by M. D. Melai
As I sat on the beach looking at the full moon and listening to the waves crash onto the shore, I realized I had more questions than answers. The only way I was going to get them was to go home. I had avoided my family for long enough, and even though I was mad and confused, that didn’t mean I didn’t love them. And honestly, I missed them and Emilio like crazy.
I even missed working. The owners of the villa we had been renting were going to be in for a big surprise when they returned. Violet and I had done a complete makeover of the inside. It drove us crazy that we had been living in a place that had not been modernized. It was much needed, but most importantly, it was a good distraction.
“Do you think it was a good idea to come back?” Violet asked as she brought me out of my memories.
“Definitely,” I said. “I need answers, and I know you’re ready to be home with Dante.”
“I have missed him,” Violet said as she smiled.
We should have returned weeks ago. Emilio had called and let us know things were clear to return anytime we wanted. I had put it off for an entire month and a half, and I would have stayed longer if it wasn’t for Violet. I noticed how sad she would get after every phone call with Dante. It wasn’t fair to her anymore.
“Speaking of answers,” Violet said as her tone changed to a more serious one. “I know you don’t want to talk about Lucas—”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I cut her off. “How many times do I have to say it?”
Violet took a deep breath. “I know you don’t, but you need to at least listen to me for two seconds.” She paused as she waited for me to respond.
I looked at her and reluctantly nodded.
“Before you step off this plane, you need to know that Lucas isn’t a threat to you despite what you think. And as your nearest and dearest friend, I suggest when you aren’t so upset anymore that you allow him to explain himself.”
“We’ll see,” I said as I glared at her.
“Ladies,” the pilot said over the intercom, interrupting our conversation. “We should be landing in less than thirty minutes.”
Thirty minutes?
My heart started beating fast, and I could feel myself starting to panic. Before Violet could see it on my face, I quickly got up and excused myself to the restroom.
I couldn’t get there and lock the door fast enough.
Hold it together.
My face felt like it was on fire, so I turned the water on, splashed some on my face, and hoped it would help cool me down. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing.
Slow deep breaths. Slow deep breaths.
I stood there for a few more minutes as I tried to gain control of myself. I thought I had been ready to come home and face everything. Enough time had passed and I could deal with it.
As I looked into the mirror, I was supposed to see a sun-kissed, confident woman, but all I saw was a pale, panicked girl staring back at me. As I traced the scar on my left cheek, I saw the harsh reality of my now permanent reminder of that night, and I knew I wasn’t ready.
This was a mistake. I should never have come back here.
Chapter 2
The sun was searing as I stepped off the plane and into the hot New Jersey air. I spent ten minutes in the bathroom trying to convince myself that I could do this and that I was strong enough to make it. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I made my way down the steps. I took several deep breaths as I reiterated that I could get through this.
When I reached the last step, I took one final deep breath. My heart rate had slowed to a steady pace before quickly rising again. This time it wasn’t because of fear, but from excitement. I realized, in that moment, that I was finally going to see Emilio.
Violet and I went through baggage claim and customs as quickly as possible and made our way to arrivals. I knew that the moment I saw Emilio, I wouldn’t be able to contain myself. As the sliding glass doors opened, I immediately started scanning the room. He was nowhere in sight. Instead, we were greeted by the last person we ever expected.
Lorenzo, one of Emilio’s most trusted employees, was smiling brightly back at Violet and me. I had spent some time with him after Roman’s death when I returned back to New Jersey. He was an introvert and mostly kept to himself. Along with Paolo, another one of Emilio’s employees, Lorenzo guarded the house and did exclusive errands for Emilio.
I could tell by the sigh in Violet’s voice that he wasn’t who she was expecting either. I genuinely smiled back at him. I wanted him to know that even though he wasn’t who we were expecting, I was still happy to see him.
He greeted us with a warm hug and helped us load our ridiculous amount of luggage into the back of the SUV. Once we were on the road, Lorenzo asked us how our trip went. Violet and I told him about everything we had done while we were gone and before we knew it, we were pulling up to the gate of our home.
It looked exactly how I remembered it. A huge gate blocked the entrance and security was just as heavy as before. It looked like I was about to reenter my old routine of being constantly protected and watched.
Lorenzo leaned out the driver side window, punched in his code, and placed his finger on the pad to be scanned. Then it asked a personal question out loud and he quickly punched in the answer on the keypad.
That’s new.
“They’re not here either,” Lorenzo said as he pulled up in front of the house.
“Oh,” Violet and I said in unison.
“How did you know that’s what we were thinking?” I asked.
“Because I’m not blind or stupid. I could see the disappointment in both of your eyes when you saw me,” he said as he put the car in park and opened his door.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I opened my door, got out, and followed him to the back of the SUV.
“Don’t apologize,” he said, smiling. “Emilio and Dante were just as upset when they were told it was me coming to get you two and not them.”
