by Sean Kennedy
“So, any questions?”
“I have one,” someone yelled out, and Micah didn’t have to guess.
“Boyd? Sure.”
Micah should have been surprised that Dec knew him already, but it would just be like Dec to try to learn every boy’s name before he had to work with them. Or, more likely, he already knew, as he would have been following the draft process and was aware of the most likely contenders.
“Look,” Boyd said, standing with his hands on his hips. “It’s all nice and everything to talk about social justice and human rights, but it never gets taken into account how the normal people feel.”
“Well, first I’d have to question your use of the word ‘normal,’” Dec said with an edge.
“You know what I mean.”
“Well, I think I know what you mean, but it’s also bordering on offensive if you’re implying that anyone who isn’t white and straight isn’t normal.”
“But that’s it, isn’t it?” Boyd asked. “We all have to be so bloody sensitive all the time just in case we hurt somebody’s feelings. We’re here to play football, not to use good manners.”
“No reason why you can’t do both,” Dec said. “And it’s not asking you to be sensitive. It’s just asking you to try not to be an arsehole.”
There was an excited chatter among the boys. Micah couldn’t read the mood in the air, whether they were on Dec’s or Boyd’s side, or whether they were just excited to hear yet another AFL player swear at them.
“But no one seems to care how we feel,” Boyd said. He looked like he was starting to get pissed off.
“And how do you feel?” Dec asked.
“I think that we should feel safe. Like, I know I don’t want any gay guys in the change rooms, where they can check me out. Girls wouldn’t want to share their change rooms with guys.”
“So you’re saying men are unable to control themselves?” Dec asked. “Because that’s going to be another talk altogether tomorrow.”
“Will you be handling the girl talk?” Boyd asked. “Because you may not have the experience.”
There was a stunned silence. And judging by the look on Boyd’s face, even he realised he had gone too far.
“You might need some extra counselling on the issue of respect,” Dec said.
By now Micah was past fuming. The level of disrespect just shown to Dec was unbelievable, and the fact that no other coach had stepped in to reprimand Boyd reminded Micah that when it came down to it, the gays could really only count on themselves.
And so, as usual, Micah found himself on his feet and mouthing off. He didn’t even wait for Dec to acknowledge him. “To take the point Boyd so eloquently made, I would like to know exactly how they would segregate the gay players from the normals, and how it would be enforced for the safety of the normal players?”
“Once again, I’d like to take issue with the word ‘normal,’” Dec began.
“Just sit down, Johnson,” Boyd yelled across the quadrant.
Micah turned to him and directed his questioning. “Are you going to ask everyone to prove their heterosexuality before they get in the door? Produce proof that they have a girlfriend? Because, newsflash, until I came out, my teammates were pretty sure I had a girlfriend. She wasn’t; she knew I was gay, and we were just friends, but she was willing to help me out so they never suspected anything.”
“Probably shouldn’t have got caught pashing your boyfriend in public, then.” Boyd looked to the other boys, expecting them to join in. There was a smattering of laughter in response.
“I think—” Dec tried to get in.
Micah rode over him. “Oh, believe me, it was more than pashing.”
Boyd actually looked a little green, but some boys laughed. Whether for him or against him, Micah couldn’t even hazard to guess.
“But maybe people should just be free to live their lives so they don’t have to resort to such a level of subterfuge.”
“That’s all right to say when you’re the one making others uncomfortable,” Boyd fired back.
“Well, maybe some people should stop obsessing about other guys looking at their dick.”
Declan briefly closed his eyes. “There may be an element of that, although I probably would have put it another way.”
“Or secretly hoping that other guys are looking at their dick,” Micah finished with a flourish.
“Let’s not go that far,” Dec said as Boyd yelled, “What the fuck are you saying, mate?”
“Oh, I’m not your mate,” Micah said. “I’m just saying you probably want to mate. With a dude.”
Boyd rushed over to Micah, who stood his ground. Before Boyd could reach him, though, a number of coaches pulled him back. Micah smirked, which only infuriated Boyd more as the coaches removed him. The smirk dropped when some approached him to do the same thing.
“And that,” Dec said with a sigh, “is why sledging can escalate into something completely worse.” The microphone squealed as he walked off stage.
“WE’VE ALREADY talked with Boyd about this, Micah,” Dec said.
“I hope you gave him the raking over the coals you gave me.” Micah stared into the distance just over Dec’s shoulder to at least try to pretend he was looking at him and giving his full attention.
“Will you look at me when you’re talking to me, please,” Dec said, but with enough of an edge to show Micah he was serious. “I’d be less worried about what was said to him, and more about what’s being said to you.”
Micah stared at him head-on, his tone dripping with scorn. “So once again the homophobe escapes punishment, and the person who stands up to them gets the shit?”
He looked across the now-empty quadrant, his eyes burning. He was flanked by Declan and Marks, who he guessed was meant to be the equivalent of his dorm mother. Although that meant he was Boyd’s dorm mother as well, and Micah already guessed whose side he would take, gay son or no.
