by Taryn Plendl
I can feel his laughter rumble through me as I hug him, pressing myself against his chest, and for just a moment, I allow myself to enjoy his arms around me. When I finally pull back, Ian laughs, “Well, if I had known it would only take pecan pie to get you to hug me, I would have made you one every day!” My heart skips in my chest as he says this. I don’t know what to say, so I just nod. He smiles and nods back at me, and for the first time in days, I feel like things are right.
***
“Where did you learn to cook like this Ian?” I ask as I take another bite of green beans. I look up at him and he seems lost in thought. “Ian?” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry Ally, I was thinking about something else, but to answer your question, my mom taught me. She believed I should be able to be self-sufficient.” He says winking at me. “Well, I think she did an amazing job because this is the best meal I have had in years!” I say as I take a sip if water. “Ready for dessert?” He asks, waggling his eyebrows at me. I can’t help but giggle as I stand up. “Let’s clean up first.” I say, walking to the kitchen with our empty plates.
We work side by side in the kitchen, washing dishes and cleaning up, like we hadn’t skipped a beat. Having Ian here again feels so good, and I am reminded of how much I enjoy his company.
After the kitchen is completely cleaned, Ian goes to start a fire while I dish up plates of pecan pie a-la-mode. I am almost giddy as I bring the plates to the coffee table, hardly controlling myself from shoving the whole thing in my mouth and running back to the kitchen for more. Pecan pie is my absolute favorite dessert, one I haven’t had since the year before my parents died.
As Ian comes over and sits next to me, I hand him his plate. Picking up my fork, I cut a small piece of pie off and bring it to my mouth. “Mmmmm.” I close my eyes and moan at how amazing it tastes. When I open my eyes, Ian is staring at me with his mouth slightly open. Embarrassed, I shrug. “I warned you it was my favorite.” He continues to stare at me for a few seconds more and then digs into his own pie. I am conscious of any little noises I let slip as I continue eating, trying to control myself as I revel in this exquisite dessert experience. When I am done, Ian stands and takes my plate without saying a word.
Moments later he returns with two cups of coffee and sits back down. I thank him and take a drink, noticing that he is watching me closely. “Do I have some pie on my face?” I ask, smiling at him. He shakes his head and sets his cup down. His face is suddenly so serious that I start to feel a little bit nervous.
“Ian? Is something wrong? I ask quietly. He puts his head in his hands, “Shit Ally, I need to tell you something.”
Chapter 30
~Ian
My heart is in my throat. I don’t know why I chose now to do this now. I guess as I sat there, watching her, knowing I am falling in love with this woman, I feel the need to let her know that I betrayed her.
“Ian,” I hear her whisper, “You’re starting to scare me.” I look up and lock eyes with her. I know that if we are able to build a relationship, I have to lay this all out there if she’s ever going to be able to trust me. I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. “Ally, I did something that I shouldn’t have, and I’m hoping you will allow me to explain before you ask me to leave again.” I see her bite her lip and can tell I’m making her really nervous.
“Tuesday, after you told me to leave, I went into town to drop off some of the work I had completed at the office.” I begin, watching her closely. “After doing that, I needed to pick up groceries because I didn’t have anything in my house to eat since I had been staying with you here.” I said, looking around. She nodded, listening. “Well, I ran into Ronnie and he asked how you were feeling.” I swallowed hard, “Umm, he told me that he thought it was very nice of me to help you when you were sick.” She nodded at me, “I agree.” She said quietly looking down. God this was killing me! “Ally, he umm….he said he felt bad for you, knowing you had been through so much already with umm…with the murder and all.” Her head snapped up so fast it almost made me jump. “He what?” She gasped.
I felt like the floor had dropped out from under me. The look on her face showed so much pain that I could hardly breathe. “How does he know?” She was shaking her head, like she couldn’t quite believe it. “Ally,” I said softly, “He overheard a private conversation between his boss and Mr. Reddy from the hardware store. He said they were trying to figure out how to get things out to you so that you didn’t have to come into town. He’s a good kid, and has been very discreet.” She was sitting there trying to process everything. She finally looked up at me and shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t make a difference.”
Now it was my turn. “Ally, that isn’t the main reason I wanted to talk to you.” I said, scooting closer to her. She was looking at me with such confusion. “Ally, I did something I shouldn’t have.” I paused again, trying to control my heart rate. “After talking to Ronnie, I came home and searched your name in Google.” There, I said it.
***
The next couple of minutes seemed to go by in slow motion. I watched as Ally stood up and walked to the front door. She didn’t run, she just slowly walked outside.
“Shit.” I moved quickly for the door, calling her name. As soon as I stepped onto the porch I saw her. She was standing against the rail, staring toward the trees. I could see her rapid breathing with the rising and falling of her back from behind. “Ally?” I whispered as I walked up behind her. She didn’t move, even when I touched her shoulders. “Ally, it’s too cold to be out here. Let me take you inside.” When she still didn’t move or answer me, I put my arms around her, pulling her back until her back was pressed against my front.
