by J. L. Drake
I made a quick call to my own parents to ask them to check in on her as much as possible. Turned out Mom was already on her way over there with a bottle of wine and takeout.
“You keep your head focused on your own safety, son.” My father cleared his throat. I knew he was watching the news. “We will take care of Lexi. You just make sure you get home in one piece.”
“Love ya, Dad.”
“I love you too, son, and I’m very proud of you.”
I pushed the guilt aside and enjoyed my father’s voice. He was my rock, and I couldn’t imagine him not in my life.
Oh, Lexi, I wish I could hold you.
***
Some of my buddies who were struggling from the latest attacks started to gather outside the cafeteria. It suddenly clicked that it was Friday night, so I took a bottle of water and headed out to join them.
The sergeant pulled up in a green truck, and we all hopped in the back. No one said much on the way over. Most just stared down at their feet. Spirits were low, and I wondered if this was how it was going to be for the rest of my time here.
I had no clue where we were going, but the fact that we were moving along without fear of an IED exploding made me relax a bit, and I was able to shake off some of the heaviness.
Once we made it over to the far right side of the base, we stopped at the foot of a high mountain. You could see the peak in the distance. Jumping out, I saw four men were already there with a roaring bonfire and tubs of beer.
“You came.” General Logan gave me a friendly nod and joined my side.
“I did.” He handed me a beer. “Thank you, sir.”
“I heard you got a phone call yesterday.”
How did he know?
“I did.” I pushed the hurt down. “My girlfriend’s parents were murdered at a gas station.”
“I’m really sorry about that, son.” His tone was sincere, and I knew he really did mean it. The more I got to know the general, the more I liked him. “How’s she dealing with it?”
“Not that great.”
“I don’t imagine.”
“How ironic is it that our loved ones back home are being killed senselessly? It’s supposed to be here in this godforsaken place that those things are expected to happen.”
“I hear you. Sometimes it makes no sense, no sense at all.”
A private climbed up on the lip of the cliff and waited for us to quiet down.
“Hello.” His voice was thick with an accent. “I’m from Alaska, and my name is Private Tikaani, which means wolf.” He cleared his throat. “Thank you for coming tonight. I know a lot of us have lost some close friends, and even family. We don’t have our loved ones with us to mourn, so I thought it would be nice to say goodbye in a different way.”
I moved closer so I could hear better.
“In my family, we would gather like this around the elements of life.” He gathered some dirt in his hand and let it sprinkle out the bottom. “We have earth, air, fire, and water.” He pointed to his beer with a smile, and a few chuckled.
“Right now, we are one with the universe. Now it’s time to let hurt go and let their energy be free.” He then pointed to the sky. “We have the souls of our ancestors to help guide our loved ones on to their next journey. Normally, we’d sit around and share stories, but sometimes it’s not enough, sometimes we need a jolt to the system.”
He smiled again right before a loud bang went off behind us. We all jumped out of our skin, only to laugh when a bright green spark of fire shot into the air and burst into a trillion sparkles.
General Logan smacked my shoulder with a laugh, then we watched as more and more fireworks were set off into the night sky.
Tikaani was right. We did need a jolt to the system to let go and move forward.
Afterward, I found myself picking his brain. I enjoyed the way Tikaani looked at life. It was refreshing and made sense. He gave me hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. I shared my situation with Lexi, and he seemed to be a great shoulder to lean on.
***
The next few months blew by. I asked many times to go home, but since Lexi wasn’t my wife or immediate family, and due to the shortage of men, they wouldn’t even consider it. Regardless, it was a hard thing to hear.
There were definite pros and cons to being a good soldier. You were on everyone’s radar, and because of that you got pulled into multiple tasks. I barely had a moment to stop and often found myself a walking zombie. Bed was my savior.
I tried to call Lexi, but honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew whenever we hung up it got harder and harder for her. So, I struggled to know what to do, thinking when I got home and she was in my arms and she knew I was safe I could explain things.
General Logan always seemed to be around. He never said much; he just watched. We’d had several discussions, and I knew he wanted to recruit me to his special ops program eventually. I knew he had some sort of private base mid-country somewhere. The details were “need to know” and only if I was interested and ready for it. I knew I wasn’t ready, and I needed to do a few years in Washington first. I had a lot more to learn. Besides, joining him would mean I had to move there, and that wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to ask Lexi to marry me, and I knew I would need to talk it over with her. I wasn’t going to fall into that trap again.
I opened the small wooden box and placed a bright green stone Tikaani had given me in it. He had explained it meant hope to his people, and there was a little note inside. Flowers were carved around the curved lid, and little circles raced around the border. Locking it shut with its tiny hook, I wrapped it up in bubble wrap and put it in the envelope. I handed it off to my buddy who would add it to the outgoing mail. I may be miles away, but she’d at least know I was thinking of her.
“Keith.” My sergeant stood in the door of my corridor. “I need to speak with you.”
