by E. K. Blair
“They accepted your photo.”
“Your photo?!”
“No, your photo, babe,” he says softly and he rests his head against mine.
I smile at his words. I can’t help myself. He knows how tense I was when he took that picture that he refuses to take credit for it.
“Congratulations,” I say when he changes our pace and slowly presses tighter against me, tenderly pressing his lips over mine. I rake my fingers through his hair, and I am overcome with happiness. Happy about having a great audition, happy that Ryan’s photograph will be displayed in an art gallery, and happy that I am sharing this moment with him. Everything about Ryan floods my being, and I want no one else.
He pulls back and looks into my eyes and when he does, I see it all. I see it clearly; he loves me, and I know I’m safe.
“What is it, babe?”
Brushing my hand down the side of his face, I give him a part of me that I’ve been holding tightly to.
“I love you.”
I know he’s been waiting a long time for me to get here, but I know it’s okay when I look into his clear eyes and see the lines appear at the corners when his smile grows.
“You’ll never know what those words just did to me,” he says and he carries me over to the couch, where we proceed to make out like a couple of kids. This might not be typical for anyone else our age, but it’s us, and I love us.
I’m not sure where I am when I wake up. I try to sit up, but I’m paralyzed. Looking up, I see the dark sky filled with tiny sparkling specks of stars.
“Ryan?”
There’s no answer in the stillness. When I roll my head to the side, I see a rust covered wheel and lock. It’s familiar. I inhale the damp summer air.
Wait. It’s supposed to be winter.
“Ryan?”
Where is he?
I focus my attention back on the rust, and when I finally realize why it looks so familiar, I jerk my head back to the stars, but they’re gone, and my heart stops.
His taunting laughs fill the silent night as his devilish eyes peer into mine.
“Ryan!”
Leaning in, his hot breath on my face, his voice a quiet firm growl, “Shut the fuck up.”
He strikes my cheek with the back of his knuckles, and my face burns when the tears begin to prick out. Trying with everything I have in me, I can’t move. I’m frozen on the rough concrete as he stares down at me—laughing. He starts to unbutton his pants, and I begin to lose control and shriek for Ryan, but no one is here to help me. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard my ribs ache. The terror singes through my veins, and I scream, “Please, not again.”
“This time, you’re gonna fucking like it,” he sneers as he pulls my shirt up and rips my bra down. All I can do is dig my brittle nails into the cement. My blood-covered hands shake and sting as I cry helplessly on the ground. His mouth is all over me as I beg him to stop.
I turn to find the dumpster, but it’s no longer there. I need that dumpster to take my mind away and it’s not fuckin’ there!
My stomach convulses with each button he pops open on my jeans.
“Get off of me!”
Ripping off my underwear, he slides his hand between my legs, and I begin shrieking out violent sobs.
Gripping my upper arms, he holds me down as I keep screaming through my labored breaths, “Get the fuck off of me!”
Panic and confusion hit me hard when I see Ryan’s face above me instead of Jack. Suddenly, I feel my legs moving, and I begin to kick in a frenzy to get out of his tight grip. When I look back up, I see Jack again. He dips his head and licks up my throat.
“God, please stop!” I wail.
“Candace, wake up.”
Thrashing under Jack’s grip, I’m no longer paralyzed, and I’m no longer being pinned down.
I hear myself screaming as I shuffle back in a panic, trying to escape. I feel myself fall on my hip. Not able to get to my feet, I clumsily continue to shuffle on my hands, desperate to get away.
All I hear is Jack laughing at me.
When the wall hits my back, his hands are on my shoulders, and I scream, “Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” as I curl into a ball, covering my face with my hands. I continue to scream the same thing over and over until I no longer hear Jack, but Ryan.
Ryan!
“Candace, open your eyes.”
But I can’t. I don’t know what’s happening, what’s real. My breathing is erratic, and I am engulfed in fear. I’m still sobbing. I don’t know how to stop.
“Candace, please. Look at me. It’s only me here with you.”
My arms are stiff when he touches my wrists to move my hands away from my face. I don’t want him to see me—not like this. When he moves my hands, I turn my face away from him, wanting to somehow disappear.
“Babe, please don’t hide from me.”
Trying to take in some air through my cries, I choke on my breath, and when I do, he pulls me close, and I just fall into him. His arms are so tight around me, and I know it’s only him.
I don’t know what I was thinking not taking my pills anymore. How could I be so stupid to think I was strong enough to be okay without them? Now I’m consumed with worry and dread. What the hell is Ryan going to do or say? What am I going to do or say? What do I do?
God, what do I do?
I’m curled up tight in Ryan’s lap, and he is stroking my hair with his fingers. I’m so embarrassed. But, he doesn’t give me a choice from eluding this when he leans back to look at me.
Closing my eyes, he says, “You have to look at me. Please.”
When I feel the heat of his hands on my face, I blink my eyes open and slowly shift my eyes to him. His expression is worried as he scans my face.
“You okay?”
I nod my head.
“What happened?”
I drop my head and rest it on his chest as he rubs my back. I just want to hide and not have to look at him.
