by Gina Azzi
When Evan steps closer, his hands settle on my waist, and I turn my face up to meet his. He brushes a kiss across my lips and heat trails down my spine.
“Thanks for dinner,” I murmur as he kisses the corner of my mouth.
A chuckle rumbles in his chest. “Thank you for coming with me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.”
I pull back, my hands wrapped around his biceps and give him a look.
“I’m serious. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since the last time we…you know.”
“You call that serious?” I scrunch my nose and Evan grins.
Shrugging, he shifts his weight. He pulls me toward the living room couch. “I messed that up. I know I did. You made me feel so many things I wasn’t used to feeling, and then I didn’t know how to make room for those things, for you, in my life.” He reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “I’m sorry, Charlie.”
I bite my bottom lip, processing his confession. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“I knew you would try to make it work,” he blurts out, his honesty jarring.
I rear back, gaping at him. “Didn’t you want that? I mean, after everything you just said—”
“I didn’t want that for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Charlie, you were still in college when we were hooking up.”
“I mean, yeah, because I was the oldest college kid ever. I should have already graduated.”
“I know.” He holds up a hand. “I just meant that you didn’t have a chance yet. You didn’t have your shot. To go out in the world, try different jobs on for size, maybe move to a new city, meet new people that aren’t in your immediate circle. When we first hooked up, you were working a ton of hours to pay your rent, planning out the redesign of Shooters, taking exams and considering graduate programs, helping Zoe through her pregnancy and health scares. Did you really want to step into the role of stepmother? Did you really want the task of trying to curb my workaholic ways when I didn’t see them for what they were? You never would have taken your shot, and I never would have given you what you deserved. Not then. I didn’t know how to, but I knew enough to know that I wasn’t enough.”
“And now?” I ask cautiously, scared he’s going to push me away again when it finally feels, for the first time ever, that we’re on solid footing.
“Now, I’m being honest. Straight up.” He holds his hands out at his sides before letting them drop to his lap. “Now, it’s whatever you want, baby. You do you, and I’ll figure out how to make everything else work.”
Grinning, I shake my head. “You’re serious.”
“Dead serious.”
“Evan, your life is here. Ollie’s school and friends are here. You’re up for partner.”
“I know. And you’re life might be in New York. You’re on the cusp of a new job, of launching a new career. Don’t hold back.” He grabs my hands, his eyes fixated on mine, beseeching. “Trust me, you don’t want to have any regrets. If you make life-changing decisions for the wrong reasons, those regrets only fester. They turn into resentment. I don’t want that for you. You do you, babe. I got the rest.” He dips his head. “You hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear you,” I say, leaning forward. I fall into Evan’s embrace, and this time he catches me.
When his mouth arcs over mine, his kiss soothes any lingering doubts. His touch caresses my skin like a warm breeze as his palm shadows my cheek. I lose myself in the moment, in Evan. He kisses me reverently, like he can’t believe his good fortune.
He makes me feel like the most beautiful version of myself, and I light up under his touch. His mouth moves from my lips, to my neck, to my chest. Lying down on the couch, Evan hovers over me, his eyes burning when they connect with mine.
“I won’t let you down again, Charlie. Whatever this is between us, it’s for real. And this time, I’m all in,” he murmurs the words, the closest declaration of his true feelings I’ve ever heard.
Then, he drops his mouth to mine, kisses me sweetly, and pops the button on my jeans.
I giggle as I wriggle out of my pants, my sweater following closely behind. Evan leans back to tug his own sweater over his head. Snapping it at me like a towel, he grins. “We’ve got all night, baby. Where do you want to start?”
Grinning up at him demurely, I shrug. Then, before he can launch himself at me, I slip from the couch and beeline for the stairs. “You gotta catch me first, Holt!”
His laughter trails me moments before I hear his footsteps.
I race up the stairs to his bedroom and collapse on the center of his bed seconds before he lands on top of me. Grabbing my wrists, he pins them above my head and gazes down at me, his expression a mixture of amusement and desire.
Lowering his head, he brushes his lips over mine. “I’ll always catch you, Charlie.”
Then, he captures my mouth with his and heals some of my heart’s hurts with his sincerity.
I stay wrapped up in Evan’s heat until the following day.
Even then, after I kiss him good-bye and leave to go home, his warmth stays with me, like a hug I never want to step away from.
The following week, things between Evan and I continue to develop. Our relationship blossoms, our time together passes too quickly, and by the end of the week, I know I’m falling for him.
For both of them.
For as much as I care for Evan, I also adore Ollie.
Things are going so smoothly, so wonderfully, that I don’t see the disaster until it’s too late.
I don’t connect the dots or understand the configuration of the puzzle until I’m lost in it.
It comes in the most unexpected form.
On Friday, as Ollie and I celebrate the conclusion of the treasure map by skating at Shawne pond, laughing wildly and trying to catch each other on the ice, a woman calls out to us.
When we turn, Ollie’s face drops before a grin stretches across his mouth. He glances at me and waves me over with his hand. “Charlie! My mom’s here.”