“Nobody is getting punished,” Marks said. “It was a spirited discussion, which got a little bit out of hand.”
“A little bit out of hand? He basically wants people like me to be in separate showers from him!”
“And do you see us starting that in this camp? People like Boyd are going to have to get with the times, especially if they want to exist in a world alongside other people. And that goes for you, too, Micah. You can’t go off your head every time someone says something you don’t like. Or else you’ll never stop fighting. Did you listen to anything Declan said up on that stage?”
“He can have selective hearing,” Dec said drily.
“Well, listen to me, then,” Marks told Micah. “Dec knows what he’s talking about. And he’ll give you the best advice about how to deal with your situation—more than anybody else at this camp. You’ve had access to his knowledge for almost a year now, from what I’ve heard. Stop ignoring it.”
Marks left them without a good-bye.
Micah sat down on one of the benches in silence, his feet scuffing the dirt.
Declan took the spot next to him and let the silence settle. Micah knew silence didn’t disturb Dec—he often welcomed it.
However, Micah didn’t.
“I don’t always ignore you,” he told Dec.
“No, maybe not. But you do a great majority of the time,” Dec replied. “You know, before I had to talk to you and Boyd, I was raked over the coals myself. I had a difficult time convincing them to let me do this talk in the first place. This proved them right.”
“Why would they not want you to do the talk?”
Declan gave him the side-eye. “Because things might happen that just happened here.”
“I’m really, really sorry.” And Micah meant it. “But they must know it happens, and they have to confront it.”
“They do. But you just can’t go around looking for a fight all the time, Micah.”
“Even if other people are starting it?”
“Do you think I would have lasted two games in the lea
gue if I went after every guy who sledged me on the field?”
“You did used to fight them sometimes,” Micah reminded him.
Dec nodded. “And I had to stop that. I had Simon to help me, granted, but I also had friends like Abe who were on my team and helped pull me away before I did anything really stupid. You’re going to have to find that support too. And maybe you’ll find it by stopping being so antagonistic.”
“Well, maybe times are changing. Maybe it’s time to be angry and stop taking their shit.”
Dec’s eyes widened with fury, and Micah actually felt like jumping off the seat and running off into the hills. He had never seen Dec so angry. “You think I took their shit? I didn’t! I found other ways to deal with it. It’s time you fucking grew up, Micah. Or in a year’s time, you’re going to be sitting at home wondering why your career never got off the ground.”
“It’s not like anybody else sprang to your defence when Boyd was disrespecting you,” Micah argued. “I had to say something.”
Dec sighed, and he sounded so tired Micah almost wanted to hug him. “And do you think maybe the other coaches didn’t step in because they knew I could handle it, and if they said anything, it might weaken my position? If it wasn’t for people like Marks supporting me, and supporting this cause, I may not have even been here today. Or I would have been, as long as I didn’t start any ‘controversial’ talks. But that’s you all over, Micah. You don’t think.”
Micah couldn’t even apologise again. He felt like he had destroyed his last ally and pushed Dec too far for him to ever find his way back. When Micah didn’t say anything, Dec looked at him sadly and walked back into the main building.
Chapter 9
MICAH ATE by himself at dinner. He grabbed a tray, avoided all eye contact, and disappeared into the twilight. As it quickly became night, he sat under a tree and chewed morosely at his food, which didn’t seem to have any taste whatsoever. He knew Jack was probably wondering where he was but thought he’d survive just fine without him. He’d probably bond with some new guys and let Micah become the total pariah he deserved to be.
He didn’t know where Dec was or if he was even still in the camp. What troubled him more was that Dec hadn’t sought him out. Dec could never let an argument rest with any of the GetOut kids.
But then, Micah had never seen Dec so angry. And Micah should know, because he had pushed Dec close to the edge plenty of times.
“You gonna hide out here all night?”
Micah actually jumped, and cursed himself for looking so stupid.
“I actually called your name. You didn’t hear me,” Kyle said apologetically.
“Oh. Sorry. I wasn’t expecting anybody out here in the loser’s circle.”
“I don’t think it’s the loser’s circle. But it seems to be home to the self-pitying brigade.”
“Excuse me?” Micah asked.
“You heard me.”
“If you came out here just to piss me off—”
“Then I guess I succeeded,” Kyle said. “Doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”
“What, was your dad having a laugh, telling you all about me?”
“What’s my dad got to do with anything?”
“He doesn’t like me.”
Kyle snorted. “He doesn’t like anybody when they act like dickheads. I can tell you Boyd’s not high on his list either.”
“Yay for equality.”
“Yes, yay for equality.” Kyle sat beside him on a dank tree root. “Because at least he’s fair.”
“Did you see what happened at that talk?”
“Yes,” Kyle said. “Boyd was being a fuckwit. You don’t have to convince me of that. I’ve known him for years.”
“Poor you. How?”
“His mum is friends with mine.”
“That must make parties fun.”
“You just have to know how to deal with him, that’s all.”
“So I should have just shut up?”
