by Gayle Callen
A softening feeling of gratitude to God moved through him, that he was able to be with them again. There was a time when he lay writhing within the fiery agony of his burns that he’d almost wished for death. He’d learned the hard way that his life and family were important to him.
Susanna, at twenty-six, was only a year younger than he was. She acted as their father’s assistant in the anatomy laboratory, sketching the muscles and organs of the bodies the professor studied. She was a bluestocking of the first order, intelligent and calm, with the same auburn hair they’d both inherited from their father. Lady Rosa had long since given up on the idea that Susanna would ever exert herself enough to attract a husband, which still made Matthew sad. Even though he didn’t want a wife, it surely was better for a woman to marry a man and have her own household. And his sister deserved to be happy.
For the past several years Lady Rosa had concentrated all of her matrimonial efforts on Rebecca, who was nineteen, a beauty, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. After a childhood weakened by many illnesses, Rebecca had matured into a poised loveliness that surprised Matthew, who rather thought that in rebellion she might end up being the wild one of his family.
But of course he hadn’t heard everything she’d been up to since he’d been gone. He looked forward to finding out. There had been a time, while he was recovering at the mission, when he thought he might never see his family again, so long did it take for him to heal.
To his amusement, they were all focused on Emily, the wife whose husband had returned to her. Her expression was animated as she spoke to his sisters, looking back and forth between them, gesturing with her fork. Susanna gave her a brief hug, as Rebecca giggled from the other side. How at ease they all seemed together, like real sisters.
Then Susanna saw him in the doorway. “Matthew!” Her voice was a shriek.
He gave her a fond grin. “Hello, little sister.”
And then pandemonium ensued as Susanna and Rebecca rushed across the room to throw themselves at him. He staggered back against the door, an arm around each of them, grinning as he hadn’t in a long time.
“No need to crush me,” he said with amusement.
“Oh, dear, you’ve been dreadfully injured!” Susanna said, pulling back and looking up at him.
“I am fully recovered now.”
“Mama said you were burned?” Rebecca’s sweet voice was full of hesitation, as if she thought even talking about it would hurt him all over again.
“There was an explosion. And I was bayoneted,” he said cheerfully. When they collectively gasped, he hugged them back against him. “But I’ve been recovered since the beginning of the year. You do not have to treat me as a fragile invalid.”
“But your memory…” Susanna said with doubt.
Matthew looked at Emily, now standing beside his parents, her face full of sweet concern for him. She wore a gown of plain yellow, as bright as the sun. Had she wondered—and worried—if sleep had brought the return of his memories? His parents had probably wished for the same thing, without the worry.
“There is nothing I can do about my mind,” he said. “The memories will return or they won’t.”
He found himself studying Emily, wondering how to needle her, to trip her up into revealing more about herself. He had a sudden, incredible idea. He’d claimed “holes in his memory”—why not take that even further, expand upon his memory loss? Such a weakness would allow him to stay close to her, to learn everything he could about her. If he couldn’t remember how to do some of the basic things in life, then as his wife, Emily would have to teach him.
“We can tell you anything that you want to know,” Rebecca said, pulling him farther into the breakfast room and giving him her chair beside Emily. She gestured with amused poise. “This is your wife, Emily.”
He grinned at Emily, who grinned back as she sat down beside him.
“Rebecca,” Lady Rosa said in a warning tone, “now is not the time to tease your brother.”
“Mother, if I am not teased,” he said, “how will I know I’ve returned home?”
Professor Leland gave an easy chuckle and resumed his seat near the head of the table. Even when his cousin the duke wasn’t in residence, they always seemed to leave the head of the table open for him.
The servants were bringing Matthew a plate overflowing with ham and eggs and toast, his favorite breakfast. It all looked delicious, and he found himself starving.
He forced himself to hesitate over his plate, remembering the holes in his memory, hoping to attract Emily’s notice.
“Matthew?” she said quietly.
He looked at his family, busy eating, as if he didn’t want them to notice his dilemma.
“It is the strangest thing,” he said in a low voice, meant for her ears only. “I can’t remember how I like my toast.”
Her expression was full of worry and compassion.
“You mean your amnesia affects even such simple things?”
“Sometimes. Other times I feel confident, to the point where I forget such a weakness even exists. But I couldn’t remember some of the servants’ names last night.”
“Oh, but surely, after two years—”
“But I knew they’d been here my whole life!” He let some of his frustration show. “And you’re my wife! How could I—”
She put a gentle hand on his arm, glancing at his oblivious parents. “Matthew, the more you give in to frustration, the worse it will be. Relax, and let it come back to you slowly.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
With conviction, she said, “Then you create new memories.”
Create new memories with Emily. What an intriguing thought. He held her gaze, looking into those sincere blue eyes, trying to exude a vulnerability that would draw her to him—and trying not to look at her mouth with too much hunger.
He was distracted by a tug on his coat sleeve, and he turned to Susanna, on his other side.
“Obviously Mama told us of your dilemma,” she said in her no-nonsense tone. “Tell me what it feels like to have ‘holes’ in your memory.”
She must have been listening to their conversation. “Studying me like your latest project?” he asked.
