by J. H. Croix
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
She brushed her hair back away from her face, tucking it behind her ears. She had glorious hair, rich auburn flecked with gold. I felt silly in comparison with my brown hair and wild purple streaks.
“You've done this before,” she said pointedly.
“Done what?” I countered, fighting the defensiveness rising inside.
“Okay, I know the thing with Rick was a mess. It was embarrassing, and I know you were ashamed of how it played out. I totally get that. But…” She paused for a beat, looking torn. My gut churned, but I waited it out.
“I can see why you ended up getting involved with Rick,” she finally said.
My heart twisted in my chest. Hurt, I stared at her, tears pressing at the backs of my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Look,” she said softly “We’ve been friends since college. I'm not a therapist, but if I had to guess, I would say that because of the way things happened with your dad…”
I cut in. “Nothing happened with my dad. He was never around,” I said, my tone downright sullen now.
Undeterred, Zoe continued, “Exactly. He left you and your mom right after you were born. You're like the super-independent woman. That's how I think of you. Always standing on your own, ready to take on the world. I love that about you. I totally respect it, and I get it. If that's what you want from life, that's what you should have. My point is, before Rick, when you were dating in college and whatnot, you…” Her words trailed off, and she looked at me carefully.
I was listening intently even though my heart hurt, and it felt like Zoe was tearing open old scars.
“Well, you always backed off if anything got close to serious with someone. You didn't give things a chance to be more than casual. I’m not saying you should’ve gotten serious with anyone. Hell, I was still a virgin back in college, so it’s not that. I’m just trying to say this thing it seems like you’re doing is what you usually did.”
My chest felt tight, and my throat was clogged. I swallowed, beating back the tears. “Uh-huh,” I managed. “What does this have to do with why I might’ve been so blind about Rick?”
I hated how stupid I felt about him. I couldn’t untangle whether my shame was because it turned into a public humiliation, or due to how bad I felt about unintentionally being part of someone else’s pain and betrayal.
Zoe chewed on her bottom lip and sighed. “The whole ‘fling with your boss’ is a fantasy for lots of people. It’s hot and off limits. No matter what I think of Rick, he’s definitely handsome.” I rolled my eyes, and she laughed softly. “Anyway, since it’s off limits, it's sort of a failsafe that it probably won’t get serious. It's not like you were in love with Rick. The way it played out just reinforced what you already thought, which is you shouldn't assume anybody will be there for you,” she said carefully.
Zoe was hitting so close to home, the pain stung. I didn't realize a tear rolled down my cheek until she leaned forward and nudged the tissues on the corner of my desk in my direction. Another tear fell, and I grabbed a tissue, quickly wiping at my eyes.
“I don't know why I'm crying. I'm sorry.”
“For God’s sake, don’t apologize for crying. You’re my best friend and you didn’t hesitate to tell me the truth when I needed to hear it. When I buried myself at work and got accidentally too uptight about Ethan, you pushed me to get over myself and give him a chance. He was the best decision I ever made besides you being my best friend,” she said fiercely, her own eyes bright with tears. “I'm not saying you should be with somebody, but let it be because it’s an actual choice, not just because you’re scared. Finn seems like a great guy. I think he really likes you, and it's pretty obvious you really like him.”
Another tear rolled down my cheek. I swiped it with the balled up tissue. “I don't know what I want, and I don't know what he wants,” I muttered.
“I know it's not easy. There's no guarantee, but come on, Jana. What would you say if our situations were reversed?”
I thought about Finn, and the way he looked at me when we were tangled up together. I thought about how funny and gracious he was. I thought about our phone call this morning. I knew with certainty if a man like him was interested in my best friend—minus the detail she was already head over heels in love with Ethan—I would tell her to give him a chance.
I finally met her eyes again and sighed. “I'll try to think about it.”
“You'll try to think about it?” she asked with a little laugh.
“Yes. I'll try. Old habits die hard. Maybe you're right, maybe I don't really have faith anybody will be there for me because that's what life’s shown me. I just… I just need to figure it out at my own pace.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “You get right on trying to think about thinking about it,” she said with a wry grin.
We laughed together, and I glanced up at the clock above the door. “It's almost five, what are you doing tonight?”
“How about we grab a few drinks together before I go home and work?”
I blew my nose and glanced over. “You don’t have plans with Ethan?”
“He’s helping Liam with some bathroom remodeling project. He won’t be home until later.”
In short order, we were ensconced at a table in the corner at Harry’s, a basic pub where we could have some privacy and enjoy people watching. We ordered some appetizers and nibbled on them as we enjoyed a few beers. After our heavy conversation at the office, we hewed to easy topics, such as whether the Seattle Stars would have a good season. Zoe was the best kind of friend. She would call me out on stuff, as I would with her, and then she would leave it be.
She commiserated with me when I recounted the remaining three courses I needed to complete to graduate from law school. “That last semester sucked,” she said bluntly.
“I know. I kinda blanked out because my mom was sick. I was too overwhelmed, but I can't help but wonder if I could've gotten through it if it hadn't been such heavy courses.”
“I don’t know. Even though I didn't have anything like that going on, I got through by the skin of my teeth.”
