by Mae Nunn
“Exactly my point. If divine providence orchestrates the opportunity for you to go with the flow and enjoy the company of a man, there’s no shame in that. Do you think it was pure chance that you went back to college and the first friend you made was a nice, single fella?”
“Mom, the stars have not aligned for my benefit, if that’s what you’re insinuating.”
“But if they have, don’t be a martyr, clinging to the belief that being a widow is your lot in life. It’s not, and I’m certain there is happiness in the future for you and the girls.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“It’s actually something your dad said last night. He’d like to see you with a husband again someday, too.”
“Don’t you two have anything better to talk about other than my lack of a love life?”
“Actually, no. That’s the way it is when you only have one child. The common topics for discussion are somewhat limited. But with those three live wires of yours, you will never have a lack of funny anecdotes to share with the handsome man across from you at the dinner table.”
Sarah went to her mother’s kitchen window and peeked through the blinds.
“Just as I suspected, no line of men around the house hoping to date a woman with a passel of kids.”
“Are you saying you’re ready and there are just no candidates?” Her mother’s voice was hopeful.
“I’m not sure what I’m saying, Mom.”
“Well, what about Cullen? You’ve been together quite a bit lately. Is there any chemistry between you two?”
“I like Cullen, maybe even more than I’m ready to admit to myself. But he’s reluctant to drop his guard too low. Maybe it’s because I’m one of his students, even if I’m not in his class for a grade. For now I’m enjoying his company and the preparation for his lectures, which I find fascinating, by the way. We’ll have to see how things go after the semester is over and we don’t have any class-related reason to hang out.”
“Well, it sounds as if your mind is open to romance, and that’s all I can ask.”
“But the door to my open mind can slam shut a dozen times a day depending on what’s going on with my daughters.”
“They say you can only be as happy as your most miserable child.”
“And since one of mine is always in the dumps, I can’t plan my joy too far in advance.”
“You know, you weren’t exactly a happy-go-lucky kid yourself.”
“I wasn’t?” Sarah was surprised by her mother’s comment.
“Oh, heck, no. There was a string of about six years in there when you didn’t go two days in a row without a crisis.”
“At least I didn’t argue with you constantly the way Carrie does with me.”
“Of course you did.” Sarah’s mother smiled at the memory. “But you didn’t consider it arguing, you were simply expressing your opinion, and it generally disagreed with mine.”
“That’s strange because I don’t remember you making a big deal out of me behaving that way.”
“Honey, when you raise a child to think for herself, you can’t hold it against her when she does it.”
“You’re the best mother in the world.” Sarah took comfort in her mother’s soft embrace. “The girls and I would be lost if we didn’t have you and Daddy.”
Margaret held Sarah for several moments and then patted her shoulder gently before returning to a sink full of tomatoes.
“How are my granddaughters around Cullen?”
“Amazingly relaxed. But I expect it’s because they don’t sense anything physical between the two of us, so they don’t perceive him as a threat to their daddy.”
“Then just continue to take things slowly and let the good Lord work out your life in His time.”
“So far the good Lord’s timing has been pretty hard on me.”
“Baby girl, gold is refined by fire.”
“Well, when He’s finished with me, I should be twenty-four carat for sure.”
* * *
“MAMA, ARE YOU and Cullen getting married?” Hope asked over a mouthful of corn dog, a smear of mustard on her cheek.
“Not as far as I am aware. Why do you ask?”
“Because she’s stupid,” Carrie insisted.
“Stupid is as stupid does,” Hope reminded her sister.
“I didn’t bring you girls to the Dairy Dream for dinner so you could be ugly to one another.”
“I’m not sure we should be eating here, anyway,” Meg said. “Did you see their health department rating on the wall over there?” She pointed to a posting beside the restaurant’s entrance. “It’s down a percent since we were here last month.”
Hope glared with suspicion at her meal on a stick.
“Ignore what Meg just said, baby,” Sarah cautioned. “A rating drop from ninety-nine to ninety-eight is not exactly a reason to call in the food police.”
Hope scrunched up her nose and mouth at Meg, who returned the “so there” face.
“Now to your question, Hope.”
“Nana Alma said when you and Cullen go to your wedding, we can stay at her house.”
“She means that the two of us are attending the wedding of a couple who work at the university. Cullen’s been friends with them both for a long time, and since I’m a student there now, and most of the people at the wedding will be his colleagues, he thought I’d enjoy meeting everyone.”
“Well, it’s okay with me if you do marry him.”
“Me, too,” Meg agreed.
“It’s nice to have your blessing, girls, but Cullen and I are just friends. He’s my teacher and there’s nothing more to our relationship.”
“I already explained that, but you know how childish they can be.” Carrie rolled her eyes skyward over her sisters’ immaturity.
“But what about S-E-X.” Meg spelled out the word.
