Yeah, a break from school was definitely going to be welcome.
At least Creative Writing didn’t have a midterm. All JJ had to do to get through that class was write and listen to some workshopping.
“Writing time first today,” Mrs. Lyle told them. “Then we’ll move into our final workshops of the semester.” She pulled up the day’s writing prompt on the projector at the front of the class. “Revise a piece you’ve been working on throughout the semester. Choose one that you feel is still unfinished, or one that you worry still isn’t right somehow.”
The class got to work, and JJ stared at the screen for a while.
Then he started writing.
He wasn’t quite finished when Mrs. Lyle called time, but he was close enough. He didn’t even hesitate when she asked for the first volunteers of the day—just raised his hand.
To her credit, Mrs. Lyle called on him as if he raised his hand every day.
JJ swallowed hard before he began speaking. “This is that poem I workshopped for you guys a while ago. I’ve revised it a few times since then. Maybe now it’s finally finished.” He let his gaze pass over McKinley, but McKinley was staring down at his desk. “But I kind of don’t want it to be finished yet,” JJ added. And then he started reading.
Unbreakable Cycles
Sticks and stones, they told me
Break Bones, they told me
Words, they told me
Don’t hurt, they told me
The words have come
Always, with fire behind them
The fire of bad news
And anger,
And problems
I have responded to these words
With a fire of my own
Fire that brings more words
Of bad news,
Of anger,
Of problems
But I am trying
To move away from the fire
Your words moved me farther
Than anyone else’s ever have
They were the right ones
Honest, hopeful
They gave me hope,
And new honesty
And even if your words are permanently gone
Know that
You made this cycle seem breakable
And if I break it, it will be
Because of you
And I will always be sorry
I couldn’t break it for you
JJ finished reading, and the class stared at him. Finally, Danielle Fitzpatrick raised her hand. “JJ, that was, like, awesome. Like, the most honest thing anyone in this class has ever said.” She squinted at him slightly. “Sometimes it’s like a poem is trying to hide what it’s really saying, you know? And your first version of this poem did that a little bit, I think. But this one didn’t feel that way at all.” There were murmurs of agreement.
They critiqued him. They told him what they loved about it, and how he could still make it better. They studied it together. They didn’t ask him details; they just helped him improve the writing. It would have been a great workshop.
Except that McKinley just sat there, looking at everyone except JJ, and never said a word.
BY THE time school ended, JJ’d never been so glad to hear a bell ring. He’d been checking his phone every five minutes, just to see if McKinley would text him. Nothing. The spring wound a few times, but JJ unwound it by reminding himself that he’d written that poem for himself as much as McKinley, and that he would be okay if things with McKinley were really over. At least now he would know.
He packed up his backpack and slammed his locker closed—and saw McKinley standing on the other side of it.
“Where are you headed?” McKinley asked.
“I have a shift at the hospital,” JJ told him.
“Let me give you a ride.”
When they were almost to the hospital and McKinley still hadn’t said anything, JJ finally did. “You never texted me back.”
“Yeah.” McKinley focused on the road. “I know.”
“I really am sorry.”
“I know that too. Are you going to meetings again?”
“Uh-huh. I’ve been to a couple.” One had been just a few days ago. “And I haven’t had a drink since that tequila. I really am doing better. I just… made a mistake.”
“I know. Listen, JJ….” McKinley paused for a few moments, and JJ tugged at his backpack threads while he waited. “It was crappy of me not to text you back. I was just so, like, done, I guess. I’d spent all that time trying to help you find Tattoo Man and stop drinking, and I knew I was the first guy you liked and all, and that’s a lot of pressure too. Then you just went off with Lewis the first time things got really hard, and I thought that I didn’t want to deal with it. Didn’t want to be the person always trying to fix you or something.”
“I guess I get that.” So they really were breaking up, for good this time. JJ hoped he wouldn’t cry during his shift. Jeremy was going to start thinking JJ was a total wuss.
“Then you read the revised poem today.” JJ perked up a little when McKinley said that. “And I remembered that I’ve been really lucky, JJ. You were right when you said I had a great life. Not perfect, but really great. I figured out that I was gay when I was pretty young, and people have been mostly supportive, and I’ve never lost anyone I really care about, or had to fight for the people I love, or gone through half the shit you’ve gone through. When you were reading your piece today, I remembered how strong and amazing you really are—to go through all that and still come through a human being on the other side? It’s amazing. You’re amazing.”
He pulled up into the hospital parking lot and turned to look at JJ. “I’m sorry I bailed when things got tough.”
“Me too,” said JJ.
“I know. I should’ve known that right away. I like you so much, Jacob Jasper Jones.”
And then instead of crying, JJ was making out with McKinley in the middle of the hospital parking lot where anyone could see them.
“I wanna tell people,” he told McKinley when they finally pulled away. “I wanna go to the next GSA meeting with you and tell people you’re my boyfriend. Who cares? Plus, people should be fine. The universe owes me some luck, right?”
