by LK Collins
“The fuck you are. I don’t know who you’ve become, but it’s not him. You left me alone for a decade. You have no idea how hard it’s been without you or what I’ve been through.”
“I…” I trail off. How can I respond to her?
“There’s nothing you can say. It’s been ten motherfucking years,” she screams and pushes me off of her, storming out of the bed, naked and gorgeous.
Getting up after her, she is in her closet getting dressed, and I am so lost for words for the first time in my life. I have nothing to say. I know she’s right. My instincts almost bring me to my knees with a need to show her how sorry I am, but she blazes past me, tossing her ring over her shoulder. “Please leave.”
I shake my head, not caring that I am buck naked. Tears fills my eyes and I about lose my breath looking down at her ring in the palm of my hand.
“Just let me explain,” I plead, not even knowing what I am going to say, but knowing that I have to try. Being with her again made me realize that there is a huge hole inside of me.
“No, Micah, there is nothing to explain. Don’t you fucking get it? I faked my death on our ten-year anniversary so that it would be a clue that I never wanted anything to do with you. We died that day.”
My stomach churns, realizing the effect that I’d had over her and how badly I fucked up and hurt her. I knew the date was our anniversary, but I thought it was a sign to me that she needed help. I’d pushed her so far away, just to make myself feel better, thinking it was keeping us safe, that I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I was slowly killing her.
Feeling uneasy, my breathing picks up speed and I rest my hand on the wall to steady myself. Completely disgusted with what I’ve done, I flee to the bathroom, suddenly sick. Everything hurts, especially my stomach. Kneeling down on my hands and knees, my body shakes. With her ring clutched tightly in my hold, I’d rather die in this moment than have to live without her.
With my forehead against the toilet, I search for some strength. How the fuck can I fix this? Then she is behind me, her warm hands around my shoulders and she pulls me close to her. I lean back resting my cheek against her arm. All sorts of different emotions run through me – love, fear, regret. Letting them all out, I look down to see her hand and the clear indentation of where her ring has been. She hasn’t taken it off.
Taking it from the palm of my hand, I slide it on her slender finger and lift her hand to my lips, kissing it. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done, but please don’t ever take this off.” She sits behind me, still resting against my back, and I hold her arms tightly.
“Nat, I’ll leave if that’s what you want, but I want you to know that the last decade has been a complete nightmare. I only did what I did to keep you safe.” I turn a little in her arms and lock eyes with her. She blinks a few times, like the words I am saying can’t be true. “I’m not lying, I promise you.”
She rests her face on my shoulder. “Being alone was horrible. I thought that you’d left me, or maybe you’d planned for everything to happen like it did.”
Turning more, I say, “No, baby. You know that’s not me. You have to remember what’s real, and that’s our love. Whether we are together or not, I’ll always love you. You’ve worn my ring all this time, so you must know.”
She nods in agreement. “I love you too, Micah, but the truth is, you left me. I wish our love could persevere, but I can’t just erase the past ten years and what your actions have done to me. I thought it would be impossible, but I found a way to build a new life. Maybe we’re just not meant to be together.”
My heart crumbles at her words. Just when I thought that I’d broken that wall down, I was so wrong. Getting up, she kisses the top of my head and leaves me naked on her bathroom floor. Ashamed and hurt, I sit alone trying to fathom how things turned out this way. I was so sure that we’d make it, that reuniting would be enough. Hearing her front door click shut, I know she’s left me, and that’s my clue to leave as well.
Taking a few deep breaths, I try and calm myself down as my body trembles in pain. I know she doesn’t want me here. Getting up, I find my clothes and get dressed and then look out her front window. Her car is gone. I should leave too, but looking around, I just can’t. I need to know more about her life before I let her go.
