But she did want to have Millie clean and ready for Alex’s arrival. She wanted him to look at his daughter and wonder how he could ever have left her. She smiled at Millie. It was a month since Alex had left and she had grown so much. She was even making a noise which Kate was convinced was Mummy. She also needed to make a little effort herself and look presentable when Alex arrived.
The advice on Google had dried up. Once the hard work had been completed and the husband was back home, there had been very little written about what happened next. Maybe, thought Kate, everybody was far too busy struggling with their new lives to sit down and write anything. They were all far too busy smiling alluringly at their husband and trying desperately hard to make sure he felt thoroughly appreciated to find the time to offer any words of wisdom. So there was no advice about what outfit Kate should wear, how she should behave, whether the calm control needed to continue or whether she was now allowed to actually glare at Alex and tell him what she really thought of him, how badly he had behaved or perhaps throw something at him as he walked back through the door.
Kate paused. She had told Alex she could move on from the pain and the hurt, that they could pick up the pieces of their lives and carry on with their slightly less than perfect marriage. She had told Fiona that she wanted Alex back and she would forget all about Sandra Maddison and her charms. She had told Josh that she loved Alex and it didn’t matter what he had done or what he had said, she would overcome the hurtful words and the feeling of loss and smile and laugh and try hard to be the Kate he wanted. So why, she wondered, when all the hard work had been done and she had rescued her husband and her marriage, was she suddenly feeling the need for a little old fashioned anger. Why this morning of all mornings had she woken up with a heart that was neither relieved nor happy but disgruntled as she thought of all the tears she had shed over the last few weeks.
She shook her head, taking a deep breath. Fiona had told her it was unnatural that Kate should be so forgiving. She said that at some point Kate needed to tell Alex just what she thought of him, for the sake of the next twenty years she needed to release some of the emotions from her overloaded heart. Kate had disagreed insisting that once Alex was home she would just feel relieved and although the pain may never really go she would not allow anger and resentment to cloud their future. Maybe, wondered Kate as she took Millie upstairs, maybe she had been a little naïve in her beliefs. Maybe Fiona was right and at some point Kate would look at Alex’s smiling face and feel an irresistible urge to hit him over the head with a frying pan.
Kate sighed, she really must get a grip on her emotions, she decided. This was not the day to start doubting her ability to forget her husband’s affair. She had Googled him back and now she had what she wanted. Hadn’t she?
Exactly an hour later the bell rang and Kate froze. She had just popped Millie into her bouncing chair on the living room floor and as the bell rang out into the silent hallway she stopped and stared down at her daughter.
‘Daddy’s home Millie,’ she said softly. ‘Didn’t I tell you he would be back?’
Kate walked into the hall but found herself moving ever more slowly as she got nearer and nearer to the door. For one wild moment she was tempted not to answer. To dash back into the living room and hold Millie close so she wouldn’t make a sound and to pretend they weren’t there. She had spent so many weeks waiting for Alex to come back through the door and now he was standing there Kate wasn’t sure she was ready.
She put her hand on the handle just as the bell rang out again, making her jump.
‘Sorry Alex, I was just settling Millie.’
Alex walked in. He stood in the the hallway, two suitcases by his feet and Kate’s mind flew back to the Monday morning when he’d told her he was leaving, two suitcases by his side as he told his wife that their marriage was over.
‘I though perhaps you’d changed your mind,’ said Alex, grinning in a way that left Kate in no doubt that Alex thought nothing of the sort. Had he ever really doubted that she would take him back Kate wondered fleetingly?
She tried to smile, tried to relax, tried to look as though her dreams had come true. She had a feeling she had failed on all counts.
What did you do when your errant husband returned she wondered in panic? Did you invite him into his own home? Did you offer him a cup of tea, show him to his room, the room he’d left only weeks before?
She nibbled her lip, standing awkwardly in the hall. But Alex didn’t seem to have the same doubts and dropping the suitcases to the floor, he stepped forwards and put his arms around Kate pulling her into his arms and holding her close.
‘Oh God Kate, I’ve missed you so much,’ he whispered, burying his face in her hair. ‘I was so afraid you wouldn’t be able to forgive me, wouldn’t let me back.’
He lifted his head up and looked into her eyes and Kate was quite certain that he was lying. He may have missed her but he had never really worried that she would turn away from him regardless of how he had behaved. It was in his eyes, in the confident way he pushed his hand through her hair.
‘I love you Kate, I love you and I’ll never let you go again,’ and he kissed her, deeply and passionately as his arms wrapped themselves around her body.
Kate couldn’t help but respond. This was Alex, her Alex. She felt the familiar lips on hers, felt his body against her own and for a moment she felt she was capable of anything. She could forgive and forget, she loved Alex and she would forgive him anything.
Then the kiss was over and Alex was looking at her grinning. ‘And where is Millie?’ he asked not waiting for a reply as he let go of Kate and walked into the living room.