McKinley laughed and hugged him, and this was definitely the best Last Day Before Christmas Break ever.
As JJ pulled on a scrub top and got ready to start his shift at the hospital, he thought about how he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this happy. Things were so good: he had McKinley back, he was spending Christmas with Penny, he’d come clean with Maggie, and he had Dr. Ben now too. He hadn’t had anything to drink in weeks, and his grades were going to be okay this marking period.
He wondered if he needed to see a tattoo on Lucas’s hand the next day to stay this happy.
“Hello, JJ.”
JJ looked up to find Jeremy standing next to him.
Jeremy sniffed the air. “Glad to see you’re walking a straight line today.”
JJ rolled his eyes. “Ha ha. Thank you, by the way. For bringing me to Dr. Ben instead of just getting me fired.”
Jeremy snorted and began sorting through files in front of him. “I should have had you fired. I just knew Ben would say you were worth another chance.”
JJ thought about that for a few seconds.
“That’s because I am,” JJ finally told him, just loudly enough that he was sure Jeremy could hear. “I think maybe everyone is.”
Chapter 13
THE ART show was being held at La Vida, a small Italian eatery just a few doors down from the Bijou. It wasn’t as formal as the benefit had been, and JJ was happy Maggie let him wear his polo shirt and some khakis she’d gotten ahold of and ironed. As they walked past the theater to the restaurant, Maggie reached for JJ’s shoulder and grabbed him in a tight half hug.
“JJ, I really am proud of how far you’ve come over these past few months.”
They were almost to the restaurant, and JJ didn’t want to make a scene aroun
d all the people who were going to be there, but he had to ask. “Do you think Dad would be proud?”
Maggie whirled JJ around to face her. “JJ,” she said softly, “wherever he is, your dad will always be proud of you.”
JJ shook his head. “It’s nice of you to say, Aunt Mags, but we both know it isn’t true. He wouldn’t have been proud of me a few months ago. But I think maybe I’m getting there. Thanks for waiting all this time. Thanks for… being there.”
She squeezed him in a tight hug, and it was all JJ could do to get her to let go of his hand before they walked into the restaurant.
Half of the restaurant had been transformed into a gallery, and was covered with paintings, large and small, that dotted the walls. Waiters scampered around with trays of food, and JJ snagged something that looked, but did not taste, like a pig in a blanket. Then he started walking around.
Most of the paintings were abstract, if JJ was remembering his ninth-grade art class correctly. To him, they just looked like shapes that were put together in weird patterns with weird colors. They were pretty enough, maybe, but he caught a look at one of the price tags, and he sure couldn’t imagine paying that much for a bunch of colored shapes.
He walked around, trying to figure out what some of the paintings were, and then he saw it: the one painting in the entire exhibit that JJ understood perfectly.
The top of it was large triangles of orange aiming for a large head of curly hair, and then JJ knew that Lucas probably had been in love with his mother, at least at one point, because that was her head. Even if the face was just a mix of circles and squares, that was his mother. JJ was sure of it. But it was what was below this representation of his mother that JJ understood even better.
It was another head, a drooping oval, and teardrop-shaped pieces of black leaked from it. Surrounding the bottom of the head were the orange triangles, and they stretched back into the distance of the canvas.
JJ had been wrong all along.
He was no big art fan, and he could never have explained to anyone why that painting proved to him, once and for all, that Lucas was innocent. It was just something in the way that the painting was exactly how he felt about that fire. And about his mother.
JJ didn’t need to see Lucas’s hand to know that he wasn’t Tattoo Man. The proof was right there on the wall.
He just stood there for a moment, frozen, staring at the painting. Around him, people kept moving, talking about it. “It’s called “Every Inferno,” someone whispered quietly. “What an interesting title.”
Then JJ spotted Lucas over in the corner, chatting with Mrs. Somersville and another woman he didn’t recognize. She was hiding Lucas’s right arm from view.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to look as casual as possible as he headed over to them. “Hello,” he said.
“JJ!” Mrs. Somersville shook his hand excitedly. “I was just chatting with your aunt’s… friend. He’s so talented! I’m so glad we were able to make sure this show happened!”
JJ waited, tapping a toe anxiously, while both women gushed over Lucas’s incredible talent. And he studied Lucas’s hand.
The cast was gone. But his right hand, peeking out from the sleeve of his suit jacket, was covered in the kind of bandage you used to wrap a sprain.
When the women finally saw someone come in that they had to go say hello to, JJ found himself alone with Lucas.
“What’s wrong with your hand now? You got your cast off.”
Lucas glanced down. “It’s just been sore. The doctor suggested I use this when it’s aching.”
JJ kept his gaze on Lucas. “You don’t have a tattoo under there, do you?” he asked, even though it didn’t sound much like a question to him.
For a minute JJ thought Lucas was going to make a snarky remark or laugh at JJ. Instead, he asked, “Why? What tattoo do you think you’ll see on my hand?”
JJ considered the question. “One I already know isn’t there,” he finally said.
