by J. H. Croix
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You're moping around, not because you caught your ex-fiancé screwing Alyssa, but because you started screwing my brother. Apparently, Dallas was your forever crush or something, and you still have a thing for him. Do I have it right?” Thea asked.
I glared at her, annoyed with how direct she was. “Could you calm the hell down? You’re making it into a huge thing.”
Julie shook her head with a laugh. “I think she's in shock. Apparently, she didn't notice Dallas was totally hot back then and half of her friends had a thing for him.”
“Oh, I didn't think he was hot, but I knew other girls thought he was. He’s my brother and you’re my best friend. Why didn't you just tell me?” Thea asked with a sigh.
Thea's long weekend had turned into five days. She’d taken the rest of the week off. She’d gotten pushy with me this morning at the house because she’d declared I was moping and depressed. Even though I hadn’t wanted to admit it, she was right. I’d finally broken down and told her what happened with Dallas. We were having an early dinner at Bay Bistro with Julie. I was downright relieved to have Julie there because she was obviously calmer than Thea about the whole thing.
“Your reaction now is why I never said anything before. Plus, it's not like it was gonna go anywhere back then. It’s not going anywhere now. I screwed up. I shouldn’t have let anything happen, but I did. Now I’m all messed up over him. I feel weird because I should be upset about Matthew, and I'm not. I mean, it sucked to catch him screwing Alyssa, but that’s about it. I just feel like an idiot for not catching onto him sooner.”
Thea held her empty wine glass aloft when she saw Sherry threading through the tables. Sherry reached our table and glanced to Thea. “I suppose you’d like some more wine.”
“Oh, I need more wine,” Thea declared.
Sherry arched a brow in question.
“Audrey has a thing for Dallas,” Thea announced with another aggrieved sigh.
Sherry put a hand on her hip and narrowed her eyes at Thea. “Tell me something I don't know, and what’s that face for?”
“Because he's my brother, Thea said.
“So? They’re both adults. They can do whatever they want. Let it go, girl,” Sherry countered.
Thea leaned back in her chair. “I know. I’m just getting used to the idea, okay?”
Sherry chuckled and glanced between us. “How about you ladies? More wine?” she asked.
When Julie and I nodded, Sherry glanced at the clock on the wall above the bar. “That's it. I'm calling Russ. He's gonna have to be your designated driver.”
Julie giggled. “Oh, he'll do it. I already warned him I might call for a ride. It'll be more fun if you call though.”
Sherry rolled her eyes, sliding her phone out of her pocket as she walked away. Julie managed to steer Thea away from her obsession over being offended that I hadn't told her about my crush on Dallas five years ago. Little did she know how bad it had been. I was glossing over it and making it sound like nothing more than a little college drooling over a hot older guy. How did I tell my best friend that I'd fallen head over heels in love with her brother? Giving in to the desire between us had sent my heart spiraling. I’d intellectually known Dallas didn’t want more than sex—hell, he’d made a point to say that was all we could have. Yet, my mind couldn’t ease the folly of my heart.
Julie chatted about her kids and steered the conversation onto local gossip and the usual curiosity about who was where in life now. At some point, Thea left to go to the restroom.
Julie glanced at me. “You’ve got it bad for Dallas, huh?” she asked softly.
Tears pressed hot at the back of my eyes, and I swallowed against the tightness in my throat. “I guess so. I should’ve known better. It’s just…”
I paused to gather myself, and she curled her hand over mine, giving it a squeeze.
“It's okay. We can’t always control who we fall for. I’ll remind you Russ is pretty damn sure Dallas has a thing for you. Russ thinks he has for years. I think you shouldn't give up.”
“Oh? Well, what the hell should I do?” I asked, frantically trying to beat back the hope that wanted to dance in circles in my heart.
“Maybe tell him how you feel. I think you're gonna have to push Dallas on this. That's just how he is. That doesn't mean he doesn't care, it's just not how he expresses himself. You forget I know him too.”
