The fact that they were just one garbage can fire short of looking like a hobo picnic was odd, but not disconcerting. Same with the fact that the dragon seemed to be missing.
No, the disconcerting part was the horrific buzzing, which began right as I started to disintegrate, was suddenly way worse. It was now almost deafening. Even weirder, it seemed like it was coming from both inside my head, and from my brother.
Why was I not at all surprised?
Chapter 8
The Good, The Bad, & The Bogie
It never fails that when I ain’t seen Ajtyraeth for a good long while, I tend to forget that the guy in charge of a sizable portion of the realm ain’t nothin’ more than a little bitty pipsqueak. And this is coming from me, the guy who’s on the small side even for a demon. But seeing this little twerp actin’ like a tough guy oftentimes sends me into fits of laughter instead of cowering in fear. I suppose there might be the possibility that my laughin’ at him one too many times mighta had more than a little somethin’ to do with my banishment, but that never stopped me from collapsing into the giggles. Unwise? Sure, but when the scrawny little weasel stepped outta the shadows with a look that screamed murderous intent, I lost it.
“Oh man! Ahje, you gone on a diet or something?” I gasped out between guffaws. “You might wanna try some of them protein shakes or was you thinkin’ of sidelinin’ as one of them underwear models?”
See, most of us is kinda short, but stocky, which is just fine. We ain’t gotta be big or even intimidating. But you would think the guy in charge might be intimidating even if he ain’t so big. Yeah, no. See, Ajhe ain’t short, at least not by demon standards. The guy’s at least a foot taller than me, but he’s skinny. Real skinny. Like, stand sideways and disappear skinny. No joke, Ajhe is lucky if he weighs a whole ninety pounds, and I’ll eat my hat if most of that ain’t his noggin. The guy’s funny lookin’ is what I’m sayin’.
“Keep laughin’, bird brain,” he squeaked out in that not-so-intimidating voice of his.
“Oh, no worries, there!” I howled, nearly doubled over with the belly laughs. Okay, so I mighta been layin’ it on a little thick, but there was a madness to my methods and I weren’t just trying to be mean-spirited.
While he sure didn’t look like much, it weren’t no fluke that Ajhe was head of the demons. The guy had power. If I woulda sassed him like that back when I were still just a lesser demon, I’d be nothin’ more than a suspiciously demon-shaped smear on the sidewalk. But I ain’t just a lesser demon no more and ironically, I has Ajhe to thank for that.
No, despite what powers he had, Ahje weren’t no threat to me no more and by pokin’ fun at him, I was lettin’ him know this and keeping him distracted because unfortunately, he weren’t really my biggest concern at the moment. No, my concern was reserved for his henchmen in the shadows. See, the problem was that shadowy figures weren’t no metaphor. Them guys was actual shadows, but they was Chaos shadows, so they wasn’t restricted by the laws of natural science. Nothin’ I had at my disposal was rated for keeping a shadow outta my head and believe you me when I say you don’t wanna know what one of them things will do to the insides of your skull.
I definitely didn’t wanna engage no shadows, but I weren’t gonna have much of a choice if Ajhe decided to sic ‘em on me, so I did the only thing I knew I was good at and ran my mouth. The thing is, Ajhe might be powerful, but he weren’t the brightest bulb and I ain’t never met nobody what had so much power and influence, yet ain’t had no self-esteem what to speak of. As long as I could keep delivering blows to his fragile ego, I was okay. I just hoped I could come up with a plan to escape the shadows before he got bored of arguing with me.
“What is ya doin’ here, Bertie?”
Bertie? Ain’t no one ever called me Bertie and I got great aunties by the casino-bound-party-busload. Heck, Ajhe ain’t never called me Bertie before. This was good. If he were already resorting to name callin’, it meant he didn’t have much of anything else and he knew it.
“Me? What is I doin’ here? I could ask you the same thing, Ajhe. Ain’t this place a little outta the way for the guy what heads up the demon division?”
“Outta the way? You betcher sweet boppity boo it’s outta the way! Deliberately so, I might add, which is why you showin’ up makes for more than just the normal size pains in my backside. I’m about had it with yer meddling and smearin’ my name, Bertie, an’ I’m about more had it with yous an’ yer whole family goin’ outta yer way t’ make me look bad. Yous is the thorn what scrapes at my nerves.”
