“What else do you think about me?”
“I think it’s nice that your whole family works together at the shop.”
“It is. You know my brother, Tanner?”
“I’ve seen him around.” Everybody knew Tanner. The Brooks brothers looked nothing alike, but girls swooned in the same slutty manner over Tanner’s tall-dark-and-handsome appearance. Chase was the oldest of three siblings. He and Tanner were two years apart; their younger sister, Khloe, was four-years old – and clearly unplanned.
He took out his phone to show me the background wallpaper on his screen. “This is Khloe.”
Leaning over, I saw a picture of him and Khloe in a pool. She was exceptionally cute, smiling ear to ear in her two-piece striped bathing suit. She had his eyes that lit up when they smiled.
“She’s adorable. She looks a lot like you.”
“So, you’re saying you think I’m adorable?”
I rolled my eyes. “Not what I meant.”
“You know, one day you’re going to roll those beautiful brown eyes right out of your head.”
“And I’m sure it’ll be because I’m with you.”
He grinned proudly.
“Your parents seem so happy together. Like they’re still in love. It’s sweet.”
His expression changed as he picked up a sugar packet and began to fiddle with it in his hands. “Yeah. They’re great.”
I had clearly hit a touchy subject. I remained quiet when the food arrived, unsure of what I had said to upset him.
“How come you haven’t asked me why I’m back from California?” he asked, without looking up from his plate.
“I figured you would bring it up if you wanted to talk about it. It’s none of my business.”
“You would just sit there and wonder, and never ask?”
“I know what it’s like when people ask questions about personal things. If you want to share it with me, then you will.”
This was the first time I had seen him look less than his usual confident self. It was interesting to watch, like a magician about to reveal the secret to his trick. He ran his fingers through his hair, and continued to play with the sugar packet.
“I want to share it with you.”
“Okay.”
“Before I tell you, you have to promise that you won’t say anything about this to anyone.”
I groaned. “Are we going to pinky promise again?”
“Not even Shelly,” he pressed.
“You do know how best friends work, right?”
“I’m being serious, Merritt.”
“I’m sorry. Your sudden detour down Serious Lane caught me off guard.” I held my right hand up to make my vow. “I won’t tell a soul. Not even Shelly.”
He finally put down the sugar. “When I got to Cali, I bartended. It was the quickest way to make decent money. There were always people scouting the local bands that would play there. I handed my demos out to anyone that would take them.”
“Did you get any call backs?”
“The owner of the bar actually turned out to be friends with a talent agent. He said he knew of a band that was in need of a singer. We all met up, and we just clicked. We would practice at the bar on nights when I wasn’t working. We sounded really good.” His eyes sparkled as he reminisced about California life.
“It sounds like it was going really well.” I could not understand why he chose small town life working at the family auto repair garage over making his dreams come to fruition.
“I had to come home, though. It’s my dad.” He finally looked up at me. “He’s sick.”
I put down my burger. “Sick?”
“My mom called one night with the news. It’s cancer… colon cancer.”
My heart sank. “Oh, Chase. I’m… I’m so sorry.”
“I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t want to upset you.”
“Your dad has cancer, and you’re worried about upsetting me?”
“You just lost your dad. I didn’t want this to trigger you.”
I was quiet for a moment, letting it all sink in. “How bad is it?”
“The cancer hasn’t responded to the treatments. It’s not looking good. The doctor said he won’t make it past… he won’t make it to next summer.”
I wanted to reach across the table for his hand, but my hand remained in my lap, unable to move. “I think it was really selfless of you to leave everything behind and come back home to take care of everything. You’re a good son.”
Chase smiled a smile that I recognized all too well – the kind of expression people make when they are smiling through the pain. The mouth puts on a show, but the eyes give it all away. His usual spirited eyes looked so sad just then. That was the difference Shelly had noticed days before. It hit me that I was not the only one sitting there in pain.
He would need strength and support in order to endure the coming months with his father’s illness. It now made sense why he had a sudden interest in talking to me; he knew I had experienced loss and grief, and wanted advice from someone who experienced it firsthand. I was not too sure I was the right person for the job. I could barely get up most mornings, let alone provide strength and comfort for someone else; then again, maybe we could pull each other through it all, somehow.
“Now I get why you always change the subject. Think you could use your powers of diversion for me, too?”
“I can definitely do that.” I held out my pinky. “I need you to make me a promise, right here and now.”
He raised his pinky to mine, a curious expression on his face.
“You need to promise me that you won’t hold anything back, or keep anything from me, just because you think it might make me sad. I don’t need anyone to protect my feelings. I’m a big girl – I can take it.”
He locked his pinky around mine. “I promise.”
I squeezed his pinky before letting it go. “I mean it. If I find out you’re not telling me something, I’m going to be mad… and you won’t like me when I’m mad.”
“Will you turn big and green?”
“Maybe.”
“Do all of your clothes get shredded off, too?”
“Not the point. You should be very afraid.”
“Speaking of the Hulk, that new Marvel movie coming out next week looks good.”