I stared at her, wrestling with hope, fighting my tears, and wishing my heart didn't ache so much. It had been four depressing days ever since Dallas left. I’d blocked his number from my phone when he tried to call me the first day after he left. I didn't need reminders of what I couldn't have.
Thea returned to the table and looked between us. “You look sad again.”
The tears I’d been holding at bay spilled over.
“Oh God. You really like him,” Thea said as she slipped into her chair and leaned her elbows on the table. “This isn't just a sex thing, is it?”
I shook my head, and grabbed a napkin off the table. I swiped at my tears and balled the napkin in my hand. “No, it's not just sex. I need to get a grip though.”
Julie looked over at Thea. “I think she should tell Dallas how she feels. What do you think? You're his sister.”
Thea was quiet for a beat. She appeared to have moved past her annoyance I hadn't told her about my crush. “Well, you and Dallas would be great together, actually,” she said softly. “Dallas has a heart of gold, and he takes care of everybody. I think it killed him what happened with our dad. We lost pretty much everything except the house. He stepped in and cleaned up the mess for everyone. Hell, he took care of everybody our dad screwed over. Ever since that happened, he just buried himself in work. He was different before. It’s like he just decided he wasn't gonna let anybody in after that. Julie’s right though. I think you should tell him how you feel. If anyone could get through to him, maybe it would be you.”
I stared at Thea and took a shaky breath, quickly blowing my nose. The idea of telling Dallas how I felt made me half-terrified because if he rejected me then, it would dwarf the hurt I’d felt so far because it would be final. Yet, the only way to get to the other side of my heartache was to face it head on. If there was a chance for us, this might be the only way to find out.
“All right, I don't know if I can, but I'll see if I can work up the nerve.”
“Well, don't waste time. He's grumpy as hell right now. I talked to him last night, and he sounds, well, he just doesn't sound good. Now I have a better idea why,” Thea said with a soft laugh. “Do you want me to talk to him? I already gave him a lecture on leaving you alone,” she asked.
I shook my head. “No. I need to do this.”
Sherry arrived with our fresh glasses of wine. Thea lifted hers in a toast.
“To you and Dallas. You can figure this one out. I just know it. You’ll get your crush, and maybe he’ll stop hiding in his job,” she said, her eyes glittering.
Chapter 28
Dallas
I glanced at the clock above my office door. It was close to midnight, perhaps a little later than usual, but not insane for me to be at work at this hour. I stood to pour another cup of coffee and returned to my desk. Spinning my phone around, I stared at it for a moment. Checking my phone had become an annoying habit over the last few days. For probably the thousandth time, I pulled up Audrey's name in my contacts. She hadn't responded to any of my messages or texts. I was beginning to wonder if she’d actually blocked my number. My fingers moved of their own accord. I quickly typed out a text. This one different from all the others I’d sent so far.
I miss you. I wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye. I don't suppose there's any chance we could talk?
My thumbs hovered over the screen as I considered what else to say. Coming up blank, I hit send and then set the phone down. Cole had been on me, pointing out yesterday that I was still a cranky asshole. His words, not mine, although I couldn’t disagree.
It had been a full week since I’d departed Haven’s Bay. Christmas was a week away.
I’d have thought by now I would've gotten past the ache in my heart. I wasn't sleeping well. At all. I missed having Audrey beside me. It was incredible how quickly I’d gotten used to sleeping beside her. It wasn’t just the sex I missed. If anything, I missed her simple presence the most. I’d been accustomed to sleeping alone all the time for years. In fact, when I did date, I went out of my way to avoid letting things get too intimate. Yet, inside the span of a few nights of sleeping with Audrey, I didn't like sleeping without her warm, lush body beside me. At all.
