by Hatch, Donna
She drew in a ragged breath. “But when I found out he never gave up his mistress, and even got a new mistress every few months when he got bored of his last, and that public affair with first the opera singer and then that actress, I realized loving him would not have saved our marriage, it would only have destroyed me.” She twisted the reins in trembling hands.
If only he could have protected her from all that!
Reed closed his eyes. He’d been foolish to think spending more time with her would cure his obsession with her. Instead, it made it worse. Yet he was an even greater idiot for considering a future with someone whose decisions were based upon public opinion. He considered Lord Evensley’s comment that she turned him down to please her uncle more than for society’s approval.
After a moment, Reed said, “If he’d been worthy of you, you would have loved him.”
“I’d like to think so, but I compared every man I met to you. They always lacked in some way.”
He took a steadying breath, uncertain whether her revelation left him elated, relieved, or terrified.
She let out a half sob. “The killing blow came when he began flaunting his actress, taking her to all the parties where he should have been taking me and telling everyone that she was the Fire Queen and I was the Ice Queen. The newspapers...” she choked, “had a party with that.”
Reed let out his breath, shaken at her husband’s cruelty. During all those years abroad, he pictured her confession how much she loved him and how she regretted turning him down, and him effectively snubbing her. He’d imagined how satisfied he’d feel to hurt her like she’d hurt him. But seeing the stark pain, the open vulnerability, only made him want to protect her. His plan to court her long enough to free his heart, cracked.
He curled his hands into fists, aching to peel away all the lost time between them, hold her in his arms, tuck her into his heart. Like a knight of old, he wanted to shield her from everything hurtful, vanquish her enemies, and carry her off to safety.
She started walking again, and he fell into step with her. A gentle wind stirred the trees, punctuated by her horse’s soft clip-clop behind them. A pair of laughing children ran past with their nursemaid close on their heels.
Reed watched Amy, but she kept her gaze downward, her arms folded like a shield to protect her from hurt.
He raised a hand toward her, but dropped it without touching her. “I’m amazed you ever come to London at all anymore.”
“I didn’t last Season. After my divorce, I stayed in the country and refused what few visitors came calling.”
“What changed your mind?”
“The orphanage. I came to gain supporters for it. Aunt Millie helped me a great deal, especially these last few weeks since I’ve been back in Town. She’s such a dear lady.” Amelia glanced apologetically at him as if realizing her words might have wounded him.
Their gazes held. In her eyes swirled years of regret and sorrow. Reed had to clamp his mouth shut before he said something he’d later regret.
They passed a girl carrying a basket of violets who offered them a timid smile. She dropped her head and moved on, no doubt to the marketplace where she hoped to sell her flowers.
Amelia called to her. “I’d like a bouquet, miss.”
“Oi, m’laedy, thankee kindly.”
“Allow me,” Reed said with a smile.
Amelia watched him guardedly as he paid the coin and then handed a bunch of flowers to her with a flourish.
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
She lowered her head into the flowers and drew in a deep breath. Reed suspected the maneuver had more to do with avoiding his gaze more than to enjoy the scent.
Without raising her head Amelia said, “I can’t believe I told you all that about my husband—former husband. You must think me a very great fool.”
“I think your husband was a very great fool and I’d like to tell him so.” Actually, he wanted to wring the man’s neck.
Her gaze slid his way and she blinked at him. “Truly?”
“Certainly. And as far as your former friends, anyone who knows you is a half-wit to listen to that kind of petty rumor. You are the warmest and most caring lady I’ve ever known.”
She halted and turned to face him fully, the full impact of her searching gaze hitting him like a sudden gust of wind. “Do you really mean that?”
“I do.”
“Then...you don’t hate me?”
He drew a slow breath and shook his head. “No, of course I don’t hate you.”
“I feared you did.”
“I admit it was a bit unsettling seeing you again. I apologize for my cool greeting. And for my words in the library.” However, he could not regret the kiss.
She shook her head and began walking again. “Nothing less than I deserve, I’m sure.”
“That’s not true.”
“I just wish I’d made better choices in the past.” She glanced quickly at him. “I wish I’d had the courage to marry you when you wanted me. I know you no longer do, but it breaks my heart to think that you’re leaving and I’ll lose you again.”
Her confession left him winded. He didn’t have the armor necessary to ward off Amelia’s assault. He didn’t have a shield to defend himself from these weapons of honesty and longing and love.
Then she delivered the final blow. “I know you must think me shameless for declaring myself to you, but if I let you leave without telling you how I feel, I will always regret it. And believe me; I don’t need any more regret. In spite of my marriage, my heart has been constant to you.”
He pressed his hand to his eyes. How could he fight this? This was the Amelia he’d loved, the guileless girl who spoke her mind and loved with such innocence.
But doubt clouded his thoughts if they could really be happy together, or if years of bitterness left him too closed over to give and receive love.
Chapter 7
Shocked by her own confession, Amelia waited with her heart thudding in her ears. Reed said nothing. Of course he wouldn’t. She was a ninny to hope he would.
He no longer loved her, probably hadn’t in years.
