“I’m so sorry,” He said quietly.
“Where are Azami and James?” I didn’t want them to see me like this.
“They’re bunking with Mason and Jen for the next few days. I didn’t want them to see you like this.” Ryan’s eyes stared directly into mine. “You scared me there for a while,” He looked down at the dirt floor, “You’ve been unconscious for two days.”
“What?” I said, surprised. “Have you been here the whole time?” My voice grew stronger the longer I stayed awake.
Ryan nodded and my heart filled with warmth. Who cares about our past, no one has ever taken care of me, ever! I feel the tears starting to flood my eyes over how much such a small gesture means to someone like me, but I close my eyes and hold them in. I don’t need him to see this because it’s such a personal thing to me.
“Are you still tired?” He asked.
“Yes.” I replied, as he reached out again to push the hair out of my face, while at the same time, brushing a stray tear that had slipped out, but he didn’t say a word. I worked on composing my emotions and once I felt confident that I wouldn’t break out into sobbing, I raised up and my head began to spin; my body jerking at the sharp pain in my ribs with the movement, so I laid back down, “Oh God, this is terrible,” I moaned, placing my hand over my eyes, trying to settle the dizziness and catch my breath.
“What are you doing? You need to lay still.”
“But I really need to use the restroom and brush my teeth! My mouth tastes like it’s been used as a restroom,” I whine.
“Fine, but I’ll be helping you.” He slipped his arms under me.
“Wait! What are you doing?” I cried, unable to do anything to stop him.
“I’m carrying you. You can’t walk yet.” Fine. I don’t have the energy to argue or pee in the bed.
“Will you grab my toothbrush too?” I asked shyly, not wanting him to have to help me anymore than he needed to.
“No problem,” He goes to fetch the toothbrush and returns to lift me up. He ducked out of the room and walked down the tunnel to the main cavern at a steady, even pace, as if he wasn’t carrying anything at all.
“Thank you.” I said in a small whisper of a voice.
“No problem.” He smiled down at me as we entered the main cavern. There was no light entering the cracks in the ceiling.
“It’s night time?” Obviously.
“Yeah. Remember, it’s been two nights since, you know, the attack happened.”
There was nobody else up as we walked through the main cavern. I watched the holes in the ceiling that were filled with stars, shining down on us from the warm, Oregon sky. It was like thousands of fireflies fluttering far above. After a couple weeks of being around Ryan, I no longer jumped when he touched me. All of the small gestures he made toward Azmai and me had me becoming more comfortable with him.
“That’s beautiful.” I murmured as I lowered my eyes to his.
Ryan didn’t look up, but he did look at me when he said, “Yes, it is.”
We entered the bathroom tunnel and went right to the lavatory. “Here,” He sat me next to the toilet area. He paused, considering his words. “Can you do this part yourself?
“Yes.” I said, not knowing if it was true but not voicing it. I felt steadier, but the ache in my side was unbelievably painful, and my legs were like spaghetti noodles.
Ryan stood and watched me, debating on whether he should leave me alone or not, but he turned and exited, giving my privacy.
Once I was done, I started to walk back to the pool area, but before I could make it a few steps out the door, Ryan was scooping me back into his arms. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
Put me down. I can walk.
No, I didn’t want him to put me down, even if I could walk. Being held in his arms, against his chest was something no one had ever done. I was being selfish, but the idea of him taking care of me now made me want to hold on tighter, no matter how wrong it was.
We entered his room and he laid me back on the bed. “Do you think my ribs are broken?” I wondered.
“No. Michael said they’re just bruised, but still plenty painful. He went to med school. The Flash happened before he graduated, but hey, his skills are invaluable, and certainly better than nothing.” He tossed a light blanket across my body.
“Thanks.” I said.
“You’re welcome.” He spread James’s blanket on the ground, laid on top of it and started to cover up with another one.
“What are you doing?” I asked, watching him.
I should have kept my mouth shut. I’m so conflicted on how I should feel. I don’t hate him and how do you explain to outsiders that even though it was rape, it was better than the alternative? He could have done things differently. I could have done things differently, but in that time and that place, we both made a choice to do what we had to do to survive. I didn’t run and take my chances because I was scared, so what about him? I can honestly say that he felt he had no choice either. We were two people brought together by terrible circumstances, but we survived. At this point in our lives, that has to be enough. We both made our choices that day and I am tired of living in that past, and I’m sure he feels the same.
“Well I thought you could have the bed since the kids are gone.” He answered, trying to avoid my eyes.
“Have you been sleeping down there the entire time?” My lips twitched up at the thought of him at my side for two whole days.
He hesitated a moment, “You were unconscious. I didn’t know if you’d be okay with me sleeping, well, lying next to you.” He breathed deeply, decompressing for a moment, “But, I didn’t want to go far just in case you needed anything and besides, I don’t mind.”