She gave a faint blush. “I have simply never met anyone with your condition. When I think of you and Emily seeing each other for the first time in over a year, husband and wife yet almost strangers—”
“Susanna.” Lady Rosa once again spoke in that tone of voice reserved for mothers.
“Let them ask their questions,” Matthew said easily. “Maybe talking will help me. You’d want that, wouldn’t you, Emily?”
“Of course.”
To his family, he said, “This is surely difficult for her. We’ve decided to take our relationship slowly, get to know one another all over again.”
Rebecca frowned. “To Emily, you are her long-lost husband, but she has to think of you as a suitor again?”
Emily put down her napkin and gave Rebecca a smile. “I do not mind at all,” she said, her voice firm. “I will do whatever is necessary to make our life normal again. After everything that has happened, we cannot expect that to come about quickly. And you mustn’t feel sorry for me. I am not the one without memories, who was almost killed.”
Matthew noticed the fond approval in his father’s gaze, the way Lady Rosa dabbed at the corners of her eyes. Even Susanna and Rebecca looked chagrined. Emily knew just the right things to say.
But how could he have expected otherwise, after seeing the household’s devotion to her?
He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her skin was warm and soft, and he had to disregard the sudden images that came to mind of her hands touching his bare skin. “We will get through this, I promise you.”
Emily gave him a tremulous smile. She could even tremble on command, he thought, hiding his enjoyment.
And then he saw Reggie openly staring at him, barely masking his anticipation of the next act in this play. Matthew rea
lized he should save his more intimate persuasion with Emily for when they were alone.
He released her as he turned back to Susanna. “As for holes in my memory, at first I didn’t notice I had forgotten anything, until someone told me.”
“Usually me,” Reggie volunteered.
“Your help must have been comforting,” Lady Rosa said.
Now Reggie looked uneasy. “I don’t know how much ‘help’ I was.”
Was his friend realizing how difficult it was going to be to lie to his family? Since Matthew had spent his whole life pretending, trying to be the person his parents expected, he was rather used to lying, at least about himself.
Reggie sent a sincere glance to both Susanna and Rebecca. “But I did my best.”
Matthew wanted to roll his eyes. His friend wasn’t going to be bothered by guilt for long. He noticed that although Rebecca smiled at Reggie’s flirtatious look, Susanna went back to eating, as if indifferent. Had she truly given up on finding a husband for herself? Not that Reggie came from exactly the right Society, Matthew mused, at least as far as the ton was concerned.
Matthew returned to explaining his supposed amnesia. “Occasionally something very basic is just suddenly gone from my mind. It is…frustrating, to not know everything.” And captivating, he thought, watching Emily.
“Let Matthew eat,” the professor said.
Matthew smiled at him and dug in. For Emily, he made a show of randomly choosing peach jam for his toast. He couldn’t help noticing that she ate with as much gusto as he did. Guilt certainly didn’t bother her appetite.
After a while, with a young woman’s impatience, Rebecca said, “Surely you’ve eaten enough, Matthew.”
“You don’t look like you’ve been starving,” Susanna observed. “Tell us about your injury.”
He smiled and held up a hand before Lady Rosa could protest. “When I first arrived in India, my regiment was assigned to General Napier, who was determined to control the Sind, the territory between India and Afghanistan. There were battles aplenty, and I was deemed a bit reckless.”
“Reckless?” Susanna echoed, looking puzzled. “I would not have thought so, Matthew.”
How could he explain what it was like, fighting for his country? He’d wanted to rediscover himself, and with nothing to lose except his life, he’d walked the edge of safety. It had been an incredible—if sometimes painful—experience.
“Remember, my battle skills were part of the reason I was promoted to captain,” he told his sister.
“But they didn’t save you from getting hurt,” Rebecca said.
He grinned, for she sounded almost disappointed in him, as if he should have been invulnerable. “In the next battle, I took a bayonet wound to the side, but I thought it minor and continued on. I was told later that there was an artillery explosion, which was how I was burned, but I remember nothing of it. So perhaps holes in the memory can be a good thing.”
He found himself glancing at Emily, who watched him intently but remained silent.
“You were so lucky that your face was not touched,” Rebecca said solemnly. “Did you awaken on the battlefield?”
He shook his head. “I awoke in a Christian mission. The regiment had left me behind to recover. I was there for several months.” He tried not to think of those days, and where his stupidity had led him. Reggie was watching him a bit too solemnly.
Matthew smiled regretfully at his parents. “This is when the mistake of my supposed death happened. And I am so sorry for it.”
Lady Rosa spoke at last. “If you were there for several months, why did you not write to us?”
“My new regiment went much farther upriver, away from English outposts. I knew any letter I wrote I would have to carry out with me, so I waited too long.”
Hamilton came through the doors then, carrying a silver tray stacked with letters and the newspaper, which the professor promptly took.
After glancing at the newspaper, Professor Leland fixed Matthew with an amused gaze.
“As of today, all of England will know of your return. You made the Times.”
He displayed the front page, and they all could read the headline: OFFICER RETURNS FROM THE DEAD!
