There was silence on the line but I could hear her heavy breaths.
“I . . . I . . . okay, honey. If that’s what you need,” she said. “I’d just recommended you keep that information from your father and brother.”
That’s when I lost it. I rarely argued with my mother, but today I was ready to go toe to toe. “Why, Mom? Is that something I should be embarrassed about? Because I’m tired of feeling shame. In fact, I think I’ve had enough shame to last me a lifetime.”
“Nate, stop it, right this instant,” she said, her voice shaking. “You know your father doesn’t believe in therapy or broadcasting our family secrets.”
“See that’s the problem right there, Mom,” I said. “He’s worried because he’s done some fucked-up things. And he doesn’t want anybody to know about it. So he likes to make threats and keep us under his thumb.”
Her breathing pitched through the phone line but I kept on going.
“But I’m not going to keep pretending that it didn’t happen, that he isn’t who he is. I’m an adult, not a scared little kid anymore,” I said.
“Nate, I don’t think . . . I don’t think you should—” and then she dissolved into tears. I waited her out, moisture pricking the corners of my eyes.
“For the first time in a long while I feel free,” I said, softening my voice. “Relief. Hope.”
“I’m sorry, Nate,” she said, sniffling into the receiver. “So sorry.”
“Mom, please,” I said, thrusting my legs on the floor and standing up. “Leave him, come live with me for a while.”
“What? No, honey, that wouldn’t work at all. You have your own life and . . . you need to finish your degree.”
“Is this about the money, because I don’t give a shit about the money,” I told her. “We can figure this out together.”
“Nate, stop it. I know you worry but I’m fine right where I am,” she said, sounding stubborn as always. “You do what you need to do. And I’ll do the same. Just . . . finish college, find a job, and be happy.”
“Do you know how hard it is to feel any joy when deep down I know you’re not happy?” I growled into the phone while I paced around my apartment. “God, Mom, this is killing me.”
She gasped and sputtered and then finally seemed to find her voice. “Nate, honey, listen. I love you, you’re a wonderful son. But I’ve lived with your father a long time. I chose to be here with him in this marriage, in this house.”
I knew that would be her response but even still it infuriated me. Besides, I could read between the lines. She never once in her response told me that she was in fact happy. She never does.
“Fine. I can’t force you to face up to anything,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I swear to God if he touches you again, he’ll have to deal with me.”
“Honey, no,” she whispered. My heart was in my throat.
I could only change myself. Dr. Drake had said as much today. But it sure fucking felt like I was leaving her to the wolves. Or just one wolf.
“Do me a favor, would you?” I said, sinking back into the chair. “Call Aunt Johanna, Uncle Jack. Just reach out and let people in. Start doing things again, things you enjoy. Can you do that for me?”
There was a long pause. “Ye . . . Yes, of course.”
“I’m going to text you some numbers right after I get off the phone. He doesn’t have to know what they are,” I said. “They’re for support. Please don’t delete them.”
Chapter Twenty-six
Nate
I pulled up to Rachel and Ella’s apartment building. Kai was up this weekend for Quinn’s party. We had an appointment at my uncle’s track to do some bracket racing.
We were meeting my brother Luke at the track as well and I was surprised he was even interested in the invite at all since he had passed the last few times.
Ever since the concert I attended with Kai last summer, he and I had gotten closer, hung out often, and talked a whole lot more. It was cool because even though our mothers were sisters, my family had been isolated from our other relatives for practically my entire life.
We’d see each other at holiday time, sure, but I suspected that because of what was happening behind closed doors, my mother had shut herself off from her family, fearful of what they might find out. My father had kept her on a tight leash, but he was away so much now that she probably could’ve broken free ages ago.
If only I understood what was holding her back. Lack of confidence? Guilt? The threat of his wrath?
“How you doin’, man?” Kai said, opening the door and getting settled in the car.
“Pretty good,” I said, steering back onto the road. “Psyched about logging some time. It’s been a while.”
“Same here,” he said, shoving his hands through his shoulder-length hair. If I let my hair grow out like he had, I’d look ridiculous, but Kai was the epitome of cool and wore it well.
“Rachel good?” I asked as we pulled off the next freeway exit.
He grinned in a way that told me he got something good last night and maybe again this morning. “She’s great.”
We parked, exited the car, and were greeted by my uncle Jack. “Nice to see you boys together again.”
As we further entered the building he said, “Where’s your brother?”
I looked toward the window. “Luke should be on his way.”
Not a moment later, Luke heaved open the door looking wild eyed and pumped up. He wore a scowl on his face that suggested he’d been rushing to make it on time or had just gotten in an argument with his girlfriend.
As usual, his mood permeated the room. Everyone seemed to tiptoe around him when he got like this and even my uncle approached him cautiously by clapping him gently on the shoulder.
Then he led us to a back room where we slipped into our Nomex driving suits. They were used as a precaution, for crashes and fire safety. Though if we even thought about getting stupid out there and jeopardizing anything, my uncle would unquestionably ban us from his racetrack.
Today was the day I’d be allowed to drive my favorite ride, a red number 89. It was a souped-up stock car with a 1,300 horsepower and could hug the curves at 315 miles per hour—not that my uncle would ever permit that.
