Jack leaned over to look at the stitches she was finishing. “Nicely done,” he said.
“See?” she replied. “I told you I was good at stitches.”
* * *
It had been an exhausting day. After hours of conducting triage, administering medication and vaccines, and performing a surgery she hadn’t undertaken for several years, Kat was spending the last moments of the day on the hospital’s roof. She’d learned it was an excellent place to take in the Hawaiian sunrise.
She was usually alone up there, but today Jack had followed her. “You did great today,” he said.
“Great?” She snorted. “You must have seen how clumsily I made that McBurney incision. You must have seen how nervous I was. It’s been years since I did any surgery.”
“You saved a boy’s life,” he replied. “Try to focus on the big picture.”
She gave a dark laugh. “I’ve never been very good at that,” she said. “Why focus on the big picture when there are a thousand small details I can obsess over?”
“I know it’s not always easy for you to stay in the moment, but this is a good one,” he said. “I’m not saying the little things don’t matter—I’m just saying enjoy the good you did.”
“I’m trying to,” she said, watching the sky change from gold to rose as the sun went down. “But it’s never come easily to me. My family aren’t all doctors, like yours. It was my father’s dream for me to become a doctor, and after he died my mom had to work two jobs to help me get through medical school. It’s important for me to be the best doctor I can be. Not just for myself, but for them, too.”
He nodded. “But maybe sometimes you forget that you don’t have to try to be the best anymore. You got there. You fulfilled your dreams and theirs. Now you can just be who you are.”
“Be who you are?” she repeated. “It sounds so simple. But it’s not.” She turned toward him. “Do you know why I really came to Hawaii? I got fired, Jack. From my job at Chicago Grace.”
“Why?”
“I had this whole plan I wanted to implement. This huge, sweeping plan. And I still believe in it. But I didn’t bother to see if it was a good fit for that hospital. I just tried to push it through. The result was a complete disaster. And the worst part was that I felt as though I’d completely let my father down by losing my job. I didn’t just want to be a good doctor there, I wanted to make a real difference in medicine... Only, once I got fired I wasn’t on the superstar track anymore. And he’d always seen me as a superstar. So it wasn’t just the firing that hurt...it was the feeling that I wasn’t good enough.”
“Maybe they weren’t good enough for you?”
“The best research hospital in the country?”
“Yes. Maybe they weren’t good enough for you.” He put his hands on her shoulders, turned her to face him. “Kat, I know something about walking away from a path that everyone else thinks you should want so you can pursue what you actually want. It never makes sense to other people. But if it makes sense to you, then that’s all that matters.”
“It must have been hard for you to grow up in such a famous family with such high expectations,” Kat said.
“You have no idea,” Jack replied. “The only person I was ever really close to was my brother Matt. As far as our parents were concerned, our hobbies were going to school and doing our homework. Anything non-academic was out of the question. And then, when I did try medical school, I could never trust any of the students or professors to be real with me. No one wanted to get to know me. They just wanted to know what it was like to be one of the Harpers.”
“For me it was different,” she said. “My family is poor, and I’m the only one who’s ever gone to medical school. I felt like I had to prove to everyone that I was good enough. And then I met Christopher, who I thought was perfect. But the more I think about what happened between us, the more I think that he may have thought he was perfect too. So I had to prove to Christopher that I could keep up, that I was good enough.”
“Like I said before—maybe he wasn’t good enough for you.”
Kat gave this some thought. It felt different to think about other people living up to her expectations for a change.
“Whatever happened back in Chicago, I’m sure your father would have understood,” Jack said. “I know you well enough by now to know that if you believed in something enough to get fired over it, then it must have been important. Being fired doesn’t matter. Being the version of yourself that you want to be is what matters.”
The version of herself that she wanted to be.
The question came at her again. Who was she? Not anyone’s fiancée, not a superstar... But today, as she sat on the hospital rooftop watching the sun go down, she felt as if she was exactly what she had always wanted to be: a doctor.
She slipped her arm through Jack’s and wondered if, amidst all the chaos and crises of the day, she might have found a little bit of inner peace.
* * *
As Kat’s first few weeks began to turn into her first few months at Oahu General Hospital, she thought that she and Jack were maintaining the guise of being in a purely professional relationship fairly well. No one seemed to suspect anything.
Selena had given Kat a few knowing looks, but had stopped after Kat had assured her with a deadpan expression that there was nothing worth discussing between herself and Jack.
It wasn’t even a lie, Kat thought. She’d said there was nothing worth discussing—not that there was nothing happening. And, since she didn’t want to discuss her trysts with Jack at all, her statement was technically true. Besides, Selena herself had suggested that Kat needed a “fling.” If this—whatever it was she was having with Jack—was just a fling, then there was no need to discuss it with anyone.
She didn’t think that she and Jack were acting any differently at work. He handed off cases to her as they came in, giving her brief, professional summaries of the patients. They nodded to each other whenever they passed in the hall, and included each other in collegial conversations.