I hesitate standing in the middle of her home. Going through her things feels so wrong, but I have to know. Heading into her closet first, I look for any signs of another man, just to make sure, but find nothing. Walking back out, I look for her laptop, which I find on the kitchen table. Sitting in front of it, I open the lid, bringing it to life. Of course it’s locked. She’s just like me with security. But knowing Nat, I type in the password that she’s always used for everything and it works. Loading her search history, it’s nothing interesting: Yahoo, CNN, and some Google searches. I open her email next and snap a picture of the address, then look at her sent and deleted items. All are from her parents and what looks to be her employer. She must be a nanny at the house I watched today. Scrolling through her email files, I’m hoping to find something new about her, but unfortunately come up with nothing.
Getting up, I begin to walk around and catch sight of a notebook on the bottom shelf of her coffee table. Picking it up, I flip through the pages. Holy fuck, it’s a journal. I contemplate what to do with it. I have to know what’s inside, but I can’t sit here and read it, so automatically I stick it in my back pocket. I feel bad for taking something that is hers, but not bad enough to leave it behind. I turn to leave, but the sight of a strange picture on the wall catches my eye. Walking towards it, I look into the eyes of a dog swigging a bottle of whiskey. I know that Natalene hates these kind of kitschy pictures.
I lift it from the wall, but it doesn’t come off, instead it swings open. Behind it is a digital safe. Of course she has a fucking safe built into her wall. It’s not big by any means. It’s something that she could definitely have done by herself.
Closing the picture over it, I smile. I have her journal. That’s enough. Turning to leave, I grip the door handle. I’ve crossed a line today by searching her home. She left me here because we are through, and if she knew I was ransacking her place, she’d really kill me.
But the truth is, if I don’t have her, I have nothing, so I might as well go for broke. Going against my better judgment, I swing open the picture and stare at the keypad to the safe. I try our anniversary date first, but the light flashes red. I think hard about this and try her birthday next, still nothing. On a whim, I type in my birthday and it flashes green. My throat tightens thinking about what’s inside.
Holding the handle firmly in my grip, I pull it down. The metal of the bars clank as they allow the door to freely open. Inside is one small box and on top of the box is a framed picture of us, on the beach in Maryland at my grandmother’s house. I remember the last time I took Nat to visit her there. It was really the only place that we could get away from it all. My grandmother was never one to ask questions, as she had nothing to do with the lifestyle that my family lived and preferred it that way.
…“Did you sleep well?” my grandma asks as I come into the kitchen.
I yawn and hug her in passing as she is busy at the stove making breakfast. “I did, thank you. Morning, baby,” I greet Nat and kiss her on the forehead.
“Are you feeling better?” I ask Nat.
Nat nods her head, sitting next to me at the bar. “I think so.”
“Good.”
“Yes, thank God, I was so worried about you,” my grandmother chimes in.
I hold Nat’s thigh, thankful she is better. Last night she was as white as a ghost and so sick, I was worried too.
“It was nothing. I think just a combination of stress and exhaustion.”
My grandma glares at me knowing the life we live is the only reason why Nat would be feeling the way that she does, but not prying or scolding, she sets two plates of hot pancakes in front of us. “Eat up,” she orders, pouring us some fresh orange ju
ice.
“Thank you, Joye,” Nat says. “This looks amazing.”
“It’s my pleasure. I’m so happy to have you guys here. Please, stay as long as you’d like.”
Leaning over, I kiss Nat on the cheek. I could stay here with her forever. My grandmother is the best…
In fact, we did end up staying almost a month at my grandma’s. That was before we were to make the hit that financially hurt Moretti, the man solely responsible for my mom’s death. We knew there were big stakes involved, but we’d become so cocky getting amazingly good at what we did. And this was our only vengeance for the way he just let her die. We were absolutely positive that our plan was foolproof, that Moretti would never know it was us, and even if he found out, we’d be out of the country before he could retaliate. My dad even stayed working for Moretti, just to keep in the ranks and keep the target off of our backs.
