by Chloe Seager
Talking to Faith and Gracie about my kissing Leon. When I told them, Gracie clapped her hands dramatically to her cheeks and Faith raised one eyebrow as if to say, Knew it.
‘What do you think it means?’ I asked.
‘For God’s sake, Emma.’ Faith shook her head. ‘You initiated it. Surely that means you don’t have to ask.’
‘You would think that, Faith,’ I replied. ‘But apparently my own actions are just about as mysterious to me as someone else’s.’
Faith sighed.
‘Well let’s try and figure it out,’ said Gracie helpfully.‘What were you thinking when you did it?’
‘Um. His lips look nice.’
‘Right. And how was the kiss?’
‘Good.’
‘And how did you feel afterwards?’
‘Umm…Good.’
‘I’ve got it!’ said Faith. ‘I know what it all means!’
She leaned in to us. I waited with baited breath for her pearl of wisdom.
‘It means…you wanted to kiss Leon,’ she said.
Then I got my fake pepper spray out of my bag and threatened her with it.
posted by EditingEmma 12.31
CAN Girls And Boys Be Friends?
I don’t believe it. After all my objections and eye-rolling and total, complete confidence in Gracie’s breathtaking wrongness…she has actually managed to seed doubt in my mind. A tiny, tiny seed…barely visible…but still in existence. An amoeba seed.
‘Emma,’ she started cautiously, as we were walking to class. ‘Feelings about Leon aside. How do you think Charlie’s going to react to this?’
I groaned. ‘Gracie. Charlie. Does. Not. Like. Me.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I’m sure,’ I said. ‘I know in my bones that we are just friends, in the way I know in my bones that you and I are just friends.’
‘OK,’ she said. ‘But he seems to really care about you. You know, constantly asking why you’re not going to the design room, which I would also like to know, by the way, and letting you dress him in those stupid graph paper hats.’
‘Hey! He likes those hats!’
She wrinkled her nose. ‘If you say so,’ she said. ‘But I think you should talk to him about the Leon thing.’
And suddenly, there it was…the seed. It formed. And now I can’t un-form it.
Is it possible he likes me? Am I really that blind?
posted by EditingEmma 14.27
Faith Is WAY Too Honest
‘Claudia’s coming on Saturday, by the way, Emma,’ said Faith on the way to Art. ‘She’s excited to see your stuff.’
The thought of the show sent me into mild panic, so I changed the subject.
‘Is she sleeping over at yours after?’ I asked.
She raised her eyebrows. ‘What do you think?’
‘But really, you could have her over for sleepovers. My mum would put up a penis-repellant force field around my bedroom if she could. But I mean…your parents wouldn’t know she was anything more than a friend, right?’
‘If I lied, you mean, then yes.’
‘But…given that you’ve had to sort of lie this whole time and it’s been so rubbish for you…might as well use it to your advantage now?’
‘That’s Emma logic. I’m not interested in Emma logic.’
‘Fine, fine. I was mainly joking anyway.’
‘Sure you were.’
I thought for a moment.
‘Seriously though, is having a relationship making it harder for you? You know, to omit the truth? Do they know about Claudia at all?’
Faith paused.
‘They’ve heard of her. Did you finish your textiles piece?’
And that’s all I was getting…
posted by EditingEmma 16.59
The Mythical ‘Slag’
After school I tried slipping off to the tech room instead of walking home with Faith and Gracie like normal, but Gracie caught up with me.
‘All right, that’s it,’ she said. ‘Emma, what are you doing?!’
‘My homework,’ I said.
‘I can see that,’ she said.
‘Then why did you ask?’
‘I meant it like, what are you doing?’
‘I thought you loved homework, Ms Cambridge Immerse.’
‘I love homework,’ she said. ‘But you don’t.’
‘Well, people change. Isn’t this a positive improvement?’
She made a face. ‘Yeah, it would be, if you were actually doing it because you wanted to do your homework.’
