“How old are you, kid?” she asked, teasing.
“Um. Ah… thirty… mm… something. I can’t seem to do the math at the moment.” He chuckled. “I think thirty-five. Yes, that’s it. Is it important all of a sudden?” He buried his face against her neck and nuzzled, kissing her earlobe and began to move with a slow, sensuous, liquid thrusting in and out, gradually quickening his pace and intensity.
“When you used to do this,” she murmured, “I thought it was just youthful exuberance and virility.” Amazingly, she felt herself responding to his slow seductive movements, though she was quite certain she couldn’t move a finger.
He laughed softly into her neck. “Well, I can’t speak for others. But it’s nothing to do with age.” He raised his tousled blond head and looked deeply into her eyes, holding her there in a blanket of warmth and intense yearning. “It’s you, Kate. I can’t get enough. I can’t satisfy my hunger for you.” He did not look away, with each deliberate thrust taking them both gradually up and up and up and over, like hawks on an updraft, hovering, drifting, descending, watching her, making certain she stayed with him beat for beat, holding her in his eyes.
No one, no one else had ever made her feel this way.
How could she resist the powerful pull of this beautiful, beautiful man, when he was all and everything she had ever wanted? And now, he wanted her too. Or he thought he did. No. No, she had to be strong. She felt the heat of tears building in her throat. This had to be good-bye. Her heart squeezed painfully and tears flooded her eyes, blurring his face. His eyes too glistened with unshed tears. How could something that felt so right be so very, very wrong?
Afterwards, lying truly spent, Simon toyed with a lock of her hair, saying nothing for the longest time. “Kate?”
“Mmm?”
“I could get very comfortable with this,” he whispered.
She waited, unable to say anything. Her breath was held hostage by such powerful feelings, she thought she might be swallowed whole and carried away, like Jonas in the whale.
“I didn’t think I would ever feel these feelings again, with anyone. You make me want to take risks, and live again. I feel safe with you, Kate.”
Kate felt panic rising, washing over her in a wave of heat and chills, setting her trembling from the inside out. She too felt something akin to love welling inside her. But it didn’t make her feel safe. She was too afraid of it to name it. She knew she wanted him; she couldn’t help that. But she wasn’t naïve anymore. True love, the kind that lasted, if it existed at all, must be a far heavier, more sensible thing, not this wild, fluttering flight of fancy that lifted her and threatened to shatter her into pieces, this desperate consuming need. It was too intense and out of control for her. These feelings couldn’t be trusted. She didn’t know what this was, but her pulse raced and she felt the urgent need to flee.
“Oh, Simon. Don’t go there, please.” She pulled away from him and the spell was broken.
“Don’t run away,” he pleaded softly. “I’m not asking for anything. I’m only giv—”
She jerked upright, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. “I’d better go.” She looked around frantically, feeling a sudden need to be alone, to meditate until she was calm and could gather her scattered thoughts. “Where are my clothes?”
“What are you doing? Don’t do this.” He sat up and touched her lightly on the shoulder. “I’m trying to tell you something.”
Kate stiffened, shrinking from his touch. “I know what you’re trying to say, Simon.” She shot him a hard look over her shoulder and turned away. “I don’t know if you’re glib, or hopelessly romantic. I don’t know who you are.” She buried her face in her hands, grinding the heels into her eye sockets to suppress the flood of hysterical tears that threatened to erupt. What had she done? She’d been so caught up in Simon, she hadn’t even thought of Jay. How could she do this so soon after breaking up with Jay? “I do know who I am not. I am not the girl who loved you fifteen years ago. I am not who you think you want to be with. Neither am I the clinging vine you ran away from.” Her voice rose and cracked.
Simon bristled and stood up, pulling on his robe, and stalked around to her side of the bed, facing her. When he spoke, his voice came out harsh. “Give me some credit for knowing my own heart, Kate. I’m not talking about the past. We’re not kids anymore.” He huffed out an exasperated sigh, knelt by her at the side of the bed and looked up, earnest. “I’m talking about you and me right now, right here.” He took her hand and placed it against his chest. “Feel this. This is real.”
