by Rob Summers
Chapter 7 Nothing is Obtained
Someone had requested olives. A few weeks of dating Evan had made Hila acquainted with what could be found in his refrigerator, so she quickly located the small jar and inspected the expiration date suspiciously. Not too far past, she decided. She padded on bare feet into the backyard. Tonight it was ordered-in pizza, but the singles had still preferred to eat outdoors, especially since the September evening still held some of the warmth of August. She gave away her jar and resettled herself in a lawn chair by Evan.
Nearby and facing them in other chairs were Jane Burson, a newcomer named Kathy Hofrider whom Jane had brought, and Evan’s younger brother Arnie, who was visiting from Bloomington.
“No, I haven’t had time for watching the Olympics,” Arnie was saying to Evan. “The bookstore really keeps me hopping all day and then I work on the website most evenings. If you’re not selling over the internet, you’re going to be history.”
“Well, you might want to catch at least some of it,” said Evan. “It’s not like they do it every year. You find any olives, Hila?” She nodded. “Great, I wasn’t sure I had any.”
Jane Burson turned from a conversation with her new friend. “Hila, it’s a little cool to be going without shoes, isn’t it?”
“Maybe a bit,” Hila said.
“It’s not so bad,” Arnie said. “Take advantage of this weather while you can. They say this weekend it—”
Kathy intruded with a laugh. “Look how small your feet are, Hila! Mine are twice as big. Why, you have beautiful feet!” No one in the group could manage an immediate comment on this, but Kathy appeared able to sustain a conversation on her own. “You’re so pretty, Hila, like a model or an actress. Did you ever do either of those? No? Well, you could. And I admire you’re wide set eyes.”
Arnie looked at Hila. “Yeah, they are wide set.”
“They’re so wide set,” Evan said, smirking, “that they’re actually on the sides of her head like a bird.”
Hila noticed that everyone but Jane laughed at this.
“Are you from Viola, Kathy?” she asked the young woman.
“No, I moved here last month from South Bend to be with my grandmother.”
As she continued to explain about her grandmother’s ill health, Hila found that Kathy had a vivaciousness and infectious good humor that made one forget that she was rather plain. Her hairstyle was hopeless, her figure bony and angular, and her mouth oversized; and behind her poorly chosen glasses frames her eyes were small and short lashed. And yet she sparkled. She beamed. One wanted to be her friend.
Kathy turned the conversation back to Hila—her recent arrival from Indianapolis after losing her job—and managed to be excessively nosy without offending in the least.
“So you and Evan are dating? You are? Well, good for you. How long have you known each other? Only three weeks. You’re so cute together, really. No, really! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to embarrass you. Hila, I’d like to have lunch with you sometime; you said you get off at noon, so we could have a long lunch and you could tell me all about life in Indianapolis.”
Hila was short on friends and so not only agreed to this but suggested the next day. That would not work, Kathy said, but Thursday was good. Then the conversation turned to Todd Mankewisz; or rather Jane turned the conversation to him by noting pointedly that he was not present.
“What do you make of it?” she said. “He got off probation at the refinery yesterday and now he’s not coming to singles. Couldn’t you see through him right away?”
“That’s more than we can say,” suggested Evan. “Just missing one meeting isn’t much.”
“But he wasn’t at church Sunday either,” Jane said triumphantly.
“Well, yes, I know that. But we still don’t know what’s happening with him.” He paused to explain to Arnie and Kathy about Todd’s recent recommitment to God and about the job Ollie Fulborne had gotten him. “He needs to get grounded,” he said, using Christian slang understood by them all. “I asked him to start getting together with me to study the Bible, but he said he was doing OK on his own.” Jane made a slight, judgmental sound in her throat. “You’ve had some conversations with him, Hila. What do you think?” he asked.
Hila could not well answer this without tarring Todd’s reputation behind his back. While she paused, Jane jumped in. “She knew about him right away, that he left here three weeks ago to go to a bar. After we dropped him off, we circled around and saw him going into Wojak’s.”
“Honestly, Hila?” Evan asked. “You didn’t tell me that.”
“No, of course not,” Hila said with a slight edge. “Anyone can see how it is with him.”
“What do you mean? He’s supposedly not drinking anymore. This is something the pastor and board should know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I called the pastor,” Jane said. This was news to Hila.
“What did he say?” Evan asked.
“That seeing him go into a bar didn’t prove anything, and he asked me not to tell anyone.” Jane shifted in her chair. “Of course, it doesn’t make any difference now that Todd’s out in the open, does it?”
“It might make a difference to him,” Arnie suggested quietly.
“What do you mean? Besides, you need to know how to pray about it.” Jane’s eyes turned to all of them. “Men like Todd, who are susceptible to temptation, need lots of prayer support. Hila, why don’t you try calling him? He likes to talk to you, and he might listen.”
Hila took this as Jane’s roundabout way of creating a slight rift between her and Evan. Jane’s mind, she reflected, though far from first rate, was constantly at work within a narrow range. She never lost sight of her goal. And though the tug of Jane’s influence was slight, it was steady, relentless, and unwearying as a force of nature. Hila did not fear Jane but dreaded the contemplation of this dull and dogged nature. Jane gnawed.
