He didn’t. He also didn’t find a better jacket waiting magically for him on any of the street benches he passed, and as the rain and cold steadily ground themselves into his body, and as the sky grew darker and darker, he sure wished one would appear.
By the time he was a few blocks from Dr. Ben’s address, he was already questioning the decision-making skills that had allowed him to walk over two miles in rain and near-freezing weather. His teeth were chattering so quickly they seemed to be getting numb—just like the rest of his body. His feet kept shuffling along below him; otherwise he wouldn’t have even known they were there.
Just as he was considering turning back (and wondering if that was an even dumber idea, since it would be an even longer walk back), he discovered he was on Dr. Ben’s block.
JJ rang the doorbell and tried to pull his front teeth back together.
The door opened, but it wasn’t Dr. Ben standing before him. Instead, it was a tall, older, athletic guy, with short blond hair and piercing blue eyes. He was dressed in exercise clothes. “Can I help you?” he asked mildly.
“Uh… I was looking for Dr. Ben?” JJ was trying desperately to hold his shivering body together. He hadn’t considered that Dr. Ben might not live alone.
“He’s not here right now. He’s still at the hospital, I think. Is there something I can do for you?”
JJ’s spring had never felt so tightly wound. He wasn’t allowed to even talk to his own sister; Aunt Maggie was gone; his friends were useless; he couldn’t talk to the one guy he really wanted to talk with, who might also be the reason he’d turned gay. And now even Dr. Ben, who JJ also barely knew, wasn’t there. JJ had felt completely alone many times in life, but never more so than when he’d been lying in that hospital bed and Aunt Maggie had told him his parents hadn’t survived the fire. Later on, thinking about those weeks, he’d thought that he would never feel that kind of loneliness again.
But he’d been wrong. Here it was again, on a totally normal evening, ten years later. Almost as though his parents were dying all over again.
JJ turned from the door before this total stranger could see tears appearing in his eyes, but the guy called out for him. “Wait! He should be home soon. Why don’t you come in and wait, warm up? You look like you’re freezing.”
JJ stopped. More cold rain splashed across his shoulders, and he decided he really wanted to be warm again.
He followed the blond guy into the house, which was larger than JJ had expected. It had a large open living room filled with comfortable-looking furniture and a very expensive-looking stereo. There was a tall staircase stretching above the room, and JJ could see it led to an extensive second floor.
“Warm up for a bit, okay? What’s your name?”
“JJ,” he murmured, wondering again what he was doing there. He’d made another stupid mistake.
“I’m Jeremy. I’ll call Ben and tell him you’re here.” Jeremy headed toward a bright room off of the living room, where JJ could hear him talking quietly. “Yes—no—no, he just showed up. It looks like he walked; he’s soaked. No, I didn’t ask. I’ll check. Yeah, I’m on it. You’ll be home when? I’ll tell him.”
Jeremy came back to the living room. “He wants to know if your aunt knows you’re here.” JJ shook his head. “Oh. Then he wants you to call her.”
JJ shook his head again. “She’s gone tonight. She won’t be back until later.”
“Oh.” Jeremy was studying him carefully, as though JJ were a map he was trying to figure out. “He wants me to tell you to take a shower to warm you up while you’re waiting for him. He said I could grab some dry clothes for you, and he’ll be home in about half an hour anyway.”
JJ was about to object when another set of chills ran though his shivering body. A warm shower would feel good. “Thanks,” he murmured.
Jeremy led JJ up the stairs to a bright white bathroom with an enormous tub, and found some dry sweatpants and a sweatshirt for him. “How do you know Dr. Ben?” JJ finally asked.
“Oh. I’m Ben’s ex.” Jeremy headed back down the stairs.
Dr. Ben was gay?
JJ just stood there for a minute, staring at the door Jeremy had closed behind him.
JJ wasn’t the type to believe in fate. If fate existed, that meant his parents were always going to die, so… well, he didn’t like to think about that.
