by Abby Ayles
“So, you see, it is not only grief that eats at me. Guilt too. I should have died in their stead, but fate was too cruel to hand me that kindness. I suffered for my sins, just not in the way I had hoped to. Now do you see why I let you into my home? Why I was afraid to my bones that very first time I heard you had ridden out to the fields? You understand why I insisted you would not leave until the weather had improved and the roads were truly safe? Why I could not step foot out of Dunham for three years ... I never rode. Not a horse or carriage. I could not bring myself to, until you came along.”
“Yes,” Judith said, finally speaking. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat, not liking how hoarse she sounded. It was the tears.
“Now I know why you chose to never speak of it. It is too heavy a burden to bear, for anyone.”
It was too terrible a tale, filled with such anguish. She was weak from hurting for him. He had suffered a great deal.
Stephen nodded. “Even though I knew all that had happened, telling the tale always felt like reliving it anew, and I scarcely could without suffering a fit.”
“It is not anything close, but I cannot help thinking of what happened with Mr. Giraud.”
“I know. They were both awful incidents. He died because you were too stubborn, and you have not been able to rid yourself of the guilt yet.”
“Yes. I do not know if I ever truly will.”
“Perhaps we are not meant to. Perhaps it is a burden we must carry in our hearts forever. A small penitence to pay for our misdeeds.”
Judith sighed. “I suppose you are right.”
She wiped her face then, sniffing.
She held his gaze as she spoke, wishing he would see the sincerity in hers. “Thank you for telling me, Stephen. Not another soul will hear it from my mouth, I promise you.”
“I do not doubt it. It is why I told you. You wanted to know everything. Now you do. Will you still marry a man who was so careless?”
She smiled. “Would you still marry a lady who was so stubborn? We all make mistakes. Ours were simply too grave, and we have learned. Quite unfortunate that we had to lose so much. We are no longer the people we were in those times. I cannot hold you ransom to your misgivings.”
He nodded. “Neither can I.” There was a moment of silence, and he lifted his hand to stroke her cheek.
“You cried again. Because of me.”
She shook her head, smiling. “No. You have experienced so much sorrow and pain, Stephen. From now on, let us only feel joy and love. No more hurting.”
Stephen said nothing for the longest moment. He simply stood, looking at her.
Finally, he nodded. “No more.”
It was a promise she was going to hold him to.
One she knew he would keep.
Chapter 34
After they returned to the inn that evening, they shared dinner and remained in the dining room talking into the night.
It was just after the clock struck twelve that Thomas suggested it would be good to get some rest in preparation for their journey the following day.
They both agreed and reluctantly parted ways, but only after Stephen saw her to the door of the room she would share with Amy.
The next morning came quickly enough and as dawn broke, they filled their bellies with a breakfast of bacon and eggs. The innkeeper was kind enough to pack them some bread and cheese for the road.
When they were all ready to leave, they got into the carriage and continued their journey. The ride was better, happier than that of the day before.
Stephen could easily tell that Judith was cheery. She spent a lot of time looking out the window, seemingly fascinated by the things she saw. When she was not doing that, she was smiling at him.
Ever since he had made the decision to marry her, he had been such a happy man. His heart was filled with warmth and peace.
Yes, there were times when the fear tried to steal away his joy, but he always managed to chase it away. He had lived in fear and darkness for too long. No more.
He had decided to embrace a new life with Judith. There was no turning back this time. It had taken him too long to get there.
Hence, he simply wished to continue to bask in the blessing that was Judith and her love.
These beautiful thoughts remained with him until they made another stop as the sun began to set. It was a small village in Southwell, only half a day’s ride from London, so they were certain to arrive on the morrow.
Being so close to their destination both thrilled and made him anxious.
No matter how much Judith had tried to assure him that her family would love and welcome him, he could not help worrying that they might not.
If they had heard of him and knew of his past and illness, they would want better for their child. Without their permission, the dreams he had finally dared let himself hold on to, were going to vanish in a finger’s snap.
Once again, Thomas and Amy declared they would help them settle in.
Grateful for this, Stephen decided to take a walk to help clear his mind and rid him of his apprehension.
He leaned into Judith and mumbled, “I am going to look around. I shall not be gone for long.”
“Oh? Very well,” she replied.
Giving a curt nod, he took off.
Alas, the further he went, the worse his anxiety grew. Soon, he began to feel a fit approaching. Fear seized him, almost rendering him unable to walk.
