"I know how much Simon meant to you," Alexa said, pressing her hand over Kate's on the stained paper tablecloth. "But, Katie. That was years ago. Why are you freaking out now? Especially now that Jay has popped the question. Why does it matter anymore?"
"This is not just any guy, Alex. You know. Nobody ever..." Kate's stomach knotted into a hard fist, and her throat closed up, choking off her words. It's Simon. Kate lifted her large glass of red wine with a trembling hand and took another big gulp, filling her nose with the sharp, dark cherry aroma.
She had already drunk too much with dinner, hoping to take the edge off her creeping anxiety, but it had only made her foggy and confused. She needed Alexa's help to sort through the turmoil in her head. They'd been friends forever. Alexa had stood by Kate through the tough years of depression and counseling, and watched her put herself back together. Now Kate needed to figure out how to respond to Jay, and how to move forward with some kind of strategy to work this case, even with Simon there, like a shadow from the past, week after week, messing with her head. But Alexa didn't know the whole story. Filled with a vague dread, Kate looked up.
Alexa's cropped dark hair swung as she shook her head in confusion, her dark brows furrowed. "I know you had it bad for him, and I understand what it's like to get dumped by a guy you think is hot, especially when you're nineteen. It's happened to all of us. But... so what? What's so special about Simon that you're still hung up on him after all these years? Why can't you move on?"
Kate studied the pattern of pasta sauce splats and red wine arcs printed on the paper tablecloth. She ran her fingertip across yet another drip that slid slowly down the side of the bowl, and put her finger in her mouth to lick it off. Why? That was the question. She knew Alex didn't have the whole picture. Would it help if she did? She swallowed the lump of fear that formed in her throat.
"I can't seem to get past it. Being in the room with him, being able to see his face, his hands, hear his voice, look in his eyes, if I dare. It rattles me completely." Kate looked at her trembling hands, clenching them into fists. "I haven't had these anxiety attacks for years. Not since I went through my training."
"He’s just a man.”
“Not for me. That's why I'm questioning my relationship with Jay. Simon was everything I ever wanted. Beautiful, smart, sensitive, strong. He wasn’t one of those brutish, macho guys. And we had such a deep connection. If I wasn’t so messed up back then, I would have held onto him forever.”
“Well, if it's so bad, then don't do it. Drop the case. You've got plenty of others, you don't need the hassle."
If only it were that easy, but she had to work through this. She needed to face her demons and purge herself of the anxiety and self-doubt. “But I do. It's so complicated. I've got a few other cases open right now, but none of them are couples counseling and potential reconciliation. This one is."
"So?" Alexa shrugged, sloppily refilling their wine glasses. Drips splashed onto the table, splattering into a galaxy of purple starbursts.
"It's this award the society is giving me in January. It's huge. My professional success and reputation are built on my reconciliation methodology. Not only is this my fiftieth case, it's an excellent case study to present at the awards dinner. It's what they're expecting. I need it."
Alexa screwed up her face. "Can't you pull an old one out of your files?"
Kate tutted. "It's not the same. My ideas have evolved over the years. Going into this one knowing I'll be sharing my notes with my colleagues gives me the chance to record things..." she circled a hand. “Insights that occur to me as I'm working, specific moments when I use certain strategies and why. My own emotional responses to the dialogue. I've never written most of that down before. I usually just... do it."
"I see. But under the circumstances..."
Kate scrubbed her fingers through her hair. "It's more than that. I like this couple. There are multiple obstacles to reconciliation. Red-hot emotions. Interfering parents. Confrontational lawyers. It’s volatile. I'm afraid another mediator won't be as invested in reconciliation as I am, and my gut tells me I can get them through all that. I've already won their trust."
“Then what about telling him he can't stay. Get another lawyer to come instead."
Kate nodded. "I tried that. But my client is already bonded with him, and I don't think the other guy is available. I can't impose because of my own issues." Kate ignored the truth tugging at her consciousness like a stubborn ghost. She wanted Simon there. She was as fascinated by him as she had ever been. It haunted her. That was part of the problem. Perhaps that was all of the problem.
