Jack pulled off the highway and parked underneath a tree just beside the road. They’d reached their destination.
As they both got out of the car, he said, “It sounds like we’ve both broken away from our old lives. And now we can figure out what to do with our new lives—what the next steps are.”
* * *
They approached the edge of the cliff at the golden hour—the hour before the sun set and cast everything with a luminous glow. It was one of Jack’s favorite spots in all Hawaii: a stretch of coastline on the island’s north shore. This part of the shoreline was made of high cliffs, with deep water below. It was an ideal spot for cliff jumping, if Kat decided she wanted to go through with it.
Being so close to the shoreline awed Jack, as it always did. And as he looked at Kat he could tell that she was just as taken by the island’s beauty as he was.
“It’s incredible,” she said. “I’ve never seen water this shade of blue before. It’s like looking at liquid lapis lazuli.”
Jack realized he’d never really taken in the islands through someone else’s eyes. Kat’s response to the wild beauty of Oahu made him feel as though he were seeing it all again for the first time.
“You love this place,” he said.
“I think I do,” she replied. “Even though I haven’t spent much time here. From the moment I got off the plane I felt like I was home. Chicago is a great city, but it’s very...flat. I’ve never seen a place that radiates so much natural beauty as Hawaii.”
Speaking of radiating beauty, Jack thought, she should see how her face softens and her eyes shine when she looks out over the cliffs.
Somewhere along their hike to the cliffs she’d plucked a plumeria flower and placed it in her hair. The effect was breathtaking now, as Kat looked out over the coast, framed by the sea and sky, her tangled red hair waving in the wind. She turned toward him and somehow, before he knew what had taken hold of him, he’d reached out and she was in his arms, her face tilted up toward his.
He felt as though she’d always belonged there—as though he’d reached out for some lost piece of himself that he hadn’t known was missing. But to have her so close was confusing. He couldn’t think clearly with her pulled into his arms, pressed against his chest, her hair smelling of flowers.
He found himself saying, “There’s no reason to be scared,” and he couldn’t be sure if he was saying it to her, or to himself.
“Scared?” she said. She looked up at him, confused. “Why would I be scared?”
A fair enough question. She rested securely in his arms and he would damn well never let any harm come to her if he could help it. She was in the safest place she could possibly be, even if she didn’t know it. So why should either of them be scared?
He searched his mind for an explanation of what he’d said—something that would make sense. “I was talking about the cliff-jumping, if you decide you want to try it,” he said. “It’s always scary the first time, but there’s nothing to be afraid of here. The water’s deep, but we’re close enough to shore that we can swim back safely, and the current isn’t overpowering.”
She looked up at him, still folded in his arms, her eyes filled with emotion. “Jumping off a cliff doesn’t scare me,” she said. “I know that might sound strange. But you were right, Jack! I was never going to learn to relax from a book. I need to try new things, and I need a thrill. I’m the kind of person who relaxes by finding excitement—not by sitting in a quiet room meditating. But before coming to Hawaii I never realized that about myself because my whole life has been about studying. I never even had a chance to experience an adrenaline rush until I started working in the ER. I don’t think I ever realized that that’s what I love about medicine: the excitement, the unpredictability, having to think quickly. At least, I didn’t realize it until I met you.”
Jack wondered if Kat could feel his heart beating underneath his shirt. He’d pulled her to him and she hadn’t pulled away. She was still resting in his arms, her head against his chest, as though she belonged there. As though she wanted to be there. As though whatever was between the two of them wasn’t about being friends, or having a physical relationship with no emotions.
She held him as though she wanted him.
She held him the same way he was holding her.
“I’m not scared of jumping off a cliff, Jack,” she continued. “Why would I be? I trust you. But I’ll tell you what I really am scared of.” She locked her eyes with his. “I’m scared of the two of us hiding from how we really feel about each other.”
And then she was kissing him, her lips seeking his with ardent desire, and he found himself kissing her back just as passionately, his tongue desperate to explore every last corner of her mouth and his arms pressing her against his body, right where she belonged.
Some time later their kisses became shorter and softer, until they simply held each other close, their foreheads pressed together.
“What do you think?” he said. “Should we take the leap?”
She looked over the cliff. “The relationship leap or the actual leap?”
“Both,” he said.
“I want to, but I’m not sure I know how,” she said.
He held her close. “I think there’s only one way to do it,” he said. “Take a running start, hold hands, and jump together.”
* * *
Kat’s head broke the surface of the water. She felt exhilarated. She looked around and for a moment was worried not to see Jack, but then there he was, swimming toward her.
The leaping off—pushing her legs up and out, away from the cliff—had been the most frightening part, but it had helped to have that running start. And it had also helped to know that Jack was holding her hand. They’d run for the edge together, holding hands for as long as they could before they leapt into the air and broke apart.