He did not want to suffer any more. He had given Judith all of him. She was the remedy, was she not? Why would he still suffer so if she were the key? Thomas had said o.
As he deteriorated, he searched for a place to hide, hoping it would be Thomas who would find him and that he would not be unconscious for too long.
The heavens must have answered his prayers because, just then, he found a large tree. In hurried steps, summoning as much strength as he had left, he crossed to it.
Believing he was shielded behind the huge trunk, he let himself fall to the ground, his limbs shaking.
His eyes began to droop, his vision clouding. That was when he heard it.
Her voice … calling out to him.
No, it cannot be!
He had left her behind. She could not have followed; she could not see him like this!
Yet, here she was.
Just then, he felt Judith’s arms come around him, and she pulled him onto her lap. He accepted that he could not be so delusional, he was surely imagining such things. But it was truly happening.
Her hands cradled his face ever softly. She started to stroke his hair with delicate fingers, tenderly. So tenderly that his heart ached.
The shadows began to fade away.
“Stay with me, Stephen. Stay with me. You are not alone now. I am with you … I shall always be with you.”
Her beautiful voice pierced through the haze, keeping him from going deeper than he had gone already, bringing him back.
“Judith?” he asked, his voice hoarse from the pain. Slowly, he tried to pry open his eyes.
She nodded. “Yes, my love. It is me. I am here. I am here. Do not leave me. I am here.” She was speaking in hushed whispers now. He could hear the worry and love in her voice.
He knew she was hurting because of him again. He had hoped she would never see him this way, wished the day would never come. He had been willing to do all in his power to make certain it never would, yet in that moment, he was glad she was with him.
Her presence was soothing, comforting.
His bones slowly stopped aching and as his eyes fully opened, he realized he was well again. The worst was over.
The shadows and darkness were entirely gone. So was his fear.
“Judith…” he said again.
She nodded, looking down at him as though he was the most precious thing to her.
“I am here,” he said, smiling. “And do not think I am going anywhere this time. How dare I when you have already commanded it? I do believe I am helpless to go against your
wishes, my fair lady.”
She chuckled, and he heard the raw relief in her laughter. It pleased him.
“That is good to know. How are you feeling now?”
“Like myself.”
She nodded again, the joy in her eyes evident. “Just what I wanted to hear. I am glad.”
Stephen realized he had been worried about nothing. The love between them was too strong. He would not let anything come between them, not his illness, not even her parents.
If they refused him, he would keep asking until they accepted. He was never letting her go.
He started to rise and, as he did so, he realized the improper position the had been in … and in such a public place, where anyone could see.
His face grew warm and he knew he must have turned red. He pushed away from her as he sat up completely, clearing his throat.
She must have understood for she smiled shyly then and looked away.
A moment passed before she spoke, breaking the silence.
“I followed because I was worried about you. I could tell you were troubled. I was going to remain at least ten paces away, keep watch, and make my presence known only if you needed me. Apparently, you did. When you began walking towards the tree, you started to limp. That was how I knew a fit was close.”
She paused, holding his gaze. “Is it always this bad?”
Stephen shook his head. “Worse. Much worse. I had it quite easy this time. I have never been pulled from a fit before. I have always succumbed and lain unconscious for some while. This is the first time that did not happen.”
He shook his head. “I never thought it possible. That I could ever start but not go all the way. I know I have you to thank for it. You see what you do to and for me, Judith. How could you ever believe yourself not special?”
He was indebted to her for all eternity. More and more, she continued to give him reason to live, to fight for his life, to hope.
Her response was another shy smile.
When she finally decided to speak, a shadow fell upon them just as she opened her mouth.
Stephen looked up to see an old woman approaching them. Judith followed his gaze until hers came to rest upon the new presence.
They remained where they were, not knowing whether to move or not. Finally, the old woman reached them.
“I saw,” she said as she came to a stop.
Stephen’s eyes widened. He didn’t have to ask what she saw; he knew. Immediately, he started to think of how he must make certain she did not speak a word of it.
As though she had read his thoughts, she shook her head.
“I’m not here to cause any trouble, I’m here to help. I have something that could help with the fits. I have a cottage just down the road. The medicine you need lies there.”
Stephen looked at Judith and unsaid words passed between them.
The woman seemed sincere enough. She was the first person to ever tell him there was a remedy, and she did not even know him. What could she hope to gain from lying?