She turned away to hide her tears springing to her eyes. “Forgive me. I’ve made you uncomfortable. Be well, Reed. Good bye.” Her voice cracked.
In an attempt to gather what little remained of her pride, she squared her shoulders and strode away without a backward glance, gripping her horse’s reins as if they were the only thing keeping her upright.
She used a bench as a mounting block and galloped away without looking back at Reed. After finding a secluded area of the park, Amelia dismounted, sank down onto a bench, and sobbed. Despite the pain of saying good-bye the first time, and the ensuing years of loneliness, nothing compared to the agony of knowing what she’d lost, and would never again find. She obviously didn’t deserve a second chance. She’d laid her heart at Reed’s feet, and he’d failed to pick it up, or give her any hope. Perhaps it was just as well. She didn’t know if she had the courage to try another relationship. Her choices before had led her to misery.
Numb and exhausted from her cry, Amelia mounted her patient horse and walked him back to Aunt Millie’s Mayfair house. She left him in the care of a footman who would, no doubt, see him delivered to the mews.
“Amelia dear?” Her aunt’s voice drifted from the back parlor.
“Yes, Aunt.” She found Aunt Millie bent over embroidery.
“Did you have a nice ride?”
Amy sank into the divan next to her aunt and kissed her cheek. “It was lovely.”
The muffled sounds of the street outside wormed into the room’s silence and Amelia twisted her gloves in her lap.
“It’s Reed St. Ives, isn’t it?”
Amelia started. “I beg your pardon?”
“The reason you’ve been so quiet ever since Lord and Lady Evensley’s party. I know it isn’t because anyone said anything to you. From what I saw, they were all polite…unless
someone said something in private?”
“No. The Evensley’s friends were polite. I’m merely tired, Aunt. London air has never agreed with me.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
Amelia traced the pattern of her skirt with a finger. “What do you want me to say?”
“Dearest, I know you’ve always tried very hard to be everything we expected of you. But there are times when one must follow one’s heart, instead of living up to the ideals of others.”
“I know.”
“Do you really?” She set aside her embroidery.
“I know you and Uncle loved me. You’ve always been very kind to me and you never made me feel a burden.”
Aunt Millie, her namesake, substitute mother, and dearest friend took her hand. “You wish you’d gone against your uncle’s wishes and married Reed St. Ives, don’t you? Seeing him has brought it all back.”
Tears stung Amelia’s eyes. “Uncle was right; Reed was not a suitable match.” Yet even to her, the words sounded thin and forced.
Aunt Millie let out a snort. “A love match is not such a bad thing. I told you that back in the beginning.”
Amelia wiped the tears coursing down her cheeks and pushed away the images. “He wasn’t suitable.”
“His only flaws were his background.”
“And his chosen profession.”
“I admit that was the worst of it. If he’d become a respectable doctor instead of a surgeon who sullies his hands, your uncle might have been more understanding. You can’t blame your uncle dear. He was trying very hard to be a good guardian for you.”
“I know. I trusted him. He was usually right.” Amy smiled. “Except when he disagreed with you.”
Aunt Millie’s mouth curved. “Yes, well, he wasn’t right about Reed. Amy, dearest, you’re a grown woman now, and you can make your own choices. Reed St. Ives is a good man. If you still love him, then you should make it known to him. He clearly still has strong feelings for you.”
“Of the negative kind.”
Aunt Millie smiled mysteriously. “Don’t be too sure.”
Amelia let out her breath. “I did speak with him. Against my better judgment, I told him how I feel about him but whatever he once felt for me is gone. I hurt him too badly and he no longer loves me. It’s my fault.”
“You were obedient to your uncle. Defying a father-figure you’ve spent years trying to impress is difficult when you’re seventeen. Or at any age, for that matter.”
“I should have listened to you. You tried to tell me, but I didn’t listen.” Amelia heaved a sigh. “It no longer matters.”
Aunt Millie looked pained. “I think you should know; when Lord Forsythe asked for your hand, your uncle had doubts about him. But he couldn’t bring himself to reject Lord Forsythe. After you and Reed parted ways, you were so broken-hearted that your uncle couldn’t bear to cause you such pain again by rejecting a second suitor. Your uncle thought if you married Lord Forsythe, you might be happy again.”
Amelia nodded. “Uncle did question me regarding my feelings for Lord Forsythe, but I was reluctant to express any opinion. I relied entirely upon his judgment because I was afraid to trust mine.” She let out a mirthless laugh and then shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. For all I know, Reed and I would have been miserable, too.”
“I doubt that. Amelia dear, he’s come back into your life again. Don’t waste this second chance.”
Suddenly unable to continue this conversation, Amelia stood. “I think I’ll lie down before dinner. Oh, and I’ve decided to return to the country Friday next.”
“So soon?”
“I’ve had more than enough of London. I did what I intended to do; I attended parties, faced down those who renounced me, and more importantly, secured the funds I needed for the orphanage. It’s time to go home.”
“Must you leave so soon? It will be so lonely without you here.”
“I wish to return to oversee the improvements at the orphanage.”