But this? It seemed almost too fated, or something, to be real. On the exact same evening that JJ realized he might have feelings for a guy, he’d gone to Dr. Ben to talk (something JJ never wanted to do before), and he just happened to find out that night that Dr. Ben was gay? And this was in a town where, like, five people (or that’s the way it seemed to JJ anyway) were anything other than straight?
It was crazy. Just crazy enough to make JJ wonder if maybe it wasn’t fate—maybe it was a sign. Did the universe really send signs? JJ thought things like that only happened in movies.
JJ remembered Dr. Ben saying he broke up with someone after the fire. Was this the guy? Had Dr. Ben been gay for that long? If you were gay, were you gay for your whole life? But that couldn’t be right, because JJ was pretty sure he hadn’t been gay before he met McKinley. So maybe Dr. Ben also hadn’t always been gay? Or maybe JJ always had been and just never knew it? JJ really wished he knew the answer to that question. Well, maybe now he could find out—it looked like Dr. Ben could help out with some of JJ’s questions.
JJ stayed under the shower for a long time, letting it warm him all the way through to his bones, before he finally decided it was probably time to get out.
The clothes Jeremy had given him were too big, so JJ rolled up the cuffs and sleeves. After his long walk in the cold rain, they felt like the softest, most comfortable things he’d ever worn.
He spent a few moments trying to decide what to do with his soaked jeans and shirt, and he finally hung them up in the shower. Hopefully they would dry a little before he went home.
Halfway down the stairs, he could see Dr. Ben saying good-bye to Jeremy at the door. Jeremy closed it behind him, and Dr. Ben turned, smiling when he saw JJ.
“Oh good! Walking pneumonia hasn’t set in yet.”
Walking pneumonia? Did that actually exist?
Dr. Ben gestured for JJ to have a seat on the couch where he was sitting, but JJ stayed standing. “You’re gay,” he blurted out.
Dr. Ben nodded. “Yes, I am. Is that going to be a problem?”
JJ shoved his toes into the carpet. “No,” he finally mumbled.
“Good.” Dr. Ben gestured to the seat on the couch next to him. “So what brings you to my neck of the woods soaking wet?”
Memories of the argument with Darryl flooded back through JJ, and he found himself gritting his teeth against them. “Dr. Ben, you don’t happen to have a beer I could have a few sips of? It warms me up.” He tried to look as pathetic as possible.
“Beer warms you up?” Dr. Ben looked amused. “No, I don’t have any. However, I do have some hot tea ready for you. Let’s see if that can do the trick.” He went into the kitchen and returned with a steaming mug. “It’s raspberry soother. My mother always made it for me.”
JJ tried it. It could use some more sugar, but overall it wasn’t too bad. It did warm him up right away, but it definitely didn’t have the effect a nice sip of whiskey would have.
“So? You gonna spill, then? What are you doing here, JJ? What happened tonight? What was so bad that you took the trouble to find my house?”
JJ shrugged and took another sip of tea.
Dr. Ben sat, waiting.
JJ couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to say anything. Hadn’t he come here because he wanted somebody to talk to? He thought about all the teachers and shrinks over the years who had practically begged him to talk. Tonight, he’d finally wanted to. So why wasn’t he?
It took him a few minutes, but eventually he did. He talked.
About beating up Patrick when he was six and about Darryl never ever forgiving him.
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About never getting to see Penny. About Darryl saying he couldn’t see her again until he completed his community service hours.
About sneaking into the library. About McKinley being Penny’s tutor.
About his confrontation in the library. About storming out and walking all the way to Dr. Ben’s house.
When he finished, the raspberry soother was almost gone, and the only thing he hadn’t mentioned were his thoughts about McKinley.
Dr. Ben grinned as JJ compared Penny’s expression while he and Darryl were fighting to the look someone has while they’re watching an intense tennis match. “You know, you are certainly right in that respect, JJ: this Darryl person has definitely made things difficult for Penny. Penny obviously wants you in her life.”
“I think she does.” JJ finished off his tea. “But how can she, really? She doesn’t know me at all. She’s seen me like once a month for a few hours almost her whole life. I’m like that divorced parent that only shows up for birthdays and holidays.”