No. Please, God, give me strength. This intensity of feeling is what she’d felt before. And that was a lie. It was her undoing. “You can’t know me. You are just as prone to falling in love with some abstract notion now as you ever were. It’s love you’re in love with. You’re fooling yourself. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m not the answer to your dreams or the solution to your family problems. Get real. Grow up. What you’re looking for doesn’t exist. And if it does, I’m certainly not it!”
Kate didn’t know if she was talking to Simon, or to that part of herself that wanted to let go and be head-over-heels in love with him again.
Simon’s face twisted, his mouth puckered as though he’d eaten a bitter pill. “You’re wrong. It’s you who can’t see the truth. Or don’t want to, because you’re afraid of something. I’m not a young fool. If there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way, it’s that real relationships are a two-way street. Nobody’s perfect, Kate. But we all need someone.”
Kate closed her eyes. She mustn’t give in to his arguments, however tempting, however much she wished for a simple, romantic outcome to this debacle. She couldn’t lose herself in him again.
Kate could not meet his eye, steeling herself, forcing her will to dominate her heart. She crossed her arms over her bare breasts, one hand over the pendant at her throat, and turned to face him, her eyes averted, her jaw jutting. “Look. This was a mistake. A big mistake. With all the baggage of our past, your fragile family situation, and the added complications of dealing with conflict of interest claims, we should have known better than to let this happen. “This situation is impossible. This just can’t happen.”
He seemed to deflate, and she knew she’d trumped him. For the moment. “It is happening, Kate. You can’t stop it. Why don’t you trust me? Trust yourself? What is it with you?”
She stood up abruptly and yanked the sheet off the bed, wrapping herself in it and looking away. She held up a hand to silence him and push away his reaching hand, and left the room determined to find her clothes.
CHAPTER TWELVE
She saw the hurt in his eyes as she left, and felt her own aching sense of loss and disorientation. The room was suddenly airless. She could hardly draw breath. What a fool she was to put herself in this vulnerable situation. She raced down the stairs, almost tripping on the sheet she dragged along, and grabbed her strewn clothing from the living room sofa and floor, searching for her bag. The chaotic scene of their passionate lovemaking the previous night filled her with panic. What have I done? What have I started here? Had she no sense? No self control at all? She found a guest bathroom downstairs and quickly washed her face, running wet hands through her tangled hair, shaking it out, putting herself back together as best she could, painfully reminded of her dream and her furtive dawn departure fourteen years ago.
When she emerged from the bathroom, she found him standing in the hall in faded low-rise jeans, bare-chested and bare-footed, his arms crossed. She could not bear the look of pain and scorn on his handsome features. “Want some tea?” he offered, his voice flat, and he waited, tight-lipped.
It was too tempting to go to him, to touch him. He looked so vulnerable in that moment she could almost forget that it was she who was in danger. She willed her heart to cease its pounding in her chest. She shook her head quickly. “I have to go.”
“Don’t leave like this,” he pleaded.
She stopped and
drew in a ragged breath. “Please understand me, Simon. I don’t want to hurt you. I genuinely like you. But this whole thing has become a confusing mess. We’ve rushed into something without considering the consequences for who knows what tangled reasons. Our lives are too complicated. I’m not what you need. And you certainly aren’t what I need. We can’t go back.” She held up both hands, palm out. “We’re playing with fire here. You may be willing to take risks with your career, and your family, but I’m not.”
“You sound just like me sixteen years ago.” His voice was filled with disdain. “Are you afraid of intimacy? Is that it? Or is commitment the problem? What’s your excuse?
She clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes, then met his with a steely glare. She ignored the voice in her head that acknowledged how close he’d come to the truth. “You can take it any way you like. It’s irrelevant. I’m leaving and I don’t want to pursue this.” She sliced the air with her hand.