They also slipped into the supply closet in the hospital’s rarely used west wing at every opportunity.
As far as Kat could tell, no one seemed to notice how frequently Jack needed to stock up on painkillers just moments after she happened to slip in to the closet to check on the availability of gauze.
The supply closet was the perfect place for their meetings, because it was the furthest from the ER and therefore the most rarely used. This meant that not only were they unlikely to be interrupted, but that there was plenty of empty shelf space for Kat to lean against as Jack kissed her. He was a few inches taller than her, and it helped to have a clear space where she could let her shoulders lean as she lifted her head to reach his, and where he could wrap his arms around her without fear of knocking anything over.
His nose nuzzled into her collar now, as he peppered her neck with tiny kisses. “Don’t...you have...a meeting...to get to?” he queried, between each kiss.
“Not until later,” she said, arching her back to press herself into him, pressing her mouth to his so she could explore every nook.
He twined his arms around her waist, holding her close to him, breathing in deeply as though he could inhale her very essence.
Usually, they were able to make the most of the little time they had together. But Jack’s mention of the meeting brought Kat back to earth with a crash. She’d been trying not to think about it, but now that he’d mentioned it she couldn’t get it out of her mind.
She’d hoped he wouldn’t notice her distraction, but as usual he noticed everything. “What’s wrong?” he said.
“It’s nothing. It’s just...” They’d said no emotions, but she needed someone she could talk to. “I could really use some advice,” she said. “Selena’s great, but she’s such a close friend that I worry she wouldn’t be honest with me, because she’d be
so afraid of hurting my feelings. I need some advice from someone whose opinion I respect but who doesn’t...care about me.”
She couldn’t be certain in the darkness, but she almost thought she saw him frown.
“I know we said no emotions or personal stuff,” she said, quickly.
“No, it’s okay,” he said. “How can I help?”
“Do you think I fit in here?” she asked.
He pulled away from her, looking surprised. “Of course,” he said. “Look at how well you’re doing. You’ve helped develop a vaccine for a serious illness threatening the island. You did an appendectomy when you hadn’t done one in years. How could you think you aren’t fitting in?”
She sighed. “I had a meeting with the other doctors yesterday morning. We were talking about some of the policy changes I’ve put in place since coming here. Specifically, the one that’s had the most impact on their work: the requirement that everyone spends eight hours a month working at the hospital’s walk-in clinic.”
There had been lots of grumbling about that—not without justification. The doctors felt it was an unfair increase to their workload, even though Kat had tried to adjust the schedules to prevent their hours from increasing.
“That’s really important to you, isn’t it?” Jack said. “But you’re worried about a repeat of what happened at your last hospital?”
She nodded. “At Chicago Grace I tried to get them to open up a free, nonprofit clinic. We could have subsidized the extra cost with research and grant proposals. There would have been a very slight impact on the hospital’s profits over the first three years, but that would have evened out over time.”
He winced. “I bet they didn’t like hearing that.”
“No, they really didn’t. In fact...” her face looked more worried than ever “...that’s what they fired me over.”
“What? How?”
“They wanted me to bury all my data showing that only wealthy patients improved after leaving the hospital. Those who couldn’t afford follow-up care just stayed the same or got sicker. I refused.”
“I can’t believe they fired you for something like that.”
“Maybe I should mention that when I refused I was shouting at the top of my lungs. And I may also have told the entire board of directors that they should lose their medical licenses because of their lack of compassion for poorer patients.”
“Wow! Good for you.”
“And I also told the hospital’s administrative director that he was a money-hungry prick.”
He let out a low whistle.
Kat nodded. “I know,” she said. “It doesn’t really sound like me, does it?”
“Actually, it sounds exactly like you,” he said. “I’ve never seen anyone more passionate about providing good patient care. I know it sucks, getting fired, but I’m glad you don’t have to work with those people anymore, and I’d have thought you would be too.”
“That’s the thing,” she said. “I thought the problem was that I was working in the wrong environment, with the wrong people. Everyone here’s been wonderful—except they seem to hate my changes, too. I know my idea for a nonprofit clinic can work...but only if all the doctors agree to work full shifts there. And no one seems to want to do it.”
“It sounds like a great idea,” he said. “But did you ask the doctors here what they thought about it? Or did you just rush to put your ideas into place? Did you even think about asking Marceline what she wants? Or working with Omar to figure out what he thinks would help boost patient outcomes?”
“I guess I just rushed in with my own ideas,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about what they want—I do...so much—but it’s not how I’m used to doing things. Back in Chicago, the doctors and the hospital administrators held all the authority. I can’t remember the last time a hospital administrator asked me what I might need instead of telling me about some new system they wanted to implement. That kind of thinking is exactly what I wanted to get away from, and instead I’ve just ended up recreating it here.” She looked up at him. “Do you think there’s any way I can fix this?”
