“It’s okay to feel anger. It’s right to feel anger at what happened to you. I’m angry too, that some lowlife asshole could violate you that way. It makes my blood boil.”
Kate heart swelled at his declaration. The fact that Simon rose to her defense comforted her a little.
He continued thoughtfully. “But, you’re right, in a way. I was selfish. And immature. And stupid. I knew you better than you think. I’d fallen in love with you too, in my limited way… I understood, on some level, that you needed compassion, that you were hurting. But I didn’t have the words to express it, or the life experience to deal with your pain, Kate. The closer I got to you, the more I felt it. It scared the hell out of me. So I shut it out. I shut you out.” His blue eyes glinted sharply, skipping like a flat stone across the surface of his memories.
“I was too young, and too accustomed to being selfish to be so… so needed. I was weak. I didn’t want to have to work at a relationship, never mind make a commitment. We were so young.” Simon’s jaw worked as he contemplated the scene out the window. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. The last thing I would have wanted was to make things worse for you.” He reached out and caressed the side of her face with the knuckles of his hand, letting it rest there. Her eyes welled with tears and she felt them spill over and slide down her cheeks. He brushed them away gently.
She slowly shook her head, her mouth twisting downward. “It wasn’t your fault I came unglued. You just showed up in my broken world at a time when I needed something to hold onto. I expected too much from you. And what we had was so… ” she sucked in her breath, her voice breaking, “…so intense…”
He pulled her gently toward him until she was pressed against his body, wrapped his arms around her and laid her head against his collarbone, stroking her hair softly. “It was. We had something extraordinary, despite all that.”
She forced herself to continue. “Simon. That’s not all of it.”
“Shh. Enough now.”
“No. Listen. I can’t stop until you know the rest.” She pulled away, and strode woodenly toward the fireplace, staring unseeing into the dying flames.
“What else is there? Every time we bumped into each other on campus, I couldn’t wait to escape. I felt guilty, and I’m ashamed of it now.”
Shame. She knew about shame. “Simon, we didn’t bump into each other. Oh, maybe once or twice. But it’s a big campus. Didn’t you guess?” Her voice was a hoarse whisper. She wrung her hands, twisting her fingers painfully. This was the hardest part to confess, but she didn’t want there to be any more secrets between them.
“What do you mean?”
Kate cleared her throat. “Simon, I looked for you! I followed you, and… and memorized your class schedule, your routes. I made sure I was there to bump into. I basically stalked you!”
“Really?”
“I’ve never felt more ashamed of anything I’ve ever done in my life. It’s the most pathetic thing I ever… I was so lonely and so full of self-hate that I needed to validate my misery in some concrete way.”
Stepping up close behind her, he placed his hands on her arms. She could feel his warm breath on her neck like a balm.
“Don’t torture yourself. It’s all in the past. You’ve worked through it. You understand what brought you to those acts of desperation. It’s over.” He slowly turned her around to face him, searching her face.
“I was so obsessed with you.” She shook her head. “No, not even you, because what did I truly know of you? Just the idea of you… that I could hardly think of anything else. I went on for years, on some level, maybe two or three years, hoping, yearning… until… ”
“I know.” He raised his hand, palm outward, grimacing. “Oh, I get it now.” Then he clenched it into a fist and pressed it against his lips, his eyes glistening in anguish. “Don’t remind me. I was truly heartless that night. I… I was more than heartless; I was cruel. The things I said, the way I behaved… I can hardly bear to recall.”
“You couldn’t know.”
Simon searched her face. “Even so, it was inexcusable, to use you that way. And I never saw you again. I never knew what happened to you. Why did you leave without… In the morning I could have…”
She sucked in a deep breath. “I was filled with horror at your contempt of me. I couldn’t face you.” She closed her eyes. “That… encounter… seemed to slash through the wall of my repressed memories. The anger of it echoed… I tumbled into a profound depression that went on for a year, more than that.”