17
Evan
I know something is wrong the moment I see their faces. It’s not Charlie’s thin lips, pressed so hard together they’re nearly gone. Or Ollie’s bewildered eyes and the way he keeps turning his head around as if searching for someone. It’s not even the slump of Charlie’s shoulders or the extra bounce in Ollie’s step.
It’s a feeling. The way their body language, usually feeding off of each other and in tune, is jarringly disconsonant. Plus, they’re late.
“Hey, all okay?” I ask both of them as they slip into the kitchen.
I’m standing at the stove, already changed out of my stiff work clothes, and have a dish towel thrown over my shoulder as I stir a pot of bubbling marinara. Today, I thought I’d surprise two of my favorite people by coming home from work early, hanging out with them, and cooking dinner.
But then, they were gone, and I figured my surprise would be even more exciting. Charlie and Ollie exchange a glance. Now, I’m not so sure. “What’s going on, guys?”
“I saw Mom at the park,” Ollie blurts, helping himself to a glass of milk like he just informed me it’s cold outside.
I jerk back from the unexpected slap of his words, the wooden spoon slipping from my hand as I turn fully toward Ollie. “Your mom?”
“Yep.” He nods, dragging the back of his hand across his milk mustache and shooting Charlie another look. “She came to the park where Charlie and I went skating. She talked to you even longer than she talked to me.” He directs this observation, with a bite of irritation, toward Charlie.
“She talked to you?” I repeat again, whirling around toward Charlie. Charlie’s face is so pale that concern rocks through me, forcing me next to her. “Are you okay?”
When she glances up at me, her eyes are dazed, a thin film coating the brilliant blue, dulling it. “Fine.”
“What happened?”
She shakes her head, dropping her purse onto
the kitchen countertop. “I think I should go home.” She rubs the space between her eyes before fiddling with the ends of her hair. “I need to get going.”
“Wait.” I grip her shoulder. “I need you to tell me what happened. What’s going on? What the hell did Sophie want?”
In my peripheral vision, I note Ollie flinch at my harsh tone and the careless way I dismissed his mother. I blow out an aggravated sigh, my good mood vanishing. “Oliver, give me and Charlie a minute, yeah?”
Ollie mutters under his breath, narrowing his gaze at me as he stalks from the kitchen, clearly upset.
His reaction makes me feel worse, causing a flame of guilt to burn in my stomach along with the confusion and anger and irritation of not knowing what the hell happened at the park.
“Charlie?” I shake her shoulder a little, leading her to the kitchen island and helping her onto a barstool. Once she’s seated, I rest my elbows on the island top and lean closer. “What happened?”
Moisture collects in her eyes as she shakes her head. “I don’t really know. It was, it was just a lot.” She blows out a deep breath, steeling her shoulders before finally meeting my gaze. “I think she’s back for Ollie, Evan. I think she’s back for you. For her family.”
I hear the note of panic in her tone and drop my hand over hers, brushing my thumb over her knuckles reassuringly. “Baby, you don’t know that. And even if she was, it doesn’t matter. I mean, of course it changes things a bit, and it would be wonderful for Ollie to have her presence in his life, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
Charlie’s eyes narrow, dropping to my lips as if she can’t understand the words coming out of my mouth. She chuckles in disbelief. “Evan, are you hearing yourself? This, Sophie, changes everything.”
“What did she want?”
A flicker of terror passes through Charlie’s eyes before she blinks and shrugs. “To see you. Ollie.”
“Yeah, remember me?” Ollie’s voice sounds from the kitchen doorway, his tone hard.
I turn toward him, surprised by the anger in his voice and stop short when I see the hurt in his expression. “How could Mom being back not matter? Don’t you even care about her anymore? She’s my mom!” He hurls the words at me, his hands folded into fists at his sides.
I swear softly, hanging my head as the magnitude of the situation weighs down on me. On all of us. For years, I haven’t heard a single word from Sophie. In the beginning, she used to reach out for money. She would come around when she was drunk or high and lonely. She would tear up over Ollie. But then, she just stopped and months passed, and I didn’t know if she was even alive or dead, or how she was supporting herself or if she was still local or even living in the US.
Now, she makes a surprise appearance, just when my life is finally starting to feel complete. With one pop-up, she rocks the entire fucking boat. Anger blazes through me at her carelessness. At the hurt she’s causing our son. At the unease she’s placing in Charlie’s eyes when I’m still learning how to erase it.
“Goddamnit.” I bang my fist against the top of the island, causing Charlie to jump.
“Dad,” Ollie hollers behind me. My guilt morphs into shame, and I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Charlie, I need some time with Ollie,” I say quietly. Charlie’s eyes burn with a mixture of relief and sadness, and both reactions make my chest ache. She slips off the barstool wordlessly and shoulders her purse. I touch her shoulder, and she stills, glancing at me. “I’ll call you later.”
“Sure,” she says, unconvinced.
When she walks past Ollie, he gives her a wide berth, his misdirected anger extending toward her as well. Once I hear the front door close, I fold my arms over my chest and lean against the kitchen island. Fixing Ollie with a serious look, I ask, “What happened at the park?”
