by Linda Verji
The professor turned his attention to Olivia. His spectacled gaze raked her appreciatively before he said, “And this must be your lovely fiancée.”
“Yes she is.” Lex slung his arm around her waist as he introduced them, “Olivia, Professor Lawrence. Professor Lawrence, Olivia.”
Smiling, Olivia held out her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Professor Lawrence,”
“Pish Posh Professor.” The professor smiled as he shook her hand. Holding her hand for a little longer than necessary, he said, “Call me John.”
More of Lex’s colleagues and students stopped by to praise him about the play. Olivia played her part as his fiancée to perfection. By the time the crowd thinned out and only Lex and his student were left, it was almost ten p.m. She waited in the main hall while Lex gave his crew last minute thanks. Once done, he came to collect her.
“Have I thanked you yet for your help?” he asked as they walked to his car.
“No.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the cool night air. After being cloistered in that amphitheater for more than two hours the fresh air was a welcome relief. A wisp of a smile curving her lips, she said, “You were too busy teasing me about my dress.”
Lex gave her dress another skeptical look then offered her a deadpan, “It’s a lovely dress.”
“You’re horrible.” She laughed as she slipped her hand into his elbow.
“But seriously, thank you.” Lex turned his head and kissed her temple. “I wouldn’t have done it without you.”
“Anything for you.” She snuggled closer to him. “Well, except for marrying you. I love sex too much.”
“We’d have an open marriage.”
“No, thanks.” She looked at him for a long moment, wondering whether it was her place to state the obvious. Then deciding that that was what best-friends were for, she said, “Alexander, you need to tell them you’re gay.”
“I will,” Lex said. “But after I get my professorship.”
“This is the twenty-first century. No one will deny you professorship because you’re gay.”
“Are you kidding me? Livy, did you see the people in there?” Lex asked as he opened the door of his SUV for her. “Half of them are old enough to be my grandparents. I’m already too young, too pretty, an atheist… you want me to be gay too? At that rate I’ll become a professor in twenty seventy.”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever heard of who went back into the closet.” Olivia shook her head as she entered the car. When Lex came round to the driver’s side and started the engine, she commented, “Why do you even want to be a professor so badly? It’s not like it will make you smarter and those dinners they invite us to are sooo boring.”
“If you were even vaguely academic, you’d understand.”
“Shots fired. Again.”
“Sorry, babe.” Lex gave her a sheepish smile. “I’m just frustrated with the system.”
“I know.” She rubbed his arm, not in the least bit offended. It was ludicrous to think that ten years ago they’d been attending the same college classes. At only twenty-eight Lex already had his PHD in Theater and was well on his way to tenure.
Though she supported him, Olivia couldn’t understand it. She’d never been a fan of school; never seen the appeal of sitting in a class for three hours listening to someone preach about boring concepts, three quarters of which she’d never use in her lifetime. The only reason she’d even applied for college was because her dad wanted her to. He claimed that he didn’t want her to be as stupid as he was or the topic of amusement.
As far as she was concerned her dad was smarter than anyone out there, and his bank account agreed. As for being a topic of amusement – who cared? She’d been teased and taunted all her life for her weight, her tattoos, her looks, her wigs… Being people’s source of entertainment was nothing new to her. Adding one more fault wouldn’t make a difference.
However, to please her dad she’d earned a business degree and minored in physical education. But that was where she drew a line. If Elias wanted a masters, he would have to go to those classes himself.
“And I don’t mind being you beard,” she reassured Lex. “With the way my love life is, I might even marry you if you ask nicely enough.”
Concern creasing lines around his mouth and eyes, Lex threw her a quick glance before turning back to the road. “What’s going on?”
“Tay.”
“I thought we were done with him?”
“We were.” She paused then corrected, “We are. But he’s been sending me messages the whole day today.”
She read Lex some of Tay’s messages. By the time she was done, she was irritated afresh. “Can you believe him?”
But even before Lex could answer her phone flashed.
