by E. K. Blair
I nodded. “The way it came at our windshield . . . it was like this white tornado, and if you looked at it too long, you got dizzy,” I said. “And when we woke up the next day, there was ten inches on the ground. Remember, we had to trudge through the snow to get to a diner across the street and everywhere we looked, it was like a sea of white. It was so bright we had to put our sunglasses on.”
I said, “Nora’s like that storm. It’s like she came out of nowhere and knocked me off course. She makes me wild, like I can’t control myself. She’s this beautiful chaos, and I do want her, but you know I don’t like commitments. I can’t love someone and then lose them.”
He shook his head. “Sometimes you gotta take a chance and just go for it, Leo.”
“She saw me and Tiffani,” I said, cringing at the memory.
“Screwing?” he said tightly, shooting me a dirty glance.
“She may as well have,” I said, hating myself.
“She’s not like those phony girls you fuck. She’s my friend, and she’s good for us. Even Teddy likes her,” he said.
“Are you watching out for her like I asked?” I said, glancing at him before looking back to the road.
“I’ll always take care of her, asshole. I love her.”
I braked and pulled over to the curb. “What the hell?” I said quietly, a quiet rage building in me as adrenaline raced through my veins, as sickening thoughts of Sebastian and Nora together ran through my mind. Furious, I clutched the steering wheel so I wouldn’t ram my fist through the dashboard. So I wouldn’t ram it through his face. And here’s the thing: I had no right to feel that way. None. She was not mine. I’d made sure of that tonight when I lied to her about the first time I’d seen her at the open house.
He grinned, and it wasn’t one of his fun, happy-go-lucky ones. It was a grin that said you deserve the shit you are about to hear. “Yeah, that’s right. I love her. And you’re a pussy for not acknowledging you’ve got feelings for her, too.”
I rubbed my jaw and stared into those eyes that looked so much like mine. I hated the words coming out of his mouth, but isn’t this what I needed? For Nora to leave me and find some nice guy?
But not Sebastian.
He snorted at my silence. “You don’t deserve her, Leo.”
I ignored him, and with both of us silent, it seemed to take forever to get to Highland Park. The GPS led me past sprawling mansions and impeccably maintained park-like yards. Eventually, I turned onto a street that had two large gothic style columns, I guess marking the beginning of her neighborhood. I wondered what it would be like to grow up here with whatever you wanted at your fingertips. Yet it hadn’t done Nora any favors. Then, I thought about the small house I’d grown up in, the one mom and dad had sweated to pay for. We’d been a happy family in that house.
“Which one?” I asked, wondering when he’d been there. What else did I not know about Sebastian and Nora? Had they slept together?
He pointed at a chateau-looking house. I parked at the curb across from it, hoping the cops didn’t show up.
“Call her,” I told Sebastian, thinking we should have already tried. He called, but she didn’t answer. He typed out a text, and we waited, but she didn’t respond.
I leaned my head back against the cool leather of the headrest and sighed. True, she might already be home, tucked in all safe and sound, but I needed to know for sure, even if it meant staying here all night.
Sebastian spoke. “You know, mom and dad may have died when I was young, but I still remember stuff they told me, like the story of when they met. Do you know the one I mean? At the music festival?”
I nodded, thinking back to how Dad loved to tell us stories. “Yeah, they were both seventeen and as soon as dad saw mom dancing, he said he loved her.”
“Exactly,” Sebastian said. “And you know what I remember most about that story? It was how his face looked when he told it. Like all soft and shit.”
I glanced at him in surprise because yeah, I remembered how crazy my parents had been about each other, but I’d never thought Sebastian would.
He sighed. “And from that day on, they were always together, like it was meant to be. I hope I find the same thing someday, and I hope you do.”
I shook my head. “All I need is you, little brother. Nobody else.”
He nodded. “If that’s really true, and you’re giving up on love, then leave Nora alone. If you can’t commit, then let someone else have a shot.”
