by Chloe Seager
Steph. Steph. Steph. S-t-e-p-h.
Nothing makes sense any more.
When did she start liking Andy more than me? Did I change? When did I become so unlovable?
Why did I ever buy that hideous green jumpsuit in Year 9?
I loathe myself.
posted by EditingEmma 20.07
You know what doesn’t help self-loathing? Eating twenty profiteroles.
posted by EditingEmma 22.07
A Pearl of Motherly Wisdom
My mother, i.e. the woman who felt musically satisfied by listening solely to Nilsson’s ‘Without You’ for over a decade, just told me I must stop watching Gilmore Girls.
Clearly, something in my life needs to change. Thank you, and goodnight.
Tuesday, 25 November
posted by EditingEmma 08.01
Lurking around at home again. Today was easier, because Mum left before I would have left for school. I just watched her drive off.
I wonder if I can watch Gilmore Girls at the same time as staring at photos of Steph?
posted by EditingEmma 08.34
Easy. Laptop in one hand, phone in the other. I’m surprised by what an amateur question that was, really.
posted by EditingEmma 12.01
Got a message from Gracie, asking me when I was coming back. Never, is the answer. Thinking about it, I could actually stay in here for ever. Seriously. I could call up the school and tell them we’re moving. The school would think I’d left, Mum would think I was still at school and, hey presto!, all along I was just in my room. Then when it was time to go to uni, I could tell Mum I’d got a place etc., etc., she’d probably give me some funds to set me up for a term or something and then I could just move upstairs into the attic. It would be a bit of an adjustment but I’d be fine… Probably… That guy in Black Christmas was fine, right? It was everyone else who got murdered.
posted by EditingEmma 18.14
Another message from Gracie. Ughhh. I’ve been ignoring them so far but I might have to answer soon:
Are you coming in tomorrow Emma? 16.31
I guess not. Call me later? 16.47
Are you OK? 17.12
Did something happen with Steph? 17.40
Do you want to talk about it? 17.41
OK obviously you don’t want to talk 18.10
But please tell me you’re not sitting in darkness staring at her picture? 18.11
And then I burst into tears. Because I am. I am sitting in darkness staring at her picture. And it’s awful. All these feelings and memories from my horrible summer spent sitting pining over Leon are flooding back. But this is worse.
Evidence: Clearly it is just as easy to get obsessed with friends over social media as it is a ghosting ex-boyfriend. Who knew?
Aghhhhh. HOW did I end up back here?! Making myself miserable, stalking someone over the internet?! This is completely going against my resolutions… I had meant ‘no stalking’ in relation to boys, but this is just as unhealthy…as well as completely, utterly absurd. This is Steph we’re talking about. STEPH.
I’ve been convincing myself she doesn’t care any more. That I’m too immature for her now. That she’s moving away from me and moving on with her life. But I don’t know that. Maybe she’s been upset, too. Maybe I’ll go in tomorrow and we’ll sort this out.
Sent Gracie a message back:
I’ll be in tomorrow x 18.12
Wednesday, 26 November
posted by EditingEmma 08.29
Just got into school. I’m even a little bit early. Feeling so nervous about seeing Steph that I turned around and started walking home several times. But I’m here now.
Right.
I’ve got her tickets in my pocket. The plan when she gets here is… I’ll say I’m sorry I got so drunk and explain about being upset, I’ll give them to her, and then she’ll say sorry for not waking me up and taking Andy, and everything will be wonderful and rosy and yes. Everything will be fine.
It’s going to be painful to talk about it but ultimately friendship strengthening, I bet. I’m almost excited for all the emotions we’re going to share. We’ll probably both cry.
posted by EditingEmma 08.44
Steph came in and my heart started POUNDING. She glanced at me as she was walking over, and you know when it becomes like there’s only you and one other person in the room? Well, I had that. Whatever Gracie was babbling about next to me got completely tuned out. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for our dramatic make up.