“Why was it you?” Violet asked as she climbed out of the vehicle. “Not that seeing you wasn’t as wonderful as ever, but—”
Lorenzo laughed. “Because someone else wanted to see you first. She has been patiently waiting inside for both of you.”
She?
He must have sensed my confusion. “Your mother is inside,” he said pulling out the first suitcase from the back.
Mamma!
I immediately ran toward the house. I should have felt bad for leaving Lorenzo to unload all of my luggage, but I didn’t. I had never even thought about my mother being here. I was prepared for Emilio and not her, but I was so happy it was her. I hadn’t realized it on the ride here, but she was exactly who I needed to see.
I opened the front door forcefully, and there she was, on the couch, reading a book. Her reading glasses sat perfectly on the end of her nose, like they always did when she had them on. I had startled her, and it took her a moment to gain her bearings.
“Liliana!” my mother cried once she realized it was me. She quickly jumped up off the couch and headed toward me. I couldn’t get to her fast enough, and I crashed into her before she made it two steps. I pulled her in close and held her tight.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her when I finally let her go and pulled away from her.
“I wanted to see you first,” she said, smiling, before turning toward Violet. “Hello Violet, it’s good to see you as well.”
“Hello Mrs. D,” Violet said as she gave my mother a hug.
“How about we sit down?” she said motioning towards the dining room. “I would love to hear all about your adventure. I made some lemonade and cookies while I waited, and dinner is in the oven.”
“So that’s what smells so good,” Violet stated as we headed into the dining room. In the middle of the table was a plate full of cookies and a pitcher of lemonade, along with three empty glasses. We all sat down, poured ourselves some lemonade, and Violet and I began telling my mother about our Jamaican vacation.
> She listened and laughed as we told her about our adventures. We explained that having two directionally challenged women on an island made it really hard to get around, but after getting lost several times, we stopped worrying so much. We figured since we were on an island, how far could we possibly go? When we did get lost, we ended up finding some of the most amazing sites, which we wouldn’t have found otherwise.
I neglected to tell my mother about the countless hours I had spent lost in my own thoughts as I watched the waves roll in and out. I also didn’t want to mention that I still woke up screaming from nightmares and that coming home was making me have panic attacks. She would worry about me and I didn’t want that. Violet hovering over me was enough. Who could blame me though? I had had the worst year of my life.
“It was just what we needed to relax and…,” Violet paused before finishing up the end of her story, “center ourselves again.”
“Well, it sounds like it,” my mother said. “I wish I could have been there.”
“We can go back,” I blurted out a little eagerly. “Anytime you want. Tomorrow even?”
After I realized that returning here was a mistake, I wanted to turn around and head back to Jamaica as fast as I could. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that choice, so any opportunity that presented itself in the future, I was going to take.
“Oh Liliana,” she laughed. “You just got home.”
Yes I did, and I already want to leave again.
“Maybe during Christmas or New Year’s?” she said, still laughing.
“Okay, sounds good.” I faked a smile for the first time since I had walked through the door.
We sat there for a few more minutes. Violet and I sipped our lemonade, and I watched as my mother’s demeanor quickly changed. I could tell she was struggling with something. A few times it looked like she was going to say something, but paused and went back into thought. I knew I wasn’t ready for this conversation. I had only seen my mother act like this a few times in my life, and every time it didn’t end well.
“We need to discuss a few things before the men arrive,” she finally said as she sat up straight. Her thoughts were collected and her voice was stern. “I know that you have come into some new information about our family and I just wanted to make sure both of you understand a few things.”
Violet and I both straightened up at her tone. Was she going to give me the answers I needed? The answer I wanted?
“First off, this family is the same family it was before you knew and it will remain the same after. Nothing has changed. We are all the same people, and as a family unit, we will continue to support each other in everything we do, as well as love each other without any judgments.”
I loved my family and that wasn’t going to change, but supporting this lifestyle was a whole different feeling. I still hadn’t decided exactly how I felt about it.
“There are a few unspoken rules though,” she began before pausing and looking at both Violet and me. When she noticed that she had our undivided attention she continued. “In this life, we don’t ask questions. The men’s business is their business. They live their lives, we live ours. We live comfortably and are protected. We do not involve ourselves in their lives. You and I, as women, just let them deal with whatever crisis may arise and trust that it will be resolved.”
I shook my head in disbelief. Was she telling us to ignore the world around us and to go back to being ignorant? My face felt like it was on fire as my heart rate sped up. I couldn’t stop myself.
“Are you telling me to ignore this… this lifestyle?” I blurted out. “You’re out of your mind!” I stood up as my mother glared at me with narrowed eyes. “You can’t even acknowledge what we are! We’re the damn mafia... the MAFIA Mamma! It means I’m living in the middle of The Godfather and you want to know what the worst part is?” I stared at my mother while Violet watched with wide eyes.
