by Abby Ayles
Stephen frowned as those words sunk in.
“What?”
He looked up at Thomas then, but his butler was not looking at him. Instead, he had his eyes set on something in the near distance.
Stephen’s head was already turning to see what it was before he made the conscious decision to do so. His jaw fell open as his eyes beheld the sight.
Thomas had not been looking at something, he had been looking at someone.
Astonished, Stephen rose to his feet, turning fully so he could face her. It had to be a dream, for he could not trust his eyes.
It cannot be!
Yet, there she was, staring at him, her beautiful eyes filled with emotions he hardly dared believe. Finally, he found his voice, and only one word fell from his lips.
“Judith.”
Chapter 31
They could not have arrived at Dunham soon enough for Judith. Mr. Hanks had looked at her as though he thought her mad when she had remained adamant on turning around.
She could not fault him. If she did not understand her reasons for insisting, she would have thought herself mad as well.
How could she not return? After learning all that she had at the inn? How could she leave the only man she had ever loved and hope to go on with her life as though he never existed?
She simply could not.
As the carriage rolled down the roads of England, she had continued to count the minutes until she would see him again. She had scarcely kept still.
When they had finally come upon those familiar giant gates, her heart had threatened to burst from happiness.
As soon as the carriage came to stop in front of the mansion, she had gotten out, not waiting to be helped.
The servants had been surprised, though evidently joyous, to see her. As happy as she felt at seeing them, she had been even more eager to see him.
A few questions later, she had learned he was at the stream. Wasting no time, she had gotten on Enora and ridden hard after him.
When she stood only a few feet away, trying to catch her breath, her eyes locked with his. She knew without a doubt in her heart that she had been right to come back.
Mr. Beauregard cleared his throat then, murmured something to Stephen, who managed to nod, and began to walk towards her.
When he reached her, he stopped and smiled at her. He said no words, there was no need. Just a soft pat on her shoulder and he went on his way, leaving her alone with Stephen.
“Are you really here?” he asked, speaking again, “Or am I simply dreaming?”
His astonishment was palpable, and her heart went out to him. He looked as though he had suffered as much as she had. As if he had missed her, terribly.
She wanted to run into his arms and hold him in a tight embrace, but as that would be highly inappropriate, she fought to resist the overwhelming urge.
Deciding on a small smile instead, she said, “If you are dreaming, then I must be too. The last time I checked, I was not asleep. I was in a carriage, on my way to you.”
He shook his head, his disbelief still strong. “But… how… I… You should have been long gone by now.”
She nodded. “I was. As far away as Berfount. However, I happened to overhear a conversation over breakfast at the Seafarer Inn, where we had rested for the night.”
She began to go to him, taking slow, precise steps.
“After hearing it, so many things suddenly became clear.” She took another step. “Especially the reason you sent me away. The reason you refuse to speak about the dreadful incident. I knew I could not continue to Yorkland. I knew I had to return to you and demand an audience.”
As she finished speaking, she realized she had covered the distance between them, and they now stood no more than two feet apart.
She searched his eyes. Those beautiful dark eyes. Her entire being shook as she saw the intensity of emotions in them. Raw. Bare.
She had never seen them so naked, so honest, so … vulnerable.
It made her almost disintegrate, then come back together, even as her knees grew weak.
He swallowed hard.
“What did you overhear?” he asked, his voice breaking.
“If I told you, would you tell me everything? Would you trust me? Will there be no more secrets between us?”
He swallowed again. “I cannot make such promises.”
She nodded. “I thought as much. Nonetheless, I shall tell you. They said you are ill. That you suffer from … fits. And that you are not long for this world. Is this true?”
He did not need to answer. His reaction told her all that she needed to know. His eyes bulged and she saw fear in them before he quickly masked it.
“It is, is it not?” she asked again. She would not be fooled any longer.
He cleared his throat. “Judith, you should not pay heed to such idle gossip. I imagine there must be many tales surrounding me, some of them untrue.”
“This is not one of them, I wager. I know you are lying to protect me, and you sent me away to do the same, but here I am, back again. I am not leaving this time, Stephen. You might as well tell me everything now.”
He looked as if he might refuse her once again but, eventually, he sighed.
He took a step backwards and returned to the stone he had been sitting on when she arrived.
“How much more did you hear?”
