by Kirk Scroggs
Suddenly, the zombies casually strolled in through the back door, which had been left unlocked!
CHAPTER 15
UP YONDER!
“QUICK!” I yelled. “Everybody run upstairs, where there's absolutely no chance of escape!”
All twenty-seven of us piled into Grampa and Gramma's bedroom, and we blocked the door with Gramma's collection of romance novels.
“Well,” announced Grampa, “that should keep them out for at least ten minutes!”
CHAPTER 16
The Blame Game
“Why is this happening?” asked our hysterical neighbor Loretta Cartwright. “Why are zombies roaming Gingham County?”
“It's the solar eclipse!” shouted old man Romero.
“I think it was something in that barbecue!” said Betty Hubris. Gramma found this statement particularly hurtful.
“NONSENSE!”I interrupted. “There is a perfectly logical reason for what's happened. It's all her fault! Vera, the lunch lady! The second she arrived, everything went haywire! She's evil… evil!!!”
“WILEY!” bellowed Gramma, her anger meter in the red. “I am ashamed of you! Don't you know it's not polite to blame the dead rising from their graves on a dinner guest?”
I must admit, I felt a little silly.
All of a sudden, a meow for help caught our attention and we rushed to the window!
“Oh no!” should gramma. “Merle's trapped in the garden shed and the zombies are coming for him!”
CHAPTER 17
Dead Bug Walkin’!
Merle was securing his minicompound when an eerie buzz came from above. It was the bug zapper, glowing a ghastly blue.
To make matters worse, the dried dead bugs under the zapper were getting up and walking! And they were coming for Merle!
“Kitty! Kitty!” buzzed the dried bug zombies as they closed in on Merle for their cat dinner.
“OH, I CAN'T WATCH!”” cried Gramma.
“Don't worry, Honey,” comforted Grampa. “Just think of it this way, you'll never find another hairball in your fluffy slippers ever again!”
CHAPTER 18
To the Rescue
“I can't just sit back and watch!” I yelled bravely. “I've got a plan to rescue Merle! All I need is a pair of Gramma's finest and strongest panty hose!”
“I always knew that boy was talented!” said Grampa.
So Jubal and I grabbed a pair of Gramma's stockings and shimmied down to the shed while the hungry zombies clutched at our feet.
We burst into the shed to find … Merle had pulled the old reverse-bug-munch trick and was picking little hairy bug legs out of his teeth.
“MEEEooooWWWUURRRPPP!” said Merle. (That's cat for “Burp!”)
“That's pretty sick,” said Jubal.
CHAPTER 19
Secret Weapon
We were just about to escape the shed when I suddenly remembered our explosive compound up on the top shelf.
“I KNOW!” I shouted. “While we're down here, let's grab the PPK! Maybe we can use it against the zombies!”
CHAPTER 20
uh-oh part II
So we formed a human-feline ladder to boost me up to the shelf so I could grab the secret…
“HEY! IT'S GONEI yelled. “All I see up here is a bunch of paprika!”
Paprika? Suddenly, I had a very, very bad feeling.
My mind raced as I recalled the events leading up to the zombie attack.
“I shall call it PPK!”
“I'll put high on the shelf where no human hands will get to it!”
“That's the secret to my barbecue!–Lost of paprika!–Paprika, paprika, paprika!”
“UH-OH” I said gloomily.
So we shimmied back up to the bedroom to deliver the bad news.
“Boy,” I said, panting, “this is a lot harder going up!”
“I wish I hadn't eaten five plates of barbecue!” complained Jubal.
Gramma was so happy to be reunited with Merle that she gave him a big bear hug.
“Careful, Granny,” warned Grampa, “that cat's already survived one near-death experience!”
CHAPTER 21
An Embarrassing Confession
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I announced, “I'm afraid I have an embarrassing confession to make….”
“That's a good idea, Wiley,” Grampa interrupted. “Because we soon will most likely be devoured by zombies, I too have something I'd like to get off my chest. Something that now, in our final moments, I have come to terms with: I am a lifetime member of the Pippi Longstocking Fan Club. I also bite my toenails and sleep with a teddy bear named Shmuggles.”
CHAPTER 22
Not That Embarrassing!
“No, no, no,” I broke in, “Jubal and I have done something horrible! We created a chemical compound so powerful it blew up Grampa's foot! And that's not all! We accidentally hid the compound on Gramma's spice rack in the shed!”
“What are you saying?” asked Gramma.
“I'm saying that our compound made its way into your barbecue sauce and that could be the reason why its delicious aroma woke the dead!”
Gramma went off like Mount Krakatoa! “You mean to tell me,” she fumed, “that because of you, I put a highly volatile chemical in my beloved barbecue … one that explodes–”
“THAT'S IT!” I interrupted her tirade. “Our compound explodes when combined with Tabasco sauce! If we could douse the zombies with the stuff, we could blow ‘em up! But where do we get enough Tabasco?”
“My spicy beet borscht is 82 percent Tabasco,” offered Vera the lunch lady, “but you locked it in the garage.”
I was so happy I could have kissed her (but I didn't). “We've got to get to that borscht!” I exclaimed. “If only we had something we could distract the zombies with to get to the garage!”
“I've got just the thing,” said Grampa as he pushed a button on his universal remote. Just then, Gramma's portrait of Elvis opened up to reveal a monster stash of Pork Cracklins!
“Succulent deep-fried pig skins to distract the zombies!”