“You graduated summa cum laude,” I said with a roll of my eyes.
She returned my eye roll. “Right, but it was a ton of work. Don’t forget you had straight A’s too. Don't act like I'm something special. You were always the smartest one in every class we had together.”
I shrugged. School had been something I did well. I hated that I had to put on hold finishing it, but now that I’d finally re-enrolled at Zoe's nudging, I was relieved. No matter what I did, I wanted to finish what I started. Conversation moved along with Zoe sharing her worries about when to have kids. “I just don't know about the timing. I'm trying to imagine my life right now and adding a baby,” she said, her eyes wide before she took a long drag from her beer.
I laughed. “I get it. A whole human, and you're totally responsible for them.”
“Exactly, that's what I'm freaking out about.”
“Okay, I get the concern, but you work for yourself. I’m not saying it won’t be hard. But, you can set your own schedule. It's a lot to think about. I’ve never been one of those people who knew right off I wanted to have kids.”
Zoe nodded. “Me neither, but I’m pretty sure I do now.”
My heart gave a little squeeze. There was a time when I was younger that I'd been all about having kids, but I never quite believed it would happen for me. I’d shut those thoughts away.
“What about Ethan?”
“Oh he’s great. He teases because that’s what he does about everything, but he says he'll wait until I’m ready and if I'm never ready, he's fine with that too. I think it would make him sad, but he would be okay.”
I flashed a grin. “He’s a good egg. I’m glad I nagged you into him.”
Zoe’s cheeks flushed. “Oh I was a goner at the start, but without you, I might’ve chickened out.”
Her comment struck right at
the heart of what she’d been trying to tell me earlier. I shook those thoughts away. I needed a respite from my messy emotions.
A fresh basket of chips arrived. The interruption knocked us off that topic. As I nibbled on a chip, Zoe commented, “2 o'clock.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Your 2 o'clock. Finn’s ex is at that table.”
“Oh!”
I caught myself about to look rather obviously in that direction.
“Don’t make it too obvious,” she said with a giggle.
“Right.” I carefully slid my gaze in that direction. There was a table with two women and a man. “Which one?”
“The blonde one.”
“Are you sure?”
Zoe nodded firmly. I studied the woman. She was slender with long blonde hair and fine boned, classic features. She conveniently stood to walk up to the bar and ask for something from the bartender. She wore black slacks, a white blouse and low heels. Totally boring if you asked me. I looked back to Zoe.
“Bland much?” I asked rhetorically.
The moment I spoke, I felt bad. I didn’t like that Finn elicited irrational jealousy in me, nor did I like to be that woman who bashed other women.
Zoe snorted. “Be nice.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have said that. It was my insecurity talking,” I said sheepishly. “She's gorgeous and classy. I'm not.”
“Oh shut up. You’re fucking gorgeous,” Zoe said bluntly. “Everywhere I go with you, men are drooling. You've got a hot body and gorgeous hair. So maybe she’s beautiful in her own way, but trust me, you stand out.”
I shrugged. Accepting compliments had never come easily for me. “If that's the woman Finn wanted to marry, I'm totally not his type.”
Zoe sighed elaborately. “That's the direction you're going with this? I can't believe I said anything.”
“Why did you?” I asked, feeling suddenly quite insecure about who I was and how I looked, all because I saw Finn’s ex.
“I just noticed her and was curious. That’s all. I suppose it’s proven one thing.”
“Huh?”
“You’re jealous,” she retorted, a gleam in her eyes.
What I didn't say aloud was I now had three things bothering me. I was having a hard time believing I could have a shot with Finn. I got anxious just thinking about the depth of my feelings for him. Now, I saw the woman he had once asked to marry him, and she was nothing like me—perfect, blonde and proper. I seriously doubted she’d ever been stupid enough to have a flaming affair with her boss who turned out to be married. Only I could pull that off. On top of it all, I couldn't believe I was jealous and what it meant.
Chapter 26
Finn
A few days after I returned with Sarah and Remy, I sat at the kitchen counter, watching while Sarah made omelets for us. Having the two of them here was a sad reminder of how lonely my life usually was. I didn't think much about it. I buried myself in work and carried on, only occasionally considering whether I wanted to make a change. Aside from one brief call with Jana, I hadn’t spoken to her since I’d returned. To say she was giving off stay-away vibes was an understatement. It didn’t change the fact I missed her.
I snagged my cup of coffee and strode to stand at the windows and make a quick call while Remy and Sarah chatted. Eli answered on the first ring. “What’s up?”
“Just checking on our coverage schedule for next week. Any updates?”
“Not since I talked to you the day before yesterday,” Eli replied with a laugh. “You okay? You sound, I dunno, maybe not so great.”
“Oh, I’m fine. With my sister here, I’ve got a few things to work around. That’s all.”
On its face, my answer was entirely true. In fact, I’d rearranged most of my work schedule for the next few weeks to have time to visit with Sarah over the holidays. Yet, I was pointlessly calling Eli about something that could definitely wait until later.
“Why don’t you call her?” Eli asked bluntly.
