by Debra Kayn
"I'm twenty-six years old, and I've never had a lover. I've never fallen in love. I've never