I am ten years older than Abel and while in the beginning that was a huge problem for me, Abel never saw it as an obstacle. He knew he loved me and ultimately through his perseverance, love for the Lord, and his maturity, he won me over within a year. But our families had a different opinion. They didn’t accept our relationship at all, and they hoped it was a passing fad; something we would soon get over. Our mother didn’t like the situation one bit and even my sister was skeptical.
“So . . . there’s this guy at church, Sister,” I told Chay one day when I had just started dating Abel. “I think I like him.”
Chay was in the middle of recording one of her music videos so I was telling her during one of her breaks.
“Really?” she asked excitedly. She knew how badly I wanted to meet someone. “Do I know him?”
“Yes, Sister,” I answered. “You do, it’s Abel.”
She paused for a moment, squinting her eyes as she tried to put a face to a name.
“Abel? You mean Pete’s friend? The guy from church?”
“Yes, Sister. Abel Flores,” I answered. “He’s on the worship team.”
“Oh, Sister, don’t be f***ing ridiculous,” she answered immediately in a half-laughing, curious, even sympathetic way.
“Sister, for real? Is this what you’re going to say to me?”
“Really, Sister. I really like him.”
“Oh, don’t worry, Sister,” she said. “It’ll pass, it will pass!”
“No, Sister! I don’t want it to pass!” I objected. “I mean it! I like him!”
“Sister . . . really. . . . don’t worry about it! You’ll get over it.”
“But why, Sister, why don’t you like him?” I asked.
“It’s not that I don’t like him, Sister—it’s that he’s too young.”
“What do you mean he’s too young?”
“Exactly. He’s ten years younger than you,” she said.
“So?” I answered quizzically. “What about you and Ferny?”
“Oh, me and Ferny, that’s different. We’re older.”
It wasn’t any different, and she knew it! Ferny was ten years younger than she was and she adored him. For a long time, she didn’t actually believe me when I said I liked Abel and she dismissed it as a worship team infatuation. But as things became more serious between us, Chay started to worry. She liked Abel and she was of course happy that I had found someone to love and who loved me, but the age difference was something she wasn’t able to shake. Even though Ferny was the love of her life, she eventually broke up with him and ultimately considered that the age difference was one of their many problems. She’d say to me that all relationships go through difficult moments and the age difference would just make those trying times and situations that much more challenging. And while I understood that my sister was just looking out for me, I knew that in the case of Abel and me, she was wrong. There was something powerful between us that transcended age.
Our courtship lasted for three years—a record for me, since I hadn’t ever really been in a long-term relationship. What was wonderful about being with Abel was that he already knew everything about me and I didn’t have to explain. He loves me for who I am—with him I’ve never had to pretend. I’ve never had to try to be someone I’m not. All I have to do is be myself and it feels great.
From the moment we started dating, I very clearly told Abel about my sexual abstinence. Since the day of my turnaround, I had vowed not to have sex until I was married and I intended to keep it that way. In my mind, the moment I reconnected with God, I had been born again and my past had been wiped clean. I fully believed that I was the “new creature” the Bible talks about, and I wanted to save myself for my future husband. Abel understood and he was in full agreement with me. He too was saving himself for marriage.
But just when you think you have everything under control, life throws you a curveball. Sometime into our relationship and despite our best intentions, Abel and I fell into sexual sin. One thing led to another and even though it was beautiful and meaningful for both of us, we broke our promise. We felt terrible and we didn’t know what to do. In the beginning, we tried to keep it a secret. No one would have had to find out if it hadn’t been for the fact that Pastor Pete eventually suspected something was going on and he asked me up front. Now, I may be many things, but there’s one thing I’m not, and that’s a liar. I simply hate to lie. I’m actually terrible at it; you can see right through me. And whenever I try, I end up confessing two seconds later. So when Pete asked me whether I had had sex with Abel, I had no other choice but to say the truth! I hated being in sin. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite so I was somewhat relieved to have it out in the open. It was like a rescue mission from God before I lost my relationship with Him.
Pete couldn’t believe it when I told him. He brought his hands to his head and exclaimed, “Sister! But why did you tell me?”
“Why did you ask?” I answered. I was ashamed of what I had done, but I certainly wasn’t going to lie about it!
“Arghhh, Rosie! I asked out of protocol the way I ask all the dating couples at church, expecting them to say no,” he answered. “Now what are we going to do?”
I was so embarrassed. And to have to tell my big brother of all people! Eventually, the entire congregation found out and I was in deep trouble: not only had I broken my vow; I had grossly disrespected everyone around us and I felt terrible. It was strange to think of how just a few years earlier I wouldn’t have cared the least about what was going on, but now the thought of what I had done was keeping me up at night. I felt as if my world was crumbling. And whenever my world started to crumble, there was one person I knew I could always call. My sister.
“Sister, I’m in huge trouble with the congregation,” I started to explain, a grave tone in my voice.