Lucas pulled down the wrapping on his hand just a notch, just a few centimeters. Just enough that JJ could see… a birthmark.
“What were you looking for, JJ?” Lucas asked quietly.
Well, JJ thought, no sense in holding back. Not at this point in the game. “I thought you did it. I thought you set the fire, all those years ago.”
Lucas looked incredulous. “Me? You thought I set that fire? You thought I killed your parents and all those people?”
“Well… yeah.”
“Why?”
“Lucas, darling, come meet my friends!” Darryl called from across the room, interrupting the conversation that JJ quickly remembered wasn’t all that private.
JJ studied his feet, and Lucas grabbed his shoulder. “Don’t go anywhere after the show, okay? We need to talk, you and I.”
McKinley arrived an hour later. “Sorry I’m so late. I was trying to get out of the house earlier, but Dad’s relatives are all visiting for Christmas, and my Aunt Lisa just never stops talking.” He rolled his eyes. “My mom told them all about you, by the way. They can’t wait to meet you.”
Great.
“So what happened? Did you see his hand yet?”
JJ nodded. “It isn’t him. That thing I thought I saw under the cast? It was a birthmark. Not a tattoo of a paintbrush.”
McKinley frowned. “Are you sure? You don’t think he could have had the tattoo removed or anything?”
JJ glanced over at “Every Inferno,” which a whole group of people was standing in front of now. “Yeah. I’m sure. I told him what I’d thought, though. He says he wants to talk after the show.”
“Are you going to?”
JJ shrugged. “Sure. Why not? What do I have to lose?”
They sat in seats by the bar and watched people walk through the makeshift gallery. “Wow,” McKinley sighed. “I really thought it could be him. What do we do now?”
JJ frowned. “Yeah. I don’t know. I mean, what did we do before? Hold a benefit to draw the guy out of hiding. Well, if it did, we didn’t catch him. What’s left? It was ten years ago. I can keep looking for that tattoo on every arm I see. I may never find it.” He sighed. “I have to face it, McKinley. I might never know who Tattoo Man is. I might never know who killed my parents. No matter what I do, I might never be able to break this stupid cycle I’m stuck in.”
“JJ, think about that poem you wrote. You are breaking the cycle. You really are. You don’t need to find this guy to do that.”
JJ wished he could believe that.
McKinley grabbed his hand then, and JJ was proud that even though half the town could see them, he didn’t even think about pulling away.
The show ended, and JJ and McKinley helped Lucas and Maggie clean up a bit and load some paintings into the back of Lucas’s SUV. Then Lucas asked Maggie if it would be all right if he took JJ home.
Maggie looked intrigued, but all she said was “of course.”
McKinley left, Maggie told them that she was going to meet some friends for drinks, and then JJ was in Lucas’s SUV.
They were barely out of the parking space before Lucas brought up the topic of the fire. “You really thought I was the arsonist, huh?”
“There were clues,” JJ said mildly. “I mean, you are a painter, and the fire was started with turpentine. You disappeared for years after the fire, and you were pretty vague about why. You had that cast, and I know the arsonist had a tattoo of a paintbrush on that part of his hand.”
“How do you know that?” Lucas wanted to know, and JJ filled him in on the dream.
“And there you were,” JJ finished up, “with that exact part of your arm covered.”
Lucas seemed to consider that. “I guess that makes sense and all,” he said. “But why would you think I would do something like that? What kind of motive would you think I would have?”
JJ shrugged. It was time to throw poor Mrs. Sanfras under the bus. “So, I met this woman who used to work with you and Mom. She was telling me all kinds of th
ings about how you used to be in love with Mom—like obsessed. I didn’t really know what that might mean, but she made it sound like it was, I dunno, stalkerish or something. I guess I started to think maybe you killed her because you couldn’t have her.”
“Ahh… you talked to Marnie.” Lucas nodded.
JJ was startled. “You mean it’s true? You really were like that with Mom?”
“When I met your mom,” Lucas said quietly, “I was kind of a mess. Darryl doesn’t like to admit it, but the real reason she hired me to work at the store while I was starting college was because I couldn’t get hired anywhere else. I have some… mental issues, and I wasn’t in counseling then, and I was kind of all over the place.
“Your mom, though, never cared. She never treated me like I was different, or off, or not okay. She just… helped. She always helped. So I fell madly in love with her.
“I did resent your dad, and you and Penny, for existing. I desperately wanted to be a bigger part of her life.”
Well, that was a little awkward to hear from someone you’d just crawled into a dark car with, even if you had just convinced yourself they were Not a Bad Guy. “Are you still like that?” JJ asked. “In love with her?”
“No.” Lucas shook his head. “After the fire, I realized how unhealthy my feelings towards your mom really were. I did go back to counseling. I will forever miss your mother,” he added. “Sometimes terribly. But for the right reasons now, I like to think. Because she was an amazing, life-changing woman who was there for me when nobody else was. And I certainly don’t resent you anymore, JJ,” he added.
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