Before I followed my uncle and Kai down to the pit, I grabbed hold of my brother’s arm at the top of the stairs.
“What the fuck, dude?” I growled close to his ear. “What are you all jacked up about?”
“Fuck you,” he said, trying to loosen out of my grasp. “None of your damn business.”
“Man, I’m just concerned,” I said. “You’re always in a bad mood lately and you probably don’t even realize it.”
When he just stared at me, I got fed up and the words flew out of my mouth. “You’ve got some anger management issues, man. Just like Dad.”
“You’re an asshole,” he said, but I refused to let him free.
“Listen, we went through a lot with him as kids,” I said. “I just don’t want you to show that same kind of rage.”
“He was just trying to keep us in line,” he said, not meeting my eyes.
“Is that the lie you tell yourself?” I said, jostling him a bit. “Remember you and me? We’d hide out in each other’s rooms and listen as he beat her down.”
He closed his eyes, his lips in a tight line, as if he didn’t want to hear it.
“So I figure we’ve got his genes and we can go one of two ways. And I am not choosing that route,” I said, tightening my hold. “Not only that, it would not be cool to keep losing your shit in front of Anna. You wouldn’t want her to be scared of you or dump your ass.”
“Leave me the hell alone,” he said, wrenching from my grasp and storming off to the pit. Fuck. I hoped to God he calmed down before he got in that car.
“What was that about, son?” my uncle asked as Luke fumed past him to the stands.
I sighed. “Just the usual crap between brothers. No big deal.”
My uncle looked li
ke he was about to say something, but then he was motioned over by one of the crew. As we walked down to the speedway, I suddenly felt like driving my car right into a goddamn wall. Keeping silent was way easier. Or at least it felt that way right now.
Uncle Jack chose Kai to run the course first, as if he knew Luke and I needed to get our heads in the game before driving one of his vehicles around the track.
We continued to ignore each other the rest of the morning. Thankfully, Kai was pretty easygoing and didn’t ask any questions.
Just like every other time, as soon as I got behind the wheel of number 89, my pulse pitched through the roof. It was such a rush to step on the gas and zoom around the track. As the wheels hugged the curves, my head was completely focused on the task in front of me.
By the time I got out of the car, my heartbeat was ragged, my legs were shaky, and my knuckles ached from gripping the steering wheel so damn hard. It was just the adrenaline boost I needed.
As we were leaving, Uncle Jack gave us one-armed hugs and then we headed out the door.
“Thanks again.” I gave a final wave.
“Anytime,” he said. “Tell your mom hello for me.”
I turned toward my uncle. “Maybe you should give her a call and tell her yourself sometime. Bet she’d want to catch up.”
His forehead creased. “Okay, son. I will.”
Luke scowled at me but I ignored him and kept walking to the car.
Kai gave me a curious look when I slid into the driver’s seat.
“How is your mom, Nate?” he asked, turning to look at me. He obviously noticed something was off about our exchange.
Instead of answering his question, I said, “When do you think was the last time our moms have spoken?”
His eyebrows bunched together in concern. Probably because of how unsteady my voice had sounded. Plus, I’d never really asked him that kind of question before.
“Not sure.” He shrugged. “Why, what’s up? Everything okay?”
I stayed silent while I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel and bolstered my courage.
“Kai, I’m going to tell you something because I need to and then you can decide what to do with the information.”
I turned off the ignition, so I could give him my full attention.
“I’m listening,” he said, twisting his head in my direction.
“Man.” I exhaled and relaxed into the seat. “I don’t know if you even know the shit that’s gone down in my family.”
He looked stunned and then shook his head. “Not really sure what you mean.”
“My dad . . .” I said. “He’s . . . been a total prick my entire life.”
“I mean, I knew he was tough on you guys and real stern . . . I could tell as a kid you were afraid of him.” Kai’s eyes narrowed. “He was also kinda . . . hard to get to know.”
“Yeah, well . . .” I took a deep breath. “When we were kids, he . . . got angry a lot . . . and took it out on us. Mostly on my mom.”
“Fuck,” Kai said, sitting ramrod straight. For all of his problems, Kai has always had loving parents. So this information might’ve been hard for him to swallow. “Is your mom . . . is he still . . .”
“She says no, not since we’ve been kids,” I said, shrugging. “I hope to God she’d telling the truth.”
“Shit, Nate, that’s fucked up.” He looked past me out the window as if maybe picturing all of our holidays together, things he might’ve picked up on, or not.
“Thing is, I’m pretty sure that’s why she doesn’t talk to your mom anymore. She didn’t want anyone to know what was going down,” I said. “But I was hoping your mom, would maybe . . . want to reach out to her.”
He looked me in the eye. “You okay with me sharing that with her?”
“That’s one of the reasons why I told you,” I said. “It’s time we all . . . God, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just know that I was tired of holding it in. I had a shitty childhood and that’s that, time to move forward.”
“So sorry, man,” Kai said. “I’ll admit that my mom has worried over the years. I’d hear her talking with my dad sometimes. I think she thought your father was . . . I don’t know. Not someone she approved of for your mom.”