Alexa remained silent for a while, staring into her wine, avoiding Kate's eyes.
Kate's stomach clenched. "What? Spit it out."
“You’re rationalizing. It sounds to me like you don't want to get out of this. You're secretly thrilled to have crossed paths with Simon and you want more."
"Alex!" Her heart rate tripled, hammering against her ribcage. It was as though Alexa had read her mind. But it couldn't be true. She was miserable. Pushed and pulled. Sick with anxiety. “He’s married!”
Her eyebrows peeked up above her dark-framed glasses. “Is he?”
“Well, divorced, I think.”
Alexa tilted her head down. Her dark eyelashes lifted slowly, and her smoke-and-moss eyes peered intently into Kate's over her frames, narrowing, wordlessly challenging her.
"Okay. Yes! You know me too well." Kate swallowed. "But I didn't know it was true until this moment." She pushed her face into her hands, moaning. "Oh, my God. What's wrong with me?"
"Damned if I know. Especially with the delicious Jay waiting in the wings. What could you possibly gain by tangling with Simon again?"
"Nothing, nothing at all. I'm torturing myself. But..."
"But?"
"Well..."
"Well...?"
"There's more. And I can't avoid it."
Alexa's mouth quirked into a wry smile. "You gonna share that with me?"
Kate screwed up her face, diligently studying the Jackson Pollock emerging on the tablecloth. Tight bands of fear wrapped her chest, squeezing her heart until it fluttered like a dying bird, crushing the air from her lungs. Her head flushed hot as a furnace. Her voice, when it emerged, was a strangled whisper. "It means... it means I'll have to tell you a dark secret."
Alexa's tone twisted with sarcasm. "Something I don't already know about you. Seriously? That exists?"
A gust of embarrassed laughter escaped from Kate, merging into a mangled groan. "Yeah." She bit down on her thumbnail. "I'm so afraid you'll be angry with me Al."
Alexa was suddenly wide awake and leaning in. "Kate? What the fuck is it?"
Kate glanced around them. The restaurant crowd was thinning. Not many customers were left, and none were within earshot. She took a few shaky Pranayama breaths to calm herself. "So. Remember back in third year. When I got more and more crazy obsessed with him?"
Alexa nodded slowly, pinching her eyes together.
"Remember that party?"
"Simon's birthday party. Where you dragged me even though we didn't know anyone?"
"Yeah. That's the one."
"The one where I had to sleep in a chair half the night, and then walk about ten kilometers home as the sun came up because you slept with him and then desperately had to sneak out?"
Kate's heart fell to the pit of her stomach like a rock. "Yeah. That one." Trust Alexa to remember the humiliating details.
Alexa pursed her lips. "I always did wonder about that. You never mentioned him again.”
"Nope.”
"Oh, fuck. Did he do something nasty? I'll kill the bastard."
"No! No." Kate's breath came fast and shallow, her vision narrowing and getting spotty. "Not like that. It was unpleasant, that’s all. See... I pretty much threw myself at him that night. He wasn't very friendly, but in the end we did go to his…. We hardly spoke. I can’t remember… then we finally... you know..." she nodded,
and Alexa nodded back in understanding.
"He was... angry, I guess? Kind of cold and mean. He didn't hurt me.” She shook her head, not wanting Alex to misconstrue. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Not physically. But it was clear he didn't like me, didn't really want me there. I cried the whole time, wishing for something I couldn't have."
"That's sick."
Kate drew a deep shuddering breath, paused, and let it out. "I still don't understand why he didn't ignore me or kick me out. Just being a dumb guy, I guess–a lay is a lay. Anyway, it was confusing and humiliating. I was devastated."
"So that must be pretty uncomfortable for both of you."
Kate nodded, shrugged, feeling as though the room had shrunk and Alexa and she sat huddled together in a small dark box without air. Her skin felt raw and tight, as though she'd been peeled alive. "I have no idea what he's thinking." She focused on Alex's eyes, worrying her cheek, and hung on, knowing she could trust her friend with anything, and she'd be okay. She'd be okay. "There's more."
