by E. K. Blair
“Hey, babe,” Ryan says while he’s walking down the stairs. He’s dressed, but his hair is still wet from his shower.
“Hey.”
“What are you scrounging around for?” he asks as he cradles my cheeks and kisses me.
“Your mattes. I can’t find them.”
Kissing me again, he briefly pauses to say, “That’s because they’re not here,” before covering my mouth with his again.
“Where are they?” I mumble against his lips.
Pausing again, he says, “I tossed them,” and then he kisses me again.
I pull back in surprise. “What?! Why?”
“Because they made you uncomfortable.”
“But I was looking for the photo of the woman’s back so I could submit it to the gallery.”
“I don’t have it. I threw them all away.”
Flopping down on the large leather chair behind me, I let out a defeated sigh.
Ryan sits on the coffee table in front of me, elbows resting on his knees, and asks, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I was just excited to submit that photo.” Leaning my head back on the chair, I mumble, “Maybe it was a stupid idea.”
“Is it that important to you?”
“I just thought if you saw one of your pieces in a showing, that you would see the art in it.”
Giving me a smile, he says, “It wasn’t difficult to capture or enhance. I can recreate it if you want.”
“We don’t have time for you to find someone to pose. It needs to be submitted tomorrow by the end of the day.”
“We don’t need to find anyone. Let’s go upstairs. I’ll shoot your back,” he suggests and I feel my face flush at the thought of him photographing me.
“No.”
“No, what?”
“I’m not taking my top off for you to photograph me.”
He leans in and rests his hands on my knees. “You don’t have to take anything off, promise. It’s an extreme close-up; you only need to hike it up a little.”
His original photo was so beautiful; there is no way he could capture that with me.
Standing up, he takes ahold of my hand and lifts me out of the chair.
“What?”
“We’re going upstairs.”
I tug my hand away. “Ryan, no.”
He turns around to look at me. “What’s wrong?”
“It feels weird to me.”
“Don’t let it.”
“You just can’t say that and expect me to be okay,” I say and fold my arms across my chest. “I’m not like the girls you took those pictures of. I’m . . .”
“No, you’re not. You’re nothing like them, which is why I threw them in the garbage.” Cupping my face again, he kisses me before assuring, “I only want you. No one else. The only photos I want are ones of you.”
When we walk into his room, my heart starts beating faster. I sense the dampness on my palms and they begin to tingle with nerves.
Ryan goes into his closet and pulls out his camera. Walking toward the windows, he pulls the drapes shut and the room darkens. He takes my hand and leads me over to the bed.
“Just lie on your stomach.”
I swallow hard against the lump that’s lodged in my throat and lie on the bed, folding my arms beneath my head. Staring at him as he climbs onto the bed next to me on his knees, my body tenses when I feel him touch the hem of my shirt.
“I’m just going to lift it up a little.”
Taking a deep breath through my nose, I close my eyes and feel his hand graze my back as he pulls my shirt up and tucks it under my bra.
“You okay?”
“Mmm hmm.” My heart is still racing, and I’m very aware of myself.
The bed shifts, and when I open my eyes, Ryan is kneeling beside the bed, focusing on his camera and adjusting the settings. I take a calming breath and concentrate on what he’s doing to take my mind off of how awkward and exposed I feel right now.
Holding the camera up to his eye, he sets the flash and starts fidgeting with the camera again. He repeats this a few times, then tells me, “I’m gonna take a few test shots to get the shutter speed right, okay?”
I nod my head and watch him as he leans in close to me, his camera up to his eye. The loud clicks of the camera startle me slightly, and my body tightens as I flinch. I’m hyperaware of everything around me as I lie here in the dark.
He reaches over me and picks up a pillow. “Here, lean up,” he says and I push my chest off the bed as he places the pillow under me. “I just need a little more curve to your spine. Just lay down and relax.”
He kneels back down and moves in close to me with the camera back up to his eye. “That’s perfect,” he mumbles, and I begin to hear the fast clicking of the camera. The flash pulses in pops of light in the dark room. And before I know it, it’s dark and quiet again. The bed dips back down as he sits next to me, untucking my shirt from my bra and pulling it back down over my back.
Bracing his arms on the mattress on either side of my shoulders, he hovers over me and lowers himself to kiss my cheek.
“Thanks,” he says with a soft rasp.
