by Anna Scott
"I feel huge, but good. Luke is driving me crazy, as usual, but aside from that, all is fine."
"Oh, before I forget, I'm not working tomorrow so I won't need you to look after Kelly."
"Okay, is everything alright?"
"Yeah, my parents are in town, they're going to take care of things at the cafe," I somewhat lied. They would be, or not, whatever, according to them, that wasn't my problem. If it was their cafe and not mine, maybe not ever mine, then they could run it or sell it or whatever made them happy. The cafe hadn't been my dream; I had wanted to work with large animals.
When I was young I had taken to the horses we had on our farm. When I was in 4-H I participated in a lot of projects, but the horse project was always my favorite. My mare, Stormy had been my best friend until she was injured when I was thirteen and had to be put down. I had won so many ribbons with her at fair, that I had a box of them somewhere in the basement. I learned a lot about myself and about my own dreams and desires during those formative years.
Aurora gave me a questioning look, but didn't push. I was thankful for that. We chatted for a few minutes, while I gathered up Kelly's things and waited for her to wake from her nap. Aurora told me about Luke questioning the server at a downtown bistro a few weeks before when she had ordered some kind of fig and cheese salad. Aurora had already known the cheeses that were on the salad, but Luke wanted to make sure that everything she was going to eat was safe for her and the baby. She had been so irritated with him, that she stood in a fit of pregnancy hormone induced fury and walked out of the place. Of course, he followed after her quickly, but she had been so upset, she had started to cry. She knew that she was over reacting, but for whatever reason she hadn't been able to stop the water works. Luke had rushed back inside, tossed some money at the hostess and ran out, and taken her home. Once at home, he ordered pizza and proceeded to hold her and comfort her the rest of the evening on the couch. Just listening to her hilarious tale, I did not envy her situation, and the over wrought nerves and crazy mood swings. I felt for both of them.
Before long, Kelly woke up and we were on our way home. She chattered on and on in her sweet baby voice, telling me about her exciting day. It seemed that her nap had energized her for a fun afternoon. I set her up at the kitchen table with a coloring book and washable crayons while I started to make dinner. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and give in to my broken heart, but with Kelly there I couldn't do it.
"Look, Gilli, look," Kelly had come up behind me in the kitchen and began to tug on the bottom of my tee.
"What is it baby?"
"See, it's my mommy, she's pretty."
I looked down at the page, there was a printed picture of some princess that Kelly had scribbled a myriad of colors over. My breath caught in my throat and I had to work to stop the tears from falling. "It's beautiful, baby. You did such a good job."
I hugged her with one arm, just before she wriggled away and skipped back to the table to color some more. I thought about Missy, about the dreams she had and about how things had gone wrong for her over the years.
Kelly mentioned her everyday, asking about her, about where she was and I'd told her that her mommy had to go live with the angels in heaven. I promised her that even though she couldn't be here with us, that she was watching over Kelly all the time. I knew that Kelly didn't understand, that she couldn't grasp the concept at this tender age, but I prayed that if I continued to tell her the same thing over the years she would at least remember the feeling of her mother's love for her as she grew up. I would show her pictures and tell her funny stories, I would do everything I could do to protect her and to help her remember.
An hour later, I was cleaning up the kitchen, Kelly and I had shared an early dinner of chicken noodle soup and a baguette, when someone knocked on the front door. Kelly had gone off to find a new toy. At the sound of a visitor, she came running from her room, a brilliant smile on her beautiful face and yelled "Blazer's here, Gilli, it's Reed, it's Reed!" Sadly, I knew that it wouldn't be Reed, and I had no idea how I would deal with that situation. If things were going in the direction with him that I thought they were, Kelly was going to lose another person that she loved.
I checked the peep hole and was astonished to see my parents standing on the front porch. It was hard to discern their expressions through the distorted lens, but they almost looked contrite. Pretty sure I was wrong about that, I stepped to the side to disable the alarm system and then opened the door.
"It's not Reed and Blazer, baby, go find your baby doll and give her a bottle, okay?"
Gillian's face fell and for a moment, I wondered if she was as disappointed as I was. Since I didn't know what my parents intended to say, I didn't want Kelly to be present, in case they behaved the same way they had earlier in the cafe. The door was cracked open, but I hesitated to open it fully until she was out of the room.
Facing the people who had raised me, who had given me life, I realized that my rose colored glasses had been removed, snatched away from me and trampled on the ground. They looked older some how, both of their faces were saddened and possibly remorseful. Regardless of what they were about to say, I had no intention of giving in too easily, or giving them a free pass for hurting me so much.
I stood in the door way, leaning against the frame on one side and holding the door tight to my other, it was a clear indication that they were not welcome inside.
"Yes, may I help you with something?" I asked curtly, the coldness seeping into my tone. It was an impersonal question and compared to the way I had greeted them so warmly just a few hours before, it saddened me even more. There was no going back, nothing to be done now, but my relationship with my parents was forever tarnished.