Alex exhaled and sat back, breaking eye contact.
"Don't leave me, Alex." Kate reached out and grabbed Alexa's hand.
Alexa leaned in and placed her other hand on top of Kate's, squeezing. "I'm still here, honey. You can tell me."
"Something else happened to me that night. I remembered something."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't understand it at the time. It crept up gradually. But something about that ugly night with Simon triggered delayed recall. I started getting flashes. Fragments of something."
Alexa nodded, and Kate could see the question in her eyes, awareness dawning.
"A memory of getting... raped… on a high school trip, that I had essentially…forgotten… for years."
Alexa sat stunned, her mouth open. "Is that even possible? I read–"
"I know. I thought so too. There's all kinds of controversy and misinformation out there about the subject. But I know what I experienced."
Alexa's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, baby. Why didn't you ever tell me?" Her eyes flooded with tears, triggering Kate's own, which burned paths down her cheeks. A sob ripped from her chest, as though the wall of tension holding her together had suddenly ruptured like a balloon, and she pulled a hand back to smother it, pressing her palm against wet, trembling lips. For several moments, she couldn't speak, could only feel waves of pain and shame surge through her body. Alexa waited, drawing a thumb back and forth over the back of Kate's other hand, soothing. Finally, the quaking eased, and she could draw a full breath.
Her jaw was too cramped to allow speech, lines of tension forking down her neck and shoulders. "I didn't understand for another three years. But that moment triggered the recovery of my memories, and then depression followed. As you know, there was counseling after that, lots of it."
Alexa nodded, her green eyes intense on Kate's face. "I know but, you really didn't know until then?"
"There is plenty of evidence to support the idea that some people experience dissociative avoidance strategies, a kind of selective amnesia, to reduce trauma-related distress."
"Now you're talking psycho-babble at me."
"Trust me, I researched it to death. I needed to understand this. And while I was studying psychology and mediation, I found out a lot. The actual learning and therapy helped me both understand and recover from the experience."
"Did you?"
Kate nodded. "I had a lot of baggage to work through. Insecurity, self-loathing, shame, anger. In fact I thought I was fully recovered… until I saw Simon again. Then something snapped. I began to experience some of the stress and anxiety I felt back then."
"And… he triggers those memories for you?"
"He did. Therapy helped me to understand why I was so obsessed with Simon in the first place. And then when he... well, I learned about a thing called transference. His angry rejection somehow echoed the rape itself, and released a flood of memories. Or maybe I was just ready to deal with it. So then they were all tangled up together."
"So despite being a jerk that night, Simon isn't to blame for your emotional reaction, is he? He dredges up all the painful memories. But obviously there are unresolved issues."
"Yeah. Apparently. I thought I was past it. But I hadn't seen him since then. How could I know?" Kate felt small. As though her bones had shrunk, and her flesh and skin had collapsed down onto her smaller frame. Her arms were heavy and weak, and there was no longer any room for her to draw a breath, or space for her heart to beat.
"Wow. I think I understand a lot of things now, in this new light. Your entire relationship history has been tainted by this."
“With Simon?”
“With everyone,” Alexa clarified. “No wonder you can’t commit to Jay.”
Kate reflected on her relationships with men over the past decade or so, including the confusing and stagnating two-year relationship she was in with Jay, and agreed with Alexa's point. It was definitely holding her back. She would never have a future if she didn’t deal with her past.
Alexa sat up taller, meeting Kate’s eye. "Seems to me, it’s even more clear that you have to quit this nonsense.”
“What?”
Alexa leaned forward on her elbows, intent. "You can’t keep on with this case, Katie. You have to get out of there before you get hurt again.”
“No. No, I see now that I have to work through it. To get past this.” She had to purge herself of the confusion, anxiety and self-doubt that had hung on all these years.
“You’re delusional! It's not rational to dig around in this stuff.”