Then, in the middle of my preparations, she sat down…and started talking to Gracie!!! (Who, as it turned out, was talking about the proper way to care for koi carp.)
Is that IT?!
… Do I mean nothing to her?! Was I right? Was she was totally fine this whole time, whilst I sat in darkness pining over pictures of us from when we still thought wearing matching hats was a really cool thing to do?
OK, then… I guess she doesn’t need my apology. She can just take Andy to everything from now on. Which is clearly what she wants to do anyway.
I don’t believe I’ve spent all this time trying to give her space and be a good friend, and being so upset about our argument… and it seems like she hasn’t been thinking about me at all.
posted by EditingEmma 14.01
Salt In My Wound
I don’t believe it. When I came into Maths, Steph wasn’t sitting in her usual place, i.e. next to me. She was sitting next to… wait for it…
Boring Susan.
BORING SUSAN.
I kid you not. I’ve legitimately been abandoned by my best friend, for Boring bloody Susan. I think if someone had stolen from me or…poisoned me…I’d still rather sit next to them than Susan.
I walked over to them.
‘Hey?’ I said, questioningly.
‘Oh hey.’ She looked up from her book. ‘Mr Crispin asked me to sit here today, because Susan missed the first few days. She needs to copy my notes.’
‘I was in Wales,’ said Susan. It really is amazing how anyone could get their voice so monotone. Quite a skill.
‘OK,’ I said.
Steph went back to her book and I walked away. If sitting next to Boring Susan instead of me isn’t a sign she doesn’t care any more, then I don’t know what is.
Now I’m sitting next to Gracie. I just caught Steph’s eye (was bound to happen at some point, given how all I’m doing is staring at her). Damnit!! I won’t give her the satisfaction of thinking I’m pining for her!
Who cares about Steph anyway? Because I have Gracie. My new Maths buddy. And we’re going to have tons of fun.
TONS. OF. FUN.
Every time Gracie says something I laugh really, really loudly.
‘What’s so funny?’ Gracie asked.
‘Er, what you just said…’ I said, craning my neck to see Steph and Boring Susan.
‘Move the decimal point?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘Hilarious. You should do stand-up.’
Then she sighed. What’s wrong with her? Does she not realize we’re supposed to be having tons of fun?
posted by EditingEmma 14.29
This Is Going To Be Harder Than I Thought
After about ten minutes, Gracie slammed down her pen and said, ‘Emma. Please stop talking.’
‘I…what?’ I stuttered.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, biting her lip.‘I know you and Steph mess around during lessons… And I’m sorry she’s sitting with Susan.’
‘Oh, really?’ I said. ‘I hadn’t noticed.’
She rolled her eyes.
‘But, I’m not Steph. I don’t want to mess around. I…well… if I’m going to get into Cambridge to do engineering, I have to do well in Maths.’
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I understand.’
Gracie looked quite relieved and went back to her books.
Right. I’m clearly going to have to readjust here. Somehow I’m going to have to have to make it appear to Steph as if we are having tons of fun, without
actually interacting with Gracie at all.
posted by EditingEmma 15.04
BRILLIANT. I’ve definitely cracked it. What can I say? Some can solve Maths problems, some can solve life problems. So every time Gracie works out a new fraction or something, I peer at her book all wide-eyed and scandalized, like she’s written me a really hilarious, secret note. Then I do a fake, silent laugh, which Steph won’t know is silent because she’s on the other side of the room and couldn’t hear me anyway. And, because the laugh is silent, it won’t disturb Gracie either.
Ingenious!!
posted by EditingEmma 15.15
Or not. After five minutes of fake-scandalized-laughing, Gracie turned round to me and said,‘Emma. Please stop peering over my shoulder and fake laughing. It’s really off-putting.’
‘What?! I’m just, um, intrigued by your mathematical methods.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re trying to make Steph jealous. A) It’s not working and B) I’ve only been sitting next to you for one lesson, and I’m already lagging behind.’
