by Mia Ford
“I have to go, Liam,” I eventually say while patting him on the arm. “But it’s been really good to see you.”
I storm across the dance floor, and grab hold of Veronica. She gives me a shocked look, but happily melts into the kiss I plant down on her, just going with the flow. I need the reassurance, I feel all uneasy, I just want to hold her for a little bit. The sensation of her lips against mine does fill me with joy and make it a little easier.
“Are you okay?” She gives me a curious look as she pulls back from me. “Is something going on?”
I can see the desperate need from her, she really wants to help me, which isn’t what this moment is supposed to be at all. I feel bad for even bringing her into my internal dilemma. I force a bright smile on my lips.
“I’m okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m going out for a walk with some of the guys.”
I hate lying, but she’ll panic if I tell her that I need a moment alone, but that truly is what I want right now. I just need to walk, to stare up at the stars, to just gather up my thoughts. I hope she can’t see that.
“Okay, sure. Are you alright if I stay here with Rachel then? So, you know where to find me?”
Thank goodness. Either she can’t see my lie or she’s letting me off the hook. Either way, I get some time away from all the noise of this party. Yes, I wanted to stick around and say goodbye to everyone when I first arrived at this party, but my mood has changed and I’m not in the mood to speak to anyone.
“Of course. I’ll come and find you in a while, okay.” I lean down and give her one last kiss, loving the way my heart skips about ten beats. “You just stay here and have a good time. I won’t be long.”
I walk backwards, not looking behind me as I go. I am concerned that I’ll walk into someone, but I’d much rather fix my eyes on this lovely woman. I adore her. She’s wonderful. I love her. And that’s the problem.
Once the cool night air hits me, my emotions stir up even more. I feel a pinch behind my nose which makes me fear that tears might be coming. There’s no way in hell I can let them lose, that’s just ridiculous, but I have this horrible feeling that I’m going to lose Veronica. I have these terrible images floating through my mind of her finding love with someone else because I’m just not around much. My excitement for my new career is slipping. I’m not scared of the work, I know what I’m letting myself in for, I’m just frightened that I’m going to lose the love of my life. I cannot let all this love and this relationship to be for nothing. It’s been everything to me.
I grip onto a set of railings I find outside the student bar and I gasp desperately. I toss my head back trying to keep my emotions inside, but I can feel them over spilling just a little bit.
“Hey, handsome.” A pair of very familiar arms snake around my back. “I just wanted to check on you.”
I did want to be by myself, but the fact that Veronica is out here with me does feel good. I lean against her, letting her hold me for a little while. I don’t usually rest on her emotionally, but it feels nice.
“I’m okay,” I try my hardest to reassure her, but my voice does crack. “it’s all just a bit much.”
“Don’t worry.” I feel her face nestle into my back. “It’s normal to have a wobble. I’ve had loads. it’s going to be a big life change. We’re going to have to adjust and it won’t be easy, but we love one another enough to get through. You know that, right? As long as we always have each other’s backs then it’ll be fine.”
She’s right. Damn it, I know she is. Why did I let Liam get under my skin? Why did I have to get myself all worked up? Yes, it’s going to be hard, nothing worth anything is easy, but we can do it. We’re strong.
I turn and cup her face in my hands before placing a little kiss on her lips. The love flows between us, strong and powerfully. It makes me feel a bit more secure. “You’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m a mess.” I glance towards the doors. “I’m sorry I dragged you away from Rachel, we should go back in.”
“She’s okay, she’s at the bar.” Veronica embraces me hard. “We have a few more moments.”
I lean my head against hers, breathing much deeper. She’s calmed me, she’s cooled my panic down, and I love her even more for that. I don’t think there’s anyone else who could do that for me.
“So, you promise we’ll be okay?” I ask in a small voice. “You aren’t going to leave me as soon as we get out of here? All the other couples seem to be splitting up and I’m scared that we will do.”
“Pfft,” Veronica replies dismissively. “There’s no chance of that. We’re so much stronger than all of them. You seem to forget that we’re very much in love. We’ve known each other much longer than all of the others, and we’re in a solid, grown up relationship. Trust me, by now, we can tackle anything.”
I smile to myself, enjoying the way her words make me feel. If I focus on all of that rather than the negative things we might face in the future then it doesn’t seem so bad. We do have a lot going for us, there is a lot to look forward to, this is a wobble, nothing more. This is just one little moment of fear before the excitement comes again.
We are going to be fine.
11
Veronica
One Year Later…
“How it going, Ronnie?” my boss, Oliver, calls out to me. “You got everything together for the report today?”
His words are sharp, his tone a little harsh, but that’s just the way he is. I don’t mind, I can take it on the chin, mostly because I have achieved my goal and I’m really freaking happy about it. I might have started here as an intern, working in the research room finding stories for the other reporters, but I’ve worked my way up quickly, I’ve made myself stand out, and that’s worked in my favor. Now, I’m an onsite reporter doing little snippets from location. I thought I wanted to be an anchor, the main face that people saw when they turned on the news, but now I think I might like this better. I’m not chained to a desk. I get to research, to travel, to meet new people. It’s amazing. In a way, it combines the theatre I loved in high school, and the English I loved in college.