For an endless moment that had seemed to exist outside of time she’d hung in the air. It had been the closest thing to flying she’d ever experienced. With her feet springing away from land, the sea rushing toward her and the salt air surrounding her, her senses had been completely enveloped. There had been no room for her to fret about the past or worry about the future. The only moment she’d been able to completely exist in had been the present.
Then the water had rushed up to greet her and surrounded her body. She’d let herself sink, and then relaxed her body until it had naturally begun to rise toward the surface. She’d kicked her way up to the air, breaking the water’s surface with a gasp.
And now Jack was swimming toward her with sure and steady strokes.
He’d been right. About so many things. About her need for excitement. About the two of them taking a chance on one another.
He swam toward her, wrapped his arm around her waist, and kissed her.
Jumping off the cliff had felt like a microcosm of her life, she thought. You could plan and plan, she thought, but nothing could prevent you from hitting the water in the end. The question was, did you want to fall off or jump off freely, feeling the sensation of flying?
She looked over at Jack. The future would come, and life would have its twists and turns, its bumps and bruises, no matter what she did. She’d never be able to completely avoid life’s setbacks or challenges.
But she could choose who she’d be holding hands with when they came.
CHAPTER EIGHT
IN CHICAGO, IT had often been hard for Kat to face the cold gray mornings. If the sun made an appearance at all, it usually didn’t show up until nine a.m., and then it was often obscured by clouds, unless the weather was exceptionally nice that day.
But mornings in Hawaii felt as though they were taking place in another world. The sun was up early, and as a result so was Kat. Her apartment wasn’t far from the beach, and she enjoyed taking early-morning walks by the ocean as she sipped from a mug of coffee.
She
couldn’t believe how much she’d already changed during the time she’d spent in Hawaii. No one back home would ever have thought of her as a morning person. But the early hours before her shifts at the hospital were now her favorite part of the day. It was so relaxing to hear the rush of the ocean mixed with the wind and birdsong in her ears.
She smiled to herself. Just a few short months ago she hadn’t known how to relax, let alone how to relax at the beach. She’d been worried she might have permanently lost her ability to live in the moment. She’d spent so long trying to build her career that she’d forgotten to focus on herself as a person.
But whatever it was she might have lost after the breakup, and everything that had happened on the Day of Doom, she’d managed to get it back. Apparently she had no trouble being spontaneous anymore. Hadn’t she signed up for surfing lessons just that morning?
She couldn’t wait to tell Jack. He’d mentioned that surfing was something he’d never gotten around to learning. She wondered if they might be able to learn together. Or maybe she could take the lessons on her own and then teach him. Her mind hummed with possibilities as she made her way back to her apartment.
She’d left her phone on the kitchen counter so that it wouldn’t distract her from her walk—something the Old Kat never would have done. In the past she’d had to obsessively check her emails and other messages before she even got out of bed, but now she liked to savor those early moments before she started her day.
She picked up the phone. It was early, but she saw that someone had already tried to call her several times that morning. The number had a Chicago area code, though she didn’t recognize it as belonging to her mother or to any of her friends.
The voicemail was fuzzy and crackly, but the important parts came through. Chicago Grace Memorial had had a major overturn in staff. There was a new hospital director, and the voicemail was from the director herself.
She said she understood that Kat’s recent firing had been the result of some differences in vision between Kat and the former hospital director. But now he had been let go, along with several members of the hospital’s board, so would Kat be interested in having her old job back? With an increase in pay and a promotion to Head of Internal Medicine? Chicago Grace wanted her to return very much. Could she call back as soon as possible, to let them know if she was interested?
Kat gasped. Of course she was interested. This was everything she’d ever wanted.
And yet somehow, she felt...flat.
She thought of all the things she’d need to do, but it was as if she were going over a laundry list. She needed to pack, to talk to Selena, to transition all her patients at Oahu General to other doctors...
Her mind went through the list mechanically. Four months ago she would have been thrilled to get a job offer like this. But now she wasn’t sure how she felt.
Without thinking, she pulled a suitcase from underneath her bed and began throwing items of clothing into it.
Wait, she thought. You haven’t even called this woman back yet. You need a timeline...you need to prepare...you need to make a checklist of all the things you have to do to get ready to go back...
She froze. She had to go, didn’t she? People didn’t just turn down opportunities like this. Who knew when another chance would come along?
But if this was such a clear choice why did she feel so flat? She’d only intended to stay for a year in the first place. Selena probably wouldn’t mind if she needed to negotiate a few months off her contract. Or maybe the hospital in Chicago could be convinced to let her stay the whole year in Hawaii and resume her work there after her contract was up.
There was so much to do. Should she call the hospital director back first or talk to Selena first? When should she tell Selena she was leaving?
Then her heart flipped over.
When would she tell Jack she was leaving?
And was she leaving?
She realized she was treating it as a foregone conclusion. But was it really what she wanted?