Yeesh. Seems I also forgot how this guy ain’t got no love lost for the English language. Oh, I’m sure some folks start with the ear bleeding whenever I open my yap, but what they ain’t realizin’ is there’s an art form to making hash of a language what wants to make hash of itself already. Ajhe though, that guy weren’t so much an artist as a demolitions expert. But it weren’t how he spoke so much as what he said that caused my ears to prick up.
“Hold the phone, there, Ajhe. I can’t seem to wrap my head around how my being here is making you look bad. I’m stuck in Blackbird because I didn’t have much of a choice after you banished me from the realm. But yous obviously knew about this place long before I did. What I wanna know is how a backwater burg like Blackbird ever even ended up on your radar?”
“How? How?” Ajhe laughed. I’m sure it was meant to be the maniacal laughter of an evil genius, but the guy sorta had this high pitched giggle, so he sounded more like that biscuit slingin’ dough-boy, only if said dough-boy were strung out on methamphetamines. “Hubert, I didn’t find Blackbird, I built Blackbird!”
“You what?”
Okay, gotta admit, that were a whammy I ain’t seen comin’.
“That’s right.” He crossed his arms, squared his narrow little shoulders, and puffed out his pathetic excuse for a chest, lookin’ like the cat who ate the canary. “’Bout a hundred or so years back, I happen t’ find this little scrap of conveniently placed nowhere smack-dead center between alls the bigtime boomin’ population centers. Even more fortuitous-like, it just so happened t’ sit on top of an unstable plate. Couple some wise guys from down St. Louis was scoutin’ ‘round the river, lookin’ t’ set up a business ‘round the same time. Seein’ as there weren’t no coal opportunities for bustin’ open a gateway, I suggested the mill. Even bankrolled ‘em to keep ‘em from getting’ some city backers what might have ties t’ some folks I didn’t wanna tangle with. An’ so I sat back an’ waited for the destruction of nature t’ take its toll. It weren’t no get rich quick scheme, but it were worth the wait. Leastwise until you showed up.”
Well now. That were an interesting story, but I had a hard time believing it were anything more than a fabrication. Don’t get me wrong. I could buy the idea that a nowhere dump like Blackbird came into existence because some petty demon tried to make a name for himself. Jumpin’ on an opportunity to play the long odds weren’t so strange. All the top dogs of the realm had a similar such secret weapon or two hidden in the shadows.
On the other hand, the fact that I would end up not only banished from the realm due to some stupid petty grudge, but also find myself stuck in the same said dump out of all the hundreds of backwater dumps out there was some pretty astronomical odds. Too astronomical, actually.
“I ain’t sayin’ I don’t believe you, Ajhe, but I ain’t sayin’ I do believe yous neither.”
Apparently, that ruffled his feathers because his pink face turned a shade of purple reminiscent of when Great Uncle Howie got himself djinxed.
“I don’t give a pixie fart if ya believe me or not!” he said, though the hissy fit he were pitchin’ said otherwise.
“Okay, fine,” I said with a shrug. Truth be told, riling the guy up was so easy it was hardly fun no more. “So let’s say I believe you. I’m guessin’ that since even with the illegal dumping you was doing, the mill weren’t strong enough to do what you was trying to do, so that’s why you turned to fracking. I
get that, sure. But come on, Ajhe. Even you should’ve known you was just gonna draw the attention of Order what with all the lost souls you was creatin’.”
Fortunately for me and my continued existence, Ajhe must’ve gone to the James Bond villain school of evil plan revealing monologues.
“Feh! I weren’t worried about no Order folks. They sent a couple agents nosin’ ‘round, sure, but they ain’t did nothin’ much. Nah, by the time they sent the Warrior, I already had this frackin’ scheme in the bag. Ain’t no one, Order folks or otherwise coulda stopped this day from happenin’. But you! You an’ alls of them other rotten apples in yer family tree gettin’ it in yer pea-brains t’ challenge my authority, that I take issue with!”
Ya know, if it weren’t for the fact that not a damned thing about his declaration made sense, I mighta been flattered that the leader of the demons saw me as a bigger pain in the neck than Des.