Stealing a glance at him, she was alarmed by his grim face and set jaw. His sandy brows were drawn across his eyes, which were ice cold and flat, as was his voice when he spoke. “I really thought I understood you. You’re saying one thing but your actions tell me something else. Who are you lying to Kate, me or yourself?”
The scorn in Simon’s voice rose as his lip curled derisively. “Perhaps my first impression of you was closer to the truth, after all. Are you just another cold-hearted woman who only cares about her career?” His jaw jutted forward.
“Don’t be…” She stopped herself.
Was he trying to start a brawl? She ground her teeth as her body quivered with tension. Anger grabbed her gut in its fist and crushed it to pulp. She had a sudden urge to smack that insolent face. She shot him a venomous glare and turned toward the door, flinging it open with such force it crashed against the wall. She needed the violence to stay the tears that threatened to erupt—again. She was crying all the time lately. He followed her out onto the covered wooden porch, saying nothing. What was there left to say?
“Who’s playing with whose feelings here? Why are you still married anyway? Have you asked yourself that question?” They were both panting and bristling when she spun away and almost crashed into a young man leaping up the steps. She gasped in surprise.
“Will!” It was Simon who spoke first, under his breath, shocked.
“Si-mon.” The man stood to one side, his eyes darting from Simon’s half-dressed state to Kate and back again. “Good morning?” he said, a note of concern in his voice.
Simon shot him a silencing look. “Kate. I don’t think you’ve met my younger brother Will. Will, Kate.” His voice was clipped and he said no more. Kate imagined how the scene must appear and she glanced awkwardly at Simon and Will in turn. Though Simon got the edge in height and good looks, there was a distinct family resemblance.
Simon looked meaningfully at Will past her shoulder. “Anything wrong?” he said with a tight smile.
“No-oo.” Will glanced uncomfortably at Kate. “Need to pick up my hockey gear. Got an early game today.” Will smiled feebly at Kate, but his eyes were searching and curious.
Simon cleared his throat. “Right. Uh. The gear’s in the garage. I’ll get it out for you.” He turned and strode to the side of the house. Kate tried to swallow her anger and pretend a calm she didn’t feel, but she was shaking.
She and Will stood in awkward silence for a few minutes. Kate sighed. Was there no way out of this ridiculous situation? She glanced away, scanning the street. Could she just walk off down the street in search of a bus stop?
Will’s narrowed eyes scanned her up and down, lingering on her wet hair. “You spent the night?”
Kate lifted her chin. “I don’t see how that’s any of your concern, actually,” she snapped.
“I look out for my brother. Is that so extraordinary?”
She shrugged and turned her head away.
“You both seem strangely testy for new lovers, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t. What do you know about it?”
“I know more than a thing or two about Simon’s love life. He doesn’t have one. The truth is, I’m shocked to find you here at all.” He squinted at her, as though by sheer dint of concentration, he could glean the facts.
“Perhaps you don’t know everything about him.” Why was she engaging in a contest with this man? She didn’t know him. She would likely never see him again. He could think what he liked for all she cared. She glared at him, tempted to walk away without saying goodbye to Simon, but it felt wrong.
Will shook his head knowingly. “Simon doesn’t sleep around. He always puts Maddie’s needs ahead of his own.” His head tilted to one side. “But it seems you’ve broken the pattern, whoever you are, Kate.” He said her name meaningfully and cocked one eyebrow in a strange echo of Simon’s familiar gesture, considering her. “He’s a lonely and vulnerable dreamer. I just hope he doesn’t get hurt... again." It sounded more like a threat than a wish.
