Maybe Mira had been wrong. Maybe it wasn’t that he was supposed to save Erin. Maybe she was supposed to save him, the damaged ex-con who had long given up any belief that there was anything left about himself or his life that was worth saving.
What if there was something worth living for? What if there really was?
For the first time in a very long time, he felt the tiniest sliver of hope.
Chapter 9
Erin stretched out on her back on the warm, flat rock, watching the white clouds puff across the endless azure sky. Steen had taken a fleece blanket from his saddle roll and laid it over the rock, which had softened the surface, while still allowing the heat from the rock to penetrate. The moment was deliciously warm, soft, and perfect, especially since she was so aware of Steen beside her. She liked being with him, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so relaxed. “I think that’s an ice cream cone.” She pointed above their heads to a cloud that was changing shape even as she pointed it out.
Steen was stretched out beside her, taking up twice as much space as she was. His boot was resting against hers ever so lightly, and neither of them were pulling away. It was barely a touch, except that it was. Was he as aware of it as she was?
“It’s a football,” he said.
“Sports?” She laughed at his answer. “We’re out in the most beautiful vista ever created, and you’re thinking about sports?” She elbowed him playfully, just barely able to reach his side from her position on the rock. Of course he was thinking about sports. That was what had defined him through his whole life. He’d been a star football player, and had ruled the school from his athletic pedestal.
“Nope. I’m talking about sports to distract me from the fact I want to kiss you.” He didn’t move when he said it, and he didn’t stop looking at the sky, but his words were heavy with intent. They seemed to slide beneath her clothes like a sensual caress of promise and temptation, and suddenly, she wasn’t thinking about ice cream cones anymore.
Her heart began a steady thud of anticipation, but she didn’t dare look at him. She didn’t want to kiss him. Well, she did, more than she could practically fathom, but at the same time, there were a thousand reasons why she didn’t want to, most importantly because she was terrified of how vulnerable she would be to him. He affected her more than anyone else ever had, and if she kissed him, the part of her soul that was still alive would be in his hands, at his mercy, to preserve or destroy. She was so close to the edge, so fragile, that she simply didn’t have the resources to survive what Steen could do to her.
“Thinking about football isn’t helping.” His voice was low and rough, a seduction that was temptation beyond words. “All I can think about is what it would feel like to feel your lips against mine.”
She swallowed hard. “Why is it that you want to kiss me so much?” It didn’t make sense, quite frankly, and she didn’t trust it. Oh, she trusted him, but not his need to kiss her. She wasn’t the kind of woman that a man like Steen would lust after. She knew her long-standing crush on him made her more vulnerable to his attention than she might otherwise be. She didn’t want her teenage fantasies to shove her into a new world of hurt, just when she was trying to regain her equilibrium from the one she’d been living in for so long.
He shrugged. “Not sure why I want to kiss you so much. Just do.”
“Oh.” His non-answer actually relieved her. He wasn’t trying to sweet-talk her. He was simply being himself, and she was comfortable with that. She accepted his answer. He did want to kiss her, just because. She smiled up at the sky and clasped her hands behind her head. It felt so crazy to be lying in the sun with Steen, accomplishing nothing at all. “I haven’t done this in a long time.”
“Done what? Watched clouds? Or been coveted by a hot guy?”
She giggled. “Either of those, but I was actually just referring to the luxury of doing nothing at all.”
Steen shifted, rolling onto his side toward her. He propped his head up on his elbow, so he could see her. His cowboy hat was tipped back, but his face was still shadowed from the sun’s rays. “Tell me about your life, Chambers. When you were a kid, I thought you’d go out to New York City and start running some billion-dollar company. You were so damn smart.” The tiny wrinkles around the corners of his eyes indicated a man who’d spent his life outdoors, squinting in the sun. She’d spent more time indoors in a year than he’d probably spent in his life.
She smiled, running her finger over the brim of his battered hat. It was soft to touch, and she wondered how many battles it had been through with Steen. “I went to med school and became a vet.” Such a short answer that didn’t begin to explain all that her life had been, but that was the answer she was used to giving. No one wanted the truth, and she, quite frankly, wasn’t interested in anyone knowing about it.
He nodded. “Bet your parents were proud.”
“My parents?” Her chest tightened, and suddenly, the beauty of the moment vanished. “The only thing they were ever proud of me for was marrying Louis.” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice, or that familiar sense of failure that she’d been free of so briefly while she’d been cloud watching.
“I’m sorry to hear that. They’re fools, then.” Steen’s voice was soft, not judging, and she sighed, realizing it felt good to have said it aloud. Maybe she did need to talk about it. Steen wasn’t like the other people in her life, the ones who saw her only as an asset or something to either brag about or condemn as inadequate. Steen seemed to simply accept her for who she was, and he didn’t want anything from her at all.
Except, perhaps, a kiss, and she kind of liked that he wanted that from her.
At her sigh, Steen moved closer. He set his hand on her stomach and flattened his palm across her belly, on top of her shirt.
