“Chase, Look! Merry brought pizza!” Khloe yelled from the dining room.
In the doorway to the kitchen, Chase’s bloodshot eyes met with mine. I held my finger to my lips to prevent him from saying anything. I wanted to run to him, but Beverly needed to let it out, and I would not let go of her until she loosened her hold on me first. He surveyed the grocery bags scattered on the floor before making his way into the dining room.
After several minutes, Beverly released me and took a step back. She wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, and proceeded to put the remaining groceries away. I handed her a paper towel, and she quickly blew her nose.
“Let’s go have a bite to eat before we get started,” she quietly suggested.
I nodded. My stomach was in a giant knot as I approached the table in the dining room and took the chair next to Chase.
“Thanks for bringing all of this,” he muttered without looking at me.
“Are you having a slice?” I asked, motioning to his empty plate.
He shook his head. “Not hungry.”
“Chase, you haven’t eaten anything since dinner last night. You need to eat something,” Beverly said, trying to mask the worry in her voice.
“I’ll eat when I feel hungry.” He stood. Without saying another word, he walked out of the room.
I listened to his slow footsteps on the stairs, and the closing of his bedroom door. I tried to ignore the fact that Tanner, Khloe, and Beverly were all looking at me with the same expression.
“He’s just tired,” Beverly tried.
“This isn’t something he can just sleep off,” Tanner snapped. “Dad’s gone, and the sooner he comes to terms with that, the better off he’ll be.” He pushed his chair back from the table and took his plate into the living room.
“Chase doesn’t know that daddy died?” Khloe asked, looking confused.
“He does, baby. He’s just very sad about it.” Beverly ran her fingers through her hair. “Why don’t you go upstairs, Merritt? See if he’ll talk to you. Maybe you can get him to eat something.”
I nodded. “I’ll try. We can get the phone calls started when I come back down.”
She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Thank you, Merritt.”
“Can I come with you?” Khloe asked, jumping up from her seat when I stood.
“Let her go alone. Why don’t we go ask Tanner to put a movie on?”
“I hope we can watch Moana!” Khloe took her mother’s hand as she led her into the living room. “Daddy loved watching Moana.”
My heart wrenched with every reminder Khloe made. Upstairs, I stood outside Chase’s bedroom door, hesitant to knock. I took a deep breath. “Chase, it’s me. Can I come in?”
“Doors open.” His voice was muffled.
I closed the door behind me as I entered the darkened room. I stepped over the minefield of tissues, making my way to his bed. I slipped under the covers next to him, and wrapped my arm around his midsection, planting small kisses along the back of his neck. His body remained still.
“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”
“Good,” he mumbled. “I have nothing to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. I just want to lie here with you.”
He exhaled, and I felt his body finally relax. His breathing soon became steady. I laid there, nuzzled against his broad back, trying to pour all of my strength into him while he slept. After some time had passed, I backed out of the bed. Quietly, I picked up all of the tissues that were strewn about the floor, and tiptoed into the hallway.
Tanner appeared at the top of the stairs, on his way to his own bedroom. He looked down at the pile of used tissues in my arms.
“Gross.”
I rolled my eyes. “Your mother doesn’t need to hear your shit, and neither does Khloe. So you two need to man up, quick.” I pushed past him to get to the bathroom and dumped the tissues into the garbage before heading downstairs. I didn’t look back to see his reaction.
Beverly was sitting at the dining room table, an opened address book in front of her. She stared at it, with her hands in her lap.
I sat down beside her. “Where’s Khloe?”
“She fell asleep watching Moana. I’m trying to get up the nerve to make the first call.”
I placed my hand on her shoulder. “I know how hard it is to say the words. I promise it gets easier as you go.”
“I don’t know how you did this all by yourself.”
“I did everything by myself growing up. It was normal for me.”
She turned to face me. “I don’t ever want you to feel alone again. You are a part of our family, and we will always be here for you.”
I smiled. “The same goes for you, too. I’m always here whenever you guys need me.”
“I guess I need to get started.” She flipped through the pages aimlessly. “I don’t know who to call first.”
“Start with the people closest to you. Tim’s parents, your parents, or any brothers or sisters he might have.”
“That’s easy. Both of our parents passed away a long time ago, and we don’t have any siblings. It was really just the five of us for so long.”
Tears welled up in her eyes as she accepted the fact that their family was no longer a party of five.
“That’s okay. You guys will be the fearless foursome, now.”
She smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I like that.”
“But you make us five, again.” Tanner sat down across from us at the table. “So, who are we calling?”
I smiled at him, thankful that he was able to put everything aside to help his mother.
“Well, I guess I should start with Steve and Howard. Then the Danielsons, next door.”
“Can I ask what Tim’s wishes were, for the funeral service?”
“He wanted to be cremated,” Tanner replied quietly.
“We will have a wake with the viewing. We felt like it would be best for Khloe to see him one last time.”
I nodded in agreement. “And then the cremation. You’ll be keeping his ashes?”
They both nodded.