I couldn’t answer. Fuck me, did he mean himself?
An hour later, we watched as Nora’s white Volvo pulled into the drive of her house. I cranked the car, and we drove home, Sebastian deep in thought, and me . . . I was miserable.
Chapter 17
Nora
“When I was a four, I thought Mother was a goddess. When I was fourteen, I knew she was a monster.” –Nora Blakely
After I’d fled the gym, I drove to a local diner where I planned to drown myself in buttery pancakes and crisp bacon. I sat myself at a cracked vinyl booth and picked up the greasy menu being held up by the napkin dispenser. A few minutes later, the waitress approached with a little smile and a pair of old orange flip-flops. I stared at them in confusion.
“Hon, these were left here a while back, and well, I thought you might want them. Technically, we can’t serve you if you don’t have any shoes,” she said with a gentle Southern twang.
I blinked in surprise, looked down and saw bare feet that were covered in dirt from the parking lot of the gym and the restaurant. And so. It was settled. I’d officially teetered over from barely holding it all together to losing it completely. Sign me up because I was ready to be committed. I had no shoes, borrowed clothes on, blood on my elbows, tangled hair, and a tear-streaked face. Oh, and no Leo, no soulmate, no mister right, no true love, no beloved. I sucked.
I tried to remember where I’d left my shoes, and then I dimly recalled leaving them in Sebastian’s car. “I lost my shoes,” I told her nametag, not wanting to see the pity that must be in her eyes. “Thank you,” I said, taking them from her and slipping them on.
She smiled sweetly and nodded like it happened all the time. I sat there with borrowed flip-flops and ordered my late-night breakfast, intending on savoring every delicious morsel before I went home.
Someone was at home, and I sensed trouble. Whatever was waiting for me in that cold house, I didn’t want to give in and take it like I had before. I wanted to fight.
As I ate, I had a conversation with myself about Leo. I’d laid it all out to him. Again. The roulette ball had landed, and it seemed I was an expert at mastering the art of losing. I’d taken a chance and told him what was in my heart, and he’d rejected me. Again.
About an hour later when I walked through the door at home, Mother was the one who greeted me, an irritated look on her face as she sat at the kitchen table. Her brown hair was bound up in a perfectly loose chignon, and she wore a soft- green bathrobe. It struck me as odd because I hadn’t seen her in night clothes since I was a child. She wasn’t the type to lounge around in comfy clothes, and I tried to picture her in one of my usual garbs: sweats, a hoodie, and my fuzzy multi-colored socks.
Normally, when she was home, we’d have a light dinner that Mona had prepared, we’d sit in the living room and discuss world events for an hour, and then we’d tell each other goodnight. I wouldn’t see her until morning and most times not even then. The station usually sent a car for her around 5:00 a.m., which was before I got up.
There were lots of things in life I didn’t get. How the universe was formed. How bed bugs can totally wipe out a hotel. Why Romeo and Juliet didn’t just talk it out before they offed themselves. Why needy people fish for compliments on Facebook. But, most of all, I didn’t get why my mother hated me. But, then she didn’t hate me, did she? No, I think it was worse; it was indifference.
Seeing her actually home for once, plus up and out of her room, I figured something major had happened. Had Mona found the
china?
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Where’s Dad?”
She shook her head at me and said, “Don’t play the innocent act with me. The school called me today to tell me you’d dropped most of your classes!”
“Oh, so that’s why you came home,” I said, hating the let-down I felt because in the back of my mind, I’d wondered if maybe she’d come home for my birthday, albeit a belated one. “Well, that’s old news. Happened last week. I also quit debate and yearbook, too.”
She glared at me. “And, Emma Easton’s mother woke me up at midnight to tell me you started a fight with her daughter, and you know I play tennis with her mother. She’s the President of the Chamber of Commerce, for goodness sakes! How could you?” She waved her hands at my appearance. “You’re an embarrassment to this family, Nora Grace, and I won’t tolerate it. This all started with the incident, and I’m nipping it in the bud once and for all!”
