“C’mon baby.” He reaches for her again, but she moves across the room away from him.
“My parents are right outside! The other night, you and I—that was just a huge mistake,” Quinn stutters through her words. “Trust me, it will never happen again. Ever.”
She’s shaking. My instinct is to go to her and hold her. But I’m still frozen.
“It wasn’t so bad, was it?” Mark says. “Admit it, you didn’t look like you were having a bad time.”
“Screwing with my life may be hysterical for you, but I’m in love with Ben. You seriously need to stay away from me.”
Mark continues to laugh casually. He grabs a beer and walks out through the open sliding glass door. Quinn is left standing there alone. She looks unsteady, like she may cry, or hyperventilate, or even pass out. She props her body against the counter to seemingly hold herself up, while breathing sharply, trying to catch her breath. Water drips from her thick hair and pools on the tile around her feet.
And then, just as her features start to relax, her shoulders drop and she heaves herself off of the counter, she looks up– and sees me standing there.
My eyes feel like they have just been dilated. I can’t see anything as I make my way to my car. My vision is blurred with shock, and burning with anger. I can hear her calling me, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Quinn
Fuck! Shit! Bloody Hell! Ben wasn’t supposed to see that. Or hear that. He wasn’t supposed to know. He wasn’t supposed to have that red, shocked look on his face. He wasn’t supposed to be standing there looking like the wind just got knocked out of him. Fuck!
When Ben sees that I notice him standing there, he quickly turns and hauls ass away from me. I call after him, I know he can hear me, but he just keeps moving.
“Ben, please stop,” I yell after him. He fumbles with his keys at his car door. I know that I literally have only got a second before he drives off and never looks back. “Please.”
“For what?” He turns to look at me; his face is wild with rage. His features are transformed and distorted into something I don’t recognize.
“Were you even going to tell me?” he yells.
No.
I can’t answer that, he already knows the answer, anyway. He finally finds the right key in his shaking hand and unlocks the car door.
“Wait,” I beg. “Please don’t leave.”
He stares up at the sky. At nothing. At everything. Finally, he hesitates. Ben exhales and drops his eyes to meet mine. It is painful to look at him like this. His mouth is pursed into a cruel smile, his eyebrows arched up his forehead.
“Did you fuck him?” he asks.
I’m taken aback by his tone and his choice of words. Even though both are justified, it’s still shocking to hear him talk to me like this.
“You did, didn’t you?” he says.
Tell me you want me to lie to you.
I want him to beg me not to answer that, but I know he won’t. I give the smallest of nods. There is no point in trying to deny it. He deserves to know what a piece of shit I am.
He laughs, not a genuine, hearty laugh. A laugh that says I’m laughing because that is all I can do not to cry. I’m laughing so that I don’t fall on the ground right here.
“So, you found someone else to be your crutch, is that it?” he asks.
“That’s not what you are to me. It’s not like that; I’m such an idiot…”
“Yeah, you are. How could you do this? I’m fucking in love with you, and…” He lets his voice trail off. His words sting and suffocate me like I’m trapped inside a beehive with a thousand angry bees. “So, the fact that you had a boyfriend didn’t bother you, and the age difference obviously didn’t either. Jesus, Quinn, it’s just…it’s sick…”
I flinch. “We were never…” I stare at my perfect Java Mauve-A polished nails rather than look at him. I want to rip them off one by one. Maybe the lack of fingernails would dull the pain in my heart right now. “You and I, we were never like, officially together, though.” I say it, but I know it’s not true.
There’s nothing I want nothing more than to be his girlfriend. Even though I know this, it’s the only defense I can come up. My insides feel like they are crumbling like a towering JENGA game. I lose.
I see it. I literally see him break. It’s in his eyes. The look of him deflating right in front of me shoots a deep pain straight through me.
He nods once. “Good to know.”
And then, he’s gone.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ben
You know what feels really fucking awesome? Loving someone so much that it’s all consuming. Telling that person you love them, even though they refuse to say it back. And then finally hearing them say that they do love you, but to someone else. To someone they have slept with. Someone that isn’t you. I want to forget I heard those three words. I want to dissolve the images I have in my head of her with him. I think I’m going to throw up.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Quinn
I want to crack open my head and take out all of the mush. All of the nonsense that clogs everyday. All of the crap I bring on myself. I want to forget that my dad is having an affair. I want to deny my mom is a nut job. I want to forget that I ever met Mark, that I ever touched him or let him touch me. I want to forget that I totally fucked up the best thing I had ever had in my life. I feel the urge to vomit coming on.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ben
There are few things I can think of that are worse than letting my mom know what happened between Quinn and me. I swear to god if I have to hear, ‘I told you so’, I will officially lose my shit. I have managed to stay in my room and not go and track Mark down and beat the ever living shit out of him thus far, but getting into it with my mom will almost certainly push me over the edge. Hearing I told you so, won’t help get this fist out of my gut. I feel like I haven’t been able to taken a full breath since Sunday.