I’d shared a bit about how Jana had stalled me the other day over coffee with him. It spoke volumes that Jana was getting to me enough I mentioned it to anyone.
I wished I could laugh about his question, but I hated the fact Jana was pretty much not talking to me right now.
“Waiting for the right time,” was all I said.
We said our goodbyes and ended the call. I stared at my phone, contemplating a call to Jana. I sensed I needed to give her some space. Hell, she’d flat told me we needed to take a step back. But I missed her. With Sarah and Remy here for however long, they figured into any plans I made, so I supposed it was best for now.
The following day, I was at the station for a few meetings and to take care of some paperwork. It was mostly static for me, but the calls about Ray Sutton’s case seemed endless. Between the media and Sutton’s attorney, it was something almost every day. His attorney was pushing hard for Becca to drop down to lesser charges, but she wasn't biting. I was bloody glad Becca had the case because she didn't back down easy.
Later in the afternoon, I chatted with Eli when he popped in my office to catch up. After a rather normal conversation, he asked, “So you seeing Jana again?”
I shifted my shoulders and sighed, spinning my empty coffee cup in a circle on my desk before restlessly standing and filling it again. “Not at the moment.” I didn’t add that I’d left her two messages over the last few days, and she hadn’t called me back.
Eli stood when his cell phone rang. “Gotta grab this, but seems to me like you might want to call her,” he said with a laugh.
Eli’s comments were teasing and casual, yet he couldn’t know they were barbs to me. The ache from missing Jana was acute. Calling her clearly wasn’t changing a damn thing.
***
Another few days passed uneventfully, and then I had a cryptic message from Zoe Walsh. I didn't have a single case right now with her, so it didn’t make sense for her to call me. I returned her call immediately.
“Hi Zoe. You called?”
“Finn! Hello. I did call,” she said before pausing.
“I didn’t think you were handling any cases I was working on. Has that changed?”
Zoe’s sigh filtered through the phone. “This might seem weird, but I’m calling about Jana.”
“Is she okay?” I asked quickly, worry flashing through me.
“She’s fine. She's, well, she’s cranky,” Zoe finally said.
Puzzled, I was quiet for a moment before I spoke. “Uh, okay. What shall I do about that? She hasn’t really been in touch. The last time we spoke, she said she thought it would be better if we took a step back.”
“If I say too much, Jana will get pissed and she's my best friend,” Zoe explained.
“I respect that. A few clues would be helpful,” I said.
“Okay, here goes. I don't know you that well, but Ethan says you’re a good guy, and I just have a feeling about you two. I don't usually butt in like this, but I have to ask. How much do you like Jana?”
Bloody hell. I couldn't believe she was asking me this. I missed Jana like crazy. Hell, I’d asked Kristen to marry me, and my feelings hadn’t run nearly as deep as they did with Jana. I adored her—her quirky, bold personality, her silliness, her wild hair, her lush body, and her big heart.
“A lot,” I finally said.
Zoe was quiet long enough that I started to feel foolish. She finally spoke. “She likes you a lot too. She's been a real pain in the ass about it. It's not my place to get into why, but you might need to go out of your way to make your point with her.”
“Go out of my way?”
“Yeah, she doesn’t realize how awesome she is. She's worth it, Finn. She's one of the best people I know,” Zoe said, so earnestly it made my heart ache.
My throat tightened and my heart knocked against my ribs. “I know,” I said quietly. And I did know. I’d never met anyone like her. The way she’d shimmied through my defenses straight to my heart was almos
t shocking to me. Perhaps that’s what had left me stuck spinning my wheels ever since she’d said she wanted to take a step back.
There was a long silence. I realized Zoe wasn’t going to add anymore, and I didn’t know what else to say. In an effort to lighten the moment, I asked, “How’s she dealing with the security checks?”
Zoe chuckled. “Actually she was bitching about it the other day, but it's fine. They only come by once a day.”
“Glad to hear she’s bitching about it. I’d be worried if she wasn’t,” I said with a chuckle.
“So true,” Zoe replied.
After I got off the call with Zoe, I contemplated just what the hell she meant. I couldn't deny the depth of my feelings for Jana. The word love feathered along the edges of my mind.
Chapter 27
Jana
Another weekend passed, and I was cranky as hell. I missed Finn, and I didn't know what the hell to do about missing him. Somehow the fact it was so close to Christmas made everything worse. The cheery holiday lights made me miss my mom and wish I had someone to share the holidays with. Usually, this wasn’t an issue for me. I celebrated with my friends and visited Sal and June. Now, all I did was think about Finn. I kept replaying my conversation with Zoe and contemplating her point that I had a pattern of not giving anyone a chance. I felt like a fool because I was the human equivalent of a dog chasing my tail—round and round in my mind, but I went nowhere.
I was fielding phone calls one afternoon when Zoe was at court, contemplating whether I should talk to her for advice. I was startled when Lynne Sutton stepped through the entrance. She closed the door quietly behind her and stepped to my desk. “How can I help you?” I asked.
“I had a message from my attorney asking me to meet him here,” she finally explained, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears. She looked nervous, and I was suddenly anxious because I knew there was no such meeting.