“Mona Margaret!” Sarah had no idea where this conversation had come from or where it was headed, only that they should change the subject.
“Carrie says that’s why people get married, so they can have S-E-X. She said her friend’s parents are getting divorced because they don’t want to have S-E-X anymore.”
“Stop saying that, please.”
Sarah jerked her head toward Hope, who was presumably engrossed in her corn dog but was taking in every word.
“Well, is she right?” Meg persisted.
“She is correct in the sense that married people are free to enjoy relationships differently than unmarried people. But she was wrong to discuss it with you, and you are wrong to be asking me such personal questions. When I’m ready for a serious relationship, I will discuss it with all three of you. However, it will not involve intimate details. Do we understand one another?”
“Jeez, Mom, you’ve always said we could ask you anything.”
Sarah reached across the table and took Meg’s hand.
“That’s still true, sweetie. I’m sorry if I overreacted just now, but that subject is very personal and if you have questions we should discuss them privately and at home, not in a crowded restaurant.”
“So when we get to the apartment you’ll tell us more about S-E-X?” Hope asked.
Carrie choked on a curly fry and Meg spewed Coke through her nose as both girls fell into a fit of laughter. Sarah covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smile.
Hope stared, openmouthed. “What?”
“Finish your meals, please. I can see we need to go home for some girl talk.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“CULLEN, I’M NOT at all certain what’s going on between us is healthy for my family.” Sarah spoke quietly into the phone in her bedroom to keep their exchange private.
“That raises two questions.”
&nbs
p; “Okay.”
“First, how would you describe what is going on between us?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m not positive, either, but it might be called dating.”
“But we’ve never been on a date.”
“Then may I suggest we change that situation. How about dinner Friday night, just the two of us? Alma can watch the girls and I’ll take you to Temple Territory. I’m fairly sure I can get that big-shot chef over there to whip us up something special.”
Sarah’s heart thumped. This wasn’t what she’d expected. She’d role-played this phone call in her head before dialing his number, and in her mind she’d efficiently ended any future contact between Cullen, herself and her girls.
This was not going as planned.
It was going much worse. Or was it?
She sucked in a deep breath while she studied the hot-pink polish she and the girls had applied earlier to one another’s toenails while they shared a very personal conversation. Her daughters had questions she wasn’t prepared to answer, but they deserved honesty. Things were moving fast between Sarah and Cullen and she either had to pull the hand brake or grab hold for dear life. Both choices came with heavy consequences.
“Sarah? Are you still there?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Well, what do you think?”
“I think I need to hear the second question.”
“Why would our relationship, however we classify it, be unhealthy for your family? I’m certainly inexperienced in this field but your daughters seem to be enjoying themselves when I’m around.”
“They are, Cullen, and that’s what worries me.”
“Then you worry too much. Trust me, I’m an expert at blowing things out of proportion and letting youthful angst get the best of me. When we lost our folks, I went into a quiet tailspin. Even my twin didn’t realize how bad it was for me. Instead of dealing with the pain in a healthy way, I did the ‘guy thing’ and bottled up my emotions. It took years before I faced them head-on, but in the meantime I worried myself sick over what-ifs that never occurred. I have some idea what you and your girls are going through, and I promise I’ll do my best to make your lives better and not worse.”
“Thanks for sharing that with me,” Sarah murmured into the receiver. “This is a new season in our lives. It’s as if we’ve come through a long, cold winter and spring is trying to break through.”
“That’s a fitting metaphor, so keep it in mind. Change is inevitable in every life. Most of it will be positive, though sometimes it can be extremely painful. Your girls can be a bit quirky but they all seem resilient and strong, like their beautiful mother.”
“Thanks for the kind words, Cullen.” Sarah let the personal compliment pass but her cheeks warmed with pleasure. “I wish my daughters had led sheltered lives up till now, instead of having to face facts so early on, but our situation is what it is and we’ve survived.”
“So, what about Friday night?”
Sarah’s heart pounded even harder now that she was about to make a decision. Saying yes meant intentionally moving ahead with her life and the lives of her daughters, as well. Answering no would keep her on the fast track she’d only recently begun to travel. It was stressful enough being a single parent, back in college and preparing to move up in her workplace. The sensible thing to do would be to decline Cullen’s tempting invitation and keep her mind on matters within her control. She had responsibilities. She had people depending on her. She had to be careful and cautious. One wrong move could set off a chain reaction Sarah would regret.
“Thank you for your offer but...” She hesitated.
“But what?”
Oh, what the heck. She’d tip-toe over that bridge when she came to it. Today she’d enjoy life.
“But Saturday would be better for me since I’ve already agreed to attend a partner’s meeting at the firm on Friday evening.”
“Then Saturday it will be. I’ll make our dinner reservation for seven, if that works for you.”
“Cullen, won’t your department head frown on you dating a student?”