“What do you mean, nipping it in the bud?” I asked, backing away from her. I didn’t want her to hit me. Of course, she’d never use her fists on me because that would leave bruises. But she could slap with the best of them.
She laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant sound. “I’m taking your keys and electronics again. You can stay in your room for a week without speaking to anyone. You will eat and shower in your room as well. Mona can drive you to school. There will be no visits to Portia’s. If you reregister for those classes and sign up for debate, however, I’ll let it all go.” She stood gracefully, looking at me with disdain. “Thank God Finn was an easier child than you. You’re the worst . . .”
“Stop!” I yelled. “You can’t talk to me like that!”
She gasped, surprised at my insolence. “Yes, daughter, I can. I am your mother. You’ve humiliated yourself in front of the entire student body, you’re staying out until all hours, you’re getting in fights, you’re wearing God knows what, and oh yes, you’ve dyed your hair that red color. You look like white trash.”
“No, no, no,” I said, “you’re a control freak who expects everyone around you to be perfect! And where’s Dad? Do you even know what girl he’s with? But wait, you don’t even care, do you?”
She looked down at her French manicured nails. “Our relationship is not your business.”
“You’re never here during the week, and I eat alone, Mother. I walk around this big house, feeling invisible. And why haven’t you asked me why I told them all to fuck off. You don’t ask those questions because you don’t care! You didn’t even call me on my birthday!”
She sneered. “I know why you made a fool of yourself. You did it because you’re ungrateful,” she said, opening the kitchen drawer and pulling out a pack of cigarettes.
What was this? She’d never smoked before. I watched her light one with quivering hands. More secrets. We all had so many secrets.
“I knew I never should have let you take that theatre course at the community college. It’s made your tendency toward drama even worse,” she said, exhaling smoke.
“How would you know if I was dramatic?” I yelled at her, my anger escalating. “You know nothing about my life. You don’t even look at me half the time, much less see who I really am!”
“You’re a sick girl who has to repeat words in her head so she can function.” She took a drag off the cigarette and then pointed it at me. “You’re screwed up . . . that’s who you are.”
I gripped my purse, wanting to run. “Don’t you see that you’ve ruined the person I could have been.” I got my courage up and said the truth. “Mother, I told you when I was fourteen years old that Finn was crawling in my bed at night, forcing himself on me, and you ignored me! It went on for months! You called me a liar!”
“Shut up!” she screamed, but I didn’t stop.
“And now . . . now, you’re telling me he’s coming back to live here! With me alone in this house!” I said, clenching my hands into fists.
She rolled her eyes. “God, just shut up and about Finn! He never touched you. You and I both know you made that up.”
Tears stung my eyes at the pain her words caused. “You’re just as sick as he is,” I whispered.
Her eyes bulged out, and she slapped me so hard that my purse fell on the kitchen floor, its contents spilling out across the marble tile. She bent over and picked up my knife and eyed it warily but sat it back down when she saw my silver case. She snatched it up, popped it open and glared at me. “This, Nora! This is what’s wrong with you! You’re using drugs! You blame everyone else for your problems, when it’s your own fault, not Finn’s and not mine. God, my own daughter is an addict!”
I cradled my stinging cheek as I laughed at her. “I’ve only done coke one time, Mother, one time. Finn was the one who gave it to me. It’s his cocaine.”
I bent to pick up my phone and opened it with shaking hands. I found the hateful images stored there and shoved it in her face. Her skin whitened as she saw it. “Look, this is how your precious son posed me the last time he raped me. He got me high on cocaine, Mother. He took pictures of an innocent young girl like this! He used me and then let his friend from school have a turn! Is that brotherly love?” I said, my body shaking all over at admitting out loud what had happened to me.
She shook her head at me, “You’re a whore!”
I gave her a look of disgust and gathered up my purse, knife, and keys. There’s no reasoning with a mad woman. “Keep the coke. You might need it,” I said.