“Ally, I’m so sorry I betrayed you. I should never have done that. I just missed you so much these past couple of days, and I didn’t know.” I kissed the top of her head. “I didn’t know, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
She turned around, taking my hand and lead me back inside. Sitting down next to the fireplace, she looked up at me and took a big breath. “Ian, I’ve never told anyone this before.”
Chapter 31
~Ally
My mind was so jumbled with thoughts, and then all of a sudden it was clear as day. I started talking, and I knew I wasn’t going to stop.
“I had gone on a date.” I whispered, and I felt Ian’s arms tighten around me, urging me to go on. “The front light wasn’t on. I didn’t understand why….They always left it on when I wasn’t home. I went inside and I could I could hear something—crying—someone was crying.”
“I started to walk toward the crying. There was a horrible smell—God, the smell was awful! I walked into the living room and they were just sitting there. My parents were on the couch side by side staring at the TV that wasn’t even on.”
I was shaking my head, “Why wasn’t it on? My dad was crying Ian, he didn’t cry, ever, so I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I called him, and they both turned around. Oh God, there was so much blood! Their faces were swollen and bleeding everywhere.”
“My mom was saying something to me. Run? I couldn’t understand at first, it just sounded like gurgling. ‘Run Ally!’ My mom was telling me to run, so I did. I turned around and ran into a wall, but it wasn’t a wall….it was a man.” I could feel myself starting to tremble, but Ian’s arms just held me tighter.
“I looked up at him and he was smiling at me. He was pure evil and I was so scared. ‘Welcome home’…That’s what he said to me and then, he hit me.” I felt a sob leave my throat, and Ian kissed me on the head.
“Oh God Ian! It felt like my face exploded, and then I fell down. I could hear him yelling, and then there was another man standing over me—kicking me—he was kicking me in the side. My mom was screaming, and then I was sliding across the floor. He had my hair…He was dragging me by my hair!” I was gasping for air.
“They were arguing and yelling at my dad. They wanted something—they were looking for something. Why didn’t he just
give them what they were looking for? I didn’t understand. They pushed me onto the couch next to my mom, but she couldn’t touch me.” I was sobbing uncontrollably, but I knew I needed to say it all out loud.
“Her hands were tied behind her so she just kept saying ‘Shhh, baby, shhh.’ He yells at my dad, he says he’s done, and then I see a gun and my dad falls forward as the other man kicks him in the head. The sound is deafening, and echoes off the walls. Dad isn’t moving. I hear my mom singing—a Billy Joel song.
“Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be”
“He’s screaming at her to shut up, but she doesn’t. She keeps singing to me. He drags her to the floor and presses the gun to her head. “NO!” I scream, but he shoots her anyway.” I can hardly breathe.
Ian is rocking me, “It’s okay Ally, it’s going to be okay.” He holds me and rocks me.
I tell myself it’s almost over, so I continue, “I throw myself onto my mom’s back and he drags me off. I can’t stop screaming, and then I hear the gun go off, and wonder who else they shot. I try to listen, but I don’t hear anything. I can’t move. The smell…the awful smell is blood. I try to lift my head, but it feels so heavy. I want to get away, so I start to crawl—crawl to my room. I am almost there and then I feel hands on me. I start screaming again, but everything goes black.” I am shaking harder than I ever have before. I lean into Ian, trying to get closer—trying to forget. I haven’t cried since that night, and now I’m afraid I might never stop.
Chapter 32
~Ian
“It’s going to be okay Ally, it’s going to be okay.” I keep rocking her, holding her, kissing her head. She is shaking so much—sobbing and gasping—and my heart is breaking for her. “Oh God Ian, they killed them! They killed my mom and dad!” She wails.
“I know.” I whisper. She looks up at me, her face streaked with tears. “I was supposed to die too Ian.” She whispers and inhales a scattered breath.
I lift her chin with my hand. “Ally, you weren’t supposed to die, that’s why you are still here. You’re supposed to live, don’t you see that?” She shakes her head. “I’m not living Ian. I’m just barely existing.” “I know it feels like that Ally, but you are so strong.”
“No Ian, I’m not…Not at all.”
“Of course you are Ally! Strength is in looking back and seeing what you have been through and knowing you were strong enough to make it through. Sometimes it’s not what you have lost, but what you still have - that is what makes life worth living.” I smooth her hair back and kiss her head again.
We sit there for almost an hour in silence. I hold her and rock her until she stops crying. The fire is dying down and I’m really starting to feel the long day set in.
The sun has set and there is a full moon shining outside the window that makes the trees look like they are shimmering. “Ally? Are you awake?” I whisper in her ear. I hear her sigh. Readjusting her, I look into her eyes. Her lashes are still wet from the tears and her cheeks are flushed. She has been through so much tonight, but I can’t help but notice how beautiful she is. Smiling, I nod at her, and she nods back—our unspoken language.
“Come on, why don’t you go take a hot shower, you’ll feel much better.” I say as I help her to her feet. When she stands up, I can’t help but pull her back into my arms, holding her and cherishing this moment. With one more kiss on the head, I start to lead her to her bedroom.
