by S Doyle
Jake approached the table. Apparently he was a little more pissed at what I had done than I realized. Not that it mattered. He was here, and suddenly for the first time in weeks I felt… happiness.
It was how I knew I had absolutely made the right decision.
“Hi Jake.”
“Ellie.”
“This is my friend Denny. Denny, this is Jake Talley.”
Jake glared at Denny. I recognized it as his typical guy stare-down look. Denny had apparently never been on the receiving end of anything like it, because he popped up out of his chair and raised his hand.
“Don’t hurt me. I play for the other team! Bye, Ellie.” Then he took off at a near run.
Jake took his seat at the table.
“That’s Denny?” he asked.
I lifted my chin. “Yes. You have a problem with him?”
“No.”
“What are you doing here, Jake? How did you know where I was anyway?”
“I went to your dorm. Your roommate said you get coffee with your friend after class. As for why I’m here, you know why I’m here.”
“You drove three hours to yell at me about the money.”
“You’re damn right I drove three hours to yell at you about the money. Did you think I wouldn’t find it? How the hell did you even have access to my bank account?”
“I do your payroll, remember. Direct deposit.”
“You’re taking the money back.”
I took in a deep breath, because I knew I was going to have to overcome generations of built-in Montana macho to make my argument.
“Jake, after the storm, when we realized we had to stay together, we talked about this. If you were going to put your life on hold, then we would work out a deal where you would be compensated for it. That’s all that was. It was money you earned.”
He was glaring at me again. “Do you know how that sounds? Like somehow you had to pay me for… for living with you.”
I reached across the table and laid my hand on his arm. To make a point sure, but also just to touch him. Jake was here, and even if it was to yell at me it was still worth it.
“That’s not it and you know it. Because of you, we got the loan from the bank. Because of you, we got back on our feet faster than I ever imagined. What does that make me if I take all of that and give you nothing in return?”
“A friend,” he snapped.
“You said it yourself. It’s more than just getting your land back. You have an operation to get up and running. You have a house that has to get built. Last week you told me you have made no progress at all. Take the money you earned and do that.”
He said nothing for a while.
“You can afford this?”
I could. He probably wasn’t going to like why I could afford it, but that was something I could tell him later. For the next fight. Now was about winning this argument.
“Yep. No problem.”
His jaw was flexing, his nose was flaring.
“I’m right, Jake. You know it.”
“I haven’t even started thinking about what I want to build for a house. I can build anything on the foundation, but how the hell do I know what I want?”
I thought about the timing of that and my plans, but it’s not like I had any control over that. Who knew how long it took to build a house? He probably needed to wait until spring anyway, when the weather was a little more forgiving.
“You’ll figure it out.”
He grunted.
This was a surprisingly easy victory. Given he’d been mad enough to drive out here in the first place. I figured now was a good time to redirect.
“How is Rich working out?”
“He’s fine.”
There might have been a pause there, but I couldn’t tell.
“And Petunia? You’re talking to her like I asked?”
“Hours every day. I find she’s really easy to talk to.”
I made a face at him. “Sarcasm doesn’t become you.”
He grunted.
I looked down at my coffee cup. I wasn’t sure what happened now. Did he just get back in his car and leave now that the fight was over? Although I have to say, all things considered he’d rolled over pretty quickly, which was not like him. Maybe he was getting mellow in his old age. This boded well.
“So…” he said.
“So what?”
“So are you going to show me around this place or not?”
I clapped my hands. “Yes, you’re going to stay for a while. Okay, first you have to have a caramel macchiato. It is the most delicious thing in the world.”
“I’m not spending four bucks for a cup of coffee.”
“Trust me, Jake. This is life-altering and so worth it. Then I’ll show you the campus. And then we have to go to Eddy’s for burgers later. They have the best burgers. Don’t tell Frank I said that, but we’re talking miles better.”
“Miles, huh?”
“Miles and miles.”
“All right. After you.”
I was thrilled. I was over the moon.
Because Jake was here.
“Well?” I asked him as he pulled his truck up to my dorm building. It wasn’t very late, just after seven, but I knew he had a three-hour drive back.
“Consider my life altered.”
I smiled. “I knew it. I told you Starbucks would change your life. Not to mention Eddy’s.”
“You like it here now,” he said. A statement, not a question.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.
“It’s okay,” I said quietly.
“You’re not alone.”
“No. I have friends.”
“Good.”
There didn’t seem to be anything say at that point. I suppose I should have opened the door, hopped out, said goodbye and left. Except I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want him to leave.
What I really wanted was to kiss him, but I had made that move in the past and had gotten burned by it.
“Fuck this,” I heard him growl before he reached for me. His hand coming behind my neck, pulling me toward him. It was just lips and tongues at first. Urgent breaths, nibbling teeth. Except I needed more. More of him touching me, more of me touching him.