Simon’s face reflected her pain like a shadowed mirror. He opened his mouth to speak.
She raised a hand to stop him and continued; now that she’d started, she had to finish. This was part of her and he had to understand. “I think that was why I was so needy. Before that I was sensible, independent and ambitious. Afterwards, I felt worthless. Un-loveable. And then, there you were. We probably would have gone our separate ways eventually. But I couldn’t let go. You were my lifeline.”
“Right place, wrong time.” A sad smile tugged at the corner of his beautiful, sensual mouth and a light sparked in his eyes. “So you were never really in love with me at all.”
She offered him a weak smile. “Sure I was. You were beautiful. I lost myself in you. But like you, at that age, I should have been able to let go and move on.” She sighed. As she spoke, the revelations of her therapy and self-analysis took on a deeper meaning than they had ever done before. She understood, at last, what Rose had been saying. “Right man, wrong kind of love. For the longest time, I needed you to validate me. As if, if I could have the love of a man I thought was so perfect, so ideal, then I would be ok. I would be clean and whole again. Your rejection was more than I could bear and, for years after, I wouldn’t give anyone the chance to reject me again. All I could feel was the self-hate and even that I didn’t understand. But I don’t need you to validate me. I don’t want to need anyone.”
“Of course you don’t.”
“It was only by accident that I stumbled into therapy. I knew I needed help.” She frowned at his chin and then closed her eyes.
“You’re wiser than you know. To ask for help is the hardest thing.”
She gazed into his eyes. She felt suddenly so tired, as weary as an ancient crone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to drag you back into those terrible times. I spoilt what we could have had. If I weren’t so needy… I’m so humiliated that you knew me then. Try to imagine how I felt when you walked back into my life in October. I hate that I’m still so… I thought I’d worked through it all. I’ve been afraid you couldn’t love me when you knew how dysfunctional I was.” He pressed a finger to her lips, and shook his head slowly, his eyes full of gentle compassion.
“You’ve been afraid of rejection, because I rejected you before. You thought you weren’t worthy. But I promise you, I see you and love you as you are– and I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”
He leaned toward her and pressed his lips softly to her forehead. “We are each of us an island. But we don’t have to do it alone, Kate.” His eyes drifted to the flickering embers. “I’m sorry for your suffering.” He paused, pensive. “But, I’m not sorry I knew you then. And I’m glad you’ve shared this with me. We understand each other. We’re stronger. Now we can go forward together without games or secrets. We can make something together that’s better than either of us have ever had before.”
He put his arm around her and drew her closer. Tongues of flame licked at the embers, burning low now, glowing red in the semi-darkness. “From where I stand now, it’s crazy to imagine a couple of teenagers being able to deal with any of these issues, isn’t it?
He turned to her again and wrapped her in a comforting embrace, bending his forehead to touch hers. She stood, limp, empty as a deflated balloon, her arms hanging at her sides, tears drying on her cheeks now that she had unburdened herself and they had each reached toward forgiveness. Then, slowly, tentatively, she slid her hands around his back, and held hi
m tightly, heart to heart, the safest of harbours. A few silent minutes passed. He let go then and looked down, cupping her tear streaked face in his hands, searching her eyes intently. Then he bent his head and touched his lips to hers, as lightly as a butterfly’s wing. They sank onto the sofa, piled with blankets and cushions, and he turned to stare at the glowing coals, pressing his lips together, then spoke softly, under his breath, so she could hardly hear him.
“You aren’t the only one who was obsessed with an ideal and pursued it relentlessly. I had the same notion when I was young. For different reasons, obviously, but I searched and sampled and moved on, hurting people along the way, no doubt, until I thought I’d found it. That’s why I married Rachel so young. She seemed, on the surface, to meet that image.” Simon closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head woefully. He faced her and gazed into her eyes with such sober honesty that Kate’s heart ached.