"May we come in dear?" My father's usually deep and soothing voice cracked just a little as he held his old hat in his hands. I could see the confusion on his face, but honestly even if they were weeping and begging for my forgiveness on their knees I wouldn't ever be able to forget the way they truly felt about me. It was like the blinders had been ripped away and the truths from my past were now blazing on a neon sign in front of me. They had been kind, but neglectful, especially of my brother's abuse. My father had been gentle, but my mother was often cutting with so many of her passive aggressive statements. Rarely did she just come out with a complaint directly, but would still let her dissatisfaction with me be known. She found round about ways of telling me how frustrating a child I was for her, and my father stood by passively and allowed it to happen - well no more.
"No, I have Kelly inside and I don't want her to hear what you have to say."
"But we want to," my mother's words were cut off when I lifted my hand in front of my chest to stop her words. She didn't sound remorseful at all, and looking closer, it was my father who appeared apologetic, not my mother. She might have been contrite so she would be able to get her way, but she wasn't sorry, she had meant every word she said. I was pretty sure she was only standing on my porch now because my father had made her.
"What you want is of no consequence to me, mother. You may see Kelly when I deem it appropriate and not a moment before. I am her guardian and I will do my level best to see her raised into a healthy and strong young woman. I'll never allow someone to abuse her under my nose and ignore it." The barb hit its mark perfectly, my mother flinched with shock at those words and she looked at me in total disbelief.
"Well, I never. No one abused you. You were spoiled and indulged way too much."
"You tell yourself exactly what you want so you can live with your sins. I remember being only three years old and Adam kicking me hard in the stomach, just because I was sitting in his path. You did nothing to stop him, or his cruelty. You did nothing to protect me from him. You let it be known from the beginning that he was your favorite and that you wouldn't do anything to stand up for me."
"Lies, I can't believe you're standing there telling lies to my face."
I glared at my mother a mixture of ou
trage and sadly a lack of surprise filled me. When I glanced quickly at my father to avoid her evil glare for a moment, I noticed his confusion. He looked as though he were deep in thought. Since I had nothing more to say to my mother, possibly ever, I turned my attention fully to him and asked, "What are you doing here, father?"
"We, we came to apologize," he told me, a note of question in his words.
"Well, thanks but I think it's best if I stop that right here and you two can discuss your method of delivery a little more. I'm not sure the message you were trying to relay was successful." I took a step back and began to close the door when my father lurched forward as if he were in a trance and grabbed my forearm.
"What you said, about Adam, is it true?"
"Is what true?"
"Did he, did he hurt you?"
I couldn't stop myself, I rolled my eyes to the heavens, searching for some kind of divine intervention. "Yeah, all the time. He may not have hit me in front of you, but he sure wasn't ever nice to me and you allowed it."
"Yes, but I scolded him privately for his rudeness, and it got better, right? I didn't know he hurt you."
"No it never got better, and yes, he hit me and kicked me, pushed me and everything else he could conceivably think of all the time. Maybe he didn't hit me in front of you, but he did it right in front of your wife."
His head jerked back, and his hand fell away as he turned to look at his wife. He was flabbergasted, to be sure, but whatever their issues were, they weren't my concern any longer. I was done. I was finished with my family. It was only then that I realized that the love they showed wasn't enough. They hadn't loved me enough and it wasn't my responsibility to force them to. I couldn't be perfect enough, or pretty enough to make anyone love me, not my brother, not my parents and certainly not Reed.
The only one I needed to worry about now, was Kelly. It as my job to raise her, to fight for her and teach her that she was enough just as she was. I wouldn't allow her to bend over backward and change for anyone else to try and force them to care for her. Her mother struggled through her adolescence and adulthood, but when Kelly came along she tried to make her life better for her daughter. I would take that task on now, and do everything I could to help Kelly grow into a strong woman, no matter what had befallen her, that would be the legacy Missy left for her daughter.
I looked at my parents for another long moment, I was furious with them and with myself for giving them power over me and over my decisions. I had nothing more to give them, nothing more was I willing to do for them. I took a step back and began to shut the door, only pausing for a second when I heard my father's pained words, "Gillian, I didn't know."
It was a pitiful excuse for an apology and after everything I'd been through in the previous week, it wasn't nearly enough. I shook my head and whispered, "but you should have. It was your responsibility to protect me from Adam and from her, but you failed." I shot one last glare at the woman who was supposed to raise me, then closed the door tight. Keeping my hand against the wood for a moment, I considered my actions. The little girl inside me screamed to open the door wide and fall into my father's arms, but I wouldn't do that, not again. Instead, I slid my left hand down the smooth surface, feeling the grain of the wood until it encountered the cold metal of the lock. Turning it sharply, I engaged the alarm system once more, then went to find Kelly.
Two days passed without a word from my parents. Clark had called me three times, and I explained that the cafe wasn't officially mine, it was my parents who were responsible for it. He had heard plenty of the conversation when my parents had spoken to me in the back and he understood. When he tried to tell me what was going on, I stopped him, apologized and assured him that I didn't want to know. I hoped that they would be able to make it work, that my father's health would be good enough to run the cafe again, I didn't want to see it close since that would mean the employees would lose their jobs. That wasn't, however, in my control.
