by Chii Rempel
“He could’ve gone to you.”
I blink at him a few times. “Xander’s not allowed to sleep in my bed.”
He clears his throat and turns his face. “Yes, of course. Not before you two are married.”
Somehow, I get the vague feeling that we’re not on the same page. “No,” I say deliberately slowly, “it’s because I hate sharing a bed. Besides, Xan is impossible to sleep next to. He takes up ninety percent of the space and a hundred percent of the covers, it’s infuriating.”
“He was doing fine with me.”
I grunt. “Of course, he was doing fine with you. It’s you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“If you still don’t know it’s not my place to tell you.”
Seriously, these guys are killing me. Is it really that hard to sit down and have a normal conversation about one’s feelings?
“I still don’t see the problem with him sleeping with you – oh look at that, I did it too. You guys did it all the time when you were young.”
“Yeah … we’re not so young anymore,” he says. I can see that his thoughts carry him somewhere and by the tinge of colour on his cheeks I’m sure I don’t want to follow. “You don’t think it’s strange that two grown men sleep in a bed together?”
I throw him a disbelieving look. “Firstly, I wouldn’t describe you two as ‘grown men’. Second, what’s so strange about it? What’s different to a guy and a girl sharing a bed?”
“Well, that usually leads to sex. I’m speaking from experience.”
“Err,” I say, “you know that two guys can have sex too, right?”
He grunts at me and purses his lips. “Of course, I know that, I’m aware of homosexuality, thank you very much.”
“Good, just wanted to check.”
“But that’s not – that’s not what happened. Nothing happened. I –” Xavier buries his face in his hands again and lets out a frustrated growl. I grab his fingers and carefully free his face. My voice is gentle when I speak again: “Did you want something to happen?”
“… what?”
“Did you want to have sex with Xander?”
He sits up straight so quickly that I lose my grip on his hands. “What? No! I mean, I don’t know. I mean, he’s a he … I’ve never … and besides, he’s the prince. There’d be no way … and he’s your fiancée!” He looks at me with frightened eyes. “Gods, Arcadia, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t talk about the man you’re about to marry that way, it’s absolutely improper and insensitive of me. I hope you can forgive me. Please don’t tell anyone about this conversation.”
He jumps up and heads for the door, but my words hold him back.
“He doesn’t love me.”
I say it without malice, without sadness. It’s a fact that I’m well acquainted with. And it’s not like I’m madly in love with him either. I would have married him, had he wanted to. But I’m glad he doesn’t. We make a good team, but I don’t think we would’ve made a good couple.
Xavier turns around slowly. “Don’t be silly, of course Xander loves you!”
I smile gently. “Yeah, he does. Just not in the way you think he’s doing.”
“I still don’t understand,” he says, shaking his head.
I stand up and walk over to him. “Xavier,” I say, “have you not seen Xan and me together? Do we look like a sappy lovey-dovey couple to you? Don’t get me wrong, I love that idiot with all my heart. He’s the brother I never knew I wanted. He’s more family to me than my own father. But we’re not in love. Never will be.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Xavier look more lost or confused. “But, the betrothal?”
“Arranged by our parents, as you very well know. Not something we chose. We just keep up the sham so they don’t bother us. But I begin to suspect it is time we come clear, lest anybody gets hurt over nothing.” I wink at him, which makes him even more confused.
“But he seems so … in love.”
“That’s because he is,” I laugh. “Just not with me.”
I shake my head and take Xavier’s hands in mine. “You should really talk to him, Xavier. And I mean really talk. It might shed some light on things.”
I escort him back to the divan. Then I pick up the copy of Cyndranet and Varya and hand it to Xavier. “Make yourself comfortable, while you wait for him. I’m sure he will be back shortly. And in the meantime, read this. It’ll do you good to know his favourite piece of literature if you want to do this.”
With a last wink, I leave the room.
13
Xavier
Xander doesn’t come back shortly. I consider leaving or going to find him (what is he up to anyway?) but if I leave this room now I know I won’t find the courage to confront him on that subject anymore. I’m not even sure I have the courage now. Or what ‘that subject’ is exactly. Planning has clearly never been my forte.
I try to take Cadi’s advice and read the book. Cyndranet and Varya. I’ve heard Xander talk about it a million times, but I’ve never thought to pick it up and read it myself. Not that I don’t enjoy the occasional book, but – who am I kidding? I’m not really fond of reading. Why read about something when you can go out and experience it yourself? I don’t make it past the first two pages … that is one damn long poem. Instead, I pace up and down the room.
Xander has placed the skull I have found in that frightful night right in the middle of the mantlepiece. I don’t get his fascination for this thing. It’s creeping me out a bit how its eyes seem to follow me about the room. I decide to turn it around when my eyes fall on something silvery lying beside it. Carefully, I pick up the small, round object. I flip the heavy silver coin in my fingers. The king’s coat of arms stands proudly on one side, on the other there are entangled knots, representing eternity. I’ve never seen this kind of coin up close – it’s something only known among the royalty of Jütland. It’s a tradition, a promise. A symbol of companionship for life.