She jumped at the unexpected contact, but when he didn’t make any further movement, she relaxed again, unable to stop the happy sigh that escaped from her. “It feels good to be touched,” she said softly, loving the warmth of his hand through her shirt. “It’s been a long time.”
“What about your husband?”
“He wasn’t a toucher.” She closed her eyes, noticing how Steen’s palm moved with each breath she took. “We had sex a few times in the first year of our marriage, but after that, there was nothing. He didn’t like to touch in public, and that soon became the way he was in private, too.” She wiggled a tiny bit to her left, scooting a bit closer to Steen. Words she had kept inside for so long seemed to tumble out of her now, spilling forth from the hidden chambers of her heart. “I remember one time I came home from work, and he was sitting on the couch watching the news. I’d had a horse die on the operating table, and I was really upset. It was the first time that it had ever happened, and I was devastated.”
“I can imagine.” Steen’s hand was warm and reassuring on her belly, and he didn’t pull away upon hearing of her failure.
“I sat down next to him, sobbing, but as soon as I did, he said he needed space, and asked me to sit on the other couch.” She still remembered how cool and detached his voice had been, as if he were asking a stranger to move aside in a crowd so he could pass by. For a moment, she’d been too stunned to move, shocked that he would shove her away like that when her soul was breaking. He’d repeated it twice before she’d finally understood how completely he was cutting her off. “I went into the bedroom and cried in the shower instead.”
“Bastard.” Steen’s voice was icy, but his touch was still gentle as he began tracing circles over her belly. “What happened when he came into the bedroom? Did he say something then?”
“No, he decided to go to work instead. He said he had some research to do. I didn’t see him again for a couple days because our schedules didn’t overlap. He never mentioned it again, and neither did I.” She sighed, suddenly needing to tell the entire, sordid story, the one she hid from everyone, including herself. “I found out later that he was having sex with one of his residents a
t the hospital at the time. They’d been dating for four years. Everyone knew except for me.”
Steen’s hand stilled. “Bastard.”
She smiled at his word choice. “I can’t even tell you how stupid I felt the time I decided to surprise Louis at his hospital’s holiday party, and discovered that the reason he’d told me to stay away wasn’t because I hated events like that, but because he was taking his girlfriend as his date.” She’d never forget the moment she’d seen Louis pull the young woman into his arms for a kiss beneath the mistletoe, his hands everywhere on her body that they shouldn’t have been, while his buddies cheered him on. “You should have heard the silence in that party when I walked in while Louis was making out with his girlfriend under the mistletoe. Everyone just stood there, looking at me, waiting for him to notice. It took him a full minute.”
Steen swore again, choice words that brought another smile to her face. He was voicing all the words that she’d never allowed herself to feel when she’d been fighting to be strong and to pretend she didn’t care. “What did he do when he noticed you?”
“Nothing. He looked up, saw me, and didn’t move. He knew that if he waited long enough, I’d walk out without causing a scene.” She shrugged. “He was right. What could I do? I couldn’t afford a scene, and he knew it.”
“I’d have caused a scene. I’m socially unacceptable like that.” There was no humor in his voice, just thinly veiled outrage. He touched her jaw, turning her head toward him. His eyes were blazing with such fury that her heart turned over. She realized he had meant it completely when he’d said he would have made a scene at the party. His fury on her behalf made her throat tighten. No one had ever wanted to defend her before. No one had ever been outraged on her behalf. She prided herself on being tough, but she wasn’t going to lie. It was the best feeling ever to have Steen on her side.
“Erin, you do realize that he isn’t worthy of you, don’t you? He isn’t even worth the time it took to tell that story.” He searched her face, his fingers still clasping her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze.
She couldn’t help but smile, a weary smile that acknowledged his words. “I know it intellectually, but it’s not always easy to remember. It makes me so angry when I think of how hard I tried all those years to get his attention, or even a little affection. He wasn’t interested in me. The only reason he married me was because I was the daughter of the famous Dr. Chambers, and he wanted to learn from my dad. The fact I was on my way to becoming a vet instead of a doctor was unforgivable, but Louis and my dad felt that the benefit of becoming family outweighed the appendage of me. I know that it’s his problem, not mine, but it still hurts sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to let it.”
Steen said nothing, but his hand began to move again across her stomach, gentle touching that seemed to take away that isolation that had plagued her for so long. “They’re fools,” he finally said. “Being a vet is amazing, and it’s exactly what you should be doing.”
She smiled at his support, hearing the truth in his voice. “When my dad found out that Louis had been having an affair for four years, you know what he said to me?”
His hand stilled as he looked at her. “What?”
“He said that it was my fault because how could Louis be expected to be fulfilled by a woman like me? He forgave Louis, and hated me for forcing Louis to do it.” She managed a small laugh, trying to keep herself from caring. “I felt so stupid. I’d tried so hard to impress all of them my whole life, and I failed. Once my dad said that, and my mom agreed with him, I finally understood the truth. I realized I’d never be enough for them. I saw how stupid I’d been trying to win the approval of people who will never see it.” She sighed and wrapped her hand around Steen’s wrist, needing to ground herself in him. “After my divorce, I spent about a year burying myself in my work, but I was dying inside. That’s why I came out here to help Josie. I needed to get away. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Steen. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be good enough, and I’m not. So, if I stop trying, then who am I? I don’t even know.”