***
Lexi
I didn’t feel much anymore. I got up go to school, where I didn’t retain much, and came home. I then slept and did it all over again. I barely saw Elliot. He’d been hanging out with Antonio and his crew. I guessed they helped him cope. Frankly, the Almas Perdidas scared the shit out of me. They were a nasty street gang with ties to the Crips in L.A. Antonio had been up for murder twice, but somehow it was always someone else who did it. Although I did like his brother, Juan. He had been around a lot, making sure I was all right, and for that I was very grateful.
My finger dug under the tab and ran across the sticky paper to free the letter. It had been sitting on my counter for three days. It was from my school, and I had pretty good idea what it was.
We regret to inform you that you have been dropped from four of your classes.
Therefore, you need to reenroll next year.
Of course, more shit to add to the pile. I rubbed my head and tried not to let the loneliness sink back in. It was a constant battle since I moved back into my parents’ house. It was the right choice, as I had found a distant cousin sifting through my dad’s financial records one afternoon. It didn’t take me long to realize I didn’t have anyone left but Elliot. The last notice to pay the mortgage haunted me, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to sell the house. Things were falling apart, not just on the inside, but now on the outside.
My phone vibrated and my stomach rolled as I picked it up.
Jessica: Hi sweetheart, just making sure you’re doing okay since we spoke about Keith. I know it’s hard, but this wasn’t a choice for him. Call whenever. We love you, Lexi. Xo.
My heart twisted and the pain came on full force. I hated everything about the Army. I hated that Keith left, and the fact that he chose to put himself in constant danger festered inside me. And now he said he had to stay an extra two months!
I jumped off the counter and rested my head on the cool marble. I wanted to cry and hit something all at the same time. Life wasn’t fair. Bottom line, this mess was all my doing. If I hadn’t been in that office and wit
nessed that horrible, sadistic shit, my family would still be safe and happy in Canada.
But you wouldn’t have Keith, my mind reminded me. The hell with that. I didn’t have him now, anyway.
My gaze flipped up to the little wooden box I got in the mail yesterday. I couldn’t bring myself to read the note yet, but the stone was gorgeous, and I hoped to make it into a necklace someday. It was thoughtful of him, and I would cherish it forever. Keith was always so considerate, I thought to myself, then a flash of anger pushed aside the good feeling and took over.
Everyone seemed to be moving forward, and I was stuck here with my memories of death and with no one who cared enough to help me. Even Elliot was always off with his new buddies and that girl.
None of this was fair! I kicked the buffet behind me. A drawer flew forward and fell to the floor.
I dropped to my knees and starting picking up the things that had fallen out and stopped when I found a little black baggie. Curious, I opened it and dropped three joints onto my hand. Oh, Dad.
With a glass of wine and a joint between my fingers, I headed out to the back porch and curled up on an overstuffed chair. The back yard looked over a small lake that we shared with three other homes. It was peaceful and exactly what I needed at the moment. Lighting the tip, I watched as the orange flame nipped away at the green bud. With a deep suck, I drew the smoke into my lungs and waited for the trip I hoped would come. Anything was better than the feeling of anger that had been building for the past month and half.
My phone vibrated, so I pulled it free from my sweater.
Ken: Getting a little worried about you, sweetheart. It’s been three weeks since we’ve seen you.
I closed my eyes. I knew they worried; they’d been wonderful through everything that had happened. However, the last time I was over, they were so loving and warm toward the four sisters, and so supportive of Keith, that I felt even more empty and even more like an outsider. All I brought to anyone was a dark cloud I couldn’t seem to shake. No one wanted to be around someone who was angry and depressed. It just pulled the mood down in any room I was in.
Lexi: I’m all right, just need some time to think. Xo.
Ken: Our door is always open and we are always just a phone call away.
Hot tears stung my eyes while I pushed away yet another person. How did I explain the level of darkness growing inside? It almost scared me. It was starting to consume me to a point where happiness didn’t even seem appealing anymore.
My phone went off again, and I almost cursed out the Keith family, but I turned it over and saw it wasn’t them at all.
Juan: Be ready in ten. On my way over.
Juan was the one person who didn’t want to know how I was doing. He was just bored and wanted to hang out. He was nothing like his brother Antonio.
Lexi: Back porch, ready when you are.
Here we go.
***
I should have been pissed. I should have been nervous of the outcome. I should have cared, but I didn’t. The cop gave me a scolding for hanging inside the university pool after hours. Juan and I had brought a case of beer to the pool just to hang out somewhere warm. Thirty minutes later, we were sitting inside a squad car getting a lecture from an old high school friend, Clark, now Officer Clark Adams.
He removed Juan after reading him his rights and had someone take him to the station, as he had some prior convictions.
“What the hell, Lex?” Clark twisted around in his seat to talk to me, looking confused.
I shrugged. His eyes softened as he looked out the window at his partner.
Clark had always been there for me, even when my parents…I rubbed my neck, uncomfortable even thinking the words. I knew Keith told him to watch out for me, and it was nice, but I didn’t want that now.