I shift to my side, and he lies next to me, pulling me closer to him. He lightly brushes his lips against mine before pressing into me. Weaving my fingers through his hair, I pull him even closer. My stomach starts to flutter, and an overwhelming need for closeness takes over. Being with him like this makes me want to open myself up. I feel safe in his arms and the feelings that come with it are intense. Feelings I have never had for anyone else before. I want to be close to him, but I’m so uncomfortable with myself. I worry I’ll embarrass myself if he touches me in a way I can’t handle. I worry that I’ll be a disappointment to him.
Rolling me on my back, he begins to trail his warm damp kisses down my neck and along my shoulder. I grasp onto his arms and feel the flexing of his muscles under my hands as he moves across my collarbone. He reaches down, placing his hand on the side of my thigh, and squeezes as he starts to glide it slowly upward. My breath catches, and I quickly clamp my hand around his wrist. Pulling his head back, he studies my face, and I whisper, “Sorry.”
“You don’t ever have to be sorry.”
I gently nod my head.
In a whisper, he says, “God, you’re beautiful.”
“So, you have to tell me what’s going on with you and Ryan,” Roxy says as we move around, making drinks for the line of people waiting.
“I don’t really know.”
“You like him, right?”
I look at her as I steam some milk for a customer’s latte and she prompts me, “Right?”
Snapping the lid on the cup, I walk over and hand it to the girl who’s waiting on the other side of the counter. Roxy steps next to me as she hands a drink to another customer. We walk back over to the machines and I finally admit, “I do.”
When she looks at me, I clarify, “Like him. I do.”
A sincere smile slowly creeps across her face and I become embarrassed. “Stop!”
“Oh, come on Candace! Give me a break here. I’ve known you for almost three years and you have never shown an interest in anyone. Let me enjoy this.”
“You’re embarrassing me.”
“Sweetie, everything embarrasses you. Get over it,” she says with a sincere smirk.
As we continue to fill drink orders, Roxy begins asking a multitude of questions, all of which I avoid answering. When the last drink is made and the shop calms down, we both take a seat and relax from the Monday morning rush.
“Well, even though you won’t tell me anything, I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. Now will you stop?” I tease.
“For the time being, I’ll stop,” she says with a grin.
My phone chimes from under the counter. When I retrieve it, I see I have a missed text from Ryan.
Your photo from yesterday is almost finished. Touching up the lighting.
Gettin
g off work in 30 min. Can I stop by?
Yeah.
“Ryan?” Roxy pries.
“Didn’t you just say you would stop?”
Laughing, she teases me again. “So secretive.”
“I’m going to the back to refill the syrup bottles. Yell for me if it gets busy.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says as she waves me away.
It’s nice to be able to joke around with Roxy again. The tension has definitely lightened in the past few weeks, and I know the reason for that is waiting for me at his loft right now.
I can’t contain my smile when I think about us in his bed yesterday. The way my skin tingles when he kisses me, the way I soften when he holds me, the fluttering I feel when he whispers his words to me. Even though it’s all so new, it’s also so comforting.
I could tell he was disappointed when I didn’t spend the night with him, but he understands that I don’t feel comfortable being there every night. Although I love being with him, I’m still scared about moving forward.
When the bottles are refilled, I walk back into the store and put them back on the shelf. I start to gather my things and clock out.
As I’m walking out the door, Roxy can’t help herself when she says loudly, “Tell your hot-ass boyfriend I said ‘hi.’”
I roll my eyes at her as I open the door to leave.
Leaning against Ryan’s desk, he hands me the large matte, and I cannot believe how well the photo turned out. Everything is black except for the curve of the back—my back—which is a striking muted grey with a shadow cast along the spine—my spine.
I stand there, staring at the photo, every detail of the photo. When I do look up, Ryan is focused on me with a grin on his face.
“What?” I ask.
“You.”
“Me?”
Stepping in front of me, he takes the matte out of my hands and places it on the desk behind me. He slides his arms around my waist and pulls me into him and says, “You’re fucking amazing,” and kisses me with an intensity I haven’t felt from him before. I let myself fall into him as his lips tangle with mine. When he dips his tongue in my mouth, I can taste the coolness that is left over from the mints he’s addicted to. I feel so connected to him right now, and I never want to lose this feeling. So, when he breaks our kiss, I can’t help the moan that creeps past my lips.
He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine, and I can hear his heavy breaths. Placing my hands on his face, I move in to selfishly kiss him, to feel the warmth of his touch on me. Gripping my waist, he lifts me onto his desk as he stands between my legs. Holding the back of my head, he intensifies our kiss, and I let him take more control than I have in the past.