“It’s okay, Sister. You’re gonna be okay . . . don’t worry,” she said calmly.
“Sister, I worry I’m not going to be okay; we’re talking about the whole congregation. That’s about two hundred people!” I said. She patiently heard me out as I told her the whole story.
“Well, Sister, we’re kind of in the same mess,” she said when I had finished. “But you’re in trouble with two hundred people and I’m in trouble with . . . I would say . . . two million.”
“What?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, so do you remember that guy I really liked? The one who’s like twenty years younger than me?”
“Yes, of course I remember. The guy from your banda.”
“Yeah, exactly. That one,” she said. “Well, I just found out that someone leaked a video of me pleasuring him.”
“Are you serious?” I said, almost falling off my chair.
“Yes, Sister . . . Yet again, it seems like somehow we’re connected. So something tells me we’re gonna be okay.”
Chay was acting strong but I could tell that inside she was devastated. I started crying for her and for myself. How could anyone do this to my sister?
“Oh, Sister, what are you going to do?” I sobbed.
“I don’t know, Sister,” she answered. “What should I do?”
It was amazing to me that my sister was asking me for advice. Here was the strongest woman in the world asking me for advice. After everything she had done for me, it made me feel so good to be able to help her, for a change.
“Sister, I think the truth is always best,” I said. “Plenty of people film themselves with their partners; there’s nothing weird about that,” I added. “He’s the jerk for leaking it!”
The next day, the sex tape scandal erupted and she was getting a lot of heat on the Internet and via social media. It was so infuriating to see people judge my sister for something private that had happened between two people. She was clearly hurting, so I went to see her at one of her events. She was staying in a hotel and I went up to the roo
m to be with her for a while before the concert, not quite sure of what her state of mind would be. She opened the door with a big smile and gave me a huge hug. She was happy to see me, I could tell. I later found out that she had been crying in the closet, but I didn’t know it at the time. All I saw was my beautiful, strong, brilliant big sister, smiling and in control of the situation. She’s good, I said to myself. My sister is always good.
We hung out for a while, lying in bed together, just talking. Those memories are priceless, especially now. We’d laugh, we’d cry . . . I’d even watch her sleep peacefully. I loved to see her rest.
Suddenly Chay said:
“So, do you want to see it?”
“Do I want to see what?” I asked.
“The video!”
“No, Sister!” I said. “Are you crazy? I don’t want to see it!”
“Oh, come on, just watch it,” she said.
“Please no, Sister, no! I don’t want to see it!” I said, cracking up as she shoved her phone in front of my face to make me watch it.
“Yes, Sister, you have to watch it!” she said. “If you’re going to learn how to do it, you might as well learn from the best. You see, I’m very good in that area, Sister, so watch and learn! Come to think of it, I’m going to become a teacher. I’m going to become a teacher and you should go ahead and learn from me, Sister. Because you know why men cheat on women, right?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes. My whole life, she had been telling me this.
“Because they don’t know how to pleasure their men,” I answered. And we both cracked up laughing.
That was Chay. No matter how afraid she was, no matter how much pain she was in, courage and laughter always overcame. I’ll always love her for that.
• • •
In March 2011, Abel proposed. He did it on a beautiful evening he orchestrated himself. He invited me out for a date, and when he came to pick me up he blindfolded me and drove me to a dock by the ocean at Manhattan Beach. I was so nervous I didn’t know what was going on! Suddenly he asked me to take my blindfold off and as soon as I opened my eyes I saw him kneeling in front of me and my entire family was standing behind him. Lupillo wasn’t there because he was on the road somewhere, but he was aware of the proposal because even though I didn’t know it at the time, Abel had already called them all, one by one, to ask for my hand in marriage. He knew how important they all are to me so he made sure he had their blessings.
Abel proposed to me in front of my family because he knew they were the most important people in my life, and he proposed in front of the water because he knew that’s what I love the most. Everyone was there and it was a beautiful, touching moment. Even my sister was able to take time out of her crazy schedule to be there. No matter what was going on in her life—and believe me, there was always a lot going on—somehow she was there for the people she loved.
I was so nervous that to this day I don’t remember what he said exactly, but as soon as he stopped talking I understood it was the moment where I was supposed to say “Yes.” Tears started rolling down my cheeks, then suddenly I heard my brother Juan yell out: “Hey, I can’t hear anything—what did she say?”
“Can’t you see she said yes and they’re kissing, stupid?” answered my sister. And we all broke into a huge, boisterous laugh. It was such an emotional moment. Immediately, I got on the phone to tell Lupe. He was so happy for me—he thought Abel was the right man for me, and his blessing meant the world. Chay hugged me tight and we couldn’t stop crying. We had both waited for this moment for so long, and I knew she was as excited as I was. And even though she didn’t necessarily approve of our age difference, she came to realize how much I loved Abel. And that’s just the way she was. She was going to support me no matter what.