“I see.”
The sooner she got away from London, the presence of Reed St. Ives, and all the painful memories, the better. With luck, she’d stay busy enough to push back her emptiness.
The following morning, as Amelia donned her riding gloves for her customary ride in the park, the butler announced Dr. St. Ives to see her.
Amelia’s heart thumped double-time. “Very well. Show him in.”
Reed entered, sweeping off his hat and extending a hand, his eyes making a slow perusal of her. His teeth flashed. “I always did love you in red.”
Her breath left her in a rush. “Reed.”
“You sound surprised. Did you not agree to go riding with me this morning?”
“I…I wasn’t sure the offer stood.”
“Have I ever broken my word?”
“No, indeed.”
He eyed her in that piercing way he had as if searching out all her secrets. “Do you no longer wish to accept?”
“Not at all. I …” She glanced down at her riding habit. “I am dressed for it.” She expected him to smile but he grew grave.
“If you do not wish to be in my company, tell me now and spare us both the discomfort. I’ll understand if you tell me you didn’t mean what you said to me yesterday.”
“I do wish to go riding with you.” Her words came out in a rush, and she suspected her desperation was painfully apparent. “And I meant what I said.”
She winced. She’d just turned her heart inside out. She stood waiting for him to pour acid on the raw, exposed areas.
He offered her his arm. “Shall we?”
At least he hadn’t rejected her. Or mocked her as he’d likely been tempted. She searched his face but found no clues as to his thoughts.
They stepped outside as a stable boy appeared with her favorite bay saddled and ready for her morning ride. Reed helped her up, his hand warm and strong on her waist, then moved away to mount a lovely chestnut gelding.
They spoke of inconsequential things on the way to the park, and then rode side by side for the better part of an hour. She’d forgotten how beautifully he rode, as if he were a part of the horse instead of a separate being. They spoke little, but the silence was unexpectedly comfortable. They slowed to a walk, their horses’ hooves moving in unison.
Reed glanced at her. “I never did get my ice from Gunther’s. Shall we go now?”
“I’d like that.”
Another rider came from the opposite direction and an all-too-familiar voice rang out. “Well, well, the Ice Queen and the surgeon.”
Amelia looked up and broke out into a cold sweat as she met the sneering face of her former husband, Lord Forsythe.
Chapter 8
As the color fled from Amelia’s face, Reed turned to the rider who’d spoken. Cold anger settled into his stomach.
He inclined his head but did not bother to keep the malice out of his voice. “Lord Forsythe.”
Amelia’s former husband barely spared him a glance. “You look positively ill, my dear. Perhaps it’s that color. I never did like you in red. Or maybe unmarried life does not suit you after all?”
“You do not suit me,” Amelia shot back.
“No, we never were a good pair. But at least I got your dowry for my trouble, so I suppose it wasn’t a complete waste.”
Reed’s cold anger turned into a hot rage. “Watch yourself, sir, lest I take exception to your behavior toward the lady.”
Lord Forsythe laughed, sharp and mirthless. “You do play the lover well, St. Ives, but I know better. And really, she isn’t worth the trouble.”
“She’s worth far more than a cowardly snake like you is capable of giving.”
Lord Forsythe’s eyes narrowed. “I suppose you think because you survived a war that you’re brave. But do not make the mistake of crossing me.”
Reed maneuvered his horse closer to the lord and stared him down. “Do not make the mistake of insulting Amy either in public or private again or I assure you, I wi
ll ensure that you will regret it.”
Lord Forsythe scoffed, but a hesitant light touched his eye. “You do not intimidate me.”
“Leave. Her. Be.”
Amelia’s former husband sneered but uneasiness touched his posture. “I told you; she isn’t worth it.” He looked Amelia over from head to toe. “Farewell, Ice Queen. Maybe this hot-blooded fool will warm your frigid heart. I care not.”
Amy raised her chin. “I wish you well, Lord Forsythe. I’m sure some day you’ll find a woman who loves you in spite of all your flaws. I truly hope you don’t simply die of some horrible disease you picked up at a brothel.”
With a murderous glint in his eyes Lord Forsythe moved closer. Reed leaped forward to intervene, but didn’t need to; Amy brought up her riding crop, poised to strike.
Lord Forsythe let out a scoff. “You aren’t worth the trouble.” He spurred his horse and left them.
Reed took a calming breath, still wishing he could have strangled the heartless cad. Amelia’s ragged breathing drew his attention. She pressed her lips into a tight line, and her hands clenched her reins as if trying to squeeze the life out of them.
“Amy.” He moved his horse next to hers, close enough that his leg brushed against her mare. He reached out and took her trembling hands in his. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”
She gripped his hand as if she depended upon it to remain upright. “I don’t know why I let him upset me so.” She let out a half sob. “To think I once thought I might someday love him.”
“He puts on a charming veneer when he chooses to.”
“I won’t make that mistake a second time.”
“What? Falling for the charms of a rake, or getting married.”
“Trying to please someone else instead of listening to my heart.” She drew in a breath and squared her shoulders. “Thank you for the ride.”