She paused for a moment and searched her feelings. She wanted to stay here in Hawaii. But she also missed Chicago.
She’d done the thing she’d been trying so hard not to do the moment she’d first laid eyes on Jack. She’d fallen for him. Leaving him was going to break her heart all over again. But it was her chance to get her career back on track.
Or was it?
Somehow, the idea of returning to Chicago Grace Memorial didn’t thrill her the way she’d thought it would. She was just reacting automatically, without asking herself what she really wanted.
But what did she want?
She stood in her apartment, listening to the silence. Just a moment ago she had felt so happy. Now she had no idea what she wanted at all.
* * *
“So that’s the situation,” Kat told Selena later that morning. “They’ve had a change in the hospital administration and they’ve decided they want me back.”
“I knew it was too good to be true,” Selena muttered. “I get one of the top infectious disease researchers in the country to work at my hospital and of course she’s going to leave after only four months.”
“That’s just it,” said Kat. “I’m not so sure I want to leave.”
Selena’s eyebrows shot up. “How could you not want to leave? I mean, I love this hospital, but even I have to admit that it’s no Chicago Grace. We’re a good hospital, but Chicago has the researchers and the prestige and the funding—”
Kat cut her off. “I know it has all of those things. And I feel like I’m supposed to want those things... But I’m not sure that I still actually do want them.”
“Well, if that’s how you feel then it sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do—Wait a minute,” Selena said abruptly. “Is there something you haven’t told me?”
“Like what?” said Kat innocently.
“Like maybe the situation has deepened between you and a certain dark-haired, blue-eyed paramedic?”
For a moment Kat felt a sense of shock that Selena had clearly guessed that something was going on between herself and Jack.
Oh, what the hell? More than anything right now, you need to talk this over with a friend.
She felt a little guilty, because it was Jack’s secret as well as hers. But she needed her friend’s advice.
“Jack and I have been seeing each other—” she began.
Selena squealed and said, “I knew it!”
“It started out as a purely physical thing. We promised not to get our emotions involved. But then, somehow... I think our emotions did get involved.”
“And do you regret that?” asked Selena.
“The only thing I’m certain of right now is that I don’t know how I feel,” Kat said.
“Have you told Jack that you’ve been offered this new job back at your old hospital?”
“No,” said Kat. “And I’m not going to. Not yet, anyway. It’s a big decision, and I feel like I have to make it myself.”
“Why don’t you take the next few days off while you think it over?” said Selena.
“A few days off? I don’t need that. And the last thing I want to do right now is take time off when I might be about to leave anyway. You asked me to come down here to help you out. I don’t want to leave you in the lurch.”
“Kat, we’re fine. This is actually a really good time for you to take some time off. We’re not facing any upcoming outbreaks right now. Thanks to the vaccine, and your initiative with the outpatient clinic, there’s been a noticeable reduction in cases coming through the ER. With better access to follow-up care patients are less likely to need emergency response, because we’re catching things early instead of at the last possible minute, when things are in crisis. So, largely thanks to you, we do have a moment for a breather right now.”
“Time off, huh...?” said Kat. “It was ba
d enough when I spent just a few hours stuck in quarantine. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself if I’m not at the hospital.”
Selena put her hand on Kat’s shoulder. “You don’t need to connect with your doctor self right now,” she said. “You need to figure out what you want for you.”
* * *
Jack stood outside, stunned by what he was hearing. Selena’s office door was open just a crack. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop; he’d been coming to Selena’s office to follow up on a request for some of the EMTs’ time off to be approved. But he’d stopped when he’d noticed that she and Kat seemed to be having a private conversation.
Just as he’d turned away, he’d heard Selena.
“Have you told Jack that you’ve been offered this new job back at your old hospital?”
He’d frozen. When had that happened? How long had Kat known? And why had she decided not to tell him?
Now, as the initial shock wore off, he realized he was still hovering outside the door. He quietly eased himself away from the entrance to Selena’s office and headed into a stairwell down the hall so he could think.
It shouldn’t bother him that Kat might be leaving. She’d only ever planned to stay for one year.
But she’d been on the island for...he mentally calculated the days since they’d met...a little over four months. He hadn’t expected that she would leave so soon.
And if she did leave what did it matter to him? She had a life back in Chicago, and they’d both always known that she’d planned to return to it. So what if that happened much sooner than either of them had expected? They’d both agreed to have a fling. A no-strings-attached, no-expectations, no-commitment island fling.
For the rest of the afternoon he tried to avoid her as he went about his duties at the hospital. He knew he’d want to confront her if they spoke, but he didn’t know why. For some reason the thought of Kat leaving seemed to have awakened something ugly in his chest—something angry and hurt and furious at the unfairness of it all. And whatever that ugly beast was he needed to hide it from Kat—because, rationally, he knew it made no sense.
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