His eyes narrowed. “What did I say?”
“Nothing.” She managed a smile as she raised herself off him and tried to stand up.
He caught her around the waist, rolled her onto her back on the rock, and pinned her down with his body. “No.” His eyes were blazing again, as they had been every other time she’d tried to shut him out. “You don’t share something as intimate as what we just shared and then lock me out. What just happened?”
She shook her head and pushed ineffectually at his arm. “Nothing. I just want to go.”
Trying to budge him was like trying to move a mountain with a feather. He just settled more deeply on her, pinning her to the rock. Yes, he was lean from his injury, but even so, he was so much heavier and stronger than she was. She had no chance of extricating herself until he decided to let her go. “Steen, please, this isn’t fair. I want to go.”
He still didn’t move. “You remember the girl I was dating in high school?”
She hesitated, trying to grasp the sudden change of topic. “Rachel? Yes, of course.” She’d hated that red-haired cheerleader with every ounce of her soul. The girl had fondled Steen constantly, but she’d been mean and nasty to Erin every time they were alone. She had no idea what she’d done to make Rachel dislike her, but the cheerleader had been very good at punishing her for it.
“When I busted my knee in high school, she decided that I wasn’t going anywhere, and she was done with me.”
Erin frowned, remembering how they’d broken up in senior year. “Well, she wasn’t very nice—”
“You know how I found out?” He met her gaze, and this time, she saw real emotion in them. Betrayal. Hurt. Pain. “I walked into her house to take her to dinner for our three-year anniversary, and she was messing around with the backup quarterback who had taken over for me when I got hurt. She laughed and said I was a fool not to realize what was going on, and that everyone knew.” His voice was bitter.
Erin’s heart tightened. “I’m sorry.” She knew how awful that was. There was no pain that bit as deeply as having the person you loved and trusted most betray you.
He met her gaze again. “I didn’t learn my lesson well enough that time,” he said. “Five years ago, I ran into her at the local grocery store. She was in town for a wedding. I was in a bad place in my life, and I saw her as a sign from the angels. She talked a good game, and asked for forgiveness for what she’d done to me in high school. I believed she’d changed, and I thought she regretted it. I thought she had been sent to me to drag me back to the land of the living. We were in the middle of having sex when her husband walked into the hotel room. She had used me to make him jealous because she was pissed at him. She told him that I—” He stopped then, his face going hard.
She held her breath, fear prickling down her spine. Something terrible had happened that night, she was certain. Something that had eviscerated him. “What happened, Steen?”
He shook his head. “The day my mom left me at my dad’s,” he said, changing the subject again, “she told me that she’d be back in a week, like she had been every other time. I waited for her. Day after day after day. I believed she would come back for me, but she never did. I never heard from her again. She made me a promise to be there for me, just like Rachel had, and they both lied. So, I learned my lesson about believing in anyone, and I learned it well. I don’t trust women, and I don’t trust secrets.” He searched her face. “But I trust you, Erin. You’re the only person on this God-forsaken planet that I trust, and I can’t take it if you lie to me and shut me out.”
There was an edge to his voice, something desperate, something far beyond the story he’d told about Rachel. What else had happened that night in the hotel room? “Steen—”
“Tell me what’s wrong, Erin. I want to know what I did to make you pull away.” He looked stricken, almost tormented. “Did I read the signs wrong? Did you not want to make love? Did I talk you into something you didn’t want to do?”
“Oh, God, no. I wanted you to make love to me more than anything else I’ve ever wanted.” She was horrified that she’d made him wonder that.
Relief rushed across his face, and she felt his body tremble as he bowed his head for a moment, gathering himself.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I never meant to make you think that.” She instinctively touched his head, running her fingers through his hair.
He looked up, searching her face, as if he were waiting for her to say the rest. “You can tell me anything, Erin. I’ve known you since we were kids.” He pressed a kiss to her left breast, just above her heart. “Please tell me why you’re pulling away. I don’t know what I did. I need to know.”
“I just…” God, how could she say the truth without sounding like a desperate fool?
“You just what?” He caught her hand and kissed her palm.
She watched him kiss her. His jaw was rough with stubble, unlike the first time she’d seen him when he’d been so clean-shaven, with his hair super short. It had been only a week and a half, but his hair was a little longer, and he looked rougher. The bones in his shoulders were protruding too much through skin that didn’t have enough fat. His shoulder had an old surgical scar across it, and his side was bandaged. His cheeks were more hollow than they had once been. He was a man who had been through tough things, things that still haunted him. He was a man who had truly lived, and he made her want to live as well.
The person she’d been her whole life would never speak up about what was in her heart, for fear of upsetting or disappointing him. But he made her want to be brave, and not hide from who she was or what she felt. “When I said that we only had ten days…” She stopped, and bit her lip. Dammit. She didn’t want to sound needy and pathetic. What if it drove him away?
His eyebrow quirked. “Yeah?”