When no one spoke up, I continued. “The worst part is no one in this entire family thought ‘hey this might be a crucial piece of information we may want to let Lily know before, you know, she gets attacked twice, sees her brother shot, buries her friend, or gets kidnapped by a bunch of insane people!’ No one thought that maybe I might have needed to know something important like that! Why keep it from me?” My chest was rising and falling as anger coursed through my body.
“Lily, sweetheart,” my mother spoke calmly. “Calm down. There is no need to get worked up. And to answer your question, the women usually don’t even know they are associated with the mafia. They suspect, but never ask directly. I know, because of who your father is and how high his rank is, but in your case, the less you knew, the more protected you were.”
“Well, that worked out well didn’t it mother,” I smarted back.
“Liliana Evelina Dapprima!” she yelled as she jumped up out of her chair. “I’m your mother and you will not talk to me like that again! Do you hear me? I will not allow that kind of behavior. I know you’re angry and upset, but I will not tolerate you being this disrespectful!”
For a moment I felt like I was having a conversation with my father. He had said those exact same words to me on many occasions. My mother, on the other hand, had never spoken to me like that. I needed to distance myself from this conversation before things developed into something worse.
“I'm done,” I said as I threw up my hands and headed towards the stairs. I could hear my mother still calling out to me as I reached them, but I didn’t care, nor did I want to hear anything else she had to say. Violet was at my heels and caught me before I made it up one step.
“Lily,” she began as she put her hand on my shoulder, but I cut her off.
“Not now Violet,” I said in a hushed voice as I shrugged her hand off. “I… I can’t deal with this right now.” And with that I headed up the stairs.
***
I stood staring out my window for a while as I watched the sun start to set. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be on the beach right now. I loved my family and that wasn’t going to change, but I wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to this new revelation. I felt naïve, and I never wanted to feel that way again.
I completely disagreed with their occupational choice. I knew my family loved each other fiercely and that we would go to any length to protect each other, but I couldn’t help but think about the ‘any length.’ I had only seen a portion of what that might be and I couldn’t imagine how much worse it may get. I tried not to let my mind go there. This was my family. I still had to look them in the eyes at the end of the day.
Even with all that, what upset me the most was why they couldn’t have trusted me with knowing who they were? Who we were?
I didn’t know how long I had been staring out the window, lost in my own thoughts, when I heard a knock at my door.
“Go away,” I yelled.
“Not going to happen,” he called through the door.
“I don’t want to see you!” I lied.
“That’s not what you said last night,” he laughed.
“Dreamed about me last night, huh?” I called back as I took one last look out the window, before I headed towards my door. I tried to pretend for one moment that his voice didn’t set my heart fluttering or that I wasn’t about to open the door and see the face I had been missing for months now.
“You can deny it all you want, but I heard it with my own two ears that you missed me.”
“Sounds like you need too...,” I said, but was caught mid-sentence as I flung open the door and saw Emilio leaning against the door frame, his face inches from mine. I couldn’t help but stand there and just look at him. He was so handsome.
I hadn’t seen Emilio since he and Dante placed Violet and me on the plane. In the beginning, he constantly checked on me while we were gone. If I hadn’t moved in over an hour, he would call Violet and check to make sure I was still wearing my necklace. Violet would reassure him everything was okay and that we were safe.
After Violet and I ha
d boarded the plane to go to Jamaica, she handed over the necklace to me and I gladly placed it securely around my neck again. She told me Emilio said to tell me, “Lily don’t you EVER take that necklace off again.” She sounded exactly like him. It was scary. And since then, it hasn’t left my neck.
“Hi,” I finally said with a smile.
“Hey,” he said, smiling back.
I paused as I tried to think of something to say. His gorgeous gray eyes entranced me and I was at a loss for words.
“Are you going to let me in?” he spoke up, bringing me out of my daze.
“Yes,” I said as I cleared my throat. My cheeks warmed from blushing with embarrassment. I moved out of his way as he passed by me and sat on my bed. I quickly followed and took a seat beside him. He wasted no time as he grabbed my hand and held it tight.
“How are you?” he asked with concerned eyes.
Emilio knew everything. Violet had kept him updated daily, so I didn’t have to pretend with him. He never talked or asked me about what happened. I knew he was just waiting for me to open up about it.
“I'm… surviving,” I said as I laid my head on his shoulder. “I feel like I’m suffocating here, like I can’t catch my breath anymore and I haven’t even been home for six hours.”
“Is that why you yelled at your mother?”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Liliana…” he began, but I stopped him.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. We’re in a good place, and if I start to think about it, I’m just going to get more upset. And since you’re part of this whole messed up situation, it would be in your best interest not to bring it up again until I can come to terms with some of this.”
“Okay. I won’t bring it up again,” he said as he kissed the top of my head. “On a good note, I’m very happy you’re back. I have missed you more than you could ever imagine.”
“I missed you too,” I said as I squeezed his hand.