“Nothing I did not already know,” she answered, her shoulder lifting in a shrug. “Apparently, your dinners have become popular, and so has the fair lady you often introduce as your guest. There are speculations that she could be your wife.”
Judith chuckled as she sat by his side.
“They suspect you remarried secretly, that she is the reason for your improved demeanor, and the better ambience in Dunham.”
His brow cocked, and she smiled even wider.
“Indeed. They are quite perceptive, I must say. They were not so far from the truth. Ah … how could I forget? They also said that you had been in involved in the accident that took your family, but somehow, you alone survived.”
She said the last part solemnly, her heart breaking for him.
Nothing was said for a very long moment. Judith held her peace, aware that it was not her place to break the silence.
Finally, he spoke, but only after drawing a long breath and releasing it in a ragged stream.
“I suppose I should have known the truth could not stay hidden forever. We tried to make certain the truth of my health never left the walls of Dunham, and for good reason. Yet it appears it already has … seemingly a long time ago.”
Judith said nothing. No words came to mind. She did not think any would suffice.
“Yes. I was in an accident that took my wife and unborn child. They died, but I lived. A part of me still believes it should have been the other way round. I should have been the one who died.”
The sincerity in those words shook her. She could not fault him for wishing death upon himself. Sometimes grief was too grave to bear.
“I was terribly injured. I had numerous broken bones. A few bruised organs. It took some time, but I eventually returned to full health, or so it appeared.”
He went on to tell her how he had awoken with no memories of the incident at first, and how he had remained that way until the day he finally remembered.
“That was when the seizures first began.”
Judith listened as he told her everything. How it made him suffer, how they had tried to find a cure to no avail. How he had learned to live with it. How he knew it would claim his life one day.
“It is always so terrible. Everything hurts. It feels as though I am being torn apart from the inside. My vision clouds, and when the shadows and darkness finally take me under, I remain there for long hours. Sometimes for days. I always knew it would kill me. It was only a matter of when. I thought it was fitting. I might not have died, but I was suffering even as I lived. I was suffering for being the one who was left behind. So, I spent my days in darkn
ess and despair, waiting for the day death would call my name. I always longed to answer…”
He turned to her then, holding her gaze. “Until you.”
It was not until he finished talking that Judith realized she was crying. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and her dress had become soaked with them.
“You are doing it again,” he said, with a sad smile on his face. “You are crying for me.”
The tears had been silent but, as she tried to talk, she began to sob.
“How could I not? You have been dealt such a terrible hand. Your tale is so sad, it breaks my heart. I cannot believe how much you have suffered. You do not deserve this! No one does!” she cried.
He made to dry her tears then, but she pulled away holding on to her chest as she cried even harder.
It hurt. It hurt too much to see anyone suffer so, especially the man she loved.
As she cried, she felt his arm come around her shoulders.
Nothing else was said. He simply sat by her side, holding her until she slowly recovered.
When she had calmed, he pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her.
“Thank you,” she muttered as she accepted it.
Slowly, she dried her face. When she was done, she folded the handkerchief and put it away.
He finally said, “Seeing you cry for me will always feel so strange and new, no matter how many times it happens. I have never seen anyone so sad on my behalf. It hurts me to see you this way, Judith. I never want to see you unhappy, especially not on my account.”
She sniffed as she raised her head to look at him.
“Is that why you would not tell me? Why you kept it secret?”
He seemed to think about it. “Well, it was not always so,” he eventually answered. “It is something I have always been ashamed of, so I have tried to keep it secret from everyone, apart from my physician and Thomas, that is. When you came into Dunham, it was supposed to remain so. However….”
He paused to inhale deeply. As he exhaled, he continued. “However, as I came to care for you, I decided I had even more reason to hide my illness. I could not bear you finding out.”
Awe washed over Judith as she heard those words.
“You care for me?” she asked, unable to believe her ears.
Stephen nodded. “Yes. Very much. I had thought it would be apparent enough. Do not tell me I succeeded in keeping it hidden?”
A soft chuckle broke free of her lips, and it relieved her of some of the ache in her heart, causing it to flutter.
“I would not say you did. In Aunt Tia’s words, it was as clear as day. I simply did not dare to hope, to believe, lest I was wrong.”
He pulled his arm from her shoulders to cradle her cheeks tenderly in his hands.
Searching her eyes, he asked, “Why? Why did you not let yourself hope?”