‘Why else would I be doing it?!’ I rounded on her.
‘Because you’re avoiding your phone.’
I opened my mouth. I closed my mouth.
‘You haven’t posted anything in days,’ she carried on. ‘You aren’t replying to anyone’s messages. You just sit around burying yourself in French verbs… and… and…secretly kissing Leon!!’
‘Je yaourte,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘It means, literally, I yoghurt. It describes the act of singing in a language one doesn’t know very well or is making up.’
Gracie folded her arms.
‘Don’t try to cute your way out of this. I’m not dropping it.’
‘But if I hadn’t studied so much, how would we ever know about yoghurting?!’
‘I…’
Then Faith came over.‘Why are you shouting about yoghurt?’
‘I’m trying to get Emma to tell us what’s up,’ Gracie said.
They both looked at me. I sighed.
‘All right, fine,’ I said, and told them about what happened.
For a moment they both said nothing.
‘Oh, Emma!’ said Gracie. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’
‘That’s horrible!’ said Faith.
‘Can I see the picture?’ asked Gracie.
I showed her.
‘You don’t look like a slag at all!’ she cried.
‘Ugh, SO not the point,’ said Faith.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Gracie.
‘A “slag” is not a thing.’
‘What?’ repeated Gracie.
‘It’s a term that perpetuates the ideal of a virginal, virtuous woman and shames her for her sexual enjoyment and choice of clothing.’
Gracie blinked. ‘Well, maybe, but it still exists.’
‘No. It doesn’t. Because if you call someone a slag, thus perpetuating this ideal, you’re implying something negative about anyone who doesn’t conform to it, and FACT: enjoyment of sexuality and…daring clothing…are not negative things. Therefore the word refers to something that doesn’t exist.’
Gracie blinked again.‘Well, whatever, but the word still exists.’
‘Ugh, fine, OK,’ said Faith, ‘the word exists but it’s a gross word and refers to something that doesn’t exist so shouldn’t be a word that exists.’
‘How are you doing at Philosophy, Faith?’ I asked.
‘Got ninety per cent on my last essay, thanks.’
‘So what about a girl who slept with ten men in one night? Would you call her a slag?’ continued Gracie.
‘Ugh!! And there’s my main problem!! You said “girl”! You would never call a man a slag.’
‘I would,’ said Gracie, ‘I would call him a man-slag.’
‘Exactly!!!’ cried Faith. ‘Man-slag already implies something different. Makes it like a joke. As if a guy can’t really be a slag but a girl can.’
Gracie considered. ‘I’ve never thought of it like that before…’
‘A slag is not a thing,’ continued Faith. ‘Emma, that outfit is sexy, and daring, and you can dress however you want to dress. Come on, let’s go home.’
I agree with her logically. I really do. But whilst my logical brain is telling me she’s right, I think about that comment and I get this knot in the pit of my stomach, made up of shame and insecurity, and then my illogical brain thinks maybe it would be easier to stop designing clothe
s and stay offline.
I think I’m glad I told someone and I appreciate them trying to help, but neither of them seemed to quite get it. Gracie sort of missed the point, and Faith’s intellectual responses don’t always work for me at solving feelings. I keep thinking about what Steph would have said.
Thursday, 18 December
posted by EditingEmma 12.05
I’m A Hallway Creep
It happened again!!! I don’t believe it… My lips have a life of their own!!
I was just heading to English after break and I moved too quickly and spilled lots of stuff out of my bag. Leon was coming in the other direction and he bent down to help me.
‘Here,’ he said. ‘You forgot your, er…pepper spray?’ He looked at the object in his hand, totally bemused, and then just started laughing. Like really, really laughing. And then I started laughing. And we just stood there laughing and laughing in the corridor when everyone else had gone to lessons, and our laughter was echoing round the empty hallway which made us laugh even more. Then I got out my rape alarm in one hand, pepper spray in the other, and started swinging them around, and we laughed harder.