“I haven’t seen the trailer.”
“How could you not have? Have you been living under a rock?”
“I’ve been kind of busy lately. You know, coma and all.”
“Oh. Right,” he said sheepishly. “Well, maybe we can go see the movie when it comes out.”
My first instinct was to say no, but I caught myself before I shook my head. Shelly would never be interested in a movie like that, and I did love superhero movies. “Sure.”
“Great.”
We chewed in silence. It seemed to be our thing. We would talk until we were quiet, and then we’d let the quiet be. We were content, without the need for typical conversation filler. When the waitress came by to drop the check off, Chase stopped her with cash already in his hand before she could even place the bill on the table.
“Wait!” I scrambled for my wallet so that I could give her my portion, but she had already walked away. “How much was it? Here, I have a ten. Is that enough?”
Chase was laughing when I looked up. “I got it. Let’s go.”
“No, no. You are taking my money. I don’t need you to pay for me.”
“Put your money away. Let’s go, or I’m leaving your handicapped ass here.”
I gave him my best scowl as I put my money back into my wallet and scooted out of the booth.
“That look was actually intimidating,” he teased as we entered the parking lot. “I felt a little scared there for a second.”
“Good. Remember that look.”
When we approached his car, he intercepted the door handle to open it for me.
“I do have another arm, you know,” I reminded him, waving my good arm around. �
�You don’t have to keep opening doors for me.”
“I’m not opening the door for you because your arm is in a sling. Has nobody ever done this for you before?”
I said nothing as I eased myself into the seat. I was not about to get into my past love life.
He reached in and fastened my seatbelt.
“This just makes me feel like a child,” I admitted.
He paused after he heard the click, his face inches from mine. “It’s ok to need help sometimes.”
“It just makes me feel pathetic, not being able to do stuff on my own.”
“You’re not pathetic at all. You don’t always have to do everything on your own. You have people you can lean on.”
“I know.”
“Not just Shelly. You have me, now. You can lean on me.”
I allowed myself to hold his gaze. Looking into his eyes was like watching a horror scene: even though you know you should look away, to save yourself the heartache, you can’t seem to peel your eyes from it no matter what you do. He seemed so sincere. I wanted to believe him – to trust him – but I knew better.
He closed my door and walked around to the driver’s side. My head fell back onto the headrest and I exhaled the breath I had been holding. I concentrated on the car in front of us as we made our way back to Shelly’s.
“So, I spoke to my mom about having you stay in our apartment. She said she wouldn’t charge you rent. Gas and electric would be covered, too.”
I turned in the seat to face him. “You asked your mom?!”
“Yeah. She was totally fine with it. She said the space was going to waste just sitting there, empty.”
“I already told you: I don’t have money for rent, and I am not living there without paying. I can’t believe you’d even ask her. She probably thinks I’m some loser moocher, or something!”
He laughed, which only fueled my fire. “She does not think you are a loser, or a moocher. She knows what you’re going through. She knew your dad, and said she would be honored to help his daughter in any way that she can.”
“Awesome. More pity offers. Now she’ll think I’m ungrateful if I don’t say yes. I can’t believe you!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were going to be mad about this. I’m just trying to help you out.”
“I don’t need your help, Chase. If I needed it, I’d ask for it.”
“See, I don’t think you would. That’s your problem. You don’t ask for help. You’d rather just struggle and suffer alone.”
“That’s my choice to make. Not yours.”
“You said you felt bad about staying in Shelly’s apartment. I found a space for you. What’s the big deal?”
“I can’t stay in your parents’ apartment for free!”
The car slowed to a stop as Chase put the car in park in front of the apartment.
“We’ve known each other our whole lives. My mom knows you’re going to take care of the place. She’s happy to do it.”
“We haven’t known each other at all… and you didn’t even ask me. You put me in such a weird position now.”
“I was just trying –“
“To help, I know. Everyone wants to help, but they can’t.” I pushed through the pain and managed to unfasten my own seatbelt. I left the car as quickly as I could, and up the stairs even quicker. Shelly was still at school, so I paced in the silence. My phone sounded, undoubtedly a text from Chase. I switched it to silent and tossed it onto the chair.
I recognized that my anger did not come solely from Chase, but I certainly threw it all at him. I was furious that I was even in this position to begin with – homeless – without a place to feel comfortable and to call my own. It was a painful reminder of the home I once had. I knew none of this was Chase’s fault, but it wasn’t mine either. That was what angered me most of all. I was mad at the world for the hand I was dealt. It wasn’t fair. I tried everything I could to make things better, but things only got worse. So what was the point in even trying?
Chapter Four: Prince Charming
“Help!” I screamed, as loud as I could in between coughs. The flames were surrounding me now, and it was almost impossible to breathe. I tried to cover my face with my hands, but only one of them lifted up. It felt like my other arm was crushed against something; I strained my eyes to see, but black smoke filled the car. I attempted to scream for help again, but inhaling just made me cough harder. It was unbearably hot. I was sweating so much it felt like I was melting. I wiped my forehead with my hand, and I realized it wasn’t sweat that was streaming down my face – it was blood. I was stuck, and there was no way out. I closed my eyes. Panic turned to terror as I let the truth sink in: I was going to die.