That is when I hear footsteps. As I whirl around, the door opens and I find myself staring into the surprised eyes of Xander. A very messy looking Xander, with dirt on his cheeks and cuts on his hands. He clearly didn’t expect to see me here. I want to ask him what happened. Instead, what leaves my mouth is: “You were supposed to give this to Arcadia.”
As his face becomes even more confused, I raise my hand. The coin lies heavily in my palm, burning me with the meaning that it bears.
Xander’s eyes follow my movement and I see him immediately shut off as he recognizes the object.
“I know,” he says, his expression one I don’t dare to read. “She gave it back.”
The silence that follows is charged with anticipation.
“…Why?”
His eyes fix on me and I can see a sliver of fear flicker through them. But it’s gone so quickly that I’m not sure I haven’t imagined it.
“You know why.”
I have an inkling, but I don’t dare voice it. It feels like there’s a rope around my throat, tying my voice and keeping my words from escaping. I know what I want to say, I know what I should say. Instead I say: “But … you are perfect for each other.”
Xander makes a tsk sound and drops his intensive stare. He goes over to the cabinet and pours himself a glass of wine, before he plants himself on the divan, gracefully crossing his legs.
“You still don’t get it, do you?” he says and there’s a bite in his voice that hasn’t been there a second before. “She’s not the person I want.”
He doesn’t meet my eyes, although I desperately want him to. I don’t know if he’s saying what I think he’s saying, let alone think about the possibility, because there is just no way … I know I’ve just talked to Cadi about it. I know she said they weren’t … that. But still, I need to hear him say it. I need to make sure I don’t ruin anything before I do something stupid.
“The … person?” I hear myself ask. My brain is working on different scenarios and outcomes of this situation a
nd I have no idea what the right thing to say is. “Not … girl?”
His expression turns cold in an instant and I know immediately that wasn’t the right thing.
Xander stands up in a fluid motion and puts his glass down on the table, before turning around heading towards the bathroom. He isn’t even sparing me another glance, when he says: “You should go now, Xavier.”
“But …”
“Good night.” With this, he shuts the door to the bathroom and I am left standing in the middle of the room, feeling colder than that fateful night I spent outside. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I am not good with words, this is not how I handle things. I am good with actions. I put the coin back on the mantlepiece and head for my room. This wasn’t one of the scenarios that I had hoped for. I should have known that I wouldn’t be able to find the right words. Next time, I’ll do it my way. With actions, not with words.
Xander
I hear the front door fall shut. A sigh leaves my lips as I slide down the door to my bathroom. What the hell was that? Xavier was acting like a completely different person …
‘Not girl?’, he had asked. No, you damn idiot, not girl! I am not and never will be interested in girls. I am only interested in you, damn it! I wish I could say that to him. Maybe I should just say that and if he hates me afterwards, well at least I get a chance to get over my hopeless crush. Although, after tonight I thought it might not be so hopeless after all. The way he looked at me, the blushing … But maybe I was imagining things. Seeing something that wasn’t there just because I wanted to see it.
And now that question. Not girl? What gives him the right to judge me? I didn’t even think he would get caught up on the phrasing, otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything at all. He sounded so … condescending. Or am I reading him wrong? I’m not that good in reading him on normal days, but today was even worse. First, that nearly domestic feeling morning that brought me close to a heart-attack, now this … this conversation that wasn’t a conversation at all. What was he doing in my room anyway? I expect it from Arcadia to ignore my privacy, but Xavier? Maybe I should have let him explain. I’m just so tired after the exercise Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put me through. Although it felt nice for a change not to think about the upcoming wedding or my forced departure afterwards.
I take a quick bath and put on some of my more casual clothing – all black. My hair is getting a little long on the sides, I should get it cut before the ceremony. I like to keep it a bit longer on the top.
Before I leave my chambers, I catch a glimpse of silver on my mantlepiece. The coin Xavier had been holding. Why did he pick it up at all? It’s been lying there for years, had he just realised that? I tuck the coin into my inside pocket and close the door behind me.
There are voices coming from the sitting room, whispered but angry. I can’t hear them enough to decipher who they are, so I stop in front of the doors contemplating whether I should disturb the argument or not. Who am I kidding, of course I should.
“You are neglecting your tasks!” a tall, broad-shouldered man is hissing. “If you want to be my successor someday, it is your duty –”
Captain Colson cuts off as his eyes fall on me. Xavier is standing beside him, his posture withdrawn, but his face a look of sharp anger.
“Lord Maleth,” the captain of the guard begins, giving a short bow, “I’m sorry we disturbed you.”
I look between the older man and Xavier, who is an exact image of his father, just younger and without the grey hair. Xavier shoots me a look implying I shouldn’t interfere and for once I decide to listen to him.
“It’s quite all right, Captain,” I say. “I was just passing through, I’m on my way to the study. Please, feel free to continue.”
I throw another glance at Xavier before I stroll past them. There’s the sound of his father clearing his throat, followed by retreating footsteps. I guess their argument in on hold for now. There was no chance the captain would continue a family dispute in front of a member of the royal family. That wouldn’t be proper.
