She positioned herself near the wall and pulled out her phone to check her messages like this experience was the simplest thing in the world. I turned toward the door and then looked back at her, but she paid me no mind. I stepped over the threshold and then walked to the large front desk.
A middle-aged women with short brown hair smiled up at me. “Can I help you?”
“I . . . I’d like to make a counseling appointment.”
“Sure thing.” She reached down below and then pulled out a clipboard with a sheet attached. “Just take a seat and fill this out.”
My gaze darted to the couple of empty seats in the room. Some students looked up and the momentary shame I felt almost made me fly out the door. But then I realized they were here too, for their own troubles. Everyone had problems. Who knew what theirs were—maybe they were even worse.
I filled out the form, using Jessie’s trauma term, and then stood up to hand it back to the woman at the front desk. She looked it over and then scheduled me into a slot.
As I headed out the door, I felt almost buoyant. But the sheer fear inside me tempered it. I stepped outside and turned to find Jessie exactly where I’d left her.
“All good?” she said, straightening from the wall.
“Yep,” I said in a tight voice, still unsure of what the hell I had just gotten myself into. “I . . . I got an appointment. Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For standing outside and holding my hand like I was some damn kid afraid of the dentist.”
“The dentist feels mild compared to baring your soul to someone,” she said and I felt my chest tighten. Shit. I supposed I could always cancel that appointment. She tilted her head to the side and looked me directly in the eyes. “It’s no problem. If you need me hold your hand again for your first visit, I’ll offer that, too.”
“Thanks.” We stood staring at each other for another long moment. I tried to think of something to say to keep her there longer. This was new for me—never had I wanted more time with a girl that I had screwed.
Maybe she was the black hole because goddamn, I kept on gravitating toward her, any chance I could get. She made me think and see things about myself that I’d tried to bury for so long. She helped me see that within that fear, there might also be some good.
She owned her problems and feelings and I wanted to be someone better when she was near. I always wanted that, I supposed, which is why I never brought girls around her. She just set a higher standard without even fucking realizing it.
I was already wondering when I could see her next.
“It was great running into you, Square,” she said. When she used my nickname this time, it made me feel strangely hollow. “Where you heading to next?”
“Thinking of going rock climbing—they have an indoor wall at the gym,” I said. “Want to come?”
“Um, I’ve had enough excitement climbing bridges the last couple of weeks.” Her lip tipped up in a smirk and I got her double meaning.
“C’mon, Blue,” I said. “It’s only fair.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just did something outside of my comfort zone, so now it’s your turn,” I said. “Even if the only thing you do you is watch. What do you say?”
“I’ve got to pick up my brother Cameron from football practice at five because my mom has to work.” Her eyes darted to the giant clock on the student center wall. “But I guess I’ve got some time.”
“Sweet,” I said, walking her out the door. “Your brother’s the kicker on his high school team, right?”
“Yeah, ever since my father stuck him in a Panther’s jersey when he was five years old he’s been obsessed with football. He catches all the college games on TV.”
I didn’t know what I expected—maybe for her brother to be some goth kid with black eyeliner and tattoos. Not for him to have memorized my brother’s position and number on the field.
“You should take him to a game sometime,” I said and she looked at me like I’d grown two heads.
“He’s been bugging my mom about it,” Jessie said. “I guess showing up at his high school games isn’t torture enough.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, thinking of the weekly torment of watching my own brother from the stands.
Jessie’s face lit up as she laughed and it almost felt like we were back to normal. Almost.
Being around her again was like a whiff of fresh spring air. She didn’t seem hurt or offended by our time together. Jessie simply bounced back and acted like a friend toward me. I was so grateful that she didn’t make it awkward or try to guilt me into anything. She was a strong personality, comfortable in her own skin, and she wore it well.
At the gym, Jessie watched me for a good while before I dared her to suit up and climb halfway.
I stood behind her as she tentatively stretched her foot to the wall. “I’m too scared.”
“Here, I’ll hold on to you,” I said placing my hands on her hips. I wanted to slide my fingers up her ribcage to her breasts. She looked so damn hot in that harness.
As if knowing where my mind was drifting, she looked over her shoulder at me. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were glossy. “Don’t let go.”
“I won’t, baby,” The word slipped seamlessly from my lips and I head her inhale.
Suddenly my mouth was at her ear, my breaths harsh against her skin. I needed my lips and hands all over her, especially while she was all strapped in.
“Nate,” she said, biting back a moan.
“Sorry, Jessie . . . fuck,” I said. “You just look so goddamn sexy right now.”
“Makes you want to go out and buy a harness doesn’t it?”
“God yeah,” I said, slipping my fingers around to her stomach. “You’d be all tied up and waiting for me.”
“Shit, Nate. If you don’t stop,” she mumbled. “I’ll never get up this wall.”
I took a deep and fortifying breath, ignoring the erection tenting the front of my pants. “Okay, head in the game.”
She bit back a laugh.
“My other head,” I said. “Up you go.”