“Ah, no offense, Ajhe, but when have I ever challenged your authority?”
“When? When? Whaddaya think you is doin’ right now? I don’t remember sendin’ no letter of invitation t’ no Huberts. Was you expectin’ the key t’ the city or somethin’?”
See, when Mort made the offhand comment earlier about Ajhe thinkin’ I made him look bad, I thought nothing of it. I weren’t kidding when I said that the only person what could make Ajhe look bad were Ajhe, as evidenced by the fact that he went doubled over with laughter at his bafflingly unfunny attempt at humor. But the fact that he were accusin’ me of deliberately coming to Blackbird was even more baffling.
“Okay, I’m very sorry to burst your self-important bubble, but I didn’t have any ways of knowin’ you was here until just now. Besidesways, it ain’t like I even had a choice in the matter. You yourself banished me from the realm and I weren’t about to go back to LA, so I came lookin’ for Des. Sure, not the smartest plan for a demon, but I weren’t expecting him to hit me with a binding spell neither.”
“Right. And the next thing youse is wantin’ me to believe is that you went an’ got all chummy with Order ‘cuz you was havin’ some sort of crisis of conscience an’ not because you was tryin’ t’ make me lose respect amongst my peers?”
“Look, Ajhe,” I said, legitimately marveling at the way the guy managed to use his own ego as an impenetrable shield against reason. “I know yous got a grudge against me and most my relatives, but did you ever stop to think that the reason you ain’t got the respect you think you deserve from the rest of Chaos is because even though you is the head of the biggest faction in the realm, you is also the head of the faction with the biggest population of yo-yos and dimwits? We demons ain’t never been known for our scholarly ways, Ajhe.”
To be fair, I weren’t even making an exclusion for myself. I weren’t laboring under any delusions that I was anything more than average at best. Even a shrewd demon like Mort or Great Uncle Howie who might make a decent side living for themselves ain’t no rocket surgeons.
“I should think yous just proved my point. I ain’t no incompetent! Youse guys is the ones makin’ me look bad.”
“Yeah, not so much,” I said. Man, this guy was thicker than a Louie’s milkshake left outside in January. “See, Ajhe, what you failed to take into consideration is that any group is only as bright as their leader and judging by your esteemed leadership skills, demons is the dimmest of the Discordant.”
“Oh, I ain’t so bright, eh? Well you ain’t gonna be so bright once I knock yer lights out!”
Okay, I gotta admit, while it weren’t the wittiest comeback I ever did hear, coming from Ajhe, it were practically genius.
“You can make threats all you want, Ajhe, but you may wanna remember that I ain’t one of your underlings no more,” I warned. “Which means I ain’t limited in what I can and can’t do.”
“Is that so?” Ajhe, sensing that his authority was being challenged, puffed himself up again. “Okay, hot shot. If you is so big and strong, why ain’t I a stain on the pavement?”
“Because I got a conscience,” I said, though I gotta admit, I weren’t sure even my good natured ways was gonna be enough to keep me feelin’ all zen-like. Sooner or later, the guy was gonna give me an excuse to zap him and the more Ajhe ran off at the mouth, the more I was thinkin’ sooner.
“Oh that’s rich!” He started howling again. “What good was becomin’ an Order lackey if you gotta worry about hurtin’ someone’s feelin’s, eh? All the power in the world ain’t gonna do yous no good if you gets all sad when you try t’ use it.”
“I ain’t no Order lackey, Ajhe. I got something you ain’t got.”
“Oh does ya? And what, do tell, is that?”
“A soul.”
So, you ever just say the first thing that comes to your mind and not really engage your brain? Only somehow, instead of a what the heck moment of backtracking and trying to figure out why your subconscious hates you so much, you find that your mouth knew better than your brain all along? Okay, yeah, that last part never really happens to me neither so much, but I’ll be darned if that weren’t exactly what just happened.
See, here’s the thing. When I defected from the Discordant, I became a part of Order, but not the whole kit and caboodle. It weren’t like I was Pinocchio and I wished hard enough to be a real boy. No, I were still a demon even though I weren’t Discordant. Sure, there was perks. For severing ties with Chaos, the Creator gave me access to my full magical potential, which has come in handy for more than just gettin’ Des off my back. But I weren’t no human.