“Why don’t you start there? This way, when you call people, you have the dates and times ready for them.”
“Good idea,” Beverly said. Her hand shook as she picked up her phone to dial.
Tanner and I began making a list of people to call. While Beverly was on the phone, Khloe stumbled out of the living room.
“Merry, you’re still here.” She crawled into my lap.
“How was Moana?” I kissed her head as I wrapped my arms around her tiny body.
“I felt sad watching it without daddy.”
“Me, too,” Tanner agreed.
“That will happen sometimes,” I said, rocking her gently in my arms. “You will remember all of the fun times you had together, and that can make you sad because you miss him. It’s okay to feel sad and miss him.”
“Do you know what I do when I get sad?” she asked. “I imagine him having fun with your dad in Heaven. I think he’s having a good time up there.”
Tanner’s gaze lowered to his lap.
“I think that’s a great thing to imagine.” I squeezed her extra tight.
Chase emerged from his bedroom, only to go to the bathroom. He returned to his room, and closed the door behind him.
“Why won’t he come down with us?” Khloe asked, sadness in her voice.
“You know how sad you felt watching Moana? Chase feels that sadness, too. Sometimes, sadness makes you very tired. My dad was so sad once that he used to sleep all day and all night.”
“Why was he so sad?” she asked.
“My mom moved very far away, and we couldn’t see her anymore. He loved her so much, and he missed her so much, that he was sad without her.”
“Why did she move away?”
I shrugged my shoulders, anticipating that question. “I don’t know. She wasn’t a very good mom, like yours is. Your mommy would n
ever leave you guys behind.”
“No, she wouldn’t,” Beverly stated, sitting back down at the table.
Khloe curled up into her lap.
“Did I hear Chase upstairs?” she asked.
“Yup. Just to take a piss, and then locked himself in his room again,” Tanner replied bluntly.
“I’m going to bring him some pizza.” I stood and pushed my chair in. “I’ll be back down in a little while.”
“Don’t worry about me,” Beverly waved. “Focus on getting him to eat something.”
I nodded as I went into the kitchen. I slapped a slice of pizza onto a paper dish, and grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge. I knocked on his bedroom door before entering, and let myself in.
“I brought you pizza and water. I’m going to leave it on your nightstand for when you get hungry.”
“I’m not hungry.” His voice was muffled as it was before.
“I know. But you will be later, so it’s here.” I sat on the edge of the bed, lightly rubbing his back that was facing me. “Can I get you anything else?”
I waited in his silence. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. It was wet. I slid under the covers once more, and pressed myself against him as tightly as I could.
“You don’t have to stay here,” he muttered.
“I know I don’t have to. I’m staying until you tell me to leave.”
To that, he did not reply.
“Do you want me to go?” I asked.
“No.”
“Turn around, Chase. Look at me.”
Slowly, he turned over. We laid facing each other, as I caressed his face. “You were there for me while I was going through the worst time. Now, I’m going to be here for you during your worst time. So you can keep trying to push me away, but I’m not going anywhere.” I might not be as charming as you were, but I can be just as persistent.
I saw the tiniest hint of a smirk appear on his face. “I am pretty charming.”
“Of course that’s what you heard.” I rolled my eyes.
“I don’t want to eat; I don’t want to talk about my feelings; and I don’t want to make phone calls to random people to tell them that my father died.”
“Fine. So what do you want then?”
“I want to lay here, staring at your beautiful face, until I fall asleep.”
“That we can do.”
We stared into each other’s eyes for a small while. I watched the tears fill up behind his eyelids, and I watched him blink them away, like waves rushing onto the sand only to return just as quickly back to the ocean.
Daylight turned to moonlight, and still we laid.
“I have something for you,” Chase’s voice broke the silence in the darkened room around midnight.
“You do?”
“It’s from my father.”
“Oh. What is it?”
He stretched past me and switched his lamp on. Now sitting up, he reached into the pocket of his sweatpants and pulled out a folded piece of white paper.
I sat up, too.
He ran his fingers through his hair. He was nervous. “He asked me to give it to you before he died.”
I took the paper from him, and unfolded it, and began to read.
Chapter Twenty: The Letter
Dear Merritt,
I have wanted to tell you this for quite some time, but I never knew how to say it. Now that I’ve got limited time, I’m afraid I won’t get the chance. I hope you can forgive me for doing this in a letter.
As a parent, all you want in life is to see your children happy. When I saw the way Chase lit up when he was with you, I felt I could leave in peace knowing that he had you. It’s funny to think how you were right under each other’s noses all along. Sometimes, you’re not ready to meet someone until you reach a certain point in your life. It’s like the universe was preparing you both for the exact moment when your worlds would finally collide.
The night of your father’s wake, we had already found out about my cancer. I knew Chase was thinking about how he would one day be in your shoes, at my funeral. He was hurting for you. When he realized how much you had to drink, he wanted to get you out of there, and take you home; in hindsight, I wish that he had. Perhaps he would have gotten you home safely that night. But you left before anyone could stop you. He insisted on following you.