“Maybe so. Darryl really thinks you’re a threat somehow?”
“That’s what she said again tonight.” JJ mumbled into the empty mug. “That was okay. Do you have any more?”
Stretching, Dr. Ben walked to the kitchen. “You know, it’s interesting—if you hadn’t told me about that incident with Patrick, I would have thought she was trying to keep you away from Penny out of jealousy.”
Intrigued, JJ followed Dr. Ben into the kitchen. “She’s jealous? Of me?”
“Sort of. Well, maybe.” Dr. Ben filled a kettle with water and set it to boil on the stove. “It sounds like she always wanted a daughter, yes? And then, this beautiful girl falls in her lap—just happens to be the daughter of her best friend, so she gets to do something good there too. Only here’s the son, who remembers his parents well, and probably won’t want his sister raised with a brand-new mother.”
Understanding stretched its way through JJ’s mind. “You mean… it was easier for her to be Penny’s mom if I wasn’t around to always remind Penny Darryl wasn’t her mom?”
“Maybe. I’m just saying that could have something to do with it. Although I’m sure you beating the crap out of her son didn’t help the situation.”
JJ shrugged. “I didn’t beat him up that bad. I mean, I still think she blew the whole thing up way too much. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. That’s definitely the last time I’ll see Penny for a while.”
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely.” JJ slammed the mug down on the kitchen counter so suddenly that the dish towel on the edge seemed to jump. “I can’t do anything right,” he murmured.
“What do you mean by that? Seems a little harsh to me.” JJ was surprised to see how unruffled Dr. Ben remained. Don’t worry, you’ll screw up eventually and scare him, he reminded himself.
“You know.” JJ made it an accusation. “I heard my aunt telling you that day you stitched my hand up… my dad’s turning over in his grave because of me. I’m pissed off, and I just mess stuff up all the time.”
Dr. Ben nodded. “I see. So you think you screwed up big today, huh?”
“Course I did. She caught me.”
“It never occurred to you that maybe you did the right thing this afternoon?”
“Huh?” JJ didn’t think he’d ever heard those words in his life.
“Well, think about it. The other day in the cafeteria you were telling me you’ve figured out you might be stuck in a cycle, yada yada yada. Today, this woman, Darryl. She gets you all mad. In the past, you’ve beaten up her son when you got upset. Today, though, you’re calm. You’re cool. You’re respectful. You say your piece and you leave before you can get too angry.” He raised his tea mug as if he were saluting JJ. “An excellent reaction. Sounds like a cycle breaker to me. I bet your parents would be proud.”
“But she’s still mad. I mean, I didn’t apologize or anything.”
Dr. Ben nodded as he poured more tea for JJ. “You think it would have been the right thing to apologize? Is that what your parents would have wanted?”
JJ thought about that for a moment. About the stories Maggie told of how his father had once stood up to a huge guy in a bar when he wouldn’t leave Maggie alone. About how his mother was known for being this incredibly nice person who also made sure people listened to her. He knew that when a bank had refused to give her and Darryl the loan for their store, his mother had somehow talked them into it.
“Huh,” JJ finally said.
“See? Look, JJ, I haven’t known you very long, but I have already managed to learn two things about you. One, you do have some anger going on there. I get that. Two, you have decided that, on some level, you want to do something about that anger. I very much appreciate that. However, you have to remember that the world isn’t black-and-white all the time. Sometimes there aren’t good guys and bad guys—just guys, doing the best they can.”
JJ took a long sip of raspberry soother and thought about that.
“It’s like I told you the other day—nobody fixes all of their problems overnight. You should give yourself some points for identifying a problem, period. Those are the first steps in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, you know.”
JJ flushed a little, wondering if Dr. Ben was remembering his earlier request for a beer.
“What say we go watch some mindless TV for an hour or so? It might clear your head, and Scrubs is on Netflix now.”
“You watch Scrubs?”
“Sure. That show cracks me up. They’ve got a lot of hospital life right, too….”