Yet there it was. Somehow, without really understanding the mechanics of such things, I realized what I said was true. I have a…
“Soul? Soul?” Ajhe spluttered. “Soul what?”
Egads!
That was more in line with the terrible attempts at humor I were used to hearing from Ajhe, but boy howdy, he sure thought it were a knee-slapper. That one stopped him down so hard I thought the guy was gonna have a fit.
“What that means is I ain’t no puppet and there ain’t much you can do to me. Kill me and I’m just gonna come back. Probably sooner rather than later seein’ as us magical types is always called upon to become agents. You want that, Ajhe? You wanna see what Warrior Bogie brings to the table?”
Okay, so as to prove that even a repentant demon like myself ain’t no genius, my brain didn’t catch up until the words was out of my mouth. Big mistake. When arguing with a demon, never bluff. They will always call you on it. Now, had it just been me and Ajhe in the alley, I mighta had a shot at shuttin’ the guy up before he had a chance to yammer on about his own importance. But it weren’t just me and Ajhe and I’d made the mistake of gettin’ caught up in his yammering long enough to forget about the shadows.
“Oh, you think them Order folks is gonna let you sit at the big boy’s table? Forget you, Bertie-boy. I ain’t got time t’ play no Order games.” Ajhe squeaked out an incantation and the shadows started to creep up and close in on me. “You wanna play the messiah card? I’m happy t’ oblige.”
Whelp, this was it. Folks always did say that it were my great big yap what would be the end of me.
Heh, yeah right.
Like I weren’t going down without a fight. Mentally, I prepared a shield against the shadows and was just about to whack ‘em with all I had when a deafening boom filled the air, throwin’ off my concentration. The back door of the bakery were practically hanging off its hinges and even I jumped as Betty stormed out and got right up in Ajhe’s face.
“You call off those shadows,” she hissed, pullin’ up so much energy from the ground that I could actually see the magical buildup warping the air around her. “Or find out exactly how slow and painful this castration spell I’ve been working on can get.”
“Oh! That’s rich!” Ajhe howled, doubling over on himself. “The great and powerful Hubert’s gotta get rescued by a broad.”
“Yeah,” I admitted with a shrug. “Pretty much.”
If I were some kind of a macho man, I mighta
risen to the bait and taken issue with Betty jumpin’ into the frackas to come to my rescue, but I weren’t so much concerned about such things. Really, I was more concerned with why she was cookin’ up a castration spell, let alone a slow and painful one. But Ajhe, he were the kind of guy what was insecure about pretty much everything.
“Okay girly, you wanna make threats? Bring it on, cupcake.”
Uh oh. Ajhe was in for it. I had to take a few steps back ‘cuz the harvested energy was startin’ to tingle in a most unpleasant way.
“Girly? Cupcake?”
Betty raised her arms and I could see a small bottle of something sparkly in her hand. I really had to wonder if all spells were that sparkly or if Betty weren’t adding a little glitter for aesthetic purposes, ‘cuz I imagine seeing a warlock dropping glitter bombs were similar to seeing one of them macho-man factory worker types ordering a frou-frou umbrella drink at the Penny. It just weren’t workin’ for me.
But whatever Betty were doing sure was working. I didn’t hear her give a single peep, but already the clouds was swirling and the wind was whipping like we was about to be hit with a tornado. Two seconds later, that’s kinda what happened, only in reverse. One by one all of Ahje’s lackeys was sucked up into the swirling vortex until none was left. As soon as he realized he didn’t have no backup, Ajhe scrambled to run away like the coward he were, but he only got to the end of the alley before he were sucked up too.
“Holy cats! What was in that?”
“A nullifier, but I didn’t use it,” she said with a frown as she studied the bottle. “I hadn’t even begun the activation spell.”
“You mean you didn’t do any of that?”
“Nope, but I have a feeling it’s not insignificant, whatever just happened.”
“Yeah, no joke,” I muttered, but apparently it weren’t no joke because at that moment, both our phones chimed with a message from Donna, telling us to get our butts over to the mill.
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 78