She bristled. “I assure you that I have no designs on your brother, who can take care of himself and is fully responsible for his own vulnerable heart, as we all are. We’re old friends from university.” Will lifted his eyebrows clearly astonished at this detail. She crossed her arms, plucking at her pendant, and tapped her foot. “Look, can you just tell him that I–“
Just then, Simon appeared clutching a hockey stick, a large duffel bag slung over his shoulder. A ripple of physical awareness shook her at the sight of his bare chest, his lean hips, and she pushed it away. He dropped the bag on the edge of the driveway and sauntered up, handing the stick to Will, and taking in their expressions. “I see you’ve been getting acquainted. Weren’t you supposed to pick up Maddie?”
Will frowned. His head shook slightly, his eyes questioning.
“Rachel said she’d called you. Have you checked your messages?” Simon asked.
“Yeah. I never heard from her. Whassup?”
Simon chewed his lip thoughtfully, his eyebrows drawn. “I don’t know. She’s been acting weird this week. She’s had Maddie since Wednesday.”
Disbelief registered on Will’s face. “Wow. That is weird.”
“Well, sorry to interrupt your musings, gentlemen, but I really have to push off, so I’ll say good-bye… until Tuesday, then,” she said brightly, forcing a smile, hoping to escape before any more threats were made or questions asked.
“Wait. I’ll give you a lift,” Simon offered. Though his manner was still stiff, he seemed despondent now.
“No, thanks. I’ll walk to the… bus.” She pulled her jacket closer to her neck, glancing up. The sky was dense and grey, the air cold and damp.
“It’s going to rain any minute. I’ll take you home.” Simon insisted testily.
No! She shook her head, her throat tightening. Kate couldn’t trust herself to be alone with him just now; her feelings were so conflicted and confused. She’d surely cry and say things she’d regret. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and beg forgiveness. She mustn’t even allow such thoughts.
“Hey, I’m leaving anyway. Can I drop you somewhere?” Will looked at Kate. The look said he didn’t care one way or another, but she sensed he was digging for more dirt.
She chewed her lip, considered her options: Simon’s resentful eyes, the dark sky looming overhead, Will’s lecturing. She could better handle the brother. “Thanks. I’d appreciate it.” She and Simon exchanged one long hard look before she got into Will’s rusty Dodge pick-up and slammed the door. She stopped herself from glancing out the window at Simon, and her chest squeezed with a terrible sense of loss.
Despite Kate’s fears that Will would renew his probing questions on the way to the bus stop, he said nothing at all, and Kate sat silently, ramrod straight, staring out the window, wondering about this protective little brother and his cautionary words. The sooner she got far away from both of them, the better.
When they finally stopped, he half-turned to her. “I’m sorry for walking in on your lover
’s spat. I know it’s none of my business.” He stuck out a placating hand. “But you have to understand that my brother hasn’t dated since the split with Rachel. Not once.” Will squeezed his eyes shut briefly and shook his head, his jaw dimpling with tension. “I hate it. I worshiped him, before she brought him down. He might have been anything.” He paused, and shot a glance her way.
She gaped mutely, shocked. Is he serious?
“I don’t know what you’re fighting about, but it doesn’t look like the result of a one-night stand. There’s something more going on here. I also know that you wouldn’t even be in Simon’s house, or in his life, if you weren’t someone very important to him.” He paused, and scowled at her, his teeth worrying his cheek.
She said nothing, but returned his stare.
“I just hope, whatever the problem is, that you work it out. For his sake. I don’t think he’d survive another heartbreak.”
God save me! thought Kate as she got out of the truck. This isn’t difficult enough. I need guilt on top of everything else. It was enough to make her wonder if Simon was the victim and she the villain in the scene. How would the protective brother feel if he knew that Simon wanted a relationship, and Kate had shot him down. She knew she was doing a bad thing, and she was hurting him, but she was doing it for the right reason. Kate just couldn’t take the risk.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Her gauzy window screens veiled a flat silver sky, only partially mediating the imposing effect of the frigid, wintery morning. Kate shivered. She’d tried to compensate for the cold weather with fresh coffee and spice tea, and warm muffins, wistfully remembering her conversation with Simon.
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