Jake must have agreed because he was hauling me over the center console so I was in his lap. The space was tight and awkward. Every time I shifted to rub myself along his body, my ass hit the steering wheel and the car horn let out a little yelp.
“Help me,” I said even as I tried to get my hands to the buttons of his jeans.
“No,” he grunted. The next thing I knew was being lifted and set back on the passenger seat. I was freaking five foot nine. He really should not have been able to lift me so easily.
I was trying to catch my breath, wondering what happened to make him kiss me and then what happened to make him push me away.
“I’m not fucking you in a truck outside your dorm.”
“You seem angry. Are you angry?”
“I’m hard, Ellie. Hard and apparently staying that way. I didn’t… I wasn’t planning on...”
“Okay. Yeah. I understand. We should probably avoid the kissing and stuff.”
“You being three hours away makes that easier. You being a foot away makes that more difficult.”
I smiled at him. “Jake Talley, that might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Go, now. Before I change my mind.”
“Okay, but you know I want you to change your mind.”
“Ellie,” he growled.
“Going. Going.” I opened the door and hopped out of the truck. “See ya, Jake.”
“Call me Sunday,” he snapped.
And that was it. He left and I had to think about what that kiss meant.
That’s when I knew I was going to need reinforcements.
Three
Ellie
I made it upstairs to the second floor of the building. I used my key to let myself in the room.
Maryanne was sitting on her bed, reading. She looked up at me. It must have been all over my face. Well, certainly my lips… what I had been doing with Jake.
“Oh yeah,” she said. “I’m going to need to details.”
I took out my phone. “Hold on. Denny is going to want to hear all of this too.”
I texted him.
So do you want to hear the story about me and my ex-husband?
…
Yeeeeeesssssss. I’m coming over. Doritos or Combos?
Doritos, I texted him back.
Okay, Doritos go best with margaritas. I’ll be right over.
True to his word, Denny was right over with what appeared to be a bucket of pre-made frozen margaritas, tequila included, and an economy-size bag of Cool Ranch.
While he poured drinks I shifted nine disks to the right side of the scale. It was a great day. It was an awesome day. But at the end of the day Jake left.
He was there at the ranch and I was here.
The three of us were on the floor between our two beds, drinking and eating chips, and I told them everything. About my dad dying and Jake marrying me. About the storm and the first kiss. And the second kiss. About Janet and Carol. Finally about us and why I needed to leave.
Denny sniffled. “That. Is. Epic.”
“Wait. Back up,” Maryanne said. “You had an amazing first time? Did you have an orgasm?”
I thought about it. “Two of them, actually. Before and during.”
“During? During sex! Your first time?”
I sipped my on my red solo cup, which was filled with what looked like green slime but actually tasted delicious. “Yes, is that not normal?”
“Uh, no. I squealed like a pig during my first time, then walked around for the next two days with my legs bowed.”
“He was really patient,” I offered.
“So what happens next?” Denny asked me.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I deposited more money in his account, because I realized I’m not staying and I want to make sure he gets his house done before I go back. That’s why he came here today. To yell at me about the money.”
Denny made this coughing sound, which came out sounding like bullshit.
“Agreed,” said Maryanne.
“Agree with what?”
“He did not drive three hours to yell at you,” Denny explained. “The money was an excuse. He drove here to see you. To spend the day with you. To see what your life is like here. Then at the end of the day, he kissed you. That doesn’t say pissed-off man, that says… he’s missing you.”
“It’s so messed up,” I said, falling back to lie on the floor. The margaritas were starting to kick in and make my head spin.
“Why does it have to be?” Maryanne asked. “Go home, tell you him love him, have all the orgasms in the world and start making babies with the dude.”
“What she said,” Denny added.
I lifted myself back up to sitting. “That’s my point. It’s been all me, every time. I tried to change us and he didn’t want to. I had to ask him for sex, but if I hadn’t then he wouldn’t have touched me. At some point he has to go first if I’m going to know where he stands.”
“And you don’t think driving three hours to see you and make out with you is going first?” Denny asked.
“He was pissed about the money,” I insisted. “I knew he was going to be.”
“Denny is right. He wanted to see you,” Maryanne argued.
“See, you can’t do that with Jake,” I told them. “You can’t assign him motivations. He’s completely upfront and honest about everything. If he missed me, if he wanted to see me and that was all, he would have said something.”
I could tell neither of them were buying it, but I knew Jake. The kiss. It meant something. There was no getting around that. We were changing again into something else. The weekly calls. He obviously still wanted me. That kiss had been intense. Nothing had changed in that department.
“We need more time,” I muttered.
“You’ve got the rest of the semester,” Maryanne reminded me.
“I’m so bummed he’s not gay,” Denny said.