‘I’ve missed you,’ Leon half snorted.
We were looking at each other, still laughing, and suddenly it just wasn’t funny any more. Suddenly I just had to grab him and kiss him again. I pulled him in and put my lips on his and it was just so…easy. So unbelievably easy. And then there we were, making out in the corridor, when everyone else had gone for lessons.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?
Eventually, I managed to break off. I pulled away and yelled, ‘I’m late for English!’
‘So what’s new?’ he said, and kissed me again.
And now I am super, super late. So late that Ms Parker told me to go away again. So late that I’m just sitting back outside in the empty corridor, feeling dazed and weird and thinking about everything. Thinking about Leon. Thinking about Steph. Thinking about my stupid lips that keep kissing when I didn’t instruct them to. Thinking about how I never ever want to go back onto social media. It’s funny…normally I wouldn’t mind being kicked out of lessons so much, but today I could really, really use the distraction.
Leon messaged me.
You know, you looked quite intimidating striding towards me swinging your rape alarm and wielding your pepper spray.x 11.59
Still thinking about it, eh? x 12.00
I don’t expect that mental image will ever go away. x 12.00
Aghghghghgh. What is this craziness?! So I guess we’re talking again, then? Or just kissing again? Yargghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
What should I be feeling about this?
posted by EditingEmma 13.50
Sitting In The Tech Lab
You know what, for once I am not going to analyse how I feel about this. There is no ‘should be feeling about this’. I kissed Leon. Twice.
So what?
Really, we’re all just animals, aren’t we? We like to think we’re above being animals, but we’re not. Animals don’t have to think about or justify what they’re doing. And who am I to argue with the circle of life?
No, I shall not think about le baiser any more. I will just sit here and learn more French. So I can communicate with some other animals, just like me, over in France.
posted by EditingEmma 13.56
Gracie Turns Detective
Gracie came into the sixth form centre and sat down next to me, unfolding a little piece of paper.
It read:
Gracie’s List of Suspects
Hannah Condom
Cyber-bullying you in return?
Kayleigh Spencer
Getting you back for lying?
Pet grief sent her over the edge?
Anna
Could still be upset about the Leon thing?
Greg
Could still be upset about being dumped? Felt angry again after seeing you at BOB?
‘That’s all I have, so far,’ she said. ‘But I think we should try and find out who’s doing this.’
‘Hannah Condom?!’ I scoffed. ‘Come on!’
‘She did seem pretty upset…’
‘I explained to her friends it was a big misunderstanding. Cross her off. And Kayleigh, she was too nice.’
‘What about Anna?’
‘Anna is way over this,’ I said. ‘She seems so calm.’
‘Maybe she’s only calm because she’s getting her revenge behind your back.’
I pressed my lips together. ‘And Greg?’
‘He’s clearly not over you,’ said Gracie.
‘Yeah, but… I don’t know. I just really don’t think it’s anyone I know. It’s just some random person,’ I said.
‘But why would a random person do this?’
‘I don’t know. There are lots of strange people on the internet,’ I said.
‘True. But it seems so unlikely. Who even looks at your blog except your friends?’
I shrugged. ‘It’s just some random person who thinks I’m a slag.’
‘Could you think of anyone else it might be?’ she asked.
‘No,’ I mumbled.
I had this nagging feeling, then. Because I wasn’t being totally honest with her. But I stayed quiet.
‘Well, last time… It was someone who knew you.’
She looked down at her shoes.
‘Yeah, but… That was different. You would never go online and call me names.’
‘I am still really, really sorry you know,’ she said quietly.
‘Oh my God, Gracie, we’re so past this.’ I hugged her. ‘But I’m sorry too. I’m so happy we’re not there any more.’
‘Me too. I smug hhoooo,’ she said into her coat.
‘What?’
‘I love you,’ she said.
‘I love you too,’ I said.