“I was only in London for a few hours,” Matthew said, amazed.
“The servants at Madingley House must have been so excited,” Lady Rosa said, clapping her hands.
“And talkative.” Matthew glanced at Emily, wondering at her reaction. “I did not think I could keep my return a secret, but I’ve been in England less than two days. This is fast work.”
Lady Rosa smiled. “Good news can travel just as swiftly as bad. Perhaps people are glad to have a reason to celebrate.”
Matthew smiled at Emily, and she returned his smile. But did she seem a bit…distracted? What did she think of having his arrival—and her own name—splashed across England’s most widely read newspaper?
Chapter 4
The eggs tasted like dry pieces of rubber going down Emily’s throat. She hadn’t anticipated that a duke’s cousin returning from the dead would be so newsworthy. But, of course, he was an army hero—who was not quite married. If that got out, it would set the newspapers ablaze.
She took a deep breath to calm herself. There was nothing she could do now. She only hoped that Emily Leland would not be connected to Emily Grey.
She glanced at Lieutenant Lawton, Matthew’s friend, with his curling black hair and rakish grin. His presence complicated everything. At first, thinking he would denounce her, she nearly panicked, then realized that he hadn’t done so last night. If Matthew truly was married to another woman, then Lieutenant Lawton didn’t seem to know her. What a confusing mystery.
Emily looked around the table, where everyone watched Matthew with the rapt attention of a loving family thrilled to have their only son back. They weren’t examining his words as she was, studying his expressions and mannerisms. Perhaps that was why something rang false for her. He skimmed over months of painful recovery too easily. She decided to help him explain his poor correspondence, in hopes of eventually earning his trust.
She asked him, “Wasn’t it also difficult to write a letter when you couldn’t remember everything? I imagine you did not want to reveal your problem.”
The two sisters gasped in unison, as if they’d been foolish not to realize that.
Matthew looked down at Emily, one brow arched in surprise. “Yes, it was difficult,” he said softly.
“A wife would understand,” Lady Rosa murmured with pleased satisfaction.
No, Emily thought, a woman who spent time analyzing everything she said or did would understand.
“As I mentioned,” Matthew continued, “I had to be told about my duties in my first regiment. I was worried there were other, more important things I couldn’t remember. And of course, there were,” he said, glancing at Emily. “I didn’t know what to write, and I didn’t want to make you all worry if I sounded…wrong.”
“Of course, son,” the professor said. “What are letters, when we now have the real thing? The rest of the family will be overjoyed.”
“Can we discuss all of this later today, privately, Father?” Matthew asked. “I have so many questions.”
“We will speak when you’re ready,” the professor said, happiness softening his eyes. “I do not have to be at Cambridge until tomorrow.”
Emily realized that Matthew probably wanted to talk about her. When she’d awakened that morning, she half expected to find him there in the bedroom with her. Even in a common marriage of convenience between acquaintances there was a price for the woman to pay: physical intimacy without any love. She told herself that she was prepared to pay the price.
Rebecca began, “Matthew, what about—”
“Enough, girls.” Lady Rosa rose to her feet. “Poor Matthew came home late. He has more recovering to do, so I suggest we allow him to do it at his own pace.”
“Mother, I don’t need to be coddled,” Matthew said, giving h
er a wry smile. “I think the best thing for me would be to resume my old life. Surely there’s a ball or two to attend.”
Rebecca straightened in her chair with obvious interest. “There is a dinner tonight hosted by Lord Sydney.”
The professor frowned. “Surely it is too soon.”
They all looked at Matthew, not bothering to hide their surprise. Why did his request to return to a normal life seem so unusual to them?
“Not at all,” Matthew said promptly. “We should go.” And then he turned to Susanna. “You’ll introduce me to those I can’t remember?”
“Rebecca can help you,” Susanna said, patting her brother’s arm.
“And why would you not go?” he asked, wearing a faint frown.
“She’s too busy in Father’s laboratory,” Rebecca said, giving an exaggerated sigh.
Susanna’s voice was cool. “It is important work.”
“Of course it is,” Matthew agreed, “which means you need the occasional amusement to relax.”
“You know I don’t consider such events relaxing,” she said.
“You used to be an excellent dancer. Why is that not relaxing?”
Susanna only shrugged as she picked at her eggs.
Their mother said, “Randolph, I wish you would make clear to your daughter that being seen in Society can only help her.”
The professor’s face became impassive. “We’ve had this discussion before, Rosa.”
Emily saw Matthew look between them in resignation, as if he wasn’t surprised at their disagreement. But she knew the Lelands’ relationship had become stronger this past year. She herself had encouraged it, almost as if helping them eased her debt to the family. But pushing this subject now could only make things worse.
“Matthew, would you go for a walk with me in the garden before you speak with your father?” she asked.
She could feel the tension ease in the breakfast room, as Lady Rosa smiled.
“That is a lovely idea, Emily, dear.”
“And you don’t even need a chaperone,” Rebecca said with a smile.
Matthew pushed back his chair and rose to his feet. “A walk with my wife is an excellent suggestion. Emily, I need to speak to Reggie for a moment. May I meet you on the terrace?”