‘Millie, darling. Daddy’s here.’
Kate didn’t move. She stood in the hallway and she waited. She waited for that delicious contented feeling that always filled her heart when he kissed her. She waited for that slight sense of loss she always felt when Alex moved away from her. She stayed where she was and waited.
‘Hello Millie, daddy’s home sweetheart. Come here and give me a kiss.’
She could hear Alex’s voice, she could hear Millie’s chunters but Kate remained in the hall waiting. She remembered when Josh had kissed her and the feeling of emptiness as he stopped. She remembered looking at his lips, longing for them to return to hers even though she knew she shouldn’t kiss him at all.
‘Kate where are you? Hasn’t she grown? I can’t believe how big she is.’
Kate waited. She waited and she waited until with a sigh, a small disappointed sigh she finally moved and joined Alex in the living room. He was holding Millie in his arms looking delighted. Millie wasn’t crying but she wasn’t smiling. She was staring at the man who was kissing her and telling her she looked beautiful and although she accepted the attention she was not grinning her big Millie grin. Alex would have to work at reasserting his place in Millie’s life. Time moved on so quickly for babies. And maybe not just babies.
‘Alex.’
Alex looked over at his wife and smiled.
‘Isn’t this fantastic Kate. Oh God I’m so glad to be back.’
‘Alex, I’m so sorry.’
He carried on watching her, his smile losing just a little of its brightness.
‘This is a mistake Alex. It’s not going to work.’
The smile had gone. Fading into nothing as he stared at Kate in the doorway. Carefully he put Millie back into her seat.
‘It will work Kate,’ he said in a firm voice. ‘It will work because we still love each other.’
But Kate was shaking her head, her face twisted with remorse and sadness. ‘No. No Alex. I really thought I could do it, I really thought I could start again with you and I’d be able to forget everything that had happened. Well, actually I always knew I’d never be able to forget but maybe ignore? I really thought I could do it Alex.’
‘And you can Kate! We can. I made a mistake and I’m sorry but we can carry on, get back to being who we were …’
‘No
Alex.’ The words were soft, almost gentle but so full of absolute certainty that she saw him wilt as they reached him.
‘Please Kate let’s …’
‘No Alex. You left me for someone else, you left because I didn’t pay you enough attention, you left to teach me a lesson.’ She held up her hand stopping his interruption. ‘And maybe I was partly to blame, maybe I wasn’t the perfect wife I thought I was. But I don’t think I can forgive you, not in the way I would need to for this to work!’
Alex took a step forward.
‘How could you resent me putting Millie first, how could you even suggest that I wasn’t giving enough attention to you! And maybe I did spend too much time worrying about cushions and pans and cleaning but that was all for you Alex. I did all this for you Alex and you left me!’
‘Kate I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You have to listen to me, you have to let me ...’
‘I became what you wanted Alex and you left because suddenly you had to take second place. To our child. To Millie.’
‘Kate please …’
And that’s what I can’t forgive Alex. I can’t forget and I can’t forgive. I thought I could put it behind us and maybe if you’d come straight back it could have been different. But all I’ve had to do these last few weeks is think Alex. I’ve sat here and I’ve thought about us, about our relationship, about why you left, about all the things I’ve changed about myself to make you happy and how it didn’t actually make you happy. And now it’s too late. Because once you’ve sat down and opened your eyes to all of those things, you can’t then forget them, no matter how much you’d like to. So I’m sorry Alex, more sorry than I can ever say but this isn’t going to work. I can’t take you back. It’s over.’
‘No! No!’ Alex was pushing his hand through his hair, a desperate expression on his face. ’Kate you have to forgive me, you have to! I want to come back and we will get over this. Please stop and think about Millie, about us.’
‘I never stopped thinking about Millie, it was part of the reason I was so desperate for you to come back. I didn’t want Millie to grow up without a father. But this isn’t right, it won’t work and it won’t help Millie in the long run.’
‘Please Kate, please.’
His voice was low, desperate and for a moment Kate felt a wave of sympathy for him She knew how it felt to be desperate, sad and in pain. But she held firm and shook her head.
‘I’m sorry Alex. It’s over.’
Millie was chewing donkey’s ear singing happily in her baby chatter but other than her soft rumble the room was eerily silent.
Alex looked defeated. His shoulders had drooped and he looked smaller, slighter than only a few moments before.
Kate’s heart ached. She decided it was going to be aching for some considerable time. True love was not something that simply disappeared overnight. But it also wasn’t something that could flourish amid resentment and distrust and Kate had to accept, however much it hurt, that she couldn’t push Alex’s behaviour aside like unwanted post. It would haunt her forever,
‘I will always love you Alex, as someone I care a great deal about, as Millie’s father. I will always love you.’
‘But it’s not enough?’
She smiled sadly. ‘No, it’s not enough anymore.’