She cleared her throat, forcing herself to continue. “You didn’t seem to care that we only had ten days, other than trying to figure out how to fit in as much sex as possible.” There, she said it. Well, she hadn’t exactly spelled it out, but she’d said enough.
His face darkened, and he pulled back, his body tensing.
The moment he withdrew, she knew she’d made a mistake. The reason he hadn’t mentioned anything after ten days was because he didn’t want it. She shouldn’t have said anything. Damn him for making her say it!
But it was too late. There was no taking it back.
Chapter 11
Steen saw the hurt in Erin’s eyes, and he felt it in the sudden softness of her voice. Regret poured through him. Son of a bitch. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. He was supposed to rebuild her, not tear her down.
“Never mind.” She pushed ineffectually at his shoulders, but he didn’t move off her. “Forget I said it. It’s fine. I’m leaving. I get it—”
“No, you don’t.” He knew he was being a bastard by using his weight to keep her from leaving, but he knew that if she got up, she’d shut him out and disappear from his life. There was no way he could let her run away from him, not before he’d had the chance to make this right.
She glared at him, her chin held stiffly. “I don’t what?”
“You don’t get it.”
“Oh, really? What don’t I get?” Her voice was cool and distant, and he knew it was his fault.
Swearing, he struggled to think of how to phrase it. The last thing he wanted was to let her walk out of his life after ten days. It had been only a few days since they’d reconnected, and he couldn’t get her out of his mind for even a split second. After another ten days, letting her go would be like carving out his own heart with a pitchfork and leaving it in the hot sun to fry, but he knew he had to do it. She was better than his world, and she didn’t deserve to be trapped in his life. He couldn’t ask her to stay, but he couldn’t go with her, for a whole host of reasons, including the fact that she deserved more than to be saddled with him. There was no future for them, but he, somehow, had to make her understand that it wasn’t her that w
as the issue.
“Steen!” She smacked his shoulder lightly. “Let’s just let it go. The sex was great. We finally did it. I need to get back to work—”
“Stop it!” He grabbed her wrist, anger roiling through him. “Don’t talk like that. It wasn’t sex. It was much more than that.” Then he paused…sudden fear knifing through him. What if he was wrong? What if he was the only one who’d thought it was more? “Wasn’t it? Or was that all it was to you? Sex?”
Her mouth opened, and then closed. Confusion flickered across her face. “I don’t understand you. What do you want from me?”
“What do I want?” Swearing, he finally rolled off her. “I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted to rebuild you after that piece of shit tore you down.”
“What?” She sat up and grabbed her bra and shirt from the pile nearby. “That’s why you had sex with me? As part of a restoration project or something?”
“Shit, no.” He ran his hand through his hair. Hell, he was making a mockery of this. What the hell was he supposed to say to make this right? “I haven’t been with a woman in years. It’s not worth it to me. There’s no other woman on this planet that I would have made love to today except for you. No one.”
She paused with her shirt half on, staring at him. “What are you trying to say, Steen? I don’t understand.”
Swearing, he turned toward her. “The first time I noticed you was on the third day of my junior year. You were in eighth grade, still in middle school, and you crossed the street to the other side when you saw me walking with my friends.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You and your friends were loud and obnoxious. You scared me. I always avoided you guys…until you started being different.”
Guilt shot through him at the memories of the guy he had once been. “I watched you cross the street, and as soon as you got there, you stopped and knelt down. There was a baby bird that had fallen out of a nest. Do you remember?”
She blinked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. “You were there that day?”
“Yeah, I was.” He’d never forget it either. “You picked it up and made a nest for it on the handlebars of your bike. Then, you rode off down the street with it.” He had been so fascinated by the gentle way she’d handled the bird. He’d never seen anyone touch a living creature with such care. “I followed you. I wanted to see where you were going.”
Her eyebrows went up. “You followed me?”
“Yeah. You went to the nearest vet. They were closed, but you banged on the door until the vet came out. You remember what happened?”
She sat back on her heels. “Of course I do. I argued with her until she took the bird. That’s when I decided to be a vet, so I could help animals”
He leaned forward. “No, that’s not what happened. What happened was that she said it would cost at least five hundred dollars to treat the bird, and that if you got money from your mother, she would take care of the bird. You said your mother wouldn’t pay, so she said she wouldn’t help you.” He would never forget the absolute determination on Erin’s face, or the way she’d clenched her skinny little fists. “You said you’d work for her, and she said you were too young. So, then you said you’d trade your bike.”
Erin’s eyes widened. “You heard that whole exchange?”
“Hell, yeah. I thought the vet was a bitch for taking your bike. I saw you crying when you handed it over, but you never hesitated. You walked everywhere for the rest of the year.” He touched her cheek softly. “You were a rich kid whose parents refused to give you a new bike. You knew that would happen, but you gave your bike away anyway to save that little bird. I’d never seen anyone do anything selfless like that in my life. I had no idea that people like you existed.” He wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger. “You changed my worldview that day. There were many times in my life, especially during the last four years, when thinking of you was the only damn thing that kept me going. If you think for one second that I’d ever dishonor you by using your body, then I’ve completely fucked up, because all I want to do is make you understand that there’s no one else in this damn world that matters except for you.”