“How wrong I was. I was arrogant and foolish. It was a hard lesson. At first I thought… you seemed similar… but getting to know you… Now I see that no one can meet an ideal. I didn’t know what was important.”
“How can anyone, without living?”
“But I was so arrogant, and so wrong. Despite your insecurities, you are everything I want… have ever wanted.” His uneven smile was soft and endearing, and she reached out and touched the curling corner of his beautiful lips with a fingertip. “But I could never have imagined you. I had to discover you and myself, too. You weren’t so very crazy. But I am sorry for your pain, my love.”
She wanted him now, so desperately, with her body and soul, but she had to learn to want him gently, to put away her fear of needing him so much. She held back the urge to kiss him, afraid she would devour him, lose herself completely in him.
“Kate?” She lifted her gaze into his penetrating blue eyes. “What about now? Are you still afraid I’m not who you think you love?” He shifted his weight, his hip pressed against hers, thigh to thigh. “There’s nothing wrong with holding up ideals, as long as you don’t let them get in the way of true happiness when it’s staring you in the face. Do you want me in your life now?” He took an expectant breath. “Tell me you need me too, as much as I need you.”
She opened her mouth to reply, to try to find words to express the overwhelming feelings that swept over her, and leaned toward him.
This was it. She knew that what she’d yearned for lay beyond this moment. “I can surrender now. I can love you with all of me.”
“You make love sound like a sacrifice. True loving takes nothing away.”
“I know that now. I don’t mean sacrifice, but acceptance.”
“And loving will make you stronger.”
Then he kissed her powerfully, opening his mouth on hers and pressing so deeply their teeth clashed and she thought their skin would break. He plunged his tongue into her mouth, searchingly, longingly. She felt the power of her desire and his overtake her and jolt through her breasts and womb and thighs like a river of molten lava unleashed after millennia of longing. And at last she did let go and kissed him back with all of her, opening the floodgates of her love and passion like a volcano, ripping open and spilling its banks. At long last they paused for gasping breath.
She laughed nervously, under her shuddering breath. “I haven’t felt this consumed since I was… nineteen.”
He chuckled softly and kissed the end of her nose. “Mmmm.”
“You have quite the way about you.”
“You still don’t get it, do you? It isn’t me. It isn’t you either; it’s us together.”
Simon pulled the pile of fleece blankets and quilts onto the floor in front of the fireplace and laced his fingers with hers, slowly kneeling and pulling her down onto the soft mound. He lay her back gently and leaned on his elbow beside her, kissing her again, slowly, languorously, tasting her, nibbling her lips, and then feathering kisses across her eyebrows, and the line of her jaw until he reached her earlobe and suckled it slowly, licking. Currents of heat coursed through her body where his skin touched hers, but she hesitated, pulling back.
“Maddie?” she whispered, remembering the little girl upstairs.
“Very heavy sleeper,” he murmured, continuing his gentle onslaught.
She lay quite still, her eyes following his movements at first, and then slowly closing, so that she could feel only him, her lips slightly parted, her breath ragged. His hands roamed across her body, stroking and caressing her shoulders, arms, back and thighs as if he would have all of her at once until she was trembling with tension and anticipation. Her body arched toward his, yearning to touch every part of her to every part of him. She could feel his arousal pressing against her abdomen, and a surge of molten desire shot through her, emptying her mind of all but one thought, to envelope him, to be one.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
When at last Kate let go, she experienced a flood of sensation and emotion unlike any she had felt before. Kate’s liberation rendered her uninhibited, intense and ardent, the expression of her love boundless and wild in a way that evoked the first time.