His words warmed my chest. “You don’t have to sleep down there. You can share the bed with me.” I whispered. The floor had to be killing him. It was mostly made of solid rock. The bed was big enough that we wouldn’t even touch as long as we stayed on our sides.
He looked weary, searching for the sincerity in my words, “Are you sure? I don’t… I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” He visibly swallowed.
“Yes, I’m sure.” Uncomfortable wasn’t the word I would have chosen to describe how I was feeling with him next to me. I wanted him. I was disgusted with myself for wanting him, and scared to find out what he’d think of me for feeling this way if he knew.
He hesitated for only a second, then laid his pillow next to mine and crawled up on the mattress, then covered himself with his blanket. We laid there, staring at the ceiling, not knowing what to say. The air grew thicker the longer we remained quiet, coiling tension around the room. I knew what he was going to say before he began to speak.
“So she’s mine; my daughter.”
“Yes.” I say, just above a whisper. No need in beating around the bush any longer. May as well hash what we need to out right now and get it out so we can all just move on.
“Fuck!” He growled. “I’m so fucking sorry. I only wanted to save you.” His words were tight with emotion. “I resigned myself to what I thought I had to do, but then you were a virgin and…”
“Don’t.” I gasped. The thought of losing that part of myself with that nasty man watching us was vomit inducing.
He finally turned to watch my expression closely. “Are you okay?” He huffed a laugh and shook his head. “What am I talking about? Of course you’re not okay.” He ran his hand through his hair.
“I am, actually.” He paused to look at me, an expression asking me to explain. “I mean, I wasn’t at first. At first it was horrible.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I’ve needed to say this for a long time, but only just now realizing how much. “I was so scared. I didn’t know if you all would return. I stayed until you left and ran in the opposite direction, just like you told me to do, but I was always looking over my shoulder, wondering if that man was around every corner. Then things started happening to me and I knew what it was. I was preg
nant. After the first initial freak out, I was happy, I guess. I didn’t know what I was going to do day after day, but I knew I wouldn’t be alone anymore. She saved my life. I can’t say I wish it never happened. That would be like saying that I regretted having Azami and I don’t. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and without truly knowing how to explain it to you, you took something from me, but you gave me something amazing in return.” Only after I finished talking did I turn to meet his eyes.
“You are unbelievable,” He looked at me incredulously, “How can you be this close to me and stand it? How can you not want to kill me in my sleep or something, anything? I can barely deal with myself when I think about what I’ve done to you.”
“Why did you?” The loaded question was out there before I could stop it. He stared at me as if he didn’t understand why I would let him explain. “You said you were trying to save me. Why?” I always wanted to know. Maybe hearing it from an adult’s perspective like now, instead of a scared, sixteen-year-old girl may give me more clarity on his situation at that time and finally find some closure to this. I’m tired of beating a dead horse with my young minds recollection. I need to see it from her older self.
He ran his hand through his hair again for about the thousandth time. “It happened a couple of days before we ran into you. I stumbled upon this group about a week earlier and thought it would be a good idea to travel with them until we found some food. We did, we ran into another camp of four; three men and one woman. They were really nice. They shared their dinner and water with us without asking for anything in return. The conversation was light, and it had been a long time since I’d had nice company. I went to sleep that night with a smile, maybe even some hope that I could find a way to make the best out of such a bad situation.
“The noise should have woken me because I usually sleep so light, but I slept deep that night, and by the time I heard the noises and woke up, they had killed two of the males and was forcing the last one to watch them rape the woman, along with other things they were doing to her that I’d rather not talk about. Before I could intervene, Marcus, the sick fucker who watched us, pulled out a gun and shot her point blank in the forehead.” The hurt in his voice was apparent. “There was nothing I could do. She was gone, and shortly after, he did the same to the man, but they tortured him for what looked like just as long as they did her. They killed them for no reason, other than just to do it. The girls with us weren’t innocent. They were like his followers, and just as sick as he was.” He watched me to make sure I was holding up okay. “They basically gave me an ultimatum; either they would kill me, or I could prove myself and become one of them. I decided I needed to get the hell out of there, but I needed to do it when they wouldn’t be able to find me. At that point, they were watching everything I did, so I was just waiting for my chance to get away.”
“When we found you, he wanted to bring the entire group down on you and do the same thing with you as they did with the other woman. I panicked, and I talked him into letting me prove myself to them. We watched you for a couple of hours before we finally surrounded you.” He looked back up to the sky, ashamed. “I tried to find another way out, but I knew if I defied them, they would have killed me and then did what they wanted with you anyway. I knew what I was going to do to you was one of the worst things I would ever do in my life, and yours. Don’t think I made that kind of decision lightly. It’s weighed on me every day, and when I saw you with my brother, and my daughter, I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was so scared of you. I didn’t know how deep your hate ran for me, or when you would tell my brother about what I did to you. There was just no way to approach it when you didn’t come gunning for me. I was scared shitless of you.” The blue in his eyes was glittering like light on water. “There is nothing that I could say to make any of it right, but I beg you to let me try. I can’t take this burden anymore, especially when I see you and my baby girl every fucking day. I have no right, but I am begging you to find some way to forgive me. I can’t bare it anymore.”