With hesitation, I ask, “Can you please call Jase?”
“What?” he says in disbelief, and I don’t blame him. “Shit, Candace, no.”
A new round of tears begin to flow, and I hear the desperation in my voice when I urge, “Please.”
“Candace, no. You can’t always run to him. Need me for change. Talk to me.”
“I can’t,” I cry out.
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t. Please. I just can’t”
“But you can with Jase?”
I’m sobbing now, but Ryan never lets go of me.
“I want you to need me,” he says.
“I do.”
“You don’t; you cling to him for everything.” He takes my hands and presses them against his bare chest, over his heart. “Look at me,” he demands, and when I do, he tells me, “Cling to me. Love me enough to need me.”
“I can’t . . . I . . .”
“Why?”
I know he’s not going to drop this, and I begin to get angry. Angry that I’m even in this position right now.
“Because, you’d leave me.”
“Not happening, babe.”
“Ryan, please,” I plead.
“I’m not leaving you. Nothing you could say would make me want to leave you.”
“I’m just too fucked up.”
“We’re all fucked up,” he says. “I want you to let me in.”
I know there is no way out of this. But how? How do I do this?
He grabs my hands again when I try to cover my face as my cries quake through me.
“I can’t! You’ll never look at me the same. You’ll run away.”
When I say this, he slides his hand around the back of my head and pulls me against him as he sighs out. I cry in his chest as he says, “I promise you, nothing will change the way I look at you. Nothing will change what you do to me when you’re next to me. You make my heart beat in a completely different way—nothing will ever change that.”
<
br /> I finally wrap my arms around him, hanging on with everything I have. “I’m so embarrassed,” I confess around my cries.
“God, babe.” I can hear the pain in his voice. “Please, don’t be.”
I have never said the words. Not ever. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. Maybe I foolishly thought if I didn’t say it, then maybe it wasn’t really real.
When he strengthens his hold on me, I let it out on a whimper, “I was raped.”
Releasing a heavy sigh, he lays his head on top of mine, and I continue to cry. I feel so weak and tired, like I’m drowning. I keep treading water, but I can never seem to get my head high enough out of the water to take in a full breath of air. I’ve been drowning since that night. There are times I feel like I can make it, but then I’m pulled right back under.
Ryan says nothing as we sit here on the floor. I feel guilty for the lies and mistruths I’ve told him to try and hide this. When my sobs soften into whimpers, I speak.
“I’ve been lying to you,” I say quietly.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”
“I feel horrible.”
“Candace, don’t do this. You have every right to lie.”
But I need to tell him.
“I can’t go to see you at work because . . .”
“Shhh . . .”
“Because it happened in your parking lot. By the dumpster. That’s why I freaked out. I didn’t know where I was until I saw the dumpster.”
When I tell him this, I feel a breath thud in his chest. I loosen my hold and pull back. I break when I see the tears streaming down his cheeks. Looking into his eyes, as the tears begin to fall from mine again, I cry, “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t ever fuckin’ say that again. Don’t ever be sorry for anything again.”
“I’m just so far from what you thought.”
“You’re not.”
“I am. Every day is a struggle. Everything. I’m scared every day.” I drop my head for a moment, and when I look back up at him, I finally admit what I’ve been feeling for the past six months. Ever since that night, the night Jack left me broken and desperate. The night he took everything from me: my trust, my peace, my security, my faith—my light. He took it all and left me with nothing.
“I’m fading.” I feel the heat of my tears as they linger down my cheeks. “He took all my light, and I’ve been fading ever since.”
Cradling my face in his hands, he says, “You’re not fading. I won’t let you.”
I nod my head, fold myself into his arms, and let him hold me.
“That’s why Kimber is mad. I didn’t go home after it happened. I stayed with Jase and never told her why. She knows I’m lying.”
Ryan doesn’t say anything. He simply lets me talk and get it all out. I love him even more for that because I need to get it out.
“I’ve been taking sleeping pills, but I stopped last week. That’s why I haven’t been sleeping.” I take a second before continuing. “I dream about that night—about him. All I see are his eyes.” I confess as I weep out, “He made me watch him.”
Ryan doesn’t say anything as a new slew of sobs wrack my body. He just bands his arms tighter around me and I finally speak again, “So, I take pills to keep him away.”
“Babe, why did you stop taking them?” he asks as he brushes my hair back behind my shoulder.
“Because every night when I take them, it’s only a reminder of what happened. I just want to forget, but I can’t.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“No. Only Jase and Mark. Jase was with me in the hospital. Mark only knows because he walked in and saw my face. It was pretty banged up.”
“Your parents?”
“God, no. It was because of them that I went out with that guy at all.”
He pulls his head back and looks at me in disbelief. “You knew him?”
I nod my head and he asks, “But you didn’t do anything?”
“No.”
“I wanna fucking kill him,” he says through gritted teeth.
It takes a while, but when I finally feel Ryan’s tense chest relax, he pulls back and looks me in the eyes as he says, “This changes nothing for me. Okay? Nothing. No one will ever love you like I do.”