All her worries were annihilated by the here and now, of her connection with Simon, her need for him. His achingly familiar scent, the wiry strength of his long, lean limbs and arching body drove her mad. She was carried away on the floodwaters of their shared desire, inundated and bewildered by the intensity of her own feelings. When she reached for him it was as though all the power of the universe was unleashed through her, her fingertips and lips and eyes and the very core of her womanhood astonished by the force of their connection and electrified by it. In that moment, she could believe their bodies and souls mingled in some cosmic dance, as though their love subsumed their individual selves. Falling into his shimmering flame-blue eyes, she saw everything and nothing. And she felt timelessness and weightlessness and selflessness so absolute it was near unbearable and she was submerged in him like death and rebirth. Simon’s muted roar and wracking sobs echoed her own sensations.
“I love you so much,” he said, his voice quavering. “Words just can’t…”
“I know. I know,” she whispered hoarsely, her eyes closing. “I… ” she drifted away, utterly spent.
~*~
Kate awoke in Simon’s bed the next morning. She watched his peaceful slumber, the sheets tangled around his beautiful long limbs, her heart squeezing joyfully. Here she was on the other side.
Slipping out of the bed without disturbing him, she did sun salutations at the foot of the bed, truly filled to brimming with gratitude. She was just coming down from upward dog when she heard his voice.
“Kate?” he said tentatively, the panic rising in his voice. “Kate!”
“I’m here,” she replied from the floor. Simon sat up, peering over the edge of the bed, his eyes wide, to find her contorted on the floor, one knee up under her nose, her arms outstretched.
He sat up to watch. “Aah. Yoga?”
“Mmhmm. Sorry. I waited for you, but you were sleeping so soundly.”
“What do you call that?”
“Eka pada rajakapotasana.”
“Huh?”
“Pigeon pose,” she mumbled to the carpet, smiling, then pulled back, her arms in the air.
He lay back in bed, sighing. “You have beautiful breasts.”
They had staggered upstairs to his large white bed and made love a second time, slowly, dreamily and unhurriedly and fallen asleep again.
Simon’s face reappeared over the edge of the bed. “Oh my God! What’s that?”
“Downward dog,” she said, laughing breathily from her inverted position.
“Are you trying to kill me?” He rose from the bed and stood behind her as she stood up.
She was grinning over her shoulder, her eyes cast down at his brazen erection. “Merry Christmas.”
He grinned back, stepping forward, ready to pounce. The tip of his cock was just poised at her entrance when his delirious grin twisted into a grimace.
“Ah, damn.
Maddie will be up any moment. I’ll deal with you later.” He lightly slapped her bottom and planted a possessive, hungry kiss on her mouth. “Come down when you’re ready.” He sighed, pulling on sweats and a t-shirt and hurried downstairs.
Kate had a quick shower in Simon’s ensuite and, curling her nose at last night’s wrinkled clothing, wrapped herself in his plaid flannel robe. Toweling her hair dry, she wondered how Maddie would react to finding her still in the house. She slipped downstairs to find Simon busy in the kitchen again. She plonked herself down on a bar stool and grinned at him a little sheepishly.
“Merry Christmas again,” she said.
He licked his lips and smiled wryly. “Merry Christmas to you, ma’am.” He set a large cup and saucer in front of her. “Lose your clothes?”
“Should I have dressed? I was worried what Maddie would think.” She took an appreciative sip from the steaming mug of tea. “Mmmm. Chai. Perfection.”
Simon made a face, shrugged, and turned his attention back to his waffles. “Kids are adaptable.”
“You’re cooking breakfast?” she enquired. “I would have thought you’d have had enough of playing chef after last night’s dinner. It was a spectacular feast, Simon. I’m amazed at your skill, not to mention ambition.”
“Thanks.” He shrugged, his back to her, and continued his work. “I like to be in the kitchen. It’s relaxing and gives me time to think. Besides, my daughter has expectations.”
She sighed and took another sip of her tea.
He shot a quick glance over his shoulder. “What?”
“Oh. You know.” She laughed, teasing, “I was just thinking how you’re just about the most perfect man I’ve ever met.”
“Is that so?” he replied.
Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel Page 37