“He wanted a job,” Hila answered quietly, “and he got it. I have nothing to say to him.”
“Well, you could,” Jane said quickly. “He needs to be reminded of what leaving the church means for him. He would listen to you.”
Gnaw, gnaw.
Hila glanced up. “Smiles everyone, and speak of the devil. Here he is at the gate.”
Todd came striding up to them in his usual denim, wearing a large, silvery Harley Davidson belt buckle and a confident grin. “Talking about me? You’re probably worried that I’m not hanging in there with the Lord, especially since I got a permanent job now.” He was looking right at Hila. “Maybe some of you thought I was just fakin’ it at that altar call and that I’d fade away?” He grinned bigger. “Well, here I am. Did you miss me on Sunday? I was visitin’ a friend out of town and went to church with him and his family.”
Only Evan seemed ready to say anything. “Sorry you missed the pizza, Todd, but there might be a few pieces left. You can microwave them in the kitchen.”
“I surely will, thank you.”
“I’ll show you how to work the buttons,” Evan said and went with him.
Kathy started a conversation with Arnie. When Hila got up to cross the yard to another group, she found Jane at her elbow.
“I want to see you, please,” Jane said, “after the Bible study. There’s things we need to talk about.”
The pizza order meant there was less than usual to clean up after the meal and Bible study were over. Then while most of the group began to watch a video of a Bill Murray comedy in Evan’s living room, Hila allowed herself to be led onto the back porch by Jane. The little woman’s shadowed face was turned up to Hila’s as she began talking. So dull, so sincere. Hila felt as if she had been enduring Jane’s dull sincerity for years rather than a few weeks. She wanted to tickle her, clobber her, anything to break her out of her rut.
“There are times when a friend just has to say something,” Jane began. “I can’t watch you slip
like this and just stand by.”
Hila had hoped this would be brief, but such an opening guaranteed otherwise. Of course, she could simply turn on her heel and go back inside, avoiding a gnawing session. Ordinarily she might have, but Jane might have some suspicions about the secret mailings. If she did, Hila had best stay put and listen.
“Slip?” she said, as she knew Jane wanted her to.
“Yes. Maybe you don’t see it. You’re going down, and other people see it. Nobody wants to talk to you about it, not even Evan.”
Group laughter exploded from inside the house. Hila waited until it died down. “Have you talked to Evan?” she asked.
“No,” said Jane with no hint of embarrassment. “That wouldn’t be right. Christian sisters need to discuss these things on their own. I can’t stand to see you go on like this anymore. Do you know what I mean? I just have this burden for you.”
Hila knew that this meant, to Jane, that the Holy Spirit had assigned her to pray for and minister to Hila. She replied cunningly. “I don’t want people to notice we’re out here and come looking for us. Can you tell me about the burden in a general way, I mean without too much time passing?”
“This can’t be hurried through,” Jane said.
“Well, try,” Hila snapped, and at once the atmosphere changed.
“I know you’re resisting this,” said Jane. “Would you mind? Could we pray together first?”
Hila took a deep breath. “No, let’s close in prayer if it’s that all-fired important. Just get on with it.”
“OK, Hila, here it is. You’re not yourself. I mean not even your appearance. This barefoot thing, that’s not like you; and there’s a stain on your shirt.” Hila glanced down but, of course, could see nothing in the darkness. “And maybe I shouldn’t say this, but your hair, it looks dirty.”
Hila’s hair was dirty. She had been depressed lately because of the River Grovers’ continued support of Ollie, and it had affected her hygienic habits. She wondered what Jane would say if she told her that she had not had a shower in three days.
“And you’re quieter than usual,” Jane said. “Kind of remote—even cold. It’s like you have this emptiness inside and you don’t know how to fill it. I think that’s why you went after Evan the way you did when you had just gotten in town. You don’t care about him, you just wanted someone, someone to—to try to fill that void with. This has probably been coming on for a long time. Maybe you were like this back in Indianapolis, I don’t know. When was the last time you prayed and really felt God’s presence?”
Hila did not answer the question. “Is that it?”
“Well, and then there’s what happened this evening with Kathy. You saw she’s my friend and so you had to try to steal her away from me. No, now stop that!” Hila had laughed. “What else can you call it?”
“You call it whatever you want,” Hila said roughly.
“It’s obvious that you’re far from God. I look at you sitting in church and you’re not there. Hila, please, if there’s something going on in your life, tell me. There are people who would like to help you. It doesn’t matter what it is.”
“Uh, wait a minute.” Something had struck Hila. “This isn’t a replay of what happened to little Elly Montcrief, is it? I mean, do you think I’m into drugs or Satanism or something?”
“Are you?” Jane asked intensely.
“Oh, Jane, don’t you ever learn? Pastor Steve said Elly was OK, remember?”
“No, he didn’t say that.”
“He said it to me.”
“Well, not to me.”