“Liv, please talk to me. I love you.” She glared at the offending message as she huffed a breath of frustration. “I love you? Is he kidding me?”
“He’s bold. I’ll give him that.” Lex frowned. “Will you answer him?”
“Hell. No.” She tossed her phone back into her purse.
“You know what you need to help you forget that buster?”
“What?”
“A burger.” Lex slurped his lips as if he was already eating it. “A nice, fat, meaty burger that will make you feel like you’re chewing his head off.”
Olivia laughed at the imagery but then shook her head. “You know I don’t eat fast food on weekdays.”
“One teensy weensy burger.”
“No,” she refused. “Absolutely not.”
Ten minutes later she found herself sitting in a diner biting into a ‘not so teensy weensy’ burger. “You’re a bad influence.”
“I try.” Lex laughed in between mouthfuls of his own burger. “Besides, I owe you dinner for your help tonight.”
“Oh, no, buddy.” She waved her fork at him. “This isn’t dinner. You owe me La Comedor. I want to see some flying toreros, eat jamón, watch sardana…Boy, I want the whole shebang.”
“But that place is so expensive,” Lex protested. “I’m a teacher. They don’t pay me enough for fancy shmancy places like La Comedor.”
“Tell it to your chancellor.” When he parted his lips to grumble some more, she stuck her finger in her ear. “La la la la.”
“You’re so childish,” he teased.
The easy banter continued throughout their meal until Olivia asked, “What do you think is wrong with me?”
“What do you mean?” Lex sipped on his slushee.
Poking her fork into the last half of her burger, she asked, “Why don’t good guys hit on me? Donny, James, Tay… I always get these guys who are off.” She shook her head. “I’m beginning to think that I’m the problem, not them.”
His face creased in thought, Lex sat back in the black vinyl seat. He stared at her for a long moment then wrinkled his nose. “One thing’s wrong with that statement. You said good guys don’t hit on you.”
“It’s true.”
“No, it’s not.” Lex pointed out, “Good guys hit on you. You just never pick them. Remember Cassius.”
“Your roommate from college?”
“Yeah! Good job, good guy, single… I’ve met his parents and they’re cool. He’s been trying to holla at you for ten years and you still won’t go to dinner with him.”
Olivia gave Lex a horrified look. “But he’s short and thin. My arm is bigger than both his thighs.”
“Okay, what about Stephen, the guy from your gym?” he offered, “Banker, single, church deacon.”
“He’s forty eight,” she countered. “And his breath smells.”
“Fine. Dewitt.” Lex shot out the name of one of their friends. “Good guy. Good job and… drum rolls please… tall.”
“Also white,” she pointed out.
“Your mother was white.”
“But I like my men chocolate. The darker the better.”
“A man is a man is a man is a man.”
Olivia stuck her
tongue out at Lex. Yes, she had a preference for tall, dark chocolate. So sue her!
“That’s what I’m talking about.” Lex gave her a knowing look. “You never pick the good guys. There’s always something wrong with them.”
“No.” She pointed at him with her straw. “You’re picking random guys who you know I’d never date and throwing them in my face.”
“I’m just saying you’re attracted to boys who are pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside.” He reached across the table to pat Olivia’s hand. “It’s not your fault, honey. It’s a fatal flaw of your sex. The double Xs are screwing with your sense of logic.”
Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Are you saying all women like bad boys?”
“Yes. And you do too.” Lex didn’t give her time to counter that ridiculous assertion. Straightening in his seat, he said, “But now that we’ve acknowledged the problem we can fix it.”
“I haven’t acknowledged any problem.”
Lex gave her his ‘puhlease’ look then said, “We’ll start by creating your dating philosophy.” He plucked his pen from his jacket’s front pocket and scribbled on the white napkin beside his plate.
Olivia rose slightly to read what he was writing. “Olosophy?” She tested the word on her tongue. “Olosophy. Sounds dirty.”