I never thought I would make it this far, but I’m so happy that I have. This career is everything to me.
I think I’ve changed a bit to become this woman. I’ve grown up, become a career-oriented person, a workaholic, someone who dedicates everyone to her job. I guess I’ve become ‘Ronnie’, but I don’t mind. I like that person. It feels like the person I’m supposed to be. I go to fancy bars, I have grown up conversations, I eat nice food, and have meetings with really important men and women. It’s awesome.
I love my new home too, the house that me and Jordan bought between us. He might earn more than me because he’s working his way up rapidly in his career too – he’s already become a Lieutenant which is virtually unheard of since he hasn’t been there long – but I’ve contributed a lot too. Also, I’m the person there most of the time, so a lot of the time it feels like it’s just my house. But I don’t resent Jordan for not being here. If he was, I wouldn’t have been able to give as much of myself to my career and I wouldn’t be where I am today.
“All good,” I reassure Oliver. “Just the last few bits to tie up and I’ll be out of here. Which camera operator is coming out with me today? It’s a biggie, interviewing the Mayor,” I say in a teasing tone.
“You’ve got Christopher, is that okay with you?” I shrug. They’re all fine really. “Good, because…”
“Oliver!” Michelle, the girl who’s probably my biggest rival in work, but who’s actually my friend, grabs onto my boss’s arm. “Have you heard the latest? There’s a new report coming from Afghanistan…”
Immediately, I feel my whole-body tense up. I might be adjusted to the fact that Jordan isn’t around much, but that doesn’t mean I like where he is. The other people here try to be sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to hear much about Afghanistan because I can’t ever know if it involves my man or not, but sometimes w
hen a major incidence happens, like whatever this is about to be, it slips through the cracks and I’m forgotten about.
I guess this isn’t the best place to be if I don’t want to hear about the biggest US war happening right now.
My shoulders hunch up around my ears, sickness swirls in my stomach. I feel all light and dizzy like I might pass out. This isn’t good news, it’s never good news, which means I really need to brace myself. I don’t get to speak to Jordan much while he’s stationed because obviously he has to keep his location a secret, and one day I desperately fear that I’m going to learn about a station blowing up, then finding out that it’s him.
Excuse yourself, my brain screams at me. Get away before you hear something awful…
But I can’t move. My limbs have turned to lead, I feel like I’m frozen to the spot. Luckily, or unluckily as the case may be, only a few words are getting through my shock barrier. Bomb, explosion, death toll…
I don’t know what side is injured, I have no idea what’s really going down, but I feel like I need to fall. My body wants to crumble and tumble to the group, but something is holding me upright.
“I… I have to go.” Somehow, I manage to stumble away, freeing myself from the shackles of Michelle’s words. “I need to erm, to go to the bath… to find Christopher, to get this sorted…”
But I go with my first suggestion and I head into the bathroom to catch my breath. I clutch onto the sink while the buzzing ever so slowly subsides from my brain. My breaths are ragged, my heart hammering against my rib cage, panic twisting in an ugly manner right through my body. I don’t feel right, I’m all messy.
Eventually, I drag my eyes off the white porcelain, and I see my reflection staring back at me. Sometimes it shocks me how much I’ve grown in a year, how different I am. I never have my hair spilling down my back anymore, it’s always tied up in a tight chignon so it doesn’t get in my face. I also don’t ever wear my casual tee shirts, sweat pants, leggings, and tank tops anymore. It’s stark pencil skirts, tight dresses, and blazer jackets all the way. I have to look the professional I am. I need to show the world that I mean what I say, it’s a part of the job. If the viewers don’t take me seriously, then I won’t be in a job for long enough.
Get it together, Ronnie, I remind myself. I will hear about the war, I just need to separate myself from it.
Another side of the job is to detach myself emotionally. I can’t get involved in anything that I’m saying. That should be the same for everything related to Afghanistan but it isn’t that way at all. I can’t turn my feelings off.
But I’ll have to. At least for a short while because I have an interview to conduct, one which needs to go well. So, as always, I buckle myself up, I push Jordan way to the back of my mind where I can think about him later on while I’m alone in that big, beautiful home of ours, and I gather myself up. It’s time to go.
***
“Thank you very much for speaking to me today, Mayor Smith,” I say in my most professional tone. “It’s been my pleasure. And now, back to the studio to get the weather report.”
We remain with fixed smiles on our faces for a couple of moments to give the technical team to move things over smoothly, then we relax as Christopher lets us know that it’s time to relax once more. My face falls, my aching cheeks are glad of the break, and I turn back to look at Mayor Smith, but he’s already pulled his cell phone out to scroll through… well, I imagine social media sites. That’s the norm for these people.