Setting the picture of Nat and I down in the safe, I remove the lid from the box. I recognize the contents inside right away. There are letters, pictures, and even a video of us. But tucked on the side is something that I’ve never seen. Lifting out the thin black and white photo, my heart skips a beat.
Nothing will ever be the same.
In my hand I hold an ultrasound picture. Tilting my head to the side, I read the name and date that are printed along the edge – Natalene Siskin – 9/9/2005. The box falls from my grip and I look at the picture of the tiny baby with its big head and skinny arms and legs sticking in the air.
Gasping for air, I hold the picture tightly and feel the walls of the room close around me. This cannot be true. She was pregnant? I turn towards the wall struggling to comprehend this news. What happened to the baby? Tears stream out of my eyes. She must’ve given it up.
September 9th was the day before my dad and brother died. Fuck, that must have been what Nat ran upstairs to grab, when Moretti’s men took over the house. And then I turned my back on her. Sliding down the wall, I rest my head on my knees.
There is no coming back from this. I’ve crossed an unforgivable line and all her hurt and anger makes sense.
Still sitting in the same spot on Natalene’s floor, I’m in a trance, running my thumb over and over the ultrasound picture. Rocco just called and I changed the flight plan. As of now, I am not leaving until I talk to Nat. She was pregnant, with our child, and I wasn’t there for her. What kind of man am I?
My mind drifts imagining the life we could have given this child, the love we could have shared – the three of us. But it was all ripped away because of my mistakes. No wonder Natalene hates me; I hate myself even more. Looking out her living room window, I stare at the clouds and wonder how life could have gone so wrong. Why did everything have to become so fucked up?
Then out of nowhere Nat is standing before me, and it only takes her a few seconds to figure out what I’ve found. Calmly she sits down next to me, not bothered by the fact that I’ve broken into her safe or am still in her home. Neither of us speaks. The silence kills me, and finally I look over at her, needing an explanation. She takes the picture from my hand and in a quiet tone says, “Her name is Michelle, after your mom.”
I blink a few times; relief consumes me. “You had her?” I ask, previously convinced that after everything went awry, she would have ended the pregnancy.
“Of course I did.”
“Where is she?” I ask.
“In Maryland.”
“What? How?” I ask confused.
She exhales. I can tell that talking about this is hard for her, but I have to know. “I’d just found out I was pregnant, the day before the heist. I didn’t want to tell you before, because I knew you’d call it off. Then before I had the chance, Moretti retaliated. I knew it wasn’t safe for me to go to a hospital, so I went to your Grandma Joye’s. I hid there and waited for you to contact me. When six months had passed, then seven and eight, and you never did, I tried myself and put a wanted ad up like we’d said, but…” she trails off with tears in her eyes. I scoot closer to her and bring her pain-filled body close to mine. She wipes the tears away before continuing, “But you never contacted me.”
“Where is she now?” I ask.
Tears fill her eyes. “I couldn’t keep her on the run. With the threat of Moretti looking for me, I knew it wasn’t safe. So I had to make a decision. I battled with what to do for a long time. I didn’t want to leave Michelle – I felt like it would literally kill me – but I couldn’t provide for her. After I delivered Michelle, your grandmother offered to raise her until the threat of Moretti was gone.”
She pauses, looking at the picture. “Leaving her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to. I thought about what you would say and I knew you would agree with the decision. Joye raising her is what was best, for Michelle.”
“Fuck, Nat, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Pain resonates from deep inside and I can barely catch my breath, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.
“You promised me, Micah, six months…what happened?”
“I didn’t want to leave you, trust me it killed me more than you could ever imagine. But when I saw the fear in your eyes after I’d been shot and was left bleeding on the floor, I knew a life on the run together would only put us both at risk. And I couldn’t bear to do that to you.”
“You should have at least talked to me about things and let me decide for myself. You lied to me, you gave me false hope, and it was when I needed you the most.”