Ignoring her interruption, Lex said, “We don’t want a Donny repeat, so the first principle of Olosophy is ‘thou shalt make sure has a good job first’.”
“Principles of Olosophy?” Olivia laughed as she sat back in her chair. “If they’d taught that I bet I’d be Dr. Armstead by now.” When Lex gave her a quelling look, she stopped laughing. A smile still playing on her lips she said, “PS. Donny told me he was a salesman. It’s not my fault he was lying.”
“But did you confirm with the company?” Lex arched his brow waiting for her answer. When she shook her head, he ordered, “No more getting star-struck by their sexy ‘my job is so awesome’ speak. A guy tells you he’s working a certain job you google him or call his boss.”
“I can’t call his boss,” Olivia protested. “That’s a violation of his privacy.”
“Then insist on visiting him in the office,” Lex snapped. “My goodness, woman, are you going to work with me on this or keep interrupting.”
“Okay, Dr. Knight.” She lifted her hands in surrender. “Don’t get your boxers twisted in a bunch. Proceed.”
Lex continued, “The second principle of Olosophy is also courtesy of the illustrious Donny. ‘Thou shalt check if he has a police record’.” Before Olivia could ask how, he raised a hand to stop her. “Thane can check for us.”
“Oh, I forgot he was a cop.” She slapped her forehead. “Good idea.”
“Thank you.” Lex executed an elegant head bow before turning back to his scribbling. “Now back to work. Let’s thank James, the mummy’s boy, for the third principle of Olosophy. ‘Thou shalt meet the mother to determine if there’s some Oedipus Complex crap going on before you give up-‘”
“What’s Oedipus Complex?”
Lex shot her a look of horror. “You don’t know what Oedipus Complex is? I told you skipping first year Psych was a bad idea.”
Olivia grinned. “I’m kidding.”
“Stop playing, Liv. I’m making history here and you’re slowing me down. I could be the next Dr. Phil. And this-” He waved the napkin. “- could be every woman’s guide to dating successfully.”
“As written by a gay guy.” Olivia chuckled.
“You laugh, but when I’m raking in the dollars, you’ll be weeping.”
“What?” She lifted her chin. “As your test subject I demand a royalty.”
“I’m sorry, Miss Armstead. I can only offer you a very effusive footnote at this particular moment.” Lex gave her a pointed look. “Behave and I might reconsider.”
“Yes, sir.” Olivia saluted him.
His lips twitching with repressed humor, Lex turned his attention back to the napkin. “Okay, back to Olosophy. Tay gives us the fourth principle. Thou shalt ask if he’s married.”
“But he-”
“We both know you didn’t ask.” Lex gave Olivia a shrewd look.
That was true, she hadn’t asked. But that was only because she’d assumed Tay was single.
“Thou shalt ask if he’s married,” Lex repeated as his pen scratched on the napkin. “He also gives us principles five and six. Regardless of his answer, thou shalt check his wallet to make sure there are no rings stuffed in there. Thou shalt also insist on meeting a family member who you can interrogate slyly.”
“This is all very stalkerish.” Olivia peered at the list suspiciously. “I feel like I’ll get arrested for just sitting here and listening to you.”
“It’s not stalkerish. It’s hardcore,” Lex corrected. “With your track record you need hardcore. Principle seven, thou shalt make sure you’re invited to his house. When invited, principle eight comes into play. Thou shalt get to know the neighbors and ask them if your new man actually lives there.”
“I have to do all these things before we sleep together?”
“No. Before you start dating.” At Olivia’s horrified look, Lex barked a laugh. “Liv, you get all tangled up when you’re in love. Your lady hormones get in the way of common sense and you can’t think straight any more. So you’ll need to get this stuff done before you even begin dating. Which brings us to principle nine. The first three dates must be in public and during the day.”
“Well that would’ve eliminated Tay,” Olivia gave a rueful smile.
“See, my principles are already working.” Lex smiled and patted himself on the back. His gaze turning thoughtful, he said, “I forgot one of the top five principles.”
“Which is?”