“You’re not technically my student, and they’re only concerned if the student is under eighteen.”
“Then you’re definitely safe with me. As Miss Nancy has already pointed out, I’m no spring chicken.”
“Speaking of Nancy, did you mark her wedding on your calendar so you can be my date? I believe Alma’s already asked the girls to sleep over at her house that night, as long as it’s okay with you.”
“Yes, tonight at dinner Hope mentioned the invitation...and in the same breath she asked if you and I are getting married so we can have S-E-X.”
Sarah was fairly sure she heard Cullen gasp on the other end of the phone line.
“So that’s what brought on this business of our friendship being unhealthy for your family.”
“Now do you understand why I’m reluctant do anything that would give them the wrong impression?”
“Maybe you’re overanalyzing this situation. Can’t we just take it a day at a time and see how things go?”
“Cullen, that approach may work on grown women and college students, but with little girls you have to stay one step ahead of them or their imaginations will go hog wild.”
“Good point. My lack of parenting experience is showing, isn’t it?”
“Just barely. You’ve been understanding and generous with the girls and they like you a lot. But I can’t let them get the impression that you’re auditioning to be their new daddy.”
There, that was enough to scare him away. Wasn’t it?
* * *
CULLEN PULLED HIS heels off the ottoman where his stocking feet had been propped up and let them fall to the floor. He needed solid ground beneath him to make sure his world hadn’t just tilted on its axis in the opposite direction.
New daddy?
Rocket raised questioning eyes from his spot on the leather sofa and then rested his paw on Cullen’s thigh, as if sensing his master could suddenly use comfort.
I knew better, Cullen berated himself.
When he’d invited Sarah and her girls to his home, he’d considered there might be a chance they’d imagine it to be more than a kind gesture. But new daddy? Cullen was reminded of the saying No good deed ever goes unpunished. Was this the fallout for being a nice guy? Couldn’t he simply commit random acts of kindness without becoming a candidate for fatherhood?
“You’ve gone quiet on me, Cullen. Did you faint, or has the cat got your tongue?”
“Sorry, it took me a moment to digest what you said. I’ve put you in this pickle with your daughters and I apologize for that.”
“Life in a houseful of women is constantly a gallon jar of gherkins.” Then she chuckled low in her throat, a sultry sound he’d come to enjoy. “Listen, Cullen, you didn’t contribute anything I wouldn’t have had to deal with sooner or later, anyway, so no apology is necessary. However, now that you have a bit more food for thought, nobody would blame you if you wanted to reconsider our date.”
“Don’t even try to weasel out on me, pretty lady, it’s full steam ahead. I’ll bear in mind that what’s going on between us doesn’t just affect you and me. This isn’t a one-act play, it’s a family circus.”
“Thank you for saying that, Cullen.” She chuckled at his silly effort to get them past a tough moment. “But if you reach a point when we become more than you bargained for, you can say so and I’ll completely understand.”
“I’m fairly certain that comes with dating in general, and the road runs both ways, you realize. I’m not exactly a prize catch and I want to knock a knot on each of my brothers’ heads at least once a month. The only thing that stops me is Alma, God bless her, and she’s probably saved all our hides on more occasions than we can
count.”
“Then it’s a date for this weekend. If Alma’s free to watch the girls on Saturday night, I’ll take her up on her offer. Would she mind if I asked her to steer the conversation away from the two of us if it comes up in her presence?”
Cullen smiled, leaned against his leather sofa, returned his feet to the top of his favorite old ottoman and stroked Rocket’s silky head.
“She won’t mind a bit. She’s been keeping the peace between Temple boys for so many years that it’s second nature. Running interference with a group of girls will be right up her alley.”
Thumps and shrieks could be heard on Sarah’s end of the line.
“Can you hold on a moment?” she asked.
“Sure.”
The mouthpiece was muffled, probably by Sarah’s hand, but he could make out the sounds of a mother refereeing an argument between her children.
If he was true to what he’d just said to her, this decision to date Sarah was also a decision to accept that there may be a family in his future.
And much sooner than he’d ever imagined. Could he deal with that kind of change in his life?
As the female voices continued to squabble, Cullen stretched out his bare arm, palm facing the floor, and studied his hand. It was steady. He brought his palm to his face and stared. Dry as a West Texas summer. He pressed his hand to his chest and felt the thumping of his heart—regular and even.
Glancing down he saw the spiderweb of fine lines that marred the skin covering his bicep.
Fading scars from the dark days of cutting.
Thin slices to release the pain, just deep enough to free the blood and the scream inside. The relief and the shame of the act equally awesome.
He’d come so far. Did he dare to risk his recovery? Sinking into the abyss of despair could never again be an option.
“Cullen, I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go settle a disagreement before it turns into pistols at dawn. I’ll see you at class tomorrow night, okay?”
“Sure thing.”