“Nat, at the time I was scared and stupid, I convinced myself that if I contacted you as planned, that Moretti was gonna kill both of us. I couldn’t have borne that. I couldn’t have your blood on my hands.”
The tears flow from her eyes, the pain I have caused her apparent. “I’m so sorry, baby,” I plead, taking her into my arms. “I should have been there for you and our little girl.”
She lifts my head and looks me in the eye. “Sometimes you have to let others make their own decisions. You’re not God, Micah, you can’t go around controlling other people’s fate however you see fit.”
Wrapping my fingers behind her neck, I kiss her forehead then engulf her body in my arms holding her tightly to my chest. I prepare to say goodbye…again. My insides are a knotted mess; I can’t face her after what I’ve done. Hell, I can’t even face myself. Her body is limp in my arms.
“You did the right thing,” I tell her. “And no matter what, Natalene, please know that I love you with all of my heart and I always will. I thought I was doing what was best, but I can see now that I really fucked up.”
She drops her arms, letting me get up. I look at her sitting with the picture of our child in hand. She never looks up at me, my cue to leave. Walking to her front door, I open it and walk out. The brisk Seattle air hits me. A wake up call that right now, I need.
I walk down the stairs in a haze with thoughts of Michelle overloading my brain. Getting to the bottom, my knees are weak, but I also know that I cannot give up. I am a fighter.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but this has to be the worst. I shouldn’t have left Nat. Looking up, I pray to God for forgiveness. I’ve always known I have a lot of angels above looking out for me, and right now is when I really need them. If I leave her again, I’m not sure how I’ll survive.
“Wait, Micah,” she yells, standing at the top of the stairs, bracing herself on the railing. Her pleading eyes calling me back to her.
Lying with Natalene in my arms, I cannot get enough of her warmth. She is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, so pure and perfect, and after waiting for what has seemed like a lifetime, this feels so unreal. I don’t deserve this, but I’m so grateful to have it.
Moving a little further down, I get a better look at her face. Her lips are slightly parted as she sleeps and small breaths reel out of her. She is peaceful, as am I, for the first time in many years. Thinking about the future, I don’t know what is in store for us, but I’ll take this moment right here forever. Because
being with her right now is better than a lifetime apart. I’ve fucked up, and for that, I’m not sure how I will make up for things, but I know I’m going to give her all I have to make sure she’s happy.
Nat moves a little, and I cup her face, pulling her body closer to mine with my leg. Our bodies fit together perfectly. Not able to stop myself, I press my lips against hers. The simple act alone brings her body to life, and this time, there is affection. She kisses me back, grinding herself into me. My already hard cock throbs against my stomach and she reaches down, knowing what I want. Clenching it hard, sensations shoot through me, along with the feeling of regret. How did I leave her for ten years? Needing to make her and myself feel better, I roll her onto her back and she lets my dick go from her grip. She holds one side of my face as I nudge my way inside of her pussy. She is so tight as I claim her yet again.
I am home, nestled in as far as I can. I take both of her hands in mine and reach up, pulling her arms above her head. Locking my feet with hers, I stretch her body and begin pumping myself in and out of her. She squeezes my hands tightly, arching her body back.
She is completely sprawled under me, in my grasp, in my control. I work my cock inside of her cunt, taking my time. She watches me, chewing her lip, and meets my thrusts, needing to rub her little slit. Holding her like this, I pray we will have a future. All of the bullshit is out in the open now. Now I hope we can move forward and I can make up for lost time.
Having Micah back is a dream come true, but being the realist that I am, I also know that dreams don’t last forever. Yes, he might be here now…but he can’t stay. He’ll have to go back to wherever he’s been living all this time, and I’m going to be stuck here…alone. It’s not safe for us to be together, and we both know that. We’ve been lucky enough to survive a decade. The thought of being apart really tears at my heart, but it’s the reality we live.
“What’s the matter, beautiful?” he asks, drying from his shower.