When his shoulders tense up under my hands, he pulls away. I know it’s hard for him to stop himself when we are together like this.
“Do you know how hard it was to concentrate on touching up that photo of you?
As I shake my head, he tells me, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”
I believe him when he says those words to me. I might not feel that way in a day from now, or even an hour from now. But right now, in this moment—I believe him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
After studio ends, Ms. Emerson asks me to stay so that she can watch how my solo is progressing. Last time I rehearsed with her, it was a disaster. I’m beginning to feel the power of the piece when I dance. I know she wants me to focus on myself when I hear the music, but I just can’t go to that place yet. Instead, I think about Ryan and everything he’s told me about growing up and the violence in his house. It’s been enough to help me better connect with the piece.
“Okay, Candace. Are you ready?” she asks as she grabs the remote to the stereo and takes her place at the front of the room.
“Yes.” I walk to the center and place my feet in fifth position, waiting for the music to begin. When the strings begin to echo through the speakers, I slowly relevè on my pointes and begin my series of chainès across the floor. The low hum of the cello vibrates within my chest as I work through the movements. My heart thumps harder with the staccato brushes of the violins, and I’m spot on when I turn into my fouettè sequence. I flow through the progressions and the twinge in my stomach courses through my body as the music slowly fades into nothingness.
The room is quiet except for the breaths flowing in and out of my lungs. When I look over at Ms. Emerson, she’s walking toward me. Standing in front of me, she says without any inflection in her voice, “That’s better.”
She says nothing else, and turns to walk out of the room. When the door closes behind her, I let out a puff of breath and allow myself the relief of a huge smile. Replaying her words, those two simple words, in my head, I spend the next hour dancing and feeling. Even though I am feeling someone else’s pain, I’m still feeling.
When I leave the studio and get into my car, I decide to stop by the loft and surprise Ryan before he has to go into work for the night.
“Hey, babe!” Ryan says when he opens the door. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you before you left for work.”
Picking me up in his arms, I laugh before he kisses me.
“I’ve missed you this week,” he says as he sets me back down.
“Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won’t be living in the studio.”
“Candace!”
Leaning over to look around Ryan, I see Gavin walking over.
“Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?”
“Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan.”
I look back at Ryan and say, “I’m sorry, I should have called before stopping by.”
Gavin grabs my hand and pulls me inside. “Wanna beer?”
“Um, no.”
Walking past me, Ryan says, “I’ll get you a water.”
“Thanks.” I love that he knows exactly what I need without having to ask.
Gavin and I sit down in front of the TV where they have been watching SportsCenter.
Pointing the neck of his beer bottle to my head, he jokes, “What’s with the hair, grandma?”
“Don’t be a dick,” Ryan says as he hands me a bottle of water and sits down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. “I was in the dance studio all day,” I say and then take a long drink of water.
“How’d that go?” Ryan asks. He knows I’ve been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.
“It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo.”
“Really? That’s great, babe.”
“Well, actually all she said was ‘that’s better’ but coming from her, that’s huge.”
“You coming out with us tonight?” Gavin asks me.
“Umm,” I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin’s talking about.
“Gavin’s just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that’s all.”
“Oh,” I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. “No, I’ve got plans.”
I feel left out of Ryan’s life with his friends. I know it’s my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it’s just me being over-sensitive, but I can’t help the feeling of being left out.
“What are you doing?” Ryan asks.
“I’m going to Jase’s to hang out. We haven’t had a lot of time to see each other lately.”
“Come with me to my office before you go,” he says as he stands up and takes my hand.
“If you guys are gonna fuck, I’m out,” Gavin says.
“Dude!” Ryan snaps at him.
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “What? It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I look at him in disbelief when he says, “Just sayin’,” as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.
Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the
door, caging me in.
“Sorry about that. The guy has no filter.”
The fact that he isn’t denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won’t let me do that. I can’t even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.
“Candace,” he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.
He drops his head and sighs, “I’m sorry.”
“Did you really do that?”
Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he’s ashamed to answer me.
He nods his head and says, “Yes.”
I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn’t know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don’t share.
Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, “Is that what you want?”
He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.
“No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me.”
“That’s the problem, though. I can’t give you what they could.”
“You give me everything.” Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. “You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you’re ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won’t be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them.”
He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I’m also upset for me, that I can’t give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.
“I shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t know you then.”
“You have every right to be upset.”
Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don’t want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.
“I’ve missed you,” he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. “Stay with me tonight?”