She held his gaze even as her heart thumped wildly in her chest. Her stomach trembled, and she dreaded saying the words on the tip of her tongue.
Just then, she heard Aunt Tia’s voice echo in her head.
Love is the most demanding of all. You must have courage, Judith! Have courage!
Chapter 32
Yes, Aunty. I must have courage.
Judith smiled then. It was the brightest smile she had worn in days.
“Because I care about you, too, and I feared that if I let myself believe the feelings were returned, I would end up being hurt. I could not bear the thought.”
It was his turn to be astonished. “You care about me too?”
She nodded without hesitation. “I do. Very much so.”
He cradled her face with both hands then.
“Judith… you… you cannot know what you are saying.”
“I certainly do. You cannot believe I came all the way back here for nothing. It is a whole day’s ride from Berfount, you know.”
He chuckled. It was such a beautiful sound; it warmed her insides.
“You can rest for a few days before you begin the journey again.”
“Journey where? Please do not bother to tell me you think I am ever going to leave you again. Not after all that I have learned.”
“But you must, Judith. Do you not see? I have nothing to offer you.”
“Is that why you sent me away? Because you believe that to be so? Well, let me be the judge of that.”
“I am a sick man, Judith. You are young still. I will not have you become a widow in your youth.”
“Well, I should have to be a wife first for that to happen now, would I not?” she immediately shot back.
Her retort took him aback, leaving him tongue-tied for a moment. She watched his face turn red. Seeing him flush so hard thrilled her no end.
It felt wonderful to have the tables turned for once.
“Why, do not tell me you have considered marrying me already, Your Grace.”
“How could I not?” he returned hotly. “How could I not when you have brought so much joy and light to my life? When you have filled my heart with so much love?”
It was Judith’s turn to be tongue-tied. She had not expected such a confession, not to mention one so passionately done.
“Stephen,” she whispered.
“Yes, Judith. It is true. I have thought of making you my wife. So many times, I could scarcely think of anything else. To be with you, grow old with you, it would be too wonderful a dream come true. Yet, it is a dream I could never let myself have, for I knew it can never happen.”
“Why? Because you are ill?”
“You deserve better than a man with a terrible past and failing health.”
“You seem to forget that I am capable of making my own choices, Stephen. Why do you insist on making this one for me?”
“Because you do not…”
She silenced him with a finger to his lips. “I don’t want to hear it. No more. You have made enough decisions for the both of us. It is time to let me make some.”
She paused to drag in a deep breath. As she exhaled, she continued.
“Stephen Dunham, if you would ask me to be your wife, I would have you know that it is with great pleasure that I will marry you. In sickness and in health, for better for worse, to grow old together, and loving you still, even in death.”
“Judith…”
“Let me finish. I know you are afraid, and you wish to protect me. I know you believe this illness will claim your life someday. Well, I do not believe it. If it hasn’t claimed you in three years, I do not think it likely that it ever will.”
“We don’t know that. We cannot be cert…”
She stopped him short again. “We cannot be certain it will kill you, either. Even if it does, Stephen, I would rather cherish a few days with you than live a lifetime knowing that I never loved you, not the way I want to.”
His eyes filled with tears, making her wonder as he shook his head.
“You do not know what you ask for.”
“Oh, but I do … I very much do! You only need ask, Stephen, and my answer will be yes. You see, a wise woman once told me that to live without love is to not live at all. Tomorrow is not promised for either of us. I would rather live for today. For this moment, now.”
For a long moment, silence reigned. Tremors racked through her as she awaited his response, but she tried to hide it.
She had taken a leap of faith. Her moment of decision had come, and she had found courage. Nevertheless, she feared if he rejected her again, she would lose that bravery.
She had worn her heart on her sleeve. There was nothing more she could do.
The longer she waited, the more her heart began to fragment. Finally, she decided to take her words back, rising up to leave him.
That was when he broke the spell.
“Your Aunt Tia was right. You two are alike in so many ways,” he said, a bright smile suddenly lighting his face.
“We are kindred spirits,” she replied, giving in to the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. Where he was concerned, she
was helpless.
“That you are indeed.” He paused to search her eyes again. “Oh Judith … how did I live all these years without you? How did I manage to fool myself into thinking I could send you away and continue to live as I was? I would sooner die from missing you than from this illness.”
He sunk to one knee then, and, as he did so, she gasped.