“Why would you need this many Pork Cracklins?” asked Gramma, still angry.
“In case of World War III,” said Grampa, embarrassed, “or a pork shortage.”
CHAPTER 23
The Plan Comes Together
So I laid out my plan. “Grampa and I will use the Pork Cracklins to draw the zombies away from the house!”
“Meanwhile, Jubal and Nate will disguise themselves as zombies and make their way to the garage, grab the borscht, and then we'll dump it on the zombies!”
Gramma and her Ladies’ Quilting League friends knitted us suits made out of Pork Cracklins.
Grampa and I squeezed in a power workout to beef up for our dangerous mission.
The Reverend Moe said a prayer for us. “Protect these crazy fools. And if they are caught by the zombies, let their deaths be quick and relatively painless!”
Finally, we used Gramma's avocado and cucumber face mask to turn Jubal and Nate into zombies.
We were ready. The game was afoot!
CHAPTER 24
The Not-So-Great Escape
Grampa and I burst into the crowded hallway in our Pork Cracklins suits. We quickly ran for the stairs.
“COME AND GET IT, YOU FILTHY ZOMBIE SWINE!”yelled Grampa. “All you can eat grampa and grandson! The boy tastes just like chicken, and I taste like aged angus beef! And did I mention, we're covered in pork rinds?”
While Grampa taunted the zombies, Jubal and Nate snuck out and silently slipped in with the zombies, unnoticed.
“Yuck!” grimaced Jubal, dripping with avocado face cream. “This stuff is gross!”
“I kinda like it,” exclaimed Nate. “My pores are tingling and my skin has never felt so young!”
Grampa and I made it out the front door and took off across the yard. But the zombies were gaining on us!
Just as the zombies were about to catch us, we made it to the Slick �
��n’ Slide and slid out of their rotten zombie grasps. (It should be noted that zombies are notoriously afraid of open flame, the metric system, and Slick ‘n’ Slides.)
“OH, NO!” I screamed, looking back toward the house.
“Jubal and Nate are aborting the mission!”
It seemed that the zombies had smelled the avocado face cream and were chasing Jubal and Nate with tortilla chips.
“Sorry, guys!” yelled Nate. “Who knew zombies were partial to guacamole?”
“We've got to get braver friends,” complained Grampa.
CHAPTER 25
Uh-Oh Part III
We turned and tried to escape, but we ran smack dab into Gramma's cactus garden. There was nowhere to go. We were trapped like Pork Cracklin-covered rats.
“Well,” said Grampa as the zombies closed in on us, “this is it, Wiley. The end of the road! I only wish we could have lived long enough to eat these suits!”
CHAPTER 26
It's Raining Borscht!
“HEY, ZOMBIES!” yelled a voice from the hill. It was Gramma. Apparently, while the zombies were chasing us, she had slipped out the back and grabbed her Super Marinade 5000 … and better yet, she had filled it with Vera's borscht!
“Soup's on!” Gramma yelled as she hosed the zombies down with the toxic borscht.
“Just beet it!” she remarked as she slathered more of our undead guests.
“How ‘bout another serving?” she remarked as she sprayed the last of the zombies.
And, just as I had predicted, the zombies reacted explosively with the borscht and ran away, which was good because Gramma was almost out of borscht and witty one-liners.
CHAPTER 27
Adios!
The zombies, outwitted by beet soup and Pork Cracklins, ran back home to the cemetery.
“And next year, don't show up unless you're invited!” yelled Gramma.
“You know, Wiley,” said Grampa, “if it weren't for the awful stench and the fact that they tried to eat us, those zombies wouldn't be half bad! I think I might invite them back for spaghetti night!”
CHAPTER 28
Epilogue of the living Dead
So that's my story, folks! Everything turned out peachy keen. Gramma and Vera were declared heroes.
Vera's borscht was purchased by the government for study and possible military use.
Gramma's story was turned into a hit action movie.
As for our secret compound, Jubal and I decided to bury it in a secure location …
deep in the woods, where it could cause no further harm to humanity.
Oh well,
at least we tried.
What's up with Jubal's camera? He took two shots of the Zombie Karaoke Sing-Off, but there's something about the second picture that just doesn't seem right. Can you pick out the differences between the two pictures, or are we just crazy?
The answers are on the next page. Anyone caught cheating will be fed to the zombies with a tangy honey mustard sauce!
KIRK SCROGGS is originally from Austin, Texas–not too far from Gingham County. He moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dream of drawing monsters. He loves BBQ, zombies, his cat Curtis, and hip-hop dancing.
WARNING:
This book is oozing with gassy zombies, highly explosive hot sauce, toxic beet borscht, contaminated potato salad, and slimy avocado face cream!
HOW DELICIOUS IS GRAMMA'S PAPRKIA BBQ CHICKEN?
SO DELIGIOUS, IT WAKES THE DEAD!
My name's Wiley and this is the story of how Grampa's annual BBQ was crashed by hundreds of rotting residents from the Eternal Naps cemetery. You'll shake when I accidentally bake Grampa's foot to a crisp. You'll gasp as Merle battles zombified bugs to the death. And when the world's worst lunch lady whips out her secret side dish, you'll…
AAAAAH!
Get ready for the ultimate food fight—or food FRIGHT.
Grab some Pork Cracklins and popcorn and prepare yourselves for Wiley & Grampa's next outrageous CREATURE FEATURE!