I hoisted her thighs as she climbed to the first rung. She looked down at me and said,” Stay right there, please.”
“Of course.” She didn’t have to ask twice as I watched her lithe body scale to the second and then third step.
“Okay, that’s good enough,” she said, scrambling back down into my waiting embrace.
“Good job, Blue.” I reluctantly let go of her when her feet were firmly on the ground. She spun and gazed into my eyes, her breaths heavy and her skin glowing, either from our earlier interaction or the adrenaline rush.
Either way, it was hot as hell.
Chapter Twenty-three
Jessie
“You going to Quinn’s party?” Dex asked, resting his forearms on the front counter. He was cute, I’d give him that. Tall and lean with an impressive array of piercings and ink, he had the kind of body I liked.
Or at least I used to. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from travelling to Nate and his bulky frame. How his strong arms had lifted me up that wall with no effort. How his skin was smooth and warm and flawless.
“I’ll probably go,” I said, wondering if Nate would be there as well. We’d been more friendly and comfortable around each other again since I went rock climbing with him. God, what was I thinking? I was freaked out of my mind in that damn harness. But then Nate placed his hands on me and I immediately felt safe and protected, if not more than a little turned on.
But it was certainly nice admiring Nate’s body while he scaled that wall. And it allowed me to understand what he found so challenging and exhilarating about the sport. It offered another clue to all that was quintessentially him.
“Bowling sounds cool,” Dex said and then wrinkled his nose. “Wonder who else is gonna show up.”
I shrugged. Our group had definitely assembled an assortment of unlikely friendships.
“Want
to head over to the bowling alley with me that night?”
Before I could say no to him for the five hundredth time this year, one of our female artists, Lila, bounced around the corner, her thick blond hair standing straight up in a perfectly sculpted fauxhawk. “You know she doesn’t want to get in a car with your ass.”
Right then I loved Lila with the fire of a thousand suns.
I grabbed my purse from its spot on the floor just as Holly came through the door to relieve me. Dex didn’t attempt to ask again, just jerked his chin when I said, “See you tomorrow.”
I drove to my Mom’s house—the house I grew up in—to pick up my brother and his friend for the Panthers game.
“Hi, honey,” my mom said after I walked through the back door to the kitchen. “Cam’s just getting out of the shower. He’ll be ready in a few minutes, then we’ll go pick up Ryan.”
My brother was a pretty well-rounded kid. He enjoyed sports, God love him, and had a ton of friends. He was a freshman in high school and despite our several-year age difference, we still looked out for each other and remained close.
“How were your classes this week, sweetie?” Mom asked after taking a sip of her herbal concoction. She was all about having a clean body and healthy mind, but she didn’t try to force it on the rest of us. I’d tried her teas and could barely even stand the smell. Still, I respected her lifestyle—my parents had provided me my outlook on life and had taught me some valuable lessons. They were shrewd and open and accepting. The coolest parents on the planet.
For certain, my family was an eclectic mix, but we all valued and appreciated each other. Even more so since my dad died. My mom and I still talked on almost a daily basis. When I’d made the decision to rent the basement apartment, it had been a tough choice between there and home. Mom supported my move and I still helped with my brother whenever I could, giving him rides or checking up on him.
“Classes are good,” I said. “I developed the bridge pictures and they look great.”
“I’m still so glad that your friend Nate was with you when your tire gave out,” she said. “Could’ve been worse. I’m impressed your dad’s truck has held up this long.”
Her eyes still lit up whenever she talked about my dad. Even though I sometimes wished she’d move on and start dating again, I was almost glad she didn’t. There was no question in my mind that my parents had been made for each other. Not only were they best friends, but sometimes, they could barely keep their hands off each other. God, I appreciated that now.
When my dad passed away, a large piece of me went with him. I think my mom’s soul died that day, but not her spirit. She told me she’d never marry again, but deep down I wasn’t sure my dad would approve of that plan.
Unfortunately Dad’s illness had burdened Mom with tons of medical expenses and even though his life insurance helped, little else had been left. We’d never been rich, maybe not even comfortable most of the time, but we were happy. And we made do with what we had.
“Your dad would be proud, you know,” she said, swiping my hair behind my ear. “That you’re using his camera and pursuing photography.”
Mom was a spiritual person—you’d have to be to practice Reiki, just like her mother had before her—and she always said she felt Dad around her. I felt him too, but it was more in the advice he gave, the lessons he taught.
“It’s in my blood,” I said and pulled out a chair to sit down. “Just like it was for him.”
She nodded and sipped her tea, pleased with my answer.
“So tell me more about Nate.”
“You know Nate. I’ve mentioned him before.” My stomach tightened. “He grew up in Bridgeway, so he knew where all the cool bridges were.”
“And?” her eyebrow arched.
“And what?” I asked wondering what she was getting at.
“There’s something you’re not saying,” she said, placing her fingers on my arm. “Your energy changed as soon as I mentioned him.”
