“Oh.” Jeremy’s face was like stone now. “Well… my sympathies to you as well. I have patients to go see.” He turned to go.
“Yeah. Dr. Ben didn’t mention you were a doctor too.”
“I’m one of the physical therapists here, actually. Speaking of which, what are you doing in the physical therapy wing?”
“Ah, I volunteer here.” JJ decided not to mention that his volunteer time was mandated by the court system.
“I see.” Jeremy was studying him again. “Good for you. I’ll probably see you around then.”
JJ was leaving the hospital, wondering if he should add that conversation to the list of the mistakes he’d made in his life, when he noticed Darryl standing outside at the curb.
“Hello, JJ.” She wrapped a scarf tighter around her neck. “I’d like to talk to you. I spoke to Maggie this afternoon, and she said you’d be finishing your shift of community service about now. I offered to drive you home for her.”
Woo-hoo. He’d have to thank Maggie later.
They were barely out of the driveway of the hospital, though, when JJ understood why Maggie had wanted him to talk to Darryl. “JJ, I need to talk to you about Penny,” Darryl began. “She’s unhappy with me lately.”
JJ was pretty proud that he held in the sarcastic comment about Penny finally joining the club.
“She’s been angry about not being able to see you. She’s also angry I kept her home from the benefit last night. She’s not been herself at all lately… very sullen all the time. She was especially upset over the library scene; she said it wasn’t fair that she should get in trouble for saying hello to you. Actually, she didn’t so much say it as scream it at me.”
JJ coughed to cover the laugh that almost escaped him.
“I realize you and I have had our issues over the years, JJ. I have tried to do what is best for Penny, but maybe I have been a little overzealous about keeping you away from her. Maggie says you’re doing very well with your community service, and that your grades are even up lately.”
Were they? JJ hadn’t even noticed.
“I was thinking that you and Maggie might come to my house for Thanksgiving in a few weeks. I think it would make Penny happy.”
“Really?” JJ wondered if Darryl was playing some kind of sick game with him.
“Really. JJ, I can’t truly apologize for what has happened between you and me over the years. As I said before, I only did what I thought was right for Penny. Clearly, though, I overstepped recently. I do apologize for that.”
JJ thought she had overstepped years ago, but right then didn’t seem to be the best time to say something.
“So, will you join us for Thanksgiving?”
“Sure.” Normally, Thanksgiving wasn’t high on JJ’s list of favorite holidays. He and Maggie always went to her friend Janet’s house, where there were tons of people, and he always ended up watching hours of football, which he wasn’t really that interested in, and eating at the kids’ table with Janet’s boring nieces and nephews. This Thanksgiving was definitely looking up.
Of course, he’d have to see Patrick, but he’d worry about that later.
“Excellent. I’ll tell Penny. I can trust you and Patrick to stay away from each other?” Apparently Darryl wasn’t waiting to worry about that.
“Sure. No big deal. I mean, we do go to the same school and everything. We’re fine.” That was a little bit of an exaggeration. Patrick and JJ avoided all contact with each other at school. JJ had even switched out of class once just because Patrick was in it. Whenever they did end up in the same space, Patrick was always pretty hostile.
JJ was getting out of the car at his house when Darryl added something. “JJ…. Penny said she enjoyed seeing you at the library. If McKinley says you’re not an interference, I won’t object if you want to help Penny with her tutoring sessions in the future.” She sounded very begrudging, but JJ didn’t really care. It was as if everything he wanted was suddenly falling into his lap. Who was he to question that?
He was still grinning when he walked into the house. Maggie looked up from the stove, where she was making dinner. “Huh. Betcha never thought you’d be that happy to see Darryl, did you?”
Chapter 9
BON IVER’S “Skinny Love” filled McKinley’s bedroom, and JJ sank into the music. Justin Vernon’s voice usually lured him into kind of a trance anyway, and this particular song always got to him. Especially the part about being patient. And fine. And kind.
“You have excellent taste in music,” JJ said as the song ended, and McKinley laughed.