“You are not leaving this house, Nora!” She grabbed my shoulders, her nails digging into my skin. “If you walk out that door, I will never speak to you again,” she said. She meant it. Silence was her ultimate punishment for me.
I tore her fingers out of my arm and backed up from her, trying to get closer to the door, knowing to not turn my back. I knew her ways.
I said, “There was a time when I needed you. I came to you and told you what was happening, and you convinced yourself I was a liar, because you didn’t want to believe your son would be so twisted. Because what would your high society friends and Good Morning, Dallas fans think if they knew your precious son was touching your daughter? What if they found out he was my half-brother and didn’t belong to dad? What if he was arrested? No, Mother, you chose yourself and left me to suffer.”
She winced, like I’d struck a nerve.
“There were nights when I was alone, and I’d lay in bed with knives. I didn’t know if I wanted to kill myself, kill Finn, or kill you. I tried to become this perfect person, hoping you would love me. I got the best grades, I played the piano, I paraded myself around in stupid dresses, I won a national spelling bee,” I said.
She sighed. “You’re exaggerating as usual, Nora.”
“No,” I choked out, letting the tears pour down my face, not getting why she wouldn’t just love me. Why couldn’t anyone just love me.
She smirked. “God, do you need me here to cuddle you at night? Grow up. And don’t think I’ll give you a dime if you leave. You’ll get nothing from me, do you understand? You can forget piano lessons and going to Princeton.”
“All I ever needed was love,” I whispered.
She laughed. “Please. Stop with the drama.”
I walked over to stare down at the weight scale. She’d placed them next to the fridge years ago. “I am never getting on this scale again,” I said, picking it up. I slammed it down against the marble floor until the face snapped off and bits of white enamel innards flew around the kitchen. Breathing heavily, I stood up and looked at Mother whose mouth gaped open in shock. Wait until she saw her china.
“Goodbye, Mother,” I said in a tired voice. I walked out the door, leaving the house of hell where I’d grown up.
As I drove away, I felt something new spark inside me, and I think it was hope, burning like a tiny flame, flickering back to life.
***
Acceptance settled over me, wrapping around me like a warm blanket as I drove aimlessly around Dallas, not noticing or caring where my head
lights led me. Tonight I’d stood up for myself; I’d confronted her with the truth. And in doing so, I’d released some of the darkness I’d carried around for so long. Oh, I wasn’t suddenly magically happy. I wasn’t going to bust out singing “Kumbaya.”
But something had altered within my sprit tonight.
I didn’t need a list. I didn’t need to be bad.
I needed to find myself, find the good parts of me and hang on tight.
I turned my car into Club Vita’s parking lot and sat there, looking up at the window that I knew was Leo’s room. He’d crushed the deepest part of me tonight by choosing Tiffani. How long would they be together? Would he dump her soon or eventually fall in love and commit to her? Whatever happened, I didn’t want to be the sad girl who waited in the wings for Leo’s relationships to combust.
I wanted my own happy moments.
I glanced up when I saw the first rays of the sunrise peeking over the horizon.
It was a new beginning, the dawn of a new day, and I wanted to live it.
***
By seven that morning, Aunt Portia had pulled up at the bakery, so I moved my car over to her side of the street. When I walked in, she saw my face and wrapped me in her apron and hugged me hard. I let her hold me, inhaling the comforting scent of baked goods that lingered in the shop. She made me sit while she grabbed cinnamon rolls and two cups of hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream. We settled in at a table near the window. I told her about my fight with Mother; I told her about Finn.
She cried and told me she loved me.
Since her apartment was an hour from BA, we’d made a tentative plan for me to sleep in the attic space above the shop. She had an extra twin bed I could use, and the employee’s bathroom would be my bathroom. There wasn’t a shower, but when Mila dropped by for lunch that day, she said I could come to her house after school for showers.
And so the weekend passed slowly. I spent most of Sunday in my bed in the attic and on Monday, I went to school as if nothing had changed.