More silence and she watched Alex as the reality of the situation settled on his face. He looked lost, alone and incredibly sad and Kate’s heart ached for him but she made no move towards him as he nodded his head and walked slowly into the hall.
He picked up the suitcases lying in the corner and made his way to the front door before turning to look at Kate.
‘Are you sure?’ His voice was choked, defeated and Kate couldn’t speak, she just nodded.
And then he was gone, the space suddenly empty just as it had been weeks before when Kate had been so surprised to hear her husband say he was leaving. She stared at the door but there was nothing but silence and the ticking of the clock and Kate wrapped her arms around her body and let the tears roll down her face.
Epilogue
Kate was sitting in the garden. Winter was over and during the last week the sun had shone non-stop. Millie was crawling which made Kate’s life more difficult than ever, she couldn’t turn her back on her daughter for a moment. But they had spent many happy hours in the garden as Millie crawled around, investigating grass and plants. Kate sipped at her cup of tea and watched Millie sitting in the middle of the lawn contemplating the butterfly that was hovering above the flowers.
The house was up for sale, there was no way Kate could afford to continue living there no matter how generous Alex was with any settlement. There was only so much money to go round. She had no idea where she would end up and much to her surprise she had accepted her mother’s offer to stay with her for a few months until she made up her mind exactly what to do next. Kate had looked around for a job and the phone had rung only the day before to offer her three afternoons a week in a small office not far from her mother’s house. Marcia was delighted at the thought of looking after Millie for the few hours Kate was at work and Kate was looking forward to a few hours of adult time.
Fiona had wailed with distress at the idea of Kate no longer being around the corner but she had been reassured that the increased distance wouldn’t affect their friendship.
Kate was under no illusion that life would be hard. She had agreed that Alex could see Millie whenever he wanted, she didn’t want to restrict her daughter’s access to her father. But she was essentially a single parent now and that would not be an easy task.
She lifted her face up to the sun and closed her eyes. Josh had phoned her only a few days after Alex had left. He had heard that Kate had not gone through with the reconciliation, probably Olivia or Sophie thought Kate with amusement. They would have been on the phone as soon as the news broke. He’d asked if he could come round but Kate had regretfully said no.
‘I’ve just broken up with my husband Josh. I need time to grieve. I’m going to be starting a new life but I think I should take it slowly.’
She’d been able to hear the disappointment in his voice as he accepted what she told him.
‘Okay Kate, I understand.’
She smiled sadly. Had she been hoping he wouldn’t take no for an answer she wondered?
‘So I’ll give you some time. I’ll phone you up in exactly two months.’
‘Two months?’
‘Yes two months. And if you say you still need more time then I’ll phone you in another two months and another two after that.’
Kate had felt the smile start to tilt her lips. ‘Every two months?’
‘Every two months. On the dot. Unless of course you ever feel that your grieving is over and you’re ready to start that new life.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes. In that case ring me and about half an hour later go answer the door because I’ll be straight round.’
She was grinning now. Grinning at the thought of opening her door and seeing Josh with his dimpled chin and amazing blue eyes standing on the other side.
‘I can’t promise anything Josh. It will take as long as it takes,’ she warned.
‘I know and that’s okay. But I can promise you something Kate. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, I’ll be waiting.’
Kate had felt a tear roll down her cheek. Because she knew he meant it.
And two months later, 25 minutes ago in fact, the phone had rung and Josh’s deep voice had reached out across the line to ask her how she was and more to the point did she feel ready for a visit from a close friend.
Kate had looked out into the garden full of sunshine and felt her heart lift as she confessed that she had actually missed her salsa partner very much and would be delighted if he called round.
So there Kate sat, in the warmth of the sunshine watching her daughter happily crawl after butterflies and waiting for a knock at the door so she could start the new life she had promised herself.
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Other Books by Julie Butterfield
Did I Mention I Won The Lottery?
Read the first chapter now
Did I Mention I Won the Lottery?
Chapter One
Rebecca looked down at the ticket in her hand. She knew the numbers by heart but she read them to herself again before pushing the ticket back into her pocket and walking over to the kiosk.
‘Sorry - could you tell me - are those the winning numbers from this week?’
The large woman behind the counter nodded, pointing to the notice board behind the counter.
‘They certainly are my darling, why, do you think you’ve won? Here, give me your ticket and I’ll put it through the machine. That’ll soon tell us!’
She laughed as she spoke, holding her hand out for Rebecca’s ticket.
‘Oh no, I can’t… I mean, I haven’t got it with me. I just wondered if those were the numbers. This week’s numbers I mean, then I could check them when I get home.’
Her fingers tightened around the ticket still in her pocket, her cheeks flushing a little.
‘Well those are the numbers. Look, why don’t I write them down for you. Who knows, you might have won the jackpot,’ and she laughed again, a deep belly laugh that shook her ample frame as she reached for a pen.
Google Your Husband Back Page 24