I didn’t see Quinn at school at all this week. She’s never been overly concerned about her attendance record, so she may not have even been there. I’m actually relieved for once that I have a ton of homework this week so I can spend my lunch in the library. Not that I’m able to concentrate on Trigonometric Identities when every time I have a minute to myself, all I can think about is him inside of her.
I’m walking to the school parking lot, almost successfully escaping for the day when I hear Grant.
“Hey man, wait up,” he calls after me.
I slow down my pace, although I don’t really want to.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Didn’t see you around today,” he says.
“Yeah, I just had some stuff to take care of.”
“You have anything going on right now?”
“Uh, no. Wait, did Quinn or Sydney put you up to this?” I ask.
Grant shakes his head. “No, man, just wanted to see if you wanted to chill and maybe play a little guitar. Syd is training today, she’s got some big meet coming up.”
“Sorry bro, I didn’t mean anything, I just…” I just want to continue to feel sorry for myself, like I’m the first guy to ever have his heart broken.
“Come on, whatever is bothering you, it’s nothing a little Call of Duty can’t take care of.”
Sure it will.
“Ha, I told you you were going down, punk-ass bitch,” Grant says, flinging the Xbox controller and getting up from the sofa. “Yo, man, you want something to drink or anything?”
I shake my head. I know he’s trying to help, but getting involved in a bromance with Grant isn’t going to make the thoughts of Quinn and Mark evaporate.
His phone rings and when he answers it with a “hey baby,” I cringe. I don’t know if I can stomach anymore. Nothing like being subjected to the self described soul mates conversations to cure a broken heart. If I was like most guys my age, I could just go out and find a fresh piece of ass to make
me feel better. Of course, if I was most guys, I never would’ve turned Quinn down in the first place. Maybe I deserved what I got; somehow, the normal situation feels reversed in this case. As much as I’m hurting, maybe I was too hard on Quinn.
“No babe, I’ll take care of it for you…okay…I love you.” He hangs up the phone and I pull my car keys out of my pocket. “Sorry about that, Sydney just needs my help with something.”
Of course she does, because she needs you. And you need her. And you have each other.
“That’s cool. Listen, I think I’m going to take off,” I say.
“Yeah, hey before you go,” he says “I don’t mean to sound like a noob, but it’s pretty freaking clear something is up with you and Quinn so if you need to talk to someone, I’m all ears, brother.”
You want to hate guys like Grant, because he’s everything you wish you were. He’s rich, and smart and so hot that if I don’t get over Quinn, and he and Sydney don’t work out-I just might hit it. Just kidding. So when he offers to hear me out, I know that he’s genuine.
“Thanks man, we’re just going through some stuff.”
“Been there,” he says.
“I doubt it.”
“Really, Syd and I don’t have a perfect thing going. No matter what Quinn has told you.”
“Has she ever cheated on you?
“Sydney? Oh hell no, she’d never,” he says. That response is exactly why I didn’t want to talk to him about it. He cringes sympathetically, and tries to backpedal. “But when I met her, Syd was already involved with someone else.”
“Really?” For some reason, I can’t picture Sydney with anyone other than Grant.
“Yeah, Quinn didn’t tell you any of this?” He looks surprised, and a little uncomfortable. “I didn’t set out to like, steal her away from the guy.”
I nod, I believe that.
“The dude was a total prick, he really hurt her.”
I notice he is tapping his fist against his desk while he talks about Sydney’s ex.
“I mean, physically hurt her,” he says. Like an idiot, I finally catch on.
“I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to get you on a bad subject,” I say.
“No, it’s fine. It’s just that, I didn’t even have her before I was in love with her. She was with someone else, and all I could do was watch her suffer. I hated that I couldn’t be there for her.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“So what happened with you and Quinn?” he asks.
“She cheated on me.”
His eyebrows dart up and he purses his lips. “Ouch, sorry bro.”
“Yeah, it pretty much fucking sucks.”
“So, that’s it? Did you break up with her?”
“Not exactly. I haven’t seen her since I found out.”
“You should talk to her, man. People get past that stuff every day.”
I crack my knuckles. In what alternate universe did shooting Nazis turn into Dr. Phil? I feel like such a douche talking about this, but what else am I supposed to do?
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Do you love her, bro?”
“More than I want to,” I admit.
“You love her? You fight for her.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Quinn
I’ve never cheated on anyone before. Well, before now. But I have been cheated on. My first real boyfriend, Kyle, was cheating on me the entire time we were together with my arch-enemy, Shayna Gillan. I knew it was going on, but I never said anything to anyone. I’d rather just tolerate it than be openly humiliated. I never said a word to him, even after we broke up. I didn’t tell Tessa, or even Sydney. He was older– a senior, and at the time, I was just a lowly sophomore. The night of his senior prom, we snuck off to some a guest room at one of his friend’s houses. I was convinced that if I just gave up the V-Card, he’d only want me. How pathetically After School Special is that? It didn’t work. He broke up with me two weeks later.