Steen sighed, and he bent over her, his blue eyes searching her face. “Listen to me, Erin. I know all about people who will use you for what they want. You can never win them over. You have to simply cut them out of your life and do what you want. You’ll never win that battle.”
“I’m learning that,” she said. “But I need the reminder…a lot.”
“No problem. I’ll hammer it into you.” His face became more serious. “Don’t let them take away who you are. Never give anyone that power.”
His voice was hard and bitter, and she thought back to all the rumors that had surrounded him as a child. She cocked her head, noticing the small scar above his left eyebrow. “Was your dad as horrible as everyone said? Is that who betrayed you?”
He shrugged noncommittally, as if the question didn’t matter to him. “He was an abusive alcoholic who knocked up women as fast as he could. He allowed all his bastards to run around the house trying to find food while he drank, smoked, and took his hatred of life out on all of us, so yeah, not a good guy. He had no expectations for any of us, except to get out of his way, or to be target practice for his fists.”
She felt her jaw drop open. “Really? He punched you?”
“When I was little, he did, but when I got bigger, no.” He flexed his arm mockingly. “One of the advantages of being in prime physical condition is that an out of shape bum can’t push you around, even when you’re fifteen.”
She felt like such a complainer. Her heart broke for what he’d endured, and for the casual way he blew it off. There was no way a child could endure that and not bear the scars on his heart. “I’m so sorry. Your situation was so much worse than mine. I had no idea what you were going through—”
“No. Don’t belittle yourself.” He leaned over her again, his face intense as he stared at her. “My life was easier, because by the time I came to live with him full-time, I knew he was a bastard and I didn’t care what he thought. I stayed out of his way and lived my life. Your parents controlled you from the time you were a baby, and that’s a hell of a lot harder to deal with. Conditional love is more destructive than no love, because they can use it to manipulate and destroy you. Just because they didn’t shove cigarettes into your arm doesn’t mean they weren’t equally as shitty.”
Her heart turned. “Your dad burned you with his cigarettes?”
“Once. I never let him do it again.” There was a hardness to Steen’s face that made her shiver. He may have been her childhood crush and the only boy in school that made her feel noticed, but there was a side to him that was so tough and hard, a world she had no experience with at all.
“I’m so sorry.” She reached up and pressed her hand to his face. His whiskers prickled her palm, but she didn’t mind. “You deserved so much more, Steen. I’m so glad that you were able to find your path and find a life with people who do see your value.”
Something flickered in his eyes, something dark and dangerous.
He didn’t answer, but instead, he took her hand and pressed his lips to her palm, tracing kisses across her skin. One kiss. Then another. Then another.
The moment he felt her hand against his lips, Steen knew he was lost. No one had ever looked at him the way Erin did, as if her heart was breaking for his pain. No one had ever assumed that he was the good guy that had found his path. He was so used to being the scum, and he knew that with his prison record, that would follow him throughout his life.
He had a feeling he should tell Erin about his stint in prison so she wouldn’t hate him when she found out how wrong she’d been about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He desperately needed her to look at him like he was a worthwhile human being. He’d thought he was long past caring what anyone thought about him, but he’d been wrong. He needed Erin to think he was okay, and he needed it with every fiber of his soul.
He couldn’t break this moment, and this connection by poison
ing it with who he really was. He wanted to be the guy who Erin saw when she looked at him, and he wanted to erase all the damage her parents and her ex had done to her.
She was watching him carefully, her gaze riveted to his as he kissed her palm. “That feels really good,” she whispered.
“It’s supposed to.” He kissed the underside of her wrist, then pressed another kiss slightly further along her arm. “Touching is good.”
She shook her head. “My family never hugged, and Louis never touched me. I’m not used to it. I didn’t think I needed it.” Her eyes were wide and vulnerable as she watched him. “But my whole body is crying out for you right now.”
Her words were so honest and vulnerable that they seemed to plunge right past his shields, deep into the part of him that he’d shut down for so long. He went still, staring at her, searching her face for some kind of deception or manipulation, but there was nothing. Just stark honesty and need. He swore under his breath as he released her hand and leaned over her. He pressed a light kiss to her cheek.
Her eyes fluttered shut, and she put her hand over his, where it was still resting on her belly. “Why are you doing this?” she whispered, her voice breathy and shaky.
“Because I need to. I need to wipe away all the taint from your parents and Louis, and I need to feel what it’s like to be with the one woman on this earth who has a good soul.” He kissed the corner of her mouth, barely able to keep himself from rolling on top of her and taking her the way he wanted to. They were alone out in the wilderness, and their horses were tethered nearby. There was no one around for miles, and he knew that they had complete privacy under the brilliant blue sky that he’d barely seen for those four years in prison. “Tell me no,” he said, kissing the other side of her mouth. “Tell me to stop. I won’t stop on my own, but I know you deserve so much more than me.”
Her eyes opened. “What do I deserve?”
A Real Cowboy Knows How to Kiss Page 8