‘All right, all right, I’ll stop. Sorry.’
Translation: I clearly have to be more subtle. Now, what else to do…
posted by EditingEmma 15.20
I was halfway through making us matching graph paper hats when Gracie said, ‘That’s IT. I’m sorry, Emma, I’m moving seats!!’
‘What?!?!’ I yelped. ‘I wasn’t peering at you!’
‘No, you were trying to put a hat on my head.’
‘Very, very slowly, so you wouldn’t notice.’
She bit her lip. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.’
Then she GOT UP AND LEFT.
SHE LEFT ME!!!!
I can’t believe I have been abandoned by not one, but TWO best friends.
Evidence: In trying to focus on my friends, I’ve somehow driven away all my friends. How did that happen?
posted by EditingEmma 18.09
Back home now. And I am mad. I am really, really mad. I just spent the last two days of my life pining over someone who’d rather sit next to Boring Susan in Maths than me. Screw stalking Steph! Why should I sit here moping over her, when she doesn’t even care about me any more?
You know who will always care about me? Me. Through the good times and the bad, me and me are always mighty good friends. Back to my ME resolution, i.e. staring mindlessly at my own various social media profiles.
Yes. This is brilliant. Who needs other people when you can entertain yourself by looking back through your old posts and making yourself laugh? They were so long ago that you’ve forgotten what you wrote, and it’s like having a friend with the EXACT same sense of humour as you.
Evidence: The friendship mission is solved. I AM MY OWN NEW FRIEND.
Thursday, 27 November
posted by EditingEmma 11.06
Faith sat down next to me at break.
‘Emma, it’s Hope’s engagement party tomorrow, will you be my plus one?’
‘Of course!’ I said. I’d been stewing over Steph all morning, but I felt my mood lift a little bit.
We ate in silence for a moment.
‘Look,’ said Faith,‘I know what you’re thinking. Why aren’t I taking Claudia? Well, it’s not for the reasons you think. Well, obviously I would need to come out to my parents first. But even if I had told them, it’s actually just too soon in the relationship to introduce her to my ENTIRE family, all right?’
‘Yes, I…’
‘And just because people are in relationships, doesn’t mean they have to start automatically taking them to everything instead of their mates.’
‘No, I know…’
‘So you can stop with all your questions.’
‘I didn’t say anything!’
Faith sniffed. ‘You were saying it in your mind.’
I actually wasn’t thinking anything other than, Thank God someone wants to spend time with me, but I just nodded.
posted by EditingEmma 13.10
Sacré-Bleu!
Something big has happened. I was just about to bite into my lunchtime KitKat, when Gracie sat down next to me with a very grave look on her face.
‘Emma, did you see that Anna and Leon broke up again?’
The KitKat hung in the air. Had Anna broken up with Leon because of me? Did she not listen to what I said?! I looked at Gracie’s phone.
Leon Naylor is single
1 hr
The sight that last term had me floating on air just made my heart sink. I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve honestly had enough of all this drama. If it’s absolutely nothing to do with me, then fine, obviously they can carry on and do what they like, but if this is anything to do with what Anna said to me in the girls’ toilets then it’s completely ridiculous.
UGH. I have to find her.
posted by EditingEmma 13.15
Operation Get Anna Alone
I keep lurking round corners, waiting for my opportunity. I feel like a serial killer. And also, a little bit more empathetic for anyone trying to get a girl on their own to ask them on a date. I mean seriously, it had never really bothered me until this very moment, but why do girls travel in packs?! Her stupid friend Patricia follows her everywhere. She can barely bend down to tie her shoelace without Patricia, my new arch-nemesis, getting in there first.
I peer round the corner at Anna, opening up her Tupperware of delicious muffins and sharing them round. Ugh, they’re never going to go away now there’s free food involved!!
posted by EditingEmma 13.17
I really want a muffin. Why aren’t I friends with Anna, again?
posted by EditingEmma 13.20
FINALLY thought I might get her when she went to the loo, but then, lo and behold, Patricia got in my way yet again!!!