The second guy I slept with was Heath Trotter. Conveniently for me, he was also Shayna Gillan’s boyfriend. What can I say, Karma, she is a bitch. I saw him at a party one night and I just couldn’t resist getting Shayna back. His parents were out of town, so I went home with him. Afterward, he tried to keep something with me going, which was obviously not going to happen. I know that makes me look bad, but being as I can’t look much worse right about now, I don’t give a shit.
The third was Daniel Ihategerms. I’m surprised he was able to go through with it, being that my sneezing near him freaked him out; I can’t imagine the horror over the exchange of bodily fluids that he must have felt. Strangely enough, it wasn’t half bad. His parents were never around, so it made it easy to sneak out and stay there overnight before sneaking back into my house in the morning. Having sex with Daniel was fun and exhilarating and I liked it. It wasn’t like being with Kyle and Heath, Daniel let me be selfish, which apparently, I’m really good at.
And then there is Mark.
I think I’m starting to understand those fruitcakes who want to believe that they can become born again virgins. The reality of being permanently stuck living down your mistakes just sucks.
“Here’s my tuition,” I say to Sam. I have been carrying around the check for days, in my attempt to avoid, well, everyone.
“Surprised to see you here on a Friday night,” he says. “You gonna put in a workout while you’re here?”
“Nope, not tonight.”
From his expression, I can tell he notices how ragged I look. The bags under my eyes have gone from a light gray, to full on raccoon attack, and I’ve lost track of how many days it’s been since I’ve showered.
“Everything good?” he asks.
“Yep, just tired.”
“You look it,” he says.
“Thanks a lot.”
“Hey Quinny, what are you doing here?” Sydney is bounding toward me, a ninety-eight pound ball of muscle and bliss. Her long blonde pony tail dances behind her, and her grin reaches all the way to her eyes. “I haven’t seen you the last few days!” She wipes the tiny beads of sweat that have collected on her forehead and catches her breath.
“I know, I’ve been sick,” I lie.
My mom has been more than a little irritated that I’ve stayed home all week. It totally screws with her busy afternoon of naps and The Young and the Restless to know that someone else is in the house. I remember in elementary school, I could be throwing up as I walked to the car in the morning, and she would be yelling at me to stop “faking” and get to school.
“Sorry to hear that,” she says, perpetually polite. I try to smile at her, but I can’t extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won’t move. Sam finally walks away, leaving us alone. Sydney looks at me, sizing me up.
“Well, I was just dropping off a check, so I’m gonna take off.” I try to break away so I can go back to my cocoon at home.
“Oh, hey, while you’re here. I don’t mean to be a pain, but is there any chance you might be able to take me home?”
“Uh.” No, I don’t want to be around people, “Where’s your car?”
“I think it may have seen its last days.” Syd frowns when she says it. Not just because her car isn’t running, trust me, Sydney’s pop’s can afford to buy her a new one. It’s because it was her mother’s car before she was killed, and Syd has refused to drive anything else.
“If you can’t, it’s not a problem, I can call Dad. Grant was going to come and get me, but he’s with…” She shifts her gaze to the gym mat.
“Huh? He’s with who?” I can’t imagine Grant having any dark secrets, or him being up to anything shady that she doesn’t want to tell me about. He is pretty much the most stand-up guy I’ve met in my life.
“So, then, you didn’t know? He’s with Ben.”
That is the first time I have heard his name out loud in almost a week. My face immediately gets hot and the air rushes out of me like a deflating balloon.
“
Uh…why?” I can’t feel my lips. Or my feet. Come to think of it, I can’t feel much of anything aside from the pounding in my head.
“They’re just hanging out I guess.”
“Uh…why?” Am I on repeat?
“I don’t know, just playing video games and all that junk I’m not into. Quinn, is something wrong?” Sydney narrows her eyes at me.
“I wish to God people would stop asking me that!” I yell. She flinches at my tone and I immediately feel bad.
“Ok, sorry.” Sydney repositions her gym bag on her shoulder and gives me a faint smile.
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” I say.
“Are you sure?” She looks nervous now that I have snapped at her. The bounce is totally gone from her pony.
“Of course Sydney, you’re my best friend. Let’s just go.”
“So, what are you up to tonight?” I ask her once we are in the safe confines of my car.
“Not much. Grant is probably going to come over later on, but I’ve got to get up early for gym. Nationals are coming up in a couple of months, you know?”
I nod. The windows are fogged over from the thick humidity and I can’t see a damn thing. I crank on the defroster full blast, but turn it to the cold setting, trying to cool my burning face.
“What about you? You have any plans?” Before I can answer, she reaches for the temperature control. “Geez, Quinn, it’s freezing in here.”
I swat her hand away, “It’s the defroster, bitch.” It flies out of my mouth before I can think about stopping it. She slumps against the passenger door looking injured like I’ve just physically attacked her.
“I’m sorry,” she says looking at her hands. Sydney is always apologizing, even for things she has no business apologizing for.
“Syd, look.” Her eyes are already welling up. Could I be a bigger monster? “I didn’t mean that. I’m just having a bad week.”
“Ok.”
“Seriously, I’m super sorry.”
Grounding Quinn Page 9