They’d been doing this a lot since the night of the benefit—just sitting on McKinley’s bedroom floor, going through his iTunes library together. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they made out, but they hadn’t done much of anything more than that. Mostly, they just listened to music. It turned out JJ had been right, and McKinley’s T-shirts were proof that he and JJ had musical taste in common.
“It’s a great song.” McKinley leaned back against the bed and clicked something on the computer that caused “Skinny Love” to start moving through the speakers again. “I think about the lyrics of this song a lot.”
“Yeah?” JJ wasn’t really that surprised. The more he learned about McKinley, the more he realized how much they thought alike.
“Yeah. What do you think it’s about?”
JJ didn’t even have to consider the question before answering. “I know what it’s about. It’s about disappointment. And starting over. And wondering what you could have done differently.”
McKinley pulled JJ closer, until JJ was pressed up against him instead of the bed. Poses like this were still new to JJ, but it felt good, and he found himself relaxing into it rather than resisting. McKinley rested his chin on top of JJ’s head. “Wow. You think?”
“I know. The way the guitar melds into the lyrics… the guy’s regretful. But those chords on the end, the way they move up… it’s like he knows there’s still something else, but he’s sad this ended the way it did. That things didn’t go differently.”
They sat in silence, listening to the rest of the song play out. “Last Train” by Travis came on before McKinley spoke again. “JJ, why do you drink so much?”
JJ pulled away from McKinley fast. “What are you talking about?” He’d been avoiding drinking near McKinley ever since the night McKinley’d brought him home from the kegger.
McKinley shrugged. “People talk, JJ. They say you get really drunk at every party you go to. And I’m pretty sure you’ve been avoiding partying with me since we started hanging out, but I’m also pretty sure you’re still drinking a lot.”
JJ’s eyes narrowed. “What the fuck makes you think that?”
McKinley’s eyes didn’t narrow back, but his voice wasn’t soft, either. “Like I said, people talk. And they say you’re still showing up at places with Lewis.”
JJ stood up so that he was looking down at McKinley. “What’s it to you? So I like having a good time. What you are, my keeper?”
McKinley crossed his arms but stayed sitting. “No. But to be honest, I thought maybe I was your boyfriend. Or was about to be. So I think I have a right to ask.”
JJ opened his mouth and closed it several times before any sound came out. “McKinley… I mean, you’re the first guy I ever kissed. First person I’ve ever kissed.”
McKinley rolled his eyes. “JJ, I know that. And for the record, I think you’ve handled all this self-discovery pretty well. I’m not asking you to out yourself to the school. If you don’t want to date me exclusively right now, I get that. But if you’d like to, I’d like that too. Either way, I care about you. I want to make sure you’re okay. And people say you and Lewis are still going out a lot, and I know you’re avoiding ending up at the same parties as me, so I started to wonder why you’re getting hammered so much and why you don’t want me to see it.”
“I have to go.” JJ found his coat on the floor and got to the doorway as fast as he could.
“What the hell? You’re bailing? Just because I asked you about the partying?” McKinley stood up, clearly pissed.
“Yeah, I’m bailing.” JJ practically snarled as he said it. “Look, you know how I am about sharing shit, okay? I’ve shared a ton of shit with you, and I get to decide what I share. You want to get all up in my business about what my friends and I do for fun? Screw that. I don’t tell you what to do.”
“JJ, I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just asking—”
“Asking me why I’m a drunk,” JJ said sarcastically. “Yeah. I got that. Well, listen to people all you want, McKinley. They probably talk a lot about how I keep failing gym class, too. Ya wanna talk about that? Go ahead and ask me. Just try.”
McKinley looked stunned. “What is your problem, man? I thought we were getting closer, but you’re acting like the same silent little shit from Creative Writing right now. We’ve been hanging out almost every afternoon since you kissed me—yeah, you kissed me, remember—and you won’t even talk to me about why you party? And you’re pissed because I even asked? Screw that.” He opened the door to his bedroom. “Don’t let the door smack your maybe-gay ass on the way out, then.”