“Well that’s the understatement of the century,” I said, giving a humorless laugh.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Nate
I headed toward the bowling alley where friends were celebrating Quinn’s birthday. I’ve never had a best friend, not really, but Bennett probably came closest. The guys from the shop were cool and I’d gotten drunk at one too many parties with Quinn’s fraternity brothers. Not that he lived at that house anymore. He mainly stayed with Ella at her place, but he remained close to a frat guy named Brian and his girlfriend Tracey, who were probably here tonight.
I pulled into the full lot. This place was old school and popular with the locals, plus it had good beer and decent food. I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d been bowling but Ella had rented out a few lanes, maybe in an effort to allow Quinn to live out his childhood or something. Once, I overheard her say that he’d always travelled with his politician parents as a kid and was virtually ignored by them.
Everyone had their shit to deal with.
Ella was someone I used to try to stay clear of. She worked a hotline, was almost done with her psychology degree and had helped Quinn through a tough time. I always had this fear, a habit Dr. Drake told me would be hard to break, that if I talked to her too much, she would guess everything about me.
When I stepped out of my car, I noticed Jessie’s red pickup truck parked one row over and my heart vaulted to my throat.
My gaze immediately travelled to her front passenger tire—which was now sagging low. Goddamn it, Jessie. I knew she should have bought a new tire, I should have insisted. Well now I would. I’d follow her home to make sure she got there safely if she wouldn’t let me drive her.
I walked in and saw my friends gathered at the end lanes where there were balloons tied to every post. I smirked at Cory and a couple other tattoo artists, who were lacing up their red and blue bowling shoes.
Another couple of guys I recognized from the frat house were playing pool. Brian was with them and he waved to me. I paid my admission and told the dude behind the counter my shoe size all while I scouted out the room for Jessie.
It took me a moment because her hair had changed again—back to the way I like it—but I finally spotted her near the bathroom hallway talking to Dex. From what I remember of their history, they had hooked up briefly. She had been the one to call it off and then swear off dating anyone else from the shop. Smart girl.
They now looked to be in heated discussion and to make his point, Dex had placed his hand on her arm. Everyone could see he was still into her and whenever he was drinking, he always made his intentions known. The guys always laughed it off, as did Jessie, but now my chest burned hot with lava.
I’d been up to the bar a couple of times when Dex had become sloppy drunk and whined to Jessie about breaking up with him. I didn’t know how much they had done with each other and my gut tightened imagining that he had been the one with the handcuffs mentioned in the never have I ever game.
Where in the hell was this insane jealousy coming from? I’d never felt this possessive over a girl before. Ever. Fuck.
Her eyes met mine across the wide expanse of space, and as I moved toward them, ready to pulverize him, she shook her head as if to call me off. She yanked her arm away from Dex and headed back to the lanes.
Bowling shoes in hand, I sat down on one of the benches and clapped Quinn on the back. “Happy birthday, man.”
“Thanks for coming,” Ella said and gave me a hug. “We just ordered pizza and wings and a round of beer. Pick a lane to bowl and make yourself comfortable.”
I tipped my chin to Bennett who was helping Avery encode the names on the nearest machine and then looked over to Kai and Rachel.
“Wanna b
owl with us?” Kai asked. His eyes still seemed haunted from our conversation this morning. It would probably be that way for a while.
I looked up at the board and saw that Jessie and Emmy’s names were already there. “Yeah, sure.”
“Hey, Blue,” I said, finally glancing at her. Her hair was that dark brown color that I loved with blue tips and as if she knew I had noticed the change, she twirled one end around her finger. “Your tire is low again.”
“I know, Square,” she said, quietly. “Quinn already pointed it out to me.”
“You should’ve—”
“Don’t even say it,” she practically hissed and then her eyes darted to Cory and Bennett, and then back to me. Quinn gave us a quizzical look.
What the hell? Was she afraid they’d question us about our weekend together?
I nodded and then stormed off to grab a beer even though I had no clue what the heck my problem was. It wasn’t like I had told people about our night together, either. But somehow her hiding it had made me feel cheap.
What a fucking mess.
The lights were turned down, some moody seventies music piped through the speakers and one of the employees announced that it was Moon Rock Bowling time. All the balls glowed neon pink and blue and green and Ella was clapping and squealing, like she was five. It was kinda cute and Quinn was grinning at her like some lovesick puppy.
Hell, I wondered what that felt like, to be so into somebody that you looked like some damn goofball. I snickered until I recalled how I’d just stormed off like an impetuous kid in junior high. I looked up and met Jessie’s remorseful eyes. Had that been me? Was I that into Jessie, even though we weren’t in a relationship?
Despite my initial reluctance to this ridiculous bowling theme, I’d admit an hour later that we were having a good time. Kai and I told Quinn about our time on the racetrack this morning and invited him to come along next time.
We were laughing and singing along to all of that great stoner music. Cory and Dex had started some kind of stunt bowling game, which was like that game horse that people usually played with a basketball. Except these two clowns were trying to one-up each other on how they threw the bowling ball down the lane. They were performing under-the-leg and spinning shots, which was ludicrous but amusing to watch.
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