“You’re welcome,” I say without turning and continue walking towards the study.
“I could’ve handled that myself. You shouldn’t have interfered.”
“I didn’t.”
Xavier grunts, but I can hear him follow me. My heart speeds up its rhythm. I wasn’t prepared to have a conversation with Xavier so quickly again.
He closes the door after us, while I sit down in my father’s chair behind the old desk. I need something between us. Only then do I look at him.
Before I can utter a word, he beats me to it: “Xander, I’m sorry.”
I raise my eyebrows, rendered speechless for a moment. I can’t say I expected him to apologise so quickly. Not that he has anything to apologise for … it was me who kicked him out. Even though he behaved like a jerk, I could’ve at least let him talk.
“It’s fine,” I say, dismissing the matter with a wave of my hand. “What were you doing in my room anyway?”
At least he has the decency to look ashamed. “Erm, Arcadia dragged me there to talk. She said it would be fine.”
“Of course, she did. She treats my chambers like her private saloon. Her rooms are just as adequate as mine, next time, consider going there.”
I sound harsh. I don’t want to sound harsh, why is my voice not listening to me? Xavier’s jaw tenses and his face hardens.
“As you wish, my prince,” he announces and – bloody hell – bows before me. He knows how much I hate when he does that. It demonstrates the stupid social difference between us that he likes to bring up way too often for my liking. He should know that I pay no attention to that.
His black eyes are cold as he looks at me. “Clearly, my apology wasn’t sufficient. I will leave you to your work now.”
He turns stiffly and leaves the room. I want to call him back, I want to apologise and explain myself, but I don’t know what to explain. How do I explain that sometimes he makes me so nervous I forget myself? It shouldn’t be like that. We’re best friends, I should be able to talk to him properly. But that would imply spilling my feelings and after the last couple of hours, I’m convinced it would be best to keep them to myself.
14
Xavier
It’s been a whole day since I’ve last seen Xander. After that … argument we had in the study, I’ve thought it best to keep my distance. The fury I’ve felt about the way he behaved towards me has ebbed away quickly, leaving confusion and hurt in its wake. We’ve never been like this towards one another. It’s never been this … tense. I don’t know what happened to us. Scratch that, I know exactly what happened to us I just don’t want to deal with it. It’s my fault that I act like some stupid teenager around him all of a sudden. Of course, he’d pick up on my odd behaviour. Of course, everything would change. And I don’t seem capable of talking to him about it properly. Everything seemed fine until suddenly it wasn’t.
I’ve spent the whole day running rounds with the soldiers and afterwards cleaning the training grounds, as punishment for my talking back to my father. The night I’ve spent playing poker with Guildenstern, ignoring dubious questions about Xander that I had no answers to.
“Xavier Colson!” I hear Cadi’s outraged voice behind me, as I’m about to leave for the kitchens way later than is acceptable for breakfast. It stops me in my tracks and I take the time for a deep breath before turning around, an apologetic look ready on my face before I even know what I’ve done.
“Yes, Arcadia Margaret Riverstone?”
Her eyebrows twitch at the use of her full name.
“Don’t you pull that crap on me,” she says, pointing an accusing finger on me. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Erm,” I mutter confusedly, “getting something to eat?”
Cadi’s face becomes even more angry. Although she has to look up to meet my eyes, I feel like she is towering over me. How can such a tiny person be so frightening?
“Don’t get c
ocky, it doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m not, Cadi, seriously. I have genuinely no idea what you’re talking about,” I try to explain. Her annoyed huff tells me I’m not convincing.
“Yeah, right,” she says, “So it’s not your fault I had to spend a good part of the night cheering up Xander. He ended up reciting Wrenwulf.” Exasperated, she throws her arms in the air. “Wrenwulf, Xavier! It was nearly as bad as the time he discovered that slightly brownish strand in his impeccably blond hair.”
“Nothing could be as bad as the strand-incident,” I throw in, shaking my head at the memory. It had taken a bottle of wine, two hours in front of the mirror and a surprising amount of poetry to lift Xander’s spirits again. That guy and his poems. It will forever remain a mystery to me what it is that he sees in those words that seems to affect him so much.
“No, but it came close. What were you thinking? I thought we had it all sorted out?”
“All sorted out? What is that even supposed to mean? I have no idea what I should have done in your opinion, but apparently, I fucked up. Not that Xander was behaving any better. I don’t know what’s happening to us.”
Cadi takes a step backwards, shaking her head. “That’s not true and you know it. You two have been dancing around each other for long enough, it was bound to get out of control at some point. Is it really so hard to talk openly? You two are best friends, you are my family, I won’t stand and watch you hurt each other over nothing.”
I shrug, defeated. “I don’t know what to tell you, Cadi. I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, lucky for you, I do.”
Xander
The library is deserted, just as I had hoped. The smell of old books and dust captures my nose and I inhale deeply, loving the memories it conjures up inside my mind. I’ve been avoiding everybody all morning. Not my best move, but the only one I have left to play. As the prince and future king of this country I should learn to stand my ground and not run from my problems, I am aware of that. But as long as I am not king yet I am allowed some foolishness.