When I opened my eyes again, I was no longer in the smoke-filled car. I blinked a few times, trying to allow my brain to register where I was. It was dark. My chest felt damp under my tank top. I was sweating. I reached up to wipe my tear-stained cheeks. Finally, I was able to focus on neon green numbers on the cable box. I was in Shelly’s living room.
“Jesus, Merritt. That was worse than the last one.”
I jumped hearing Shelly’s voice right next to me.
I heard her sigh, but could not see the expression she was wearing on her face. “You had another nightmare. I heard you screaming like usual, but it was harder to wake you up this time.”
I relaxed back onto the recliner, trying to catch my breath. “I’m sorry. Go back to bed.”
“Was it the same, again?”
“Yep. Always is.”
“I really wish you would talk to someone. It might help.”
“Go back to bed. I’m sorry for waking you.”
She sighed again, and walked back down the hallway.
I glanced back at the cable box. Shelly had about three more hours until she had to be up for class. I felt beyond awful for waking her up each night, but I could not escape the terrors in my dreams. Every time I drifted off to sleep, the events from the night of my accident flashed through my mind like a scene from a movie: the streaming blood, the sound of glass shattering, and the smell of the fire engulfing me. Unlike reality, though, the person who pulled me out of my burning, mangled car that night never comes. So whenever I fall asleep, I end up being burned alive.
For the next few hours, I kept myself up reading one of Shelly’s love story novels. I secretly loved a good love story. I was a bitter sceptic trapped inside a hopeless romantic’s body – it was my curse. I knew it was ridiculous; there was no way these characters existed in real life. That’s why people wrote about them, after all. Love stories are like religion; people need something to believe in, something to cling to, even if they never actually find out whether it exists.
At eight, Shelly pranced past me into the kitchen. Her wet hair was wrapped in a towel as she poured a bowl of cereal and perched herself on top of the counter. “So…?”
“So, what?”
“So, how was lunch with Chase yesterday?”
“It was lunch.”
She dramatically slumped forward. “Merritt, please. I’m in a long-term relationship. I salivate at the thought of a first date with a guy. Work with me here!”
“It was not a date. It was lunch.”
“Just give me details!”
“Shit, okay.” I covered my ear. “Anything to stop the whining!”
She smiled triumphantly. “What was he wearing?”
“Dude, he was in work clothes. I told you, this wasn’t a date.”
“Does he get all covered in grease smudges at work? Does he wipe sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand?” She acted it out dramatically.
“Yes, come to think of it, there was an eighty’s montage, too. He ripped off his shirt and started dancing all about the garage. It was very Kevin Bacon.”
She shot me her usual disapproving look, but continued on. “What did you talk about?”
“We talked about music, about his family – that Khloe is so cute.”
“She is. The whole Brooks family just has an awesome gene pool.”
I nodded in agreement. “Then I called him out on all the girls he sleeps with.”
Her eyes widened. “Mer, you did not! What did you say?”
“I let him know that I was not interested in being one of his groupies. He claims he doesn’t have sex with them.”
“Well, if you’re not going to have sex with him, why does it matter who else does?”
“It doesn’t. Just own it if you’re doing it.”
“What did he say when you said you weren’t interested in him like that?”
“He laughed!”
“He probably didn’t know what to do with himself.” Shelly puffed out her chest and deepened her voice. “You’re not interested in me? But I’m Chase Brooks. Everyone is interested in me.”
I giggled. “It wasn’t like that. He’s actually not as full of himself as I thought.”
She raised her eyebrows. “So you had a good time with him?”
I shrugged. “It was okay.”
“I don’t know. Chase offering to be your personal chauffer, and taking you to lunch is still pretty major. I think he’s got a crush on you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Highly doubtful. I’m one cup size and several hundred brain cells shy of being his type.”
“I think it’s time you started dating.”
“And I think it’s time you took your meds.”
“You haven’t been out on a date in a really long time – that’s just not healthy!”
“I’m touched at your concern for my health.”
“You’ve been through a lot. Don’t you think it’s time to try to get back to normal? You can’t really enjoy life when you’re missing out on such a huge part of it.”
“Just drop it, okay?” I could not remember what normal even felt like anymore.
“I’m your best friend. I’m not allowed to drop it.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Just go on a date, have some fun. No big deal. You have to come out of your comfort zone once in a while.”
“But I like my comfort zone. It’s comfy here.”
“Just because your mom left you doesn’t mean you can’t trust anyone else ever again. Don’t let her win.”
“You know, everyone out there has daddy issues. Sure, they might have low self-esteem… maybe they become strippers… but they’re all walking around having pretty normal lives. When you have mommy issues, though, that shit runs deep. You must be pretty screwed up if your own mother can’t love you.”
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