“We’ve spoken about this before, Lexi. Juan is not someone to be hanging around with. Nothing but bad news follows the guy. Look, I’ll give you a warning, but you have to get your shit together. He and Antonio are at the top of the Almas Perdidas, and they are dangerous men.”
Here comes the speech.
“They kill people for no reason. They just beat up the clerk at the auto shop because he called the cops when he found evidence of blood in their trunk. He won’t be able to walk again for a long-ass time.” He checked the time on his phone, then thought for a moment. “Is this because of Elliot, you know, hanging out with them?”
That hurt a bit. Elliot did spend a lot of time with Antonio and their sister. I guessed there was a part of me that just wanted to see what he saw in them. Plus, I wanted my brother back.
He waited for me to respond, but I just looked away. He sighed and turned back around, then we left the campus.
The ride was quiet, and Clark kept watching me in the rearview mirror. I knew he wanted me to speak, but I had nothing to say.
“Two more months until Keith comes home. That must be exciting for you.”
My eyes met his in the mirror and held them there for a moment before I went back to the window. He should have been back now.
We rolled into my driveway, and I waited for him to open my door since it was locked. The moment he did, I stepped out and slipped my bag over my shoulder.
“Hey.” He grabbed my arm, turning me to look at him. “Lexi.”
“I’m not fine, Clark.” My honesty shocked me, but I went with it, with my arms in the air. “Not sure if I ever will be.”
“Keith will be home soon. Things will all be okay then.”
I stared him down for his comment before I gave him a squeeze on the arm.
“Thank you for the ride home, and the free pass.”
With that, I went back into my dark, empty, lifeless house.
I ended up turning off my phone as a number of texts and calls came through from Keith’s parents. Clark couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
***
That was how I spent the next two weeks, seeing as little of the light of day as possible.
Go away, world.
“Hey!” His muffed voice echoed through the dark living room. “Open up!”
Peeling myself off the couch, I trudged to the door, unlocking it, and found myself face to face with Juan and a bottle of vodka.
“Thought you might be up for a little fun.” He stepped inside and looked around. “Umm, love what you did with the place.” He kicked a pizza box before he handed me my jacket.
“I didn’t know you were out of jail.” My arm got caught up in the sleeve, and I pulled out a scarf, tossing it on the back of the couch.
“Never in there for long.” He winked. “Now, let’s go have some fun.”
Sure, why not?
***
Keith
The second my feet hit the tarmac, I let out a long, heavy breath. I was home. Forty minutes later, I was debriefed, had returned my M-16, and was issued my leave pass. Freedom!
With a shift of my duffle bag, I headed toward my mother. She was already crying, and my father was grinning like he just won the lotto. My sisters were holding a sparkly sign that read ‘Welcome Home, Big Brother!’
I scanned the crowd but didn’t see her. I pushed the disappointment down and ran into my mom’s arms. I was such a momma’s boy, and I didn’t care.
“Oh, my boy!” She sobbed into my shoulder. “I barely recognized you.”
“I missed you so much.” I squeezed her hard before my dad pulled me into his hug.
“You’re in one piece, and that’s all I wanted to see.” I knew he was proud, but he worried about what went on over there.
My sisters took their turns mauling me. I shared a moment with each until I got to Two, who gave me a worried look.
“Where is she?” I asked.
“She wanted us to have our time first.”
I almost rolled my eyes at such a ridiculous notion. Like she wasn’t part of the family.
“Look, she’s really not herself since you left, and when her parents died, something changed.” She grabbed m
y arm. “Seriously, I’m worried about her.”
“Okay.” I gave the best smile I could before I kissed her cheek.
“So, son.” Dad came to my side. “What would you like to do first?”
I looked around at the rest of the soldiers, some who had become like family and who were greeting their loved ones, some meeting their newborn children for the first time with such happiness. I turned back to my parents and sisters.
“I wanna go home!”
“I like that idea.” He grinned and offered to take my bag. I let him because he needed to do something. I understood that.
“Wait!” Tikaani called out from behind me. “Here.” He handed me a key chain with a small carved wolf in sandstone. “Something to remember the fallen and how to let go Alaskan style.”
I pulled him into a hug and patted his shoulder.
“Thank you, Tikaani. Keep in touch, you hear?”
“Same to you, brother.”
Once we got home, I ran up to my room and took a long shower. Wiping the mirror clear, I looked at myself and realized Iraq changed me, but in a good way. Though we had lost a lot of great men, I knew the Army was made for me.
My thumb hovered over the screen of my phone.
Keith: I’m home, you going to come over? Or would you like me to come and get you?
Lexi: Happy to hear that. You need to be with your family right now.
Seriously?
Keith: You are my family too.
Nothing.
I got dressed and found my mother in the kitchen. “Do you mind if I slip out real quick before the barbeque? I promise I won’t be more than an hour.”
Her face softened; she knew what I was doing.