THEY WERE a few episodes in before JJ finally got up the courage to ask the other question that had been on his mind all evening. “Dr. Ben… how did you know you were gay?”
Dr. Ben looked at him curiously, but didn’t press why JJ was asking—just pushed pause on the remote. “Well… I wondered first. I always wanted to be with guys more than girls. I wasn’t very interested in girls, and the first time I tried to kiss one, I didn’t really enjoy it. I knew I was gay when I met the first guy I wanted to kiss, I think. And I definitely knew for sure after I kissed him.” He studied JJ for a moment. “Any particular reason you ask?”
JJ couldn’t seem to stare anywhere but at his mug. “Well, I didn’t tell you everything about tonight. McKinley? The guy tutoring Penny? He’s gay. Like, really gay—out at school and everything. And we’ve been spending a lot of time together. Tonight, after the fight, I realized he probably won’t want to talk to me anymore, since I ruined his job and all. That made me really upset. I’m just… starting to wonder… you know? Maggie just said I was a late bloomer or whatever, because I’m really not interested in going out with a girl or whatever.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “But McKinley. I think maybe he’s turning me gay or something. Because tonight, when everything went to shit, I really wanted to talk to him… and other stuff.”
“Ah.” Dr. Ben nodded in understanding. “So you came here instead.”
JJ nodded.
“JJ, I know this is easier to say than to do, but I think you need to worry about labels a little less. Gay, straight, bisexual—they’re just words. Who you like is who you like. Who you want to spend time with is who you want to spend time with. And people don’t turn each other anything. If you like McKinley, it’s because you’re wired to like McKinley, not because he made you something you’re not. My advice would be to let yourself do what you want to do, and see what you learn along the way.”
JJ scoffed. “Dr. Ben, whenever I let myself do what I want to do, it doesn’t go good. I mean, look at what happened today.”
Dr. Ben rolled his eyes. “JJ, we’ve talked about this. I really think today was actually a positive step for you. And this guy, if he knows and cares about you at all, will likely see it the same way.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I mean, he has done a lot for me. It was his idea to hold this memorial….”
Dr. Ben sat up sharply. “Wait. The memorial at the theater that’s coming
up? You have something to do with that?”
“Yeah, McKinley kind of set it up.”
Dr. Ben raised his eyebrows. “No kidding? Did he hear Penny’s story and want to do something?”
“Sort of.” JJ kept his eyes on the arm of his chair. “I mean, I talked to him a little bit.”
Dr. Ben eyed him suspiciously. “JJ, is there a reason you’re having such a difficult time making eye contact during this conversation? What’s going on during that benefit? I hadn’t decided yet if I was going to attend or not, but your current behavior is really making me want to come with a bulletproof vest. What’s up?”
That made JJ snort. “Nah, nothing like that. It’s just that we sort of have a plan for that night. We came up with a plan to find the guy.”
“Guy?”
“You know, Tattoo Man. The guy from my dream. The one I think is the arsonist.”
Dr. Ben’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“McKinley—I sort of told him about Tattoo Man. We think this guy might just be crazy enough to show up to a sort of reunion like that. Return to the scene of the crime and whatnot… then we catch him.”
Dr. Ben’s voice sounded strangled when he finally spoke. “Are you nuts?”
“Huh?” JJ sat up quickly in his chair. He’d sort of thought when he decided to tell Dr. Ben everything that Dr. Ben would appreciate the plan.
“I said, are you nuts? You have planned a whole event hoping you can catch a murderer?” At least he didn’t sound angry. Just… really incredulous.
“Kind of. I mean, we’re not really planning it; McKinley’s mother is.”
“McKinley’s mother captures murder suspects for a living? Is she also a policewoman?” Now Dr. Ben looked a little angry.
“Huh?”
“Because if she’s not, you’re putting everyone attending this event in grave danger! What are you going to do if this guy does show up: pull out your handcuffs? You’re fifteen, JJ! You are talking about potentially capturing the person who murdered your parents like I talk about grabbing some dinner!”
Every Inferno Page 9