Kate felt a surge of resentment toward her best friend. And disappointment. “I'm being extremely rational. I thought you would understand.” She loved Alex, but she was no psychologist, nor was she a relationship expert. In fact her own aversion to commitment led her into any number of dysfunctional relationships.
“I do. You’re not thinking clearly.”
Kate shook her head. No. She had to follow her gut. “I am. I have to do this.”
~*~
Tuesday arrived grey and gloomy. Temperatures had remained steady, hovering just above freezing, and the damp air hung thick and oppressive. Kate stepped off the bus onto a bleak street-scape and stopped for a morning coffee and bagel, before walking to Sharon’s office. Fingers of cold damp penetrated her overcoat, making her shiver, almost as much as the prospect of facing Simon again.
She was apprehensive about meeting Eli and D’arcy and their lawyers again after her peculiar behavior last Friday morning. Her intention had been to resume the mediated discussion after coffee break, but the anxiety attack had come on so precipitously, she just couldn’t pull herself together and had to get the hell out of there.
Afterwards, while discretely questioning Sharon on the phone, she learned first that Simon was married to a beautiful and talented lawyer, a close friend of Sharon’s, and then that he was in fact separated, which only added to her confusion. Not that his marital status was relevant. She was quite certain he loathed her, and she was prepared to keep a polite distance in order to do her work. Her muddled thoughts and feelings fueled her concern over the proper course of action regarding ethical conduct.
Nonetheless, today Kate was feeling much better about the new case. Unburdening her cares to Alexa and gaining a new perspective gave her the confidence that she could manage the case and do her job even with Simon in the room. Kate had made one more call on Monday morning, concerned about the impact this problem might have on her upcoming award and presentation. She didn’t want to take any chances with her reputation. Her old mentor and teacher at the Justice Institute, Rose MacIlhaney, was just the person to advise her on the ethical question that was bothering her. She conveniently left out the detail of her failure to disclose the details. She was relieved to hear Rose’s verdict.
“It’s a very grey area, Kate,” she had said. “You no longer have a relationship with the man, and haven’t seen each other for a very long time
. It’s not likely to affect your judgment regarding the couple.
“But Rose. This is the guy I told you about.”
“I understand, Kate. It’s up to you to decide if your performance is negatively affected in any way by his presence, based on your past together and your own feelings for him. You know what you’re doing. Only you can answer that.”
Kate had decided that, despite Alexa's skepticism, she had to face whatever painful memories Simon kindled and purge them forever. She was determined that, once she got used to the idea, she’d be herself again. And so she looked forward to hearing what D'arcy and Eli had to say today. Though it was unsettling to face Simon again, she needed to be strong and focus on her clients.
Kate arrived first and rearranged the seating from the previous week. The dreary view from the window was too depressing so she closed the blinds, fiddled with the light switches to brighten the room, and after a moment’s hesitation, dragged a potted palm to a new location. Better. She would place D'arcy and Eli side by side opposite her, facing the trio of framed landscapes– abstract, vibrant, Mediterranean, hopeful. This seating arrangement was designed to keep everyone comfortable and to avoid confrontation. They were to feel like teammates rather than opponents.
When Sharon entered, she sat at the end. Kate studied her warily from a distance. A deathly pale and ghostly mortician in stark black and white, she was stoic today, saying little. Good. Maybe she would behave herself on this case after all. It’s just a shame the table is so darn big.
Or not, she thought after everyone had been seated, and Simon took his place beside her. He wasn’t so rumpled today, she noted. His navy blue blazer set off a crisp white shirt, and an interesting tan, white, and red graphic Escher tie. She'd always liked him in white. He was even more handsome, if possible. Searing heat flashed down the side of her body, escalating her pulse, but she told herself it was just nerves.
“Before we go any further, I feel it’s necessary to disclose… something I failed to on Friday. I feel it’s my professional obligation to tell you that Mr. Sharpe and I were more than mere… acquaintances in college.” She raised her eyes to Simon’s warily, noting that his widened slightly at her words. “In fact we… we knew each other rather well.” She swallowed, waiting for her clients’ reactions.
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