Beverly and I were only in the car for a few minutes when he called us for help. I turned around, and got to you as quickly as I could. You were stuck, and Chase was beside himself. He couldn’t manage to get you out before the flames engulfed the front end of the car. Afraid the car would explode, I pulled on you as hard as I possibly could. I’m afraid I caused your shoulder more damage than you should have had, and for that I am sorry. But I was determined to get you out of there – determined not to let this sweet, young girl die right before my son’s eyes. If I couldn’t be saved from what fate had in store for me, at least I could save you.
I know how much Chase hates keeping this secret from you. He said that you didn’t want to know. Please don’t be angry with him. I know what it means if you’re reading this letter, and he needs you right now. They all will need you. Your immeasurable strength is comforting to me. I know they will be okay, in time. And so will you, Merritt. I would give anything to have a second chance at life – to watch my family grow up, to see where they will go in their lives, to help them with anything they need. You get to do that now. Promise me you will help them – and let them help you, too. You deserve it.
All My Love – Tim
The tears poured down my face as the last piece of the puzzle was put into place. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember the sound of the voice that I heard while I was trapped in the car. It was a voice I would never hear again.
I looked up at Chase. He looked blurry through the waterfall of tears.
“Are you mad?” he asked.
All I could do was shake my head. There were no words offering themselves up for me to say.
“I wanted to tell you. But the first day I drove you to therapy, you blurted out that you wished you had died in the accident. I knew you would want nothing to do with me if I told you that I was responsible for you getting saved.”
“This is why you believe everything happens for a reason?”
“If my dad never got sick, I wouldn’t have been home from California. I wouldn’t have been at your dad’s funeral. I wouldn’t have been there to follow you.” He choked back the tears as he took my hands into his. “You would have died in that wreck, and I would never have gotten the chance to tell you how much I love you.”
Everything made sense, now. A strange sense of relief washed over me as I finally got the closure I didn’t realize I needed. The tears forced themselves out, wave after wave, as I sat in disbelief on Chase’s bed.
“What are you thinking right now?” he asked, nervously.
“You… you saved me. Your dad saved me. I’ll never be able to thank him.”
“I thanked him plenty, trust me.” Chase wiped the tears from my cheek with his thumb. “I wish you could have seen him. I don’t know how he got you out of there, Merritt. I tried with all of my might. It’s a memory my mother and I will always carry with us. He was heroic.”
“All I remember are the clips from my dreams, and they were horrifying. He was so brave to do that.” I sat up after a moment. “I have to tell Shelly.”
Chase shook his head. “She already knows.”
My jaw dropped open. “What?”
“My dad took you to the hospital. My mom and I went back to the funeral home to get Shelly. We waited in the hospital together. Then, we found out that you were in a coma. She was terrified. She really beat herself up for letting you leave.”
“Who else knows?”
“No one. Well, I’m sure she told Brody. Oh, and Tanner knows.”
I nodded, falling silent again. I couldn’t pick one clear thought out of my head as a million more questions raced through my mind.
&n
bsp; “Do you want to lie down?” Chase motioned to my favorite spot in his arms.
I curled up inside his embrace. Facing me, he pulled the covers around us. “I know it’s noisy in there,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Do you have any other questions you want to ask?”
I sighed. “No. Not now, anyway. I don’t want to take the focus off of you.”
“I don’t mind the distraction, honestly.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“What?”
“Ever since you came into my life, you have taken my mind off of all the bad things that happened. Now, the roles have reversed.”
His grin illuminated the dim room.
“There’s my smile.” I took hold of his face and kissed his lips. “I hate it when you’re sad.”
“Even though I knew this day would come, I don’t think it makes it hurt any less.”
“No. I don’t imagine it would.”
“Thank you for helping my mom. That meant the world to me.”
“She could use your help, too. She’s worried about you.”
“I’m not ready to be around them yet. It’s too hard, seeing one less family member that should still be here with us.”
“I get it.”
“Between your accident, and his cancer, all I can think about is how brief the good moments are. They can be ripped away from you at any time – with or without warning… and there’s nothing we can do.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. “I know. It’s scary. I’ve focused on the bad things for so long. It makes me not trust the good moments, like I’m waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me.”
“I don’t want it to be pulled out from under us. I want to be with you for a very, very long time.”
“Ditto, babe.”
He yawned.
“Want me to shut the light?”
“No. Don’t. I’m not done looking at you yet.”
We laid there until Chase’s eyelids grew heavy. Mine were not closing any time soon. It was too busy in my mind. I was going over every detail that I could remember from the night of my father’s funeral. I tried willing my mind to remember Chase and his father, but all I could see were the smoke and flames.
Chase was right – life is short. Such a common statement, yet only now did I understand its true meaning. I had spent so much of my life focusing on my sick father; so much time wallowing in my own despair; so much time looking back on the things I could not change. Happiness was sleeping just inches away from me, now. I felt a sense of urgency taking over. I had wasted enough time. I needed to make a change, a vow to myself, that I would be better – more present – for the people in my life. I owed it to Tim.
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