As she’s heading into the bathroom, I let her know that I’m going to run home for just a moment, but that I’ll be back. I grab my coat and keys and walk quickly toward my house. I want to be back before she gets done.
***
When I walk back through Ally’s kitchen, I can still hear the shower running. I’m a little nervous about how she will react to my suggestion, but it is something I really think we need to try.
I wait until I hear her open the bathroom door and then I walk to the bedroom. Standing outside the door I ask, “Are you dressed?” “Yes, come in.” She calls back. When I walk around the corner she turns and smiles. “You changed?” I smile, “I didn’t want to sleep in my jeans.” I say, raising my eyebrows. Tilting her head to the side, she smiles slightly. “You’re staying with me?”
“Ally, do you trust me?” I ask, leaning against the wall.
“Of course I do, more than anyone,” she says quietly.
“Okay, I want to try something tonight.” Walking to her and taking her hands I lead her to the bed. “Ally, I want to sleep with you tonight.” I realize how that sounds when I see the shocked look on her face. “Umm, what I mean is really actually sleep together.” I’m a little embarrassed, and even more so when I have a fleeting moment where I actually imagine doing what I said, in the other context.
“Ian, we have slept in the same bed many times, I’m confused.”
Okay, I’m really screwing this up. Running my hands through my hair, I groan. “Ally, I want to sleep now…at night…with you in my arms.” I look up and she is biting her lip, obviously worried. “Please trust me; I think this may work, especially since you were able to tell me about everything.”
“Okay Ian, we can try this.” Surprised that she actually agreed, I smile, “Yeah?” Smiling, she takes my hand, “Yeah.”
***
I lie down on my back and pull Ally against my side. With my right arm around her, she nestles her head in the crook of my arm, draping her arm across my chest.
“Is that what the scar is from?” I ask, careful to watch her expression. Tilting her face up to meet mine she answers quietly. “Yes, I had to have a plate put in my skull where the bullet shattered it. It ricocheted off and exited back here.” She says lifting her head slightly so she can show me a small scar a few inches behind her longer scar. “The doctors said it was amazing that it didn’t hit my brain at all.” I lean down and kiss both of her scars as she sighs and lays her head back. “How long were you n the hospital?” “Three weeks, and then I spent several months in a rehab facility—then here.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re here Ally.” I whisper. “Me too Ian. Goodnight.” “Goodnight Ally.”
Chapter 33
~Ally
I could feel the sun on my face, shining through the window. Taking a long cleansing breath, I slowly opened my eyes. Morning! I can’t believe I slept through the entire night, without a single nightmare, in fact, I’m not sure I remember dreaming at all. I feel like I had slept for days.
I was wrapped up in the sheets and comforter, curled up on my side. Ian! Rolling over, I expected to find him still sleeping, but his spot in the bed was empty. Maybe he is in the bathroom. Sitting up, I holler, “Ian?” No answer.
I had just begun crawling out of bed when I spotted a folded piece of paper on the pillow next to me, the pillow Ian had slept on. Crossing my legs underneath me, I unfolded the letter, smiling as I remembered the night before.
Dear Ally,
I have to take care of some things. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I’m sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but you were sleeping so soundly. Please call me if you need anything. (970-443-9873) I’m sorry to do this now, but I don’t have a choice.
Thank you for trusting me,
Ian
He left. My heart feels like it has been crushed. I opened myself up to him last night, told him everything, all my darkest secrets and nightmares—things I hadn’t told anyone, and it was too much for him. Hell, it had been too much for me for over three years, how could I expect anything different? He left me. I can’t even cry anymore after last night, I fee
l empty.
I don’t want to allow this, but I can feel the walls coming back up. Looking around my room, I make a decision. I could waste weeks, days or months trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces again, or I could leave the pieces on the floor—step over them—and move on. And that’s exactly what I intend to do.
***
I accomplish more today than I have in weeks. I clean the house from top to bottom, rearrange the living room furniture, and clean off the porch.
The snow is melting, everywhere but in the shady spots, and it makes me long to be outside. I decide that is exactly what I need, to get outside and enjoy the fresh air, so after changing into my sweats, I throw on my sneakers and skip down the steps.
Leaning my head back, I take in the full aroma of the surrounding forest. The sweet smell of the pines and the cool air mixed with the scent of wet ground are like balm to my starved senses. I set out down the drive a little bit and contemplate on whether I should go my normal route through the trees or try something different.
I decide to head straight down my drive, toward the main road. Testing out my body I jog a few steps, but it still pulls just slightly, so I decide to take it easy and settle into a brisk walking pace, allowing the crunching gravel to sing to me like music as I walk.
I don’t think I have ever walked down this drive, and I can count the times I’ve ridden down it on one hand. It feels so new, but what’s even better is I don’t feel that nagging feeling I used to get when I strayed too far from my house. Gone is the rapid heartbeat, the nausea, the sweating and the shaking. Everything feels different today—I feel almost free.
Ian was right. He thought things would be different with me sleeping after getting everything out. Last night I had slept better than I had in years, but now I felt different too, more in control, and as scary as that was, it also felt amazing!