He scribbled, “Thou shalt make sure they’re not gay.”
“How am I supposed to do that? After you I’m convinced my gaydar is broken.”
“Mine isn’t.” Lex smiled wolfishly. “Introduce them to me.”
Apparently Lex was really into the Olosophy thing because he came up with fifteen more principles. It included stuff like religion, favorite color, favorite foods, whether he was a sports addict…
It was all very detailed and ridiculous.
Olivia tried to throw in a few of her own like loving her wigs, nice breath and abs like Tyson Beckford, but Dr. Knight wasn’t having any of it. According to him those were just perks.
Buy him mouthwash, he’d dismissed.
By the time he dropped Olivia off at her apartment, promising to type up Olosophy and send her a copy she still thought the whole thing was ludicrous. But come morning she was beginning to think there was something to it.
What was the harm of testing some of those principles? Like not sleeping with someone before they’d actually dated in the daylight or she’d met some family members. Or taking time to know the person first before jumping into bed? Or asking the guy where he thought their relationship was going before sleeping with him? Sure it would make things a little awkward, but the clarification would save her a lot of heartache.
She’d always lived by the code that if her hormones and heart were screaming, it was her job to listen. But maybe she needed to give her brain a chance to scope the landscape first. Yup, she decided, next time she’d give her brain first go at potential dates.
Thursday mid-morning found her preparing for her eleven a.m. Tabata class. She was ushering the participants into the studio when Nikki walked in. Olivia’s heart rate immediately spiked. This was the last thing she needed, especially after Tay and his constant messages.
Today, the pregnant redhead was wearing a purple t-shirt over matching skorts. But even in gym wear, the lady managed to exude an air of class that very few people could manage. Olivia didn’t understand why she kept coming to Body & Spirit. There were so many other gyms, better gyms even. Couldn’t Nikki use one where her husband’s ex-mistress wasn’t a trainer? Or maybe that was the point.
Olivia was tempted to pretend that sh
e hadn’t seen her but her professionalism worn out. Butterflies in her tummy, she walked to the corner where Nikki was reading the inspirational messages pasted to the wall.
“Nikki,” Olivia drew her attention.
The redhead whirled around and offered her a tentative smile. “Hi, Olivia.”
“Hi,” Olivia returned the smile with a fake one of her own. “Were you thinking of joining this class?”
“Yeah! I thought I should try it.” Nikki toyed with her copper hair. “Is that wrong?”
“It’s not,” Olivia reassured her. “But it’s a very vigorous class. Lots of jumping, press ups, crunches, power jacks, suicide jumps.” She glanced at Nikki’s bump. “I don’t think it would be good for you.”
Nikki’s eyes widened, worry reflected in them. “It’s that hard.”
“It is.” Olivia nodded. “Tell you what. Why don’t I drag a bike to this corner for you? You can ride while watching us, then do the stretching portion with us.”
“You’re sure it’s no trouble?”
“It’s no trouble at all.” It was the least she owed the woman.
The class was as vigorous as Olivia expected. By the end her clients were lying on the floor drenched in sweat, moaning and cussing her out. Laughing, she helped them to their feet and sent them on their way. It was only once the studio emptied, that Olivia noticed Nikki standing by the bike, stroking the handles and looking lost.
Despite herself, Olivia edged closer. “Nikki, you okay?”
Nikki looked up quickly as if startled from her thoughts. She flashed a smile. “Sorry. I got lost for a minute there.”
“That’s okay. Did you want to do another session?”
“No.” Nikki gave a small laugh. “I think I rode the bike for long enough.”
“You don’t have to ride the bike every day.” Olivia suggested, “We can arrange for some yoga or pilates for you.”
“Thank you. I’d appreciate that,” Nikki said politely. She stared at Olivia for a long moment then said, “You’re very good with the clients.”
“Thanks.”
“That must be what Tay likes about you.” Nikki’s gaze lowered to Olivia’s tattoos as she said, “You’re so bubbly and friendly.”