I couldn’t get anything past my mother. She had a rare gift for reading people. Her customers had stayed with her for years. She could lay her hands on your skin and practically see straight inside your soul. She’d been the first to feel the cancer energy inside my dad. But then it spread too rapidly.
“We’ve always been casual friends,” I said. “And I never really took him very seriously. But on the ride up we got to know each other better and . . . I began seeing him differently.”
“If only people took the time to do that, before passing judgment,” she said. “They’d see we all have the same simple truths hidden beneath the surface.”
My parents had always believed in acceptance and equality across the board and they were pretty hard to hold a candle to. I only hoped to have the same strength and wisdom.
We lapsed into a comfortable silence, me reading the headlines from the newspaper sitting on the table and Mom staring out the window at the bird feeder, lost in her own thoughts. I wanted to tell Mom more, tell her everything that happened between Nate and me, but I wasn’t exactly sure if I understood it all myself. Not yet.
So . . . what else happened on this road trip?” she finally asked, her eyes seeking mine.
“The more I got to know him, the closer I felt, and . . . I realized how attracted I was to him,” I said, being completely honest. “I even told him a few things about Dad.”
“Oh, honey,” she said, her eyes growing moist as she reached out to touch my hand.
“And then my tire blew out and we had to stay over to get it fixed in the morning.” I sighed. “We ate dinner, went to some country bar, and had a ball together.”
My mother waited on me to say what I was essentially trying to avoid.
“We . . . we kissed,” I said, running my hand over the back of my neck. “And it was, whoa.”
My mother brushed my hair away from my face. “You did more than kiss, honey.”
I nodded, my cheeks heating up. Even though I’d always been free to talk to my parents about anything, discussing sex was still pretty uncomfortable.
“Well?”
“It was kind of . . . amazing,” I said, biting my lip.
“But?” she stood and dumped her remaining tea in the sink.
“He kind of freaked out after that,” I said. “Almost like he was afraid of his own shadow.”
My mother’s eyebrows etched in concern. “Why do you think?”
“I think he’s had a really rough childhood, where he wasn’t treated all that great and it’s affected his relationships with other people,” I said keeping away from the gritty details of Nate’s family history.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “So now what?”
“So now nothing.” I shrugged. “It all started making sense, why he was never with any girls, at least not for more than a night, if that.”
“He’s got a lot to work out.”
“Yeah,” I said. “So, it was fun and I’ll continue to be his friend.”
She weaved her fingers through mine. “You’ve got to protect your heart too, you know.”
“I will,” I said.
My brother bounded down the stairs in his jeans and football T-shirt. He had sprung up in the last year and now towered over both my mother and me. He was a good-looking kid with a decent head on his shoulders, just like my dad.
“Hey, squirt,” I said. That was my childhood nickname for him, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get away with it for much longer. Definitely not outside the house, anyway. “You ready?”
As we piled into my mom’s car I felt amazingly better having spoken to her about Nate. Talking with my parents always had that same effect. They’d give me much needed perspective and I’d walk away feeling settled and strong. My heart ached wishing that Nate had had the same support growing up.
Chapter Twenty-four
Jessie
The first quarter had already begun as we climbed through the crowded stands. Cameron and his friend Ryan were bouncing with
excitement, and as I took in all the die-hard sports nuts in the home team’s cheering section, I realized that college games didn’t look much different than high school games. The stands were larger, had more rows, but the fans were probably the same.
“Sit wherever you can find a spot for all of us,” I yelled up to my brother who had looked back at my mom and me questioningly. He went about halfway up the stands and then began scooting past people to get to the middle of one of the rows. As I made my way over people’s legs, I immediately spotted Nate in the seats below and froze. Shit.
He was sitting with what looked like his parents and a pretty blond girl. My stomach plummeted immediately. Had he brought that girl with him to his brother’s game? I looked behind me at my mother, considering going back, and while I was contemplating my next move, this big guy began to make impatient noises because apparently I was blocking his girlfriend’s view. Right at that moment Nate turned to see what the commotion was behind him and his eyes zeroed in on me.
His lips parted in shock as if this was the last place he’d ever think to see me. Tell me about it. I forced my legs to keep sidestepping down the row until we were directly behind him. Awkward with a capital A.
The pretty blond girl next to him turned as well and looked me up and down. It could have very well been my colorful hair and tattoos, because I got that stank-eye often. Or it could have been curiosity about whom Nate, who was clearly there with her, was staring at.
But hold on a minute, Nate didn’t date. Was this a setup his parents had arranged? The girl certainly fit the bill.
Hi, Blue,” Nate said, his voice tentative, his eyes skating over to my brother and his friend, possibly recalling our earlier conversation. “I see you made it to a game.”
“Hey, Square,” I said, to set a level playing field. Then I grimaced. Was I trying to make the girl think I knew Nate better than she did? I didn’t do that kind of thing so I quickly pulled my shit together. “My brother wanted to come today since the Panthers will be going on the road next week.”
He nodded and then repositioned himself so that he could face me better in his seat.
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