Kyle picked at the bark of the root as if it were far more interesting than Micah. “Maybe you could have just waited a sec to see how Declan and the other coaches reacted. Instead you rushed in there and made it even worse. Maybe if you’d given Dec enough time, you would have seen what he was saying put into action—defusing instead of a near punch on.”
“Come on, you’re seriously telling me if that was said to you in a game, you’d just back off?”
“With the sport I play? We might have to. We have metal bats. You can do far more damage to someone than with a fist.” Kyle gave him a grin.
Micah twisted his mouth in some representation of a smile.
“There you go!” Kyle crowed. “Was that painful at all?”
“Yes,” Micah said.
“I thought so. I don’t think that muscle’s been used in a while. But at least I know you do have a sense of humour buried in there somewhere.”
Micah took a deep breath. “I feel like I lost it in the last six months, and I don’t know how to get it back properly.”
“You’ve had a tough time.”
Micah groaned. “I guess you know everything.”
“Well, yeah.”
“And you probably think I’m a major fuckup and a slut to boot.”
“I haven’t said a word.”
“You didn’t have to,” Micah said.
“No, I think you’re just guessing the worst. And you’re not a slut because you blew some guy. We all have our own stories. I’m just lucky mine isn’t as well-known as yours.”
“Want to tell me?”
Kyle laughed. “No, not just yet. I’ll save it for another night when I have to come out here and counsel your sorry arse.”
Disappointed, Micah’s thoughts turned inwards again. “I think I really fucked up.”
“You only think so?”
Micah didn’t know why he found it so easy to open up to Kyle. Maybe because he was gay too? He didn’t feel as reserved around him as he did straight boys. Kyle at least had some understanding of certain aspects of Micah’s life, and why he might react—or overreact—the way he did sometimes. “Okay, I know so. But what I’m pissed off about the most is that I upset Dec.”
“You really think a lot of him, huh?”
“I keep letting him down. And he’s never let me down, even when I’ve given him plenty of reason to.”
“Then if he keeps doing it, I doubt today’s little drama will drive him away.”
“You really think that?”
“My dad thinks a lot of him. And that says something.”
Micah didn’t know how to take that, especially as he didn’t know how much he thought of Marks at the moment. Of course Kyle would think well of him; he was his dad! “Can I ask you something?”
“I guess.”
“About your dad.”
“Don’t go asking me for ways to butter him up. It doesn’t work with him.”
“No, not that. But thanks for that mental image.”
Kyle laughed. “You’re welcome. So what’s the question?”
“It’s just, you’re gay—”
“Yes.”
“And your dad—”
“What about him?”
“Well, I don’t know him at all, but he doesn’t seem to be very supportive.”
Kyle immediately looked put on the defensive. “How?”
“Just, he knows what’s going on with Boyd—”
“Look, just because he’s not beating Davies over the head with a rainbow flag and screaming ‘Bigot!’ doesn’t mean he’s not supportive. It’s the long-term goal that matters.”
“That’s Dec’s philosophy too.”
“All coaches seem to like it.”
“It pisses me off.”
“Well, same here when my coaches apply it.”
“I thought you didn’t play football?”
“I don’t. Baseball. I gave you a huge clue earlier, what with the metal bats and things. I guess you don’t listen when the subject is someth
ing other than yourself.”
“Wow, that’s harsh.” But Micah didn’t feel offended. There didn’t seem to be any bite to Kyle’s words. “But, baseball? What, are you a wannabe Yank or something?”
“Um, I’m trying to be nice here. Maybe you could try in return?”
Slightly chastened, Micah nodded. He would leave his opinions about how baseball wasn’t a real sport for another day. “Sorry.”
“Look, my dad, I was scared when I came out to him. But you know what? It didn’t faze him. At all. And he’s always been on my side. He can be gruff, he can hardly ever talk, but he’s fair. He’s always been fair. But if you piss him off, it will take a lot to get you off his shit list.”
“So you’re saying—”
“Don’t get on his shit list.”
“I’ll try not to. You don’t think I’m already on it?”
“You’re edging closer to it,” Kyle said.
“I’m on it, but in pencil?”
“Yeah. Just don’t let it become ink.”
“Any other sage words of advice?” At Kyle’s look, Micah put his hands up. “I’m serious!”
Kyle stared him down. “Maybe lose the arrogance? Even just a little bit? I mean, I’ve been working here for a few years now, as just one job of many I need to work in order to have money to play my game. Some sports don’t get all the money thrown at them like the AFL does. And yet these guys come here every year, and they’re all strutting around like they’re warriors entering the coliseum. And they’re just jocks. That’s all they are.”
“Says the baseball player,” Micah pointed out.
Kyle laughed. “Okay, maybe I’m a jock, but we don’t have the arrogance you guys do.”
“Not all of them do. You praise your dad.”
“My dad is a little bit arrogant. At least, when he was a player.”
“Okay, but Dec isn’t.”
“He knows he’s good. Or used to be, when he played.”
“There’s a difference between knowing you’re skilled and being arrogant. Dec actually doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body. He’s one of the good guys.”