Then I wanted to cry. But I didn’t, because I have enough things that make me want to cry, without adding things that actually make me happy to the list.
posted by EditingEmma 15.01
Staring At Gracie’s List Of Suspects
In Maths. Could Gracie be right? Could it be someone I know?
That sort of makes it worse, somehow…
Ugh. I can’t believe I’m back here. Thinking about who might have done something horrible to me on the internet. I think this time is actually worse. Messaged Gracie.
Can I come over after school? X 14.49
Yeah sure x 14.50
‘Are you all right?’ asked Charlie, who was wearing his graph paper capotain.
‘I’m OK,’ I said quickly. What Gracie said about him has been playing on my mind.
‘OK,’ he said, touching my shoulder.
I repeat: he touched my shoulder.
DOES he like me?
I really, really don’t have time or head space for this right now.
posted by EditingEmma 16.25
Back at Gracie’s
‘All right, so I lied to you earlier. There is one other person I can think of,’ I said.
‘Who?!’ Gracie opened a Dairy Milk bar and stared at me.
‘Give me the list.’
She fumbled in her coat pocket and handed it over. I wrote:
Dev
Because I had random…um…sexy chat with him online?
‘Which would be completely unfair because he was there too, but hey, that’s the sexist world we live in,’ I added, putting the lid back on my pen.
Gracie was open-mouthed, Dairy Milk bar forgotten.
‘WHO is DEV?!’ she yelped.
‘Ugh, keep your voice down, all right!!! He’s this…’ I buried my head in my hands. ‘Ugh, he’s friends with Steph’s cousin. Me and Steph both used to, um, talk to him…’
‘And what did you “talk” to him about?!’
‘Um…venting our frustrations.’
‘EMMA!!!’ Gracie screeched.‘I can’t believe you had cyber sex!!’
‘OK, whatever it was, it was NOT cyber sex.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?!’
‘Agh, because it’s EMBARRASSING all right. I’m basically still a thirteen-year-old.’
Gracie put her hand on my shoulder, then. ‘Emma, why did you feel embarrassed?! I thought we’d moved on from that.’
‘We have. It’s not you,’ I said. ‘I was just ashamed. I don’t know.’
‘Why?’
‘I’m so horny, Gracie.’ I put my head on her shoulder.
‘I’m so horny, too!!’ she giggled.
‘I thought you don’t even masturbate,’ I said.
She bit her lip.
‘All right, I’m only telling you this because you’re really, really down.’
‘What?’ I said.
She looked around her, as though we weren’t alone in her bedroom.
‘…I do masturbate,’ she said, wincing.
There was silence as she waited for my response to this giant revelation.
‘I figured,’ I said.
‘Ugh, you’re so rude!’ she exclaimed.
‘What?! Why?!’
‘Because that was a big thing for me to admit.’
‘All right, all right, sorry! OMG!’ I slapped my hands to my cheeks in mock horror.
Gracie pursed her lips.
‘If I actually didn’t masturbate, that would be OK too, you know, Emma.’
‘Yeah, of course, but I knew you were lying!’ I laughed.
‘Well, anyway, there you go. So now you know I’m the same.’
‘No no,’ I said.‘I’m sorry. Admitting that you masturbate is not the same as going to some creepy boy who refers to himself as “Godlike Dev” for internet sexy chat.’
‘You didn’t mention the “Godlike” part.’
‘Well, now you know.’
She pursed her lips even tighter.
‘All right. Fine. I’ll tell you something else. But you have to swear, swear you’ll never tell anyone!’
‘I swear.’
‘Swear on Amy Sherman-Palladino.’
‘I swear! What did you do?!’
She buried her head in her hands.
‘I bet it’s not that bad,’ I said.
‘It’s bad.’
‘I bet it’s not.’
‘It’s bad!’
‘Prove it, then. Go on.’
She sighed. ‘Oh my God, it’s so, so bad. The other day… everyone was out of the house.’