He narrows his gaze at me, his back straight, his expression fierce. For a moment, he looks exactly like me, and I fight the urge to close the space between us and wrap him in my arms. If only I could tell him that starting a conversation from a defensive position rarely leads to the outcome you want. If only I could teach him from all my past mistakes. But as I watch his sharp eyes glare at me, I’m also proud of him for standing up for his mother, for a person he cares for, for a relationship he’s desperate to have. I can’t save him from each of life’s disappointments and certainly not from his mom’s shortcomings.
“Charlie and I went to the park. We were skating on Shawne pond when all of a sudden, Mom appeared. She was just standing at the edge of the skating pond and when I looked over, she waved to me. Dad, you should have seen her. She gave me big smile and called my name and she remembered me. Even after all these years, she remembered me.”
“Of course she remembered you, Ollie. Your mom could never forget you.” I say the words with care, not wanting to badmouth Sophie, but at the same time, not set Ollie up for even more disappointment. I don’t ask about what Sophie was wearing, if she was properly bundled for the cold or not. I doubt Ollie would notice if her shoes were worn or if she had mittens and a hat, not when he’s too keyed up over seeing her again.
But Charlie would notice, and for some reason, Charlie didn’t divulge any information to help me piece all of this together.
“Why’d you say that to her?” He jabs his finger toward the door.
“Do you mean Charlie?” I ask, calmly.
He huffs at me, exasperated. After a moment of silence, his shoulders slump and his eyes flash with pain. “Don’t you miss my mom? Don’t you still love her?” His voice breaks and with it, my heart.
I’m at his side in an instant, dropping down to my knees, so I can pull him into my embrace and hold him like he’s still my little boy. I guess he always will be. “Of course I miss your mom. And I’ll always love her and care about her because she gave me the greatest gift of my entire life.”
He pulls back, looking at me skeptically.
“She gave me you, Ollie.” I crush him back against my chest.
He lets me hold him for a long moment before pulling back again. “Then why did you tell Charlie things won’t change? If my mom wants to come home, she can, right?”
I wince, standing back up and going to the snack cupboard to pull out some Oreo’s. Once we’re seated with a snack and some milk, I tell him the truth as delicately as I can manage it. “Ollie, sometimes two people who love and care about each other very much grow apart and their love changes. That’s what happened with me and your mom. We still care about each other, but not the same way we used to. But that doesn’t mean we don’t both love and care about you a whole lot.”
He mulls this over, chewing on a bite of cookie. After washing it down with some milk, he looks at me. “Does that mean your love for me could change?”
“Of course not!”
He shrugs, shaking his head. “How do I know that if it changed toward Mom? And you married her?”
I pop an Oreo into my mouth to buy some time. Damn, he’s a smart kid. A smart kid with a direct line of questioning. If he wasn’t causing me to sweat, I’d be impressed. “It’s different with kids. When you marry someone, you choose them because you have the same values and goals. Sometimes, those things can change. But when you have a child, you’re choosing them from a place of unconditional love. You’re committing yourself to raising them, guiding them, teaching them as they grow up. It’s a different kind of love, one that never fades, no matter what.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.” I place my hand over my heart.
“Do you love me the most in the world?” he asks quietly, looking down like he’s fearful the answer may not be yes.
My heart aches, and I drop my hand on top of his, squeezing. “The most in the entire world.”
“Then could you try to love my mom the way you used to? For me?” He asks the heartbreaking question with such sincerity that the back of my nose stings with emotion.
“Ollie.” I heave a sigh.
�
�Please, Dad. Please.”
In a moment of weakness, I nod. Not because I think there’s any hope for me and Sophie—I know there isn’t. But because my son asked me a question and I didn’t know how to answer it without it appearing like everything I ever told him up until this point was nonsense. For him, yes, I could try to forgive Sophie and bring her into his life. But I couldn’t invite her back into our home.
Especially when I still have no clue what the hell she wants.
Especially when my heart is already latching onto Charlie’s.
Ollie and I eat the remainder of our cookies in silence, a comfortable understanding between us.
Later that night, I call Charlie but get her voicemail. I send her a text that remains unanswered. I try not to take her brush-off as the sting it is.
Inside, my entire being aches. For Ollie, for me, for Charlie, and Sophie. For all of us.
And for all the things that will never be.
18
Charlie
“She just showed up?” Harlow asks, her eyes wide.
I nod.
“After all this time…” Zoe trails off.
“I know.” I sigh.
“What did she want?” Harlow leans closer, her head propped in her hands.
I pick at the label of my beer bottle as I try to gather my thoughts. It’s been an entire day since Sophie showed up at the park and I’m still reeling. Worse than that, I don’t know how to face Evan so I’m just… not. Mature, I know. Instead, I’m hiding out at Shooters, hoping my girlfriends can offer some sage council.
But despite what they say, I already know what I have to do. I don’t want to do it and I’m stalling. Not because it isn’t the right thing to do, but because it’s going to break my heart. And maybe even Evan’s.