“I know you can fix this,” he said. “I have a feeling you can do anything. But I’ll give you a tip: here in Hawaii, informality will get you further than formality. Spend some time talking to the staff about what they need. Take things slower. They’ll come around once they have a chance to see how passionate you are about this and that you want what’s best for them as well.”
She was smiling again. “You’re really good at this, Jack.”
“At what?”
“Helping me figure things out. I really appreciate it. And now I do need to get going, so I can get ready for my meeting.”
“Hold on—let’s get you presentable,” he said, gently smoothing her hair and tucking a few loose strands behind her ears. Then he stopped, as though a sudden thought had occurred to him. “You know, supply closets are nice...” he said.
“Yes,” she agreed. “I’m developing a certain affinity for them.”
“But they can be a little claustrophobic. I was wondering if you might be interested in meeting up in a non-closet, non-quarantine, non-enclosed-space-of-any-kind type of setting.”
She fixed him with a steady gaze. “Jack Harper, are you asking me out on a date?”
“Yes,” he said firmly. “I do believe I am.”
* * *
When Kat got off work that day she was still thinking about it.
A date. A date with Jack Harper.
It wasn’t consistent with their agreement for a purely physical arrangement, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to see what happened when they took their relationship outside of the bedroom. She was surprised, though, that of all the possible moments when Jack could have asked her to go on a date he’d done so after she’d explained how she’d been fired.
Christopher’s reaction to the news had been quite different.
Christopher was one of the best surgeons at Chicago Grace Memorial, and Kat had always believed their relationship was storybook-perfect. While they’d been dating she’d been proud to be with someone so disciplined. Christopher had always been the one to get up for a five a.m. run. He lived off kale smoothies...ate nothing but protein and vegetables...
Kat had always felt that she fell short of living up to his regimented lifestyle. But Christopher was handsome, he was disciplined, and she had thought he loved her.
She had never thought he wouldn’t support her when she was fired from Chicago Grace.
“I thought we were people who were serious about our careers,” he’d said. “I thought I was about to marry the head of internal medicine at one of the best hospitals in the country. Not an idealistic fool who would throw her career away because she can’t hold back from insulting the hospital’s board of directors. Well, I won’t be foolish with you. You can do what you like with your own reputation, but I won’t let you damage mine.”
He’d had more to say, but by then she’d slammed her engagement ring on the table and left.
At the time, she’d thought she was heartbroken. But now she wondered if her heartbreak was really about Christopher at all. Her sadness had more to do with having had to let go of the expectations and the life she’d thought she’d wanted. Christopher hadn’t been the love of her life after all—he’d simply been a symptom of a larger problem. He’d simply fitted in perfectly with her own high expectations and perfectionism, her misguided idea that she somehow had to earn the right to be accepted.
But since setting foot in Hawaii she’d begun to feel accepted just as she was. And the more time she spent with the people she cared about—Selena, her co-workers and, yes, Jack—the more she felt she didn’t need to change herself. She only needed to be herself.
CHAPTER SEVEN
KAT WAS SKEPTICAL about Jack’s plans for their date, but he assured her that shave ice w
as a beloved Hawaiian delicacy.
“You can’t truly say you’ve been to Hawaii without trying shave ice,” he said. “Personally, I think it’s an absolute travesty that you’ve been here this long without having any.”
Kat was reluctant to crush Jack’s enthusiasm, but based on his description she wasn’t sure she could see the appeal.
“It sounds like it’s basically a snow cone,” she said.
“Blasphemy,” he said. “Shave ice is nothing like a snow cone.”
“But it’s essentially shaved ice covered with syrup?”
“Okay, first of all, it’s shave ice—not shaved. Please try not to embarrass me when you order.”
“So they shave the ice...?”
“Into a very fine, snowy powder—yes. And then you pick the flavor of syrup you want to go over it.”
“So, like I said, it’s basically a snow cone.”
“Not one bit,” he said. “Don’t let anyone hear you say that. You’ll get voted off the island immediately.”
She rolled her eyes and elbowed him in the ribs.
But the shave ice did turn out to be different from a snow cone. In fact, it was different from anything she’d ever eaten before. Snowy, powder-soft ice shavings were packed on top of coconut ice cream, then covered with tropical fruit syrup and a topping of condensed milk. The result was an incredibly soft, fluffy confection that made Kat think of ice-cold pudding.
“What do you think?” asked Jack.
She took another bite and closed her eyes. “It’s like eating a cloud,” she said, “or a fluffy milkshake.”
He snorted, but she could see that he was pleased that she was enjoying the icy treat.
“A fluffy milkshake, huh?” he said. “That’s one I haven’t heard before.”
They sat down at a colorful picnic table to eat. The shave ice stand was crowded, and Kat could see that Jack was right: shave ice was extremely popular. The lawn in front of the stand was densely packed with people.
From Hawaii to Forever Page 12