She stared at him, her mouth parted slightly, her shirt still only halfway on. She didn’t say anything, and he couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
“Don’t you get it?” He shook his head, struggling with how to make her understand how much he valued her. “My mother ditched me at my dad’s when I was twelve. She’d promised she was going to come back, like she always had before, but this time, she never did. She just disappeared. I didn’t belong with my brothers, because they’d grown up there. I believed in her, and she abandoned me to a bastard who kicked the shit out of me. My brothers were almost strangers. I rode horses and played football, trying to be so impressive that I didn’t need anyone. And then you showed me that sometimes, people are just kind for no reason at all. Do you understand what you gave me? What you showed me?” He spread his hands, showing all the scars on his knuckles from his father, from sports, and from horses. “This is my life, and yet you make me forget about it all.”
He hadn’t planned to tell her that she was the foundation that had kept him going his entire life. He knew he hadn’t explained it adequately, but he didn’t have better words to describe it.
Erin finished pulling her shirt on, then scooted over to him. She sat in front of him, searching his face. “You were the only person who ever, ever looked at me like I was special. I didn’t know that you saw that thing with the bird, but the expression on your face every time you looked at me was an incredible gift. You’re the reason I’m a vet and not a famous doctor. You made me feel like I was worth something just by being me. You never wanted anything from me. Ever. You just smiled at me with kindness.”
He framed her face with his hands, the tight ache in his heart easing. “That’s all I want,” he said softly. “For you to realize how amazing you are. If I can give you that, then I now understand why it wasn’t my time to die in that hospital.”
Tears filled her eyes. “Why don’t you care what happens after ten days? Why doesn’t it bother you I’m going to leave? Why don’t you want to ask me to stay?”
He closed his eyes against the urge to ask her exactly the same question. Why did she want to leave? Why did she want to return to the world that had treated her so badly? The need to drag her into his world was almost overwhelming, and he had to fight not to do it. Finally, he opened his eyes. She was staring at him, her eyes wide, waiting for his answer.
“I’ll break you, if you stay with me,” he said finally.
She frowned. “What? What does that mean?”
He brushed the hair back from her face. “My secrets are very bad, Erin. You won’t be able to look at me the same way once you know them, and you won’t be able to live with them.”
She raised her brows. “Why don’t you let me make that choice?”
“Because I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you looked at me like I was a monster,” he said quietly. “The way you look at me is all that gets me through each day. I can’t afford to lose that. I can’t afford for you to see me the way the rest of the world does. If you stay, you’ll find out, and I don’t want that.”
She bit her lip, searching his face. “You’re judging me,” she said softly. “You think I can’t see past it. That’s not believing in me.”
“No, it’s because I do believe in you.” He took her hands. “You deserve more than I could ever give you, and you would realize it. You burn for me because you’ve never been loved and desired this way. Once you get used to it, you’ll be ready for more, for a man who can offer you more than his insatiable need for your body and your soul. I won’t trap you in my life.” He traced his finger over her mouth. “Sometimes the people who come into your life are supposed to stay in it forever. Other times, their impact on you is what lasts, and they’re meant to become a part of your life story, and your past.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes, bu
t she pulled back, out of his reach. “I’ll never force myself on someone, including you” she said stiffly. “I deserve more. I deserve someone who wants me.”
He nodded. “Yeah, you do.” He wanted to tell her that he was that guy, the one who wanted her with every fiber of his soul, but he didn’t. He had to let her go. He had to. So he didn’t move as she retrieved the rest of her clothes, watching as all that skin disappeared under layers of cotton, designed to shut him out. She climbed down from the rock to get her boots, not even looking at him.
He knew that he was losing her, but he didn’t speak up. She needed to be strong enough to walk away from something that wasn’t enough for her, so he wasn’t going to stop her, but at the same time, he hated the fact that she was walking away hurt. He couldn’t stand knowing that he’d hurt her, but as hell was his witness, he didn’t want to tell her the truth. He couldn’t risk it.
But as she untied her horse and swung up into the saddle, he couldn’t stop thinking about whether he could risk not telling her the truth. What if she did understand? What if she was able to see past it? Then, she would understand why he couldn’t be with her, and maybe they could part without her being hurt…and maybe, just maybe…she would still look at him the same way, even knowing exactly who he was. What were the odds? Slim? None? He couldn’t risk it. But at the same time, would he ever forgive himself for not trying?
Chapter 12
Erin pushed her horse hard on the way back to the ranch. She buried her hurt in the wind tearing through her hair, and in the sound of Stormy’s hooves thundering on the parched ground. She let the strength of the animal fill her, and she let the speed tear a lifetime of vulnerability from her. She hated herself for letting Steen hurt her. She hated Steen for hiding secrets from her. Withholding his truth felt almost as bad as when Louis had withheld physical affection from her, because she’d believed in the connection she and Steen had.
A Real Cowboy Knows How to Kiss Page 10