There was an interlude. Hila stepped to the rail and looked up at the moon. Her feet were cold. “Are we about done here?”
“I know some things that I can’t explain, except that it’s from the Lord. Hila, I sense that you got into something while you were in Indianapolis. I know that you’ve come back a different person and—”
“You officious idiot!” Hila went around her and opened the screen door. “That’s o-f-f-i-c-i-o-u-s,” she said, spelling it. Look it up.” She closed the door silently behind her.
It had not been all that long. Hila rejoined the movie watchers with no comment from anyone and sat by Evan on the carpet. The others laughed as, on the screen, Bill Murray rode a bus with his pet goldfish, but Hila did not laugh. Eventually, Jane came in too. Hila did not want to even look at her pious little face. Gnaw, gnaw.
When the movie was over the singles drifted out to their cars, still talking and laughing. Evan was busy saying goodby to Arnie, who would spend the night at their parents’ house in town before going home to Bloomington. Standing, as she thought, by herself on the lawn, Hila found Todd Mankewisz beside her.
He smiled. “Hey, we’re a couple of phonies, aren’t we?” he said familiarly.
She did not like to answer this, so she said, “I was surprised to see you here tonight.”
“Were you? I ain’t coming back. I come to see you, girl. We understand each other, me and you. You know I’m a fake, and I know you’re a fake. You come back here from Indy and got this easy little job and put on to be this sweet, pure Christian girl. Yeah, you con your parents, score points with a guy like Evan. Not a bad little set up. Maybe you’ll marry him and not have to work.” He stepped closer. “And you know you’re making me crazy, don’t you? There’s something about a chilly woman—and you’re like an ice princess. You’re so damned arrogant you ought to be a movie star. I don’t know why these hymn singers,” he gestured toward the other singles, “don’t see right through you like I do. You’ve got it girl, you’ve got it. You look out for yourself; you snub them all; keep ’em at a distance; even Evan, I see it. You’ve got ’em all eating out of your hand, and you’ve got ’em all fooled.”
He lowered his voice still more. “But that’s why you don’t belong with Evan. He’s a friggin’ Eagle Scout, and you’re a bad lady. You must’ve thought about what we could do for each other. Hey, God didn’t give you a body like that for nothin’.”
Hila had heard all this half turned from him and with lowered eyes. She turned to face him. “If all that were true, I still would do better to spend my time with a good man, who might turn me from my arrogant ways, and not someone who would confirm me in them.”
Todd absorbed that. “You think so, huh?”
She walked away and stood near Evan and Arnie.
That night Hila prowled Cora’s dark house, crossing unswept rugs and tapping her fingertips on undusted furniture. Passing through Cora’s study room, she accidentally kicked something across the floor. She turned on the light and discovered that it was an unshelved book. She looked at it. It was the John of the Cross volume that Crystal had pulled out. She carried it with her and prowled on.
This waiting for the congregational vote was hard. She might have a pleasant surprise, she might find that she had succeeded; but she thought not. In the meantime, Jane Burson would spread ugly rumors about her. Thank God that Jane as yet had not linked her with the mailings. But Jane did not concern herself about things like that; her focus was more narrow.
Passing through the kitchen again, she whapped at a chair back with the thick book. Jane Burson! Here was someone who in normal circumstances she might have laughed off. A moronic mouse. Beneath contempt. But in Hila’s present role she must play the River Grove game, worry about her reputation, keep secrets. Jane had noticed that she was troubled, and what would her notice lead to? Questions from others? Her unmasking as the mystery mailer?
Hila went up the stairs, repeatedly slapping the book lightly against the rail, and entered her bedroom. She switched on the bedlamp. Really she ought to go back to live in Indianapolis. But she felt that she might yet have something to say at the congregational meeting, and for that purpose any weight she carried with the River Grovers depended on her being a regular member of the church, not someone dropping in from a
nother city. She wanted to see this through.
She sat on the side of the bed and looked into the book, flipping here and there. Some passages were underlined in Cora’s ruler-edged blue ink. Hila read one of them.
Some there are who call the Bridegroom their Beloved, but He is not really beloved, because their heart is not wholly with Him. Their prayers are, therefore, not so effectual before God, and they shall not obtain their petitions until, persevering in prayer, they fix their minds more constantly upon God and their hearts more wholly in loving affection upon Him, for nothing can be obtained from God but by love.
Feeling suddenly dizzy, Hila lowered the book to her lap. Like a woman in a desert, she looked again at the last words. Love! Her times of prayer had been fewer lately and dryer. It was not a time to pray, she had felt, but to wait. Wait and see. God would have to do it Himself, take care of His own interests Himself. Did He want Ollie Fulborne in power?
...they shall not obtain their petitions…
Hila closed the book. She felt as if a beeper were going off in her heart—a low tremble. Suddenly, Todd’s words were in her ears again: bad lady, snub them all, so damned arrogant. Almost crying, she jumped up, ran downstairs, and shoved the book back in the bookcase. Then she slowly returned to the second floor, went into the bathroom, and turned on the water in the shower.