JJ didn’t, but he did slam the door behind him.
He checked his cell phone a few times as he practically ran back to his house, half expecting McKinley to text him an apology. But McKinley never did.
That night it took a third of a bottle of Wild Turkey, stolen from Lewis’s father’s stash, to uncoil the spring.
THE NEXT day was the day before Thanksgiving, so after JJ finished his shift in the physical therapy wing, he went up to Dr. Ben’s office to see how he was spending the holiday.
Dr. Ben was finishing up paperwork when JJ came in. “Hey there!”
“Hey.” JJ settled into one the chairs in the office. “I just came to say happy Thanksgiving.”
“To you, as well. Doing anything special?”
“Yeah, for once. Darryl invited me and Maggie over. She says Penny’s been real unhappy about not seeing me.” JJ shrugged. “What are you doing?”
“Oh, not much. My sister and brother-in-law invited me to their home in upstate New York. I may go; I may just stay home and watch football.
JJ winced at the image of Dr. Ben sitting alone in that big, empty house on Thanksgiving. “You should go to your sister’s, Dr. Ben. Or, maybe,” he added, suddenly feeling mischievous, “you could have Thanksgiving with Jeremy.”
“Excuse me?” Dr. Ben chortled. “Where did that come from?”
“Oh, you know. I see him sometimes down in Physical Therapy. He looks, I don’t know, lonely.” That was definitely true. JJ actually ran into Jeremy pretty often now that he was doing more and more hours in Physical Therapy, trying to finish his community service as soon as possible. They never had a real conversation, but Jeremy always said “Hi” when JJ did. He did look lonely. Almost all the time.
“I see. JJ, you do realize that Jeremy and I aren’t together anymore?” Dr. Ben looked almost amused by the conversation they were having.
“Sure. But you still like him, right?”
“JJ, that’s none of your business.”
“I know.” JJ sighed. “I just don’t think you should be alone on Thanksgiving.”
“Thanks for the advice. I’ll try to visit my sister. You, in the meantime, should enjoy the time you have with your sister.”
“Yeah.” JJ got up and paced the office for a minute, looking at the diplomas lining Dr. Ben’s walls. “Dr. Ben, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, JJ.” Dr. Ben put down the pen in his hand and studied JJ intently.
“You know how McKinley and I are sort of together now?
“Yes.” Dr. Ben was the only person JJ had told about kissing McKinley the night of the benefit.
“Ummm… what do you do if you want to make up with someone but you don’t think you did anything wrong, and they think you did?”
Dr. Ben made a sound like he was trying not to laugh. “You and McKinley have a fight, JJ?”
“Yeah.” JJ ran his hands through his hair and sat back down again. “He asked me about some stuff I didn’t want to talk about. I got pissed at him for asking. He got pissed at me for getting pissed. He hasn’t texted me or spoken to me since.”
“JJ, if anyone gets not wanting to talk about things, it’s me.”
JJ nodded. He supposed Dr. Ben was right about that.
“That’s one of the reasons Jeremy and I aren’t together anymore, you know. After Sara passed, I stopped talking to him. He wanted to work through things, so that we could be there for each other. I kept turning him away. I didn’t want to deal with any of it.”
“So were you wrong? Or was he? Trying to get you to talk about stuff you didn’t want to talk about?” JJ shuffled his feet as he waited for an answer.
Dr. Ben shook his head. “JJ, relationships aren’t usually about right and wrong. It’s a lot more complicated than that. But I do regret not trying harder to talk to him. He loved me. I loved him. Maybe if I’d let him in a little more, we’d still be together. And really, what was wrong with him trying to get me, his partner, to talk to him about something that had horribly affected both of us?”
JJ sank back into the seat across from Ben. “I drink sometimes,” he blurted out. “McKinley asked me about it.”
Dr. Ben raised an eyebrow. “Ah.”
“What should I do?”