Working until midnight had become a habit this past week, if anything because I didn't want to go home to my quiet, empty apartment. I spun away and clicked onto my computer screen again, opening up a report from a team in our New York Office. They were handling one arm of a massive financial investigation. My vision was bleary, and I clicked away quickly because I was too tired to process any information. Instantly, I was staring at my phone again as if willing Audrey to reply.
Dude, it's midnight. She's probably asleep.
Logically, I knew that was probably the case, but I didn't want it to be. I wanted her to miss me as much as I missed her.
If that's what you wanted, maybe you shouldn't have left the way you did.
Oh, shut up.
Aside from my own internal arguments, I'd replayed my conversations with Russ, then Thea and then Cole repeatedly, trying to sort out what it all meant. There'd been a damn good reason I put up boundaries between Audrey and me years ago. I'd wanted her too much, and she was too young. She deserved somebody other than a man like me.
Yeah. Look how that worked out. She ended up with Matthew, the fucking asshole who screwed her friend.
I gave my head a shake, snagged my phone off my desk and my jacket off my chair, and left. I needed to attempt to get some sleep. I drove through the cold, still night down Boston's narrow streets to my townhouse in Charlestown. I lived in a nice part of Boston near the Charles River in a townhouse, and I hardly ever spent time here. I let myself in, dropped my keys on the table by the door, and flipped on the light, scanning the quiet space. Once upon a time, as recent as a month ago and before a few weeks of Audrey had made me lose my mind, I used to enjoy coming home to nothing more than peace and quiet. Every so often, I might grab dinner with a date who had no expectations. Aside from a few friends at work, that was the extent of my social life.
I fell asleep into a restless sleep. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I woke to the sound of my phone buzzing. I rolled over in the darkness, snagging it off the nightstand and expecting to see a call from somebody at the office. The clock on my phone read 4:00 AM. Audrey’s name flashed on the screen.
I sat up abruptly, propping myself on the pillows against the headboard. Giving my head a shake to nudge me out of sleep, I swiped the text to open it.
I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to say goodbye either. We can talk if you'd like.
Even though it was just a text and there was no real way to know how she felt, her reply felt dry and controlled. There was that side of her and then the fiery, feisty side.
I wanted more, so much more. It was strangely gratifying to realize she was up at this hour texting me. I wished I were in Haven’s Bay, so I could wake up beside her. For a moment, I considered what to say.
I didn't particularly care to keep pretending though, so I stopped trying to plan my response and simply typed what I felt.
I meant what I said. I miss you.
The little dots appeared, indicating she was replying. My heart twisted in my chest, and emotion lashed at me. This was an unfamiliar place for me. After a moment that felt like forever, her reply came through.
I miss you too.
What are you doing?
:-) Sitting in my bed, having trouble sleeping. What are you doing?
I chuckled to myself.
Same thing. I miss sleeping beside you.
After my last comment, I didn’t see the dots appear, and I wondered if she was going to reply. After another minute or so, they appeared and my heart eased slightly.
I'm not sure what you're doing. You said we could only have sex. It was probably stupid of me, but I accepted that limit. You’re confusing me now.
I stared at her text. Fuck. I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling. She had every right to point that out. I had set some clear limits. Unless I knew what I wanted, I needed to be careful. I looked back down at the phone and decided maybe I should just be honest about how mixed up I was.
The only reason I pushed you away five years ago was because I thought you should have a chance to see what you wanted first. My life isn't simple. I respect the hell out of your father. He's the next closest thing I have to a father after everything that my dad did. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I was trying to respect him and you.
Another long pause with my heart in my throat and my gut churning while I waited for her reply. I wondered if she was going to ignore what I said. The little dots appeared and went on for a bit. I considered myself a patient man, but it was fucking hard to wait.
Oh. All this time I didn't understand how you felt back then. Would've been nice if you’d told me sooner. Thea told me I should tell you how I feel so here goes. Five years ago, I had a crazy crush on you, like the worst kind. I thought you thought I was ridiculous after what I did. I never stopped wanting you, but I set out to find somebody else because I thought that's what I needed to do. You saw how well that went. It’s not just sex for me. It never was. I love you.