Deciding to take a leap of faith, he spoke. “We shall accompany you.”
Her lips curved in a smile then. As she began to turn around, she said, “I’ll lead the way. We do not have much time until the skies go dark. We must hurry.”
He got to his feet first, holding out a hand to help Judith to her feet.
Together, they followed the old lady to her home.
Chapter 35
They reached the cottage about five minutes later. It was just as Stephen had imagined it would be, entirely wooden and located on the outskirts of the village.
It stood alone, surrounded by trees and grasses, with not another house in sight.
She ushered them in and, as they entered, they were instantly welcomed by the heat from the fireplace. Wood burned with bright flames, driving away the chill that held the promise of a wicked winter to come.
It had been warm the day before, but it was particularly cold that day, signaling the fast approach of the season’s change.
The cottage was small, charming even.
She had her bed, kitchen, and sitting room all in one space. The entire cottage was no more than the size of Stephen’s chamber.
Its size did not matter, he could see that she was proud to call it her home.
After she had taken off her coat and unwrapped the scarf from her neck, she started to speak again.
“My brother suffered from such fits for a long time. No physician we visited seemed to know the cause. They could not find a cure either. Blessedly, they were not as terrible as yours seem, but they were quite grave. I worried about him a great deal.”
She paused as she warmed her hands over the fire after taking off her gloves. Then, she went to the kitchen area and began to move pots and pans about.
“Eventually, we learned that the fits were often caused or aggravated by anxiety, at other times, pain. When I learned this, I thought, it would be lovely if I could make him a tea to calm his nerves. So, I began to try different herbs. Finally, after many months, I found the right ones.”
She had set a fire and was beginning to brew some kind of tea.
Neither Stephen nor Judith said a word. They simply watched and listened, intrigued.
“After a while, the fits became less frequent. Sometimes, when he felt them coming, I would quickly brew him some tea. He would drink and feel better quite quickly. I have since begun to treat others who suffer from such fits. Sometimes, they are brought to me. Sometimes, I go to them. And on days such as this one, I find them.”
She turned to Stephen and Judith then, still smiling.
When the moment passed, she turned around, poured the tea she had brewed into a cup and brought it to Stephen.
“Take a few sips, will you? Tell me how you feel afterwards.”
Stephen accepted the cup graciously. He glanced at Judith and she nodded, encouraging him to drink.
He did just that.
As the first sip went down his throat, washing over his insides, he began to feel soothed in ways he never had before. Its taste was wonderful, pleasant.
It was simply amazing.
He had been hopeful as the old lady talked, but doubtful. His physician had tried everything. How could mere tea be the answer?
Yet, it appeared to be just that.
He continued to sip and in no time, he had emptied the cup.
He felt a sense of calm that he had not a long time. It was as though his entire body had become languid and his mind knew no troubles.
Eyes wide, he looked at the old lady. “What sorcery is this?” he asked, the incredulity he felt evident in his voice.
She chuckled. “I see it has worked. Oh, it is not sorcery, dear sir. Not sorcery at all. It is simply medicine. I understand that you must be on your way; it is beginning to grow dark. I shall pack some herbs for you. I will also give you the recipe. Thankfully, they are herbs you can find anywhere.”
She got busy doing just that, and a short while later, she returned with a bag of ingredients and a folded note.
She gave them all to Judith, smiling graciously.
“He’ll do well to take the tea daily for now. You may add some honey if you so wish.”
“This is a lot. How much do I owe you, ma’am?”
She turned to Stephen. “Leah. You may call me Leah. You owe me nothing. Consider this a gift. I feel the need to do this for all who need it, just as I did for my dear brother.”
Stephen was overwhelmed by the magnitude of her kindness to a total stranger.
“No, I insist. I must repay your kindness somehow. You have no inkling of how much you have done for me.”
Her smile widened. “The only way I wish to be repaid is to have you take the medicine as you should and get better.”
He felt at a loss for words, but Judith came to his aid.
“He will. I will see to it that he does, you have our word. Thank you very much, Leah. We will never forget this kindness. When we pass this way again, we will
be certain to visit.”
“Ah … I should like that. Very much. Come now, you must be on your way before it gets too dark.”
With those words, she ushered them out of her cottage. The sun had set completely, and the skies were dimming.
Leah walked them a few feet from her cottage before announcing she would be turning back.