Initially I was thinking we would get married the following year, but Abel wanted us to tie the knot as soon as possible, so that’s what we did. The date we chose was July 4, 2011, since July Fourth has always been a special day for me, and what better way to celebrate it than by marrying the man I loved? After so many years of pain and uncertainty, to me it was a dream come true. I felt some nervousness and fear, but no doubt after I asked God to confirm that this relationship was His will. The fact was, for the first time in a long time, I saw a future.
My whole family came together to help us plan the wedding. Even though I had been saving up for it since the day I decided to turn my life to the Lord, Chay offered to pay for everything. She wanted me to save my money to buy our first home. Juan paid for the photographer, Gus gave us the DJ, Chiquis gave me my wedding dress, Jacqie gave me my veil, Chay was my matron of honor, Pastor Pete officiated, and first Lupe, then my mom and dad, walked me down the aisle. As Lupe and I came together to walk down the aisle, he told me to grab his finger—just like when I was in first grade and I was nervous about my first day of school. He knew I was nervous about this wedding and by offering me his finger he wanted me to know that everything was going to be okay.
The celebration took place at the Marriott Hotel at Playa del Rey and that July Fourth was one of those beautiful Southern California summer days. The sky was perfectly blue and everything was so bright and crisp, I knew God was in every detail. The ceremony took place outside on the terrace and as I walked down the aisle, I caught a glimpse of Abel standing by Pastor Pete at the altar. He was wearing a dark gray suit and he looked nervous, but so handsome, and in that instant I knew I was marrying the man that would make me happy because he already did. So there, with God and our families and friends as witnesses, we vowed to love and honor each other until death do us part.
After the ceremony came the party. Like at all Rivera parties, there were speeches but this time Abel and I were the ones giving speeches of love and gratitude to our families. By the end of the night, everyone was in tears. Everyone felt God’s love and that was exactly what I wanted.
It was an extraordinary day that far exceeded my dreams—an evening worthy of a princess with fireworks lighting the sky as part of our celebration. The best part was that, even though in recent times there had been some squabbles in our family, all my brothers, Mom, and Dad were in attendance—and peace and harmony was the order of the day. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
• • •
Months later, we were at my sister’s house in Encino at a party. Most of my brothers were there and we were hanging out and having fun. Chay had hired a banda and there was so much noise and laughter all around, one of those moments when I thank the Lord for being a Rivera. Despite the disagreements we may have, despite the hardships we have been through, we always find a way to come back together and be a family. And when that happens, it’s magic. It feels like a warm, soothing embrace and you know that there’s no other place in the world where you’d rather be.
That particular night, my brothers and my sister were drinking and Lupe, who’s always so much fun when he’s drunk, ended up in the fountain. My sister kept asking me to take a shot. “Just one, just one!” she’d beg, but I refused. She insisted for a little while but ultimately understood and left me alone, urging the others to stop pressuring me too. It was such fun and we were all cracking up but as the evening progressed, my brothers, being brothers, started to tease and make fun of Abel. My husband is the sweetest, most gentle man, and while my brothers can also be sweet and gentle, they also have big personalities, and I guess Abel was an easy target. But Abel never grew up around men—he has only a younger brother and sister—so he’s not used to the harshness of their words. I had been around them my entire life and I knew it was just teasing for the sake of teasing, but Abel didn’t and I could see in his face, in his little heart, that he was being hurt.
“Ay, ya basta,” I said to them. “Leave him alone! Stop it!”
Abel remained completely silent while my brothers teased on.
My sister, who was sitting right next to me, must have also
noticed the pained look on Abel’s face because at one point she looked at him and whispered into my ear: “Sister, he’s so beautiful.”
And I said, “You think so?”
“I know so,” she answered. “He has one of the most beautiful souls and hearts that I have ever seen. Because not only does he put up with you, he puts up with your crazy-ass family.”
“Yeah, he does,” I said, giggling.
If it’s even possible, that day I loved Chay more. Even though in the beginning she had so vehemently opposed my relationship with Abel, she was finally seeing him for the beautiful human being he is, and nothing could have made me happier. Nothing.
Chay eventually became a huge fan of Abel. Abel was always a bit shy in front of her, but she loved his voice and she would always ask him to sing whenever we were together. He’d sing me romantic songs like “Para Una Mujer Bonita” by Pepe Aguilar and Chay and I just loved it. And so did Abel! The fact that a huge singer like my sister loved his voice so much made him incredibly happy.
fourteen
wednesdays
The Bible says, “Leave your father and your mother and become one flesh with your husband” which, in other words, means that when you get married, you leave your parents and siblings behind so your family becomes your spouse, and eventually your children. I had read these words a thousand times and understood their meaning, but the reality of what that meant was much more difficult than what I had imagined.
My Broken Pieces : Mending the Wounds from Sexual Abuse Through Faith, Family and Love (9781101990087) Page 18