Reed had texted me twice in that time, I did respond, but only briefly. When he asked if my parents were still in town, I told him they were, since I'd heard from Clark earlier that day confirming that fact. I didn't tell Reed anything about what had happened though.
By the third day, Reed's texts began coming in more frequently, and the tone had changed. I was taken aback by the first one, not really sure how to take it after he had been so distant since seeing his ex.
Reed:Hey, precious. How's your day?
He hadn't called me precious, or any of the other endearments for a while and it surprised me. I waited a few minutes to respond, but when I finally did, I kept it light. I told him the day was fine and asked how his was going. He didn't text back right away, and by the time he did, Kelly and I were in the car on the way to visit my friend Miranda.
She and her husband Neal lived on a two-hundred and fifty-acre horse ranch about twenty minutes out of town. Their home was beautiful, an old colonial style built at least one-hundred years ago. Miranda had told me how when they first moved in, it had been a wreck, but they worked diligently to fix it up. She and Neal did most of the work themselves and now, it was a gleaming showcase. Their work truly paid off. They had done their best to bring the house back to its original beauty, refinishing the old wood floors and banisters, repairing the original plaster and replacing the old light fixtures with ones in the same style.
I had loved to ride as a child, and had kept a horse into my teen years. I had been active in my local 4 H club until I graduated high school and even after we moved to town, had been able to keep animals at the farms of different friends. Miranda and I had been close since we were girls, though of course, with her marriage taking her focus, we had drifted apart. Miranda was now giving riding lessons, helping her husband with the ranch and was very active in their rural community.
When I pulled my little SUV into the circular drive in front of their home, Kelly squealed with excitement as their chocolate lab, Dover and yellow lab, Sadie bounded down from the wrap around porch to greet us. "Puppies!" She cried, clapping her little hands in front of her face. She was bouncing so much that by the time I got to her to unlatch her seat, she was making the task difficult.
"Calm down, sweetheart, let me get you out, okay?"
"Okay!" She squealed once more, but didn't stop the clapping or bouncing. She was far too wound up to settle.
"You made it," Miranda called as she followed her dogs down the steps and toward us. I grabbed Kelly's bag, but left mine in the front seat, since I didn't need to worry about it this far away from the road, and there wasn't anything I needed in it. I heard the ding from my phone just as I shut the door, but chose to ignore it and enjoy my afternoon with my friend. I wanted to get Kelly up on a horse and I couldn't wait to get into the saddle again.
We followed Miranda inside, but when Kelly learned that the dogs stayed outside during the day, Kelly pouted for a moment until Miranda told her that there were cookies waiting on the counter. Miranda and Neal had only been married a couple of years, and didn't have children yet, but Miranda was the youngest of seven children. Her siblings had so many kids that I couldn't keep them all straight. She had a ton of experience with little ones and how to redirect their attentions.
Within the hour, we had fit Kelly with a helmet and introduced her to Wildfire. She was a beautiful mare with a gentle spirit, perfect to take Kelly out for her first ride. At first, I kept them inside the arena but soon, Kelly was ready to go. Miranda climbed up on her own mount and led us out of the arena and onto one of the trails that led down to the pond at the back of their property.
The next three hours passed quickly. Kelly loved riding nearly as much as I did and the joy that shone on the little girl's face convinced me that it was time to get us both out of the city and onto our own small piece of heaven. I had loved my time on the farm, and though it was true, I couldn't afford much, I had some money tucked away. After I finished my schooling, I wanted to start training horses and giving lessons, much like Neal and
Miranda were doing. I didn't think I would be able to pull off an operation as grand as theirs was, but whatever sacrifices I had to make, I knew would be well worth it for Kelly and for me. I wanted Kelly to grow up around animals, in a home where she had plenty of room to run and experience life. She didn't need to be like so many other kids in front of the television or playing on their computers all day. The fresh air and hard work would provide the perfect life for the two of us.
The two of us. Funny, in all my dreaming, I hadn't included Reed in the picture. Had I already given up on him? The words he had spoken just a week before, about forever, about falling for me seemed like a distant memory now.
While Kelly took a little nap in the downstairs bedroom, Miranda and I enjoyed several glasses of sweet tea on the front porch. She told funny stories about the children enrolled in her after school program, and I shared the heart wrenching tale of my parents' visit. When I relayed the vile things my mother had said, Miranda let out a sharp gasp and reached for my hand. She squeezed it comfortingly and expressed her despair for all that I had going on. Of course, I told her about Missy and how Kelly had come to live with me. I even told her all about Reed and the beautiful woman who seemed to have taken his attentions away. Miranda was outraged with my parents' behavior, and unable to find a viable reason for Reed's recent change.
"I want to ask you something," Miranda spoke after a few minutes of silence.
"What's up?"
"You're done with the cafe?"
"Yeah, after everything that went down with my parents, I can't go back to that."
Miranda nodded, seeming to consider something before she continued. "It wasn't ever your plan to take it over anyway, right?"
"No, I don't mind the work, but it wasn't my passion." My cheeks heated for a second at my choice of words, but did my best to push Reed back out of my mind, as much as he was ever out of it anyway.