Dr. Ben frowned. “JJ, I told you once that you should let yourself do what you want, and see what you figure out. Seems to me you want to let yourself do the right thing here, but you’re not sure how.” He reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a pamphlet, which he placed on the desk in front of JJ. “You should decide what to do, JJ. Do what you want, not what you’re used to doing or what you think others expect you to do. Just like you did with McKinley in the first place.”
The pamphlet was called “A Message to Teenagers: How to Tell When Drinking is Becoming a Problem.”
IT WAS Patrick who answered the door at Darryl’s house. JJ looked at him warily. He hoped this wasn’t an omen.
“Oh. It’s you.” Patrick glared.
Next to JJ, Maggie smiled. “Hello, Patrick. It’s nice to see you again. May we come in?”
Patrick turned abruptly, leaving the door wide open. JJ and Maggie stepped inside. “What an abhorrent child, still,” Maggie whispered to JJ. “If I didn’t know that he treated Penny like a princess….”
It was true, unfortunately. When he was younger, JJ had been on the constant lookout for signs that Patrick was treating Penny as badly as he treated JJ (and, JJ thought, most people), but Patrick was the perfect adoptive brother. He and Dennis both acted like Penny was a glass doll.
“You’re here!” Penny threw herself into JJ’s arms while he and Maggie were still standing in the foyer.
“Of course we’re here!” Maggie took her turn at a hug and planted a large kiss on Penny’s cheek. “We wouldn’t miss it.”
“Let’s go!” Penny tugged on the sleeve of JJ’s polo shirt, which Maggie had insisted he wear again. “Everyone’s in the dining room; we were waiting for you.”
Darryl’s dining room was as huge as JJ remembered, and perfectly decorated for Thanksgiving, with fancy-looking tablecloths and place mats and large centerpieces spread out across the table.
“Good, you’re here!” Darryl’s husband, David, came over to shake JJ’s hand and hug Maggie. “I’m so glad you made it.”
JJ couldn’t help but smile back at him. David had almost always been the one to come and wake JJ out of a nightmare when he had lived with them. The night of the fight, after Darryl had pulled JJ off of Patrick and rushed Patrick away to the emergency room, David had found an icepack for JJ’s black eye and held him on the couch for what seemed like hours, while JJ sobbed and sobbed, refusing to explain what had happened. To this day, JJ remembered a time later that night, when he had heard David standing up for him, tryin
g to convince Darryl that she was overreacting. It hadn’t worked, but JJ had remained forever grateful to David for trying.
“Have a seat—I think there are two by Lucas.”
Maggie’s face lit up. “Lucas is here?”
“Sure; he’s staying with us until Christmas.” David pointed through the crowd of people gathered around the table to two seats at the other end. “Half of Darryl’s family is here today, I think, and a good chunk of mine. Penny is sitting near Lucas too.” JJ thought David winked at him when he said that, but he couldn’t be sure.
They ended up sitting right in between Penny and Lucas, with JJ next to Penny and Maggie next to Lucas. JJ thought that both he and Maggie had never been so excited about a Thanksgiving dinner. He tried not to gape while Maggie blushed and laughed at everything Lucas said to her. He knew Maggie dated a little, but she almost never brought anyone home. JJ had actually never seen his aunt flirt. It was weird.
Penny was telling JJ about how well she was doing at school because of tutoring, and how much better her teacher said her reading was, when David came out of the kitchen with a turkey as big as Maggie’s microwave. “Time to eat!” he announced.
“Denny, would you say grace?” Darryl and David finished placing side dishes on the table and sat down. Darryl gestured at Dennis. JJ had been trying to avoid making eye contact with Dennis. Patrick was sitting right next to him, and making accidental eye contact with Patrick could only mean trouble.
“Sure, Ma. Ah…. God, thanks for bringing family and friends together… especially family we haven’t been able to see for such a long time.” JJ noticed Dennis give Lucas a long look as he said that. Interesting. “Thanks for all the delicious food, and thanks for letting us share it together. Amen.”
Every Inferno Page 12