When he leans down and gently kisses me, I release my worry. Worry of him leaving, of him being disgusted, worry of him running away from my dark side. I relax in his arms, knowing that we have no more secrets.
Chapter Thirty
“He knows.”
“You told him?” he says in surprise.
“I didn’t really have a choice,” I tell Jase. “I had another nightmare last night.”
“What happened?” he asks as he shifts on the couch to face me.
“I freaked out with him in the bed. It was humiliating. So, I had to tell him.”
Jase reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly when I continue. “I’ve never said it before. I never wanted to say the words. I mean, I have silently in my head, but never out loud.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“What did he do?”
“I mean, what could he do? He listened and assured me that it doesn’t change anything with us. I was scared he’d want to leave. I wouldn’t have blamed him.”
“God, Candace, I’m sorry, but he needed to know. I’m glad you told him,” he says with sincerity.
“I told him I loved him.” A grin spreads across his face and I say, “Don’t embarrass me, Jase.”
“I won’t. I swear.”
Taking my hand from his, I grab my glass of wine from the coffee table and take a sip when he asks, “Do you know what he’s doing for your birthday?”
“Jase, you know I hate parties and presents. It’s all awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I haven’t told him it’s my birthday.”
He laughs at me and says, “You’re so weird.”
“Seriously, we have never done anything before, why start now?”
He takes a swig of his beer, then suggests, “Let’s at least get together. We can go do dinner at Mark’s. No birthday cake. Promise.”
“Fiiine,” I whine and then give him a tiny smile. “I’ll let Ryan know. And no presents. It’s just stupid.”
“None.”
We sit together on his couch and continue to drink and catch up on what’s been going on in each other’s lives. It’s Friday night, and Ryan is at work. One of Gavin’s bands is playing there tonight, so he and his friends decided to make a night out of it. He wanted to cancel when we woke up this morning, but I told him that it would make me more uncomfortable if he didn’t go because of me. Plus, Jase and I had already made plans to get together, so Ryan agreed, although with much hesitation.
I nearly finish the bottle of merlot by myself and am drunk for the first time in my life. Maybe it was just everything that had happened yesterday that has me wanting to drink way more than I normally do. I’m barely coherent when Jase calls Ryan to come pick me up.
“Youuuu take me home,” I slur out, and then burst into a fit of giggles.
“I can’t. I’ve had too many beers. He’ll be here in a bit. He just left the bar.”
I lie down on the couch and close my eyes when the room begins to sway in a hazy way. Jase is talking to me, but it sounds like an echo at this point. When there is a knock at the door, I pop up on my knees, looking over the back of the couch as Ryan walks in.
“You’re heeeere!” I scream and throw my arms into the air.
“Shit, man, what the hell did you give her?” he laughs out.
“She inhaled a bottle of wine,” Jase tells him.
Pointing to Ryan, I shout, “You’rrre hot!” and then burst out into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.
“Okay, party’s over, babe,” he says as he walks toward the couch shaking his head humorously at me.
“Noooo!” I pout as I jump up to my feet on top of the couch and feign authority.
He grabs me behind my knees and throws me over his shoulder as I continue to giggle.
“Alright, let’s go.”
I reach down, grab his ass, and squeal, “Niiiice!”
“Oh yeah. You like that?” he says through his chuckles, and I can hear Jase laughing as well.
Looking up, I wave to Jase, “Byyyye, buddy!”
“Call me tomorrow when you sober up.”
“Bye, man. Thanks for calling me,” Ryan says before hauling me to the elevator.
When we get inside, he sets me down, and I turn to the buttons and laugh while I swipe my hands over them, lighting each one up.
“Woohoooo!”
“Shit, babe! Do you know how long it’s gonna take us to get to the lobby?”
“A looong, looong time,” I say extremely slow.
He holds onto my hips to steady me and then smiles down at me. “You’re so fuckin’ cute when you’re drunk.”
“I’m druuuunk?!”
“Yeah, just a bit.”
Slinging my arms around his neck, I hang my head back and look up at him. “You’rrre so tall.”
“I don’t think so. You’re just really small.”
“I like it!” I chirp out. “It’s sexxxxy.”
“You think so?”
“Ooooh yeaaaah.” Lifting high on my toes, I slightly lose my balance and give him a sloppy kiss before cracking up in giggles.
He wipes his mouth and mumbles, “That was interesting.”
While the elevator slowly makes its way down to the lobby, stopping on every floor, I decide to make myself comfortable on the floor.
Sitting in the corner, Ryan looks down at me and smirks as he leans against the wall.
“Can we some cake?” I mumble out.
“Babe, you’re missing some words in there.” The elevator dings again, and this time, the doors open to the lobby. “Come on,” he says and he scoops me up, cradling me in his hold. I wrap my arms around his neck and say, “I wannn cake.”
“It’s the middle of the night. You have ice cream in my freezer. Just eat that.”
“I told Jase nooo cake for my birrrthday, But I wannn some.”
Setting me in his car, he says, “Birthday, huh? Why am I just now hearing this?”
“It’sss Thursdaay.”
“Hmmm.” He reaches over me to fasten the seatbelt, and I lay my head down on the center console.