Chapter 29
Dallas
I love you.
I felt as if I was suddenly falling from a great height, my stomach felt hollow and emotion churned like a storm inside of me. I stared at Audrey’s text. I was alone in my apartment at a few minutes past four in the morning. My heart was pounding so hard and fast, you’d think I’d just run a race. I generally considered myself prepared. Yet, I wasn’t prepared for this. My thumbs hovered over the screen as I contemplated how to respond. I'd had a vague idea that I would tell her I missed her, and she’d stop shutting me out. I hadn’t thought beyond that. Perhaps I could go see her in New York on the weekends. My reaction against love wasn't about Audrey per se. It was about how I knew everything could blow up and scatter.
My mother had been the glue that held our family together. In hindsight, she was probably the only person who kept our father from being stupid sooner. Her stroke had sent all of us spinning sideways, and I still grieved her loss. My father, whom I had once admired despite his distant way of parenting, had disappointed me so painfully and betrayed so many people. Letting yourself love someone meant setting yourself up for loss. Audrey should know that after what Matthew did. Even though it sounded like she hadn't quite loved him, she'd given him her trust.
It wasn't that I didn't trust Audrey. I trusted her completely. It was just…
Fuck. I must've waited too long before replying. My phone vibrated in my hand again, and I looked back down at the screen.
Okay, I went too far there. I don't expect you to want what I want, or to feel the way I feel. I just needed to let you know how I felt. We can go back to the way things were and see each other once in a blue moon. I won't be a cliché.
What the hell did she mean?
Cliché?
Her response to my single word question was swift.
Hoping and waiting for something that's never going happen. I shouldn't compromise just for the sake of compromise. I'll wait and the right person will come along, but I won’t be that cliché person who waits for someone only to wait alone forever. I’d say have a good night but morning is already here.
Even though I couldn't see Audrey, I could feel the sadness in her.
I won't be here for Christmas. I'm turning my phone off now.
Wait.
She never replied to my last request, and I never fell back asleep.
***
Several days later, I was back at the office when Cole came around the corner into my office. “Hey cranky,” he said by way of greeting.
I glanced up and rolled my eyes. “What can I do for you?”
“The New York team helping on that messy finance case wants to have a conference call this morning. You got time?” he asked.
I glanced at the clock above the door behind him. “I've got another meeting in an hour, so now would be better. Can you make that work?” At his nod I continued, “Where? My office or yours?”
Cole glanced around my office and shrugged. “Can I start some coffee?”
At my nod, he stepped to the small table in the corner and started a fresh pot. He tapped the button and spun around to slide into the chair across from me.
“You look like hell,” he said conversationally.
“You don't say?” I asked.
“I do,” he replied with a chuckle. “You’ve looked like hell for a full week now. When are you due back in Haven’s Bay?”
“Day after tomorrow.”
I batted away my near constant thoughts of Audrey. I’d been seriously considering telling Thea I needed to cancel my part in her plans for Christmas, but I knew she’d be disappointed. This would be the first Christmas all of us had spent together since the year after my father went to jail.
Cole promptly zeroed on the very topic I preferred not to discuss. “What's new with Audrey?”
“Nothing. Why do you ask?”
I managed to keep my tone level, but the second he mentioned Audrey’s name, I was irritated. I didn’t need anyone pushing me on this. I’d screwed up, and I just needed a little more time to return to my baseline.
Cole shrugged. “Oh, maybe the fact you've been more of an asshole for the last few days. Kinda made me wonder if something was up.”
An angry weariness hit me. I missed Audrey like crazy, and I was pissed off about it. It had been radio silence from her. My last response to her, an entire single word asking her to wait, had been met with complete silence. The following morning I’d texted her again.