Words eluded me. What the hell do you say to a story like that? I was almost relieved that he chose to do what he did. He was right, my fate could have been a thousand times worse. Whether I lived through that or not, I would have never survived it―never. Letting all this information sink in, I start to understand where he came from and what he had to deal with. I somehow feel that I should tell him I’m sorry for what he went through and what he had to do to save me, no matter how twisted it sounds, but I want to work to smooth these emotions out, so I try to change the subject, “Why did they call you Ryan, when your name is Ian?”
“That’s the name I gave them. It’s my middle name, Ian Ryan. I didn’t want to give them my real name.” He goes silent, and just when I think he’s finished the discussion, he says, “I know there’s no way I can make up for what I’ve done and I have no right to ask anything from you but please, I want to be a part of her life.”
My eyes go as round as saucers. “No, Ryan. No one can know. James knows. He knows about what happened and where she came from. He would figure it out. I could never hurt him like that, or have him look at you with anything other than love and trust.”
“I don’t know what to say. It means a lot to me that you haven’t told him it was me since he knows how she came to be, but I want this to be completely your call, of course. I just want to be a part of her life, in whatever way you’ll let me.”
I remain silent, weighing his words, but I must take too long as he says, “Don’t answer now. Just… Please. Will you think about it?”
I nod in response, letting him know I would consider it.
We become silent again until Ryan’s laugh breaks through the quiet. “Where did you come up with her name? It’s not one I’ve ever heard before.”
I smiled thinking about the day I named her. “She was three days old. I got so many books from libraries I passed about birthing, raising children―anything you could possibly know about how-to everything babies, along with books to just read. I was scared when it was time, but I felt ready and I was prepared for everything that could and would happen. I’m glad I was because when she came, it was quick and painful, but I had a healthy looking, beautiful little girl. I stayed in a place I found just to have a safe place to have her. I had watched it and it was the perfect spot with a very small stream that was hidden. I was lucky to stumble upon it. No one ever came around it so I took it. We stayed there for a few days until I felt we were ready to move on. I never liked staying in places too long, especially after she was born, and I needed to find food. By day three of our travels, I was exhausted and had to stop for the night. I found a much larger stream that was blocked on all sides by tall weeds. I never took the risk of staying next to water, either, but I needed it that night. I was dehydrated after having her and plain wiped out. When I woke up the next morning, lying right next to us in the brush was a book that must have fallen from my bag with baby names.” My smile widened thinking about that day. “The only problem was that it was a book full of names with Japanese origins.” My smile slipped after a moment, remembering why I chose her name. “It means Thistle Flower. She came from a traumatic experience, but she was a gift given to me to love and cherish, and I have since the day she was born.” My voice trailed off.
“I’m in awe of everything about you. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, and not just for what you’ve done and survived, but for who you are. I don’t know how I could ever make any of what you’ve had to endure alone up to you and Azima.”
The silence between us stretched out. “Don’t.” I said.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t be sorry anymore. I have no idea what I would do if she wasn’t in my life. She’s the best thing about me and you, it seems, and I don’t regret her one bit. It took me until now to truly understand the choice you had to make, and I’m glad I’m still alive, and I believe with all my heart that that’s all because of you, so thank y
ou for that. It took me a long time to come to terms with everything, but I do forgive you.” I met his stare, unyielding.
“I…” He ran his hand over his face and through his hair, making it stand on end. “Shit!” He looked like he wanted to stand and start pacing. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I never thought I would ever hear those words come from you. I don’t know what to say. Thank you is all I can come up with, even though they are nowhere close to what I’m trying to describe to you right now.”
Emotion was thick within the cave walls of his room. I paused for only a fraction of a second before I reached over and ran my hand over his neck and into the hair at his nape.
He stiffened, only for a moment before relaxing into my touch, then leaning slightly into me. He devoured me with his baby blues. “Do you mean this?” He ran his fingertips down the side of my face from my temple to chin. My breath caught in my throat.
“Yes.” The word barely audible slipped from my lips.
Ryan continued drawing his fingers down my neck, my shoulder, and then slowly down my waist. He found my hand resting on my hip and wrapped his fingers with mine. “I like you. I like you a lot. Since you’ve gotten here, I can’t stand being away from you for ten minutes. I think about you every second of the day. It has nothing to do with our past, but it has everything to do with what you make me feel just by being you. You’re strong, caring, hardworking, an amazing mother and a beautiful woman.” His confession is the last thing I expected. He just laid his cards out on the table for me, and the best part was that I wasn’t crazy; I wasn’t the only one feeling something between us.
Flash Series (Book 1): Infected Page 9