Anna got up and it was like a little alarm bell went off in Patricia’s head. I saw her looking around her, all distressed. Panic. Panic. I cannot possibly coexist for five seconds without attaching myself to Anna’s side. Who am I when I am not standing next to Anna? Identity crisis. Identity crisis. Then she seized her bag and went scurrying after her.
Are you kidding me?!
GO AWAY PATRICIA.
Seriously, if Anna ever went missing, Patricia’s is the first door I’d be knocking on. She probably sleeps with a little Anna doll made out of Anna’s real hair and fingernail cuttings.
posted by EditingEmma 13.36
FINALLY
Eventually, I decided I was clearly just going to have to approach Anna and her Siamese twin. I saw them going off on a little walk and ran down the end of the corridor so that I could pretend to just ‘bump into them’ coming the opposite direction. It kind of went like this:
Anna and Patricia are approaching.
They don’t seem to have noticed me.
STOP GIGGLING AND NOTICE ME.
Oh God, what do I do?!
Don’t come off like you’re ambushing her.
DON’T come off like you’re ambushing her.
‘HI, ANNA,’ I yelled, stepping across her.
Yep, definitely came across like I was ambushing her.
‘Er, hi, Emma?’ she said.
Patricia was looking at me all frowny. I was still standing over Anna a bit, and I’m quite a lot taller than her so it probably all seemed vaguely threatening. I stepped back, trying not to tower.
‘Hey, can we, er, chat?’ I asked.
‘Sure,’ she said.
I looked at Patricia, but she didn’t get the hint. Just carried on standing there.
‘Are you all right?’ asked Anna.
‘Um, yes, fine,’ I said, leaning ‘casually’ on the wall. Oh God, NOW it looked like I was coming on to her!! Seriously, why can I never just convey normal body language?! I ploughed on. ‘I just wanted to check. I mean, I just wanted to check you, uh…remembered what I said at Battle of the Bands?’
She nodded. ‘I remember.’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘It’s just I…um, I saw that…’ I stop
ped.
‘You saw me and Leon broke up?’ Anna asked.
‘Well, yeah.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Anna. ‘I don’t still think he’s cheating on me.’
‘Oh, OK,’ I said, exhaling. ‘All right, well, cool, sorry. I just didn’t want you to have the wrong idea. All right, see you later.’ I smiled awkwardly and tried running off. I was thinking, thank GOD this conversation is over.
‘He still likes you, though,’ she said, to my retreating back.
I stopped.
I turned.
‘Eh?’ I said.
Patricia was staring at us both, wide-eyed in horror.
‘He wasn’t cheating on me, technically, but it didn’t matter.’ She shrugged. ‘He was still going through his old conversations with you. It’s hardly the dream relationship,’ she said.
‘Um…’ I said, like the sharp-witted intellectual I am.
‘Anyway, I decided I’m not going to be picked up and benched when it suits him,’ she continued.
‘Uh, what?’ I asked.
‘I mean, I’m not going to be second best,’ she said.
Patricia was flipping her head backwards and forwards between us. She waited, anticipating my response. Suddenly, I had the overwhelming urge to start singing ‘Independent Women’, but stopped myself.
‘No, I can’t imagine that somehow,’ I said, finally.
Then Anna sort of smiled. And I sort of smiled. Patricia still looked aghast. Then her and Patricia wandered off.
Obviously, there’s a lot to discuss here, but first things first. WHAT is benching?!
posted by EditingEmma 14.16
Benching Is Real
Now I get what on Earth she was talking about. The urban dictionary definition of ‘benching’:
Benching is when you start dating someone you think is nice and who has potential, but you’re not crazy about them. You don’t know whether to keep dating them, or dump them and move on to the next one. This is where benching happens; instead of going for either of the above polarized options, you put your date in your mental ‘maybe’ folder and ‘bench them’ so you date around to see what else is out there.