“Thank you,” I practically whisper to him. I don’t want to disturb him, I’ve gotten myself in trouble that way before. For some people, once the interview is done, that’s it. They don’t ever even want to look at me again. I suppose that could be offensive but I choose not to take it that way. “Okay, right well I’m going to…”
I push myself into a standing position and move over to Christopher. He’s giving me a frown which makes me panic at first, my brain spins over everything that might have gone wrong, but I soon see he’s frowning at the Mayor. I guess he’s taking offense to the rudeness which doesn’t trouble me one bit.
“Did everything go okay?” I still need to confirm this. Much as I act like I’m confident, deep down I still have a lot of insecurities. I’m so new at this, just because it’s been a few months, doesn’t make it easier.
“Yes, that was brilliant. You were a shining star as always. The audience will love you.”
I can’t help but laugh at his little joke. I do get on well with Christopher, much better than any of the others. Every so often, I wonder if it might teeter into flirting, but I won’t get caught up in it. Everyone knows about me and Jordan anyway, so he can’t seriously think anything will happen. It’s all just for fun.
“Good, good. And do we have a lot else to do?” I glance at my watch.
“Why, you got plans?”
“Erm, yeah, actually.” I smile at my weekend plan. “I’m going to see my friend from college for the weekend. It should be a lot of fun.” Seeing Rachel sure beats sitting around the house on my own. “It’s been a while.”
We try to see one another as much as we can, but of course, life does get in the way. Not all my weekends are spent sad and lonely, I work through a lot of them, and she has her own stuff going on too. Contrary to what she thought it would be like, going back home has been so good for her. She’s reconnected with her mom, they get on better than ever before, she adores her teaching job far more than anyone thought she might, and she’s met a nice guy too. The last time I saw her it was very early days but judging by what she posts online it’s going really well. I’m looking forward to getting the lowdown and checking out if he really treats her as well as he should.
“Oh, well that’s awesome. Me, Michelle, and some of the others are headed out for drinks. I was going to see if you wanted to come along, but obviously…” He makes a sweeping gesture with his hands. “You can’t.”
“Maybe next time.” I grab some of his equipment for him. “So, shall we get out of here? I don’t want to miss my train. It’s already a long enough journey without me making it worse for myself.”
Christopher chuckles and nods. “Fair enough, I would be keen to leave too. Let’s get out of here.”
We both half-heartedly wave to the Mayor and leave. As we slide into the car, I tug my hair out of the chignon, reverting back to the person I used to be before I was Ronnie. Christopher gasps in shock, I guess he hasn’t ever seen me out of work mode before which makes me laugh. Even when I go out with them I dress very smartly because as far as I’m concerned, it’s still work to me. We could always bump into people who recognize us. It’s strange that all these people who are so close to me, don’t know who I am deep down, or at least the girl I used to be. Rusty, or Veronica. The girl who only wore a dress once in a blue moon.
I guess I kind of miss her a little bit.
At least I get to be her for a while. There isn’t any chance of me being recognized where Rachel lives. I can be free to just have fun. I really need that, especially if there’s something going on in Afghanistan. I need to forget about that or it’ll eat me up alive. I can’t do anything about it, not while I’m in America, so really, what’s the point of worrying. No, I need to just let my hair down, have a good time, and catch up with my old friend. Right now, she’s the one I need to concentrate on, she’s the one who needs my focus.
“You look nice with your hair down,” Christopher comments in a breezy way. “You should wear it that way more often.”
“Hmm, yeah. Maybe I will.”
I already know that I won’t. Not at the moment anyway. When Jordan is home I will. I’m still myself around him too.
12
Jordan
The world is chaos. Well, this world is chaos at least. Sometimes I get so sucked into the hell of war that I forget the other countries out there. I don’t even remember Veronica and the lovely home that we share, I forget about America completely, and all the people in it, even thou
gh that’s why we’re doing all of this.
How can I remember anything when we’re in the desert and there is a constant very high level of danger? Bombs, assassins, terrorists… that’s always something that we need to fear, and things are getting worse. The men I’m fighting with and alongside have been here for far too long. We’re getting sick, exhausted, illness runs through the group like wildfire. Thank God we’re all headed home soon, we need that. We need a break before this break us all. Some of us are already broken, morale is at an all-time low, we need an escape.
Is it how I thought it would be? How Brandon sold it? In some ways, very much so. I do have the group of friends I craved back in college, this is an experience that we’ll only ever share with one another which will bond us for life. I know I won’t ever lose contact with these men who’ve risked their lives for me and I have them. It’s impossible to give up a bond that strong, I won’t ever get it from anyone else. He was right about that.
And the money… that’s great too. I’m definitely set for life which is awesome. I have a great wage, an awesome pension, and benefits climbing out the walls… but the good money is for a reason. It’s danger money because we put ourselves through hell every single day. Every second is a rick, we could always be taken or captured, killed or tortured, maimed in the most horrific way possible. It’s scary. Always.
As for the travel… well, I suppose that’s happened, but it isn’t exactly ideal destinations. If I ever encounter Brandon again I’ll have words with him for using that as a selling point. This isn’t where I want to be.