Then we all kept drinking until we literally kicked the bucket.
Jake
I parked the truck under the portico and thought I had made good time getting back. Less than three hours.
I made my way inside and I hated how dark the house was. How quiet. When Ellie left, I considered moving into the bunk house. Figured it might help get me acclimated to what we were now. I wasn’t her husband any longer. Not really family anymore.
I was back to being the hired help.
Then, before I could pack, Rich showed up and it seemed stupid for us to share the bunk house when we both could have our own space. Besides, I got the impression Rich liked his privacy. He worked hard during the day, but I knew he was a drinker at night. I wasn’t quite sure how heavy a drinker, and unless it interfered with his work, it wasn’t any of my business.
Unless he was going to be the solution going forward. Once I left for my ranch. I didn’t know if I liked the idea of him out here drunk at night with Ellie in the house.
Ellie. She’d looked so damn beautiful today. I saw her and realized what had been missing these last months.
Her. Her from this house. Her from my life.
I missed her. I missed her every damn day. I hadn’t felt like this since… but no, I didn’t do that. I didn’t think about when my mom left. I never thought about that time. Ever. That whole part of my life had been erased from my memory completely. It had been the only way to compartmentalize it to make it less than what it was.
Besides, there was no point in sharing any of that with Ellie. It was hard enough being away at school for her. She didn’t need the added pressure of my feelings to worry about. Presumably she would be there another four years. I didn’t know what we would do over the summer. Definitely by then I would have to move out.
Otherwise there would be no shot at maintaining my distance. That line, the one I had kept so diligently between us for a year, had been erased in one night.
Thinking back on it, I did some serious damage to it the night I made her come for the first time too.
Just the memory of that, which would pop up at random times throughout the day, was enough to make me instantly hard.
I never let myself think about the night I took her virginity. If I thought about the sex… if I let myself think about what that night felt like, to be inside her… then it became really damn hard to tell myself it had been a good idea letting Ellie divorce me.
Letting Ellie leave me.
No, when she came back this summer I absolutely had to vacate the house.
I could get started on the plans for my house. It was strange, but what I told Ellie was the truth. When I thought about it, what it might look like, what considerations I might have when rebuilding, it all seemed so amorphous. I had no vision of what the house should be. For someone who spent as many years as I did wanting my land back, saving for it ruthlessly, doing nothing but thinking about the future of the Talley ranch, it was strange that I wasn’t more aggressive in making that happen.
Like most things, I tried not to overthink it.
Instead I made my way through the empty house, got some water, headed upstairs and when I climbed into bed, only then did I let myself think about what I had done by kissing Ellie.
I’d wanted to do it the second I saw her. All damn day until finally it was something I couldn’t not do.
What I didn’t know was what it meant for us going forward?
Was it a question of now that we had crossed the line I thought I had permission to touch her?
Or was she just fucking hot and I liked her a lot, so why not kiss her?
Whatever it was, it wasn’t simple. I didn’t think it ever would be between me and Ellie.
Ellie
March
I was in the library, trying to focus on what
I was reading, but every two seconds the feeling of Jake reaching for me in his truck would overtake me, and I would think about that instead. Maryanne, Denny, and I had analyzed that kiss from every different angle, but at the end of the day the only person who could explain what he’d done, why he’d done it, was Jake.
Did he want me? Did he miss me? Did he want us to be something other than what we were? No one in the universe could explain what we were.
I pulled out my phone and thought, what if I just called him now? It was Thursday, just after four in the afternoon. Not our normal call at our normal time. What if he answered and was happy that I called? What if he answered and was grumpy that I called because I had broken what had become a pattern for us?
It wasn’t hard to figure out that Jake liked consistency. Probably not all that shocking, given his upbringing. A mother who ditched him, a father who basically did the same by drinking himself to death.
Still, what if I challenged the norm? What if I broke our pattern? What if…
“Hey.”
I looked up, expecting to see someone I knew, but instead it was a guy who I had seen before on campus. He was cute, with dark hair and some chin scruff. I figured my age or a year or two older. I knew him because he’d randomly asked me out when he saw me in the campus bookstore. At the time it had freaked me out.
“Hey,” I answered back.
He must have taken that as an open invitation, because he took a seat across from me at the table.
“What are you studying?”
“Right now, nothing. I should be reading about statistics.”
He snorted. “Statistics are boring.”
“Yep.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. This was something having been Weird Married Ellie I’d missed out on. I had had a boyfriend before Jake. I had attempted to flirt with guys before Jake. I had even tried to have sex with someone before Jake (AKA The Great Prom Debacle).
But for the last few years it had been all about Jake. Whatever flirting muscle I had was obviously out of shape, because not only did I have no idea how to talk to a strange guy, I had no idea if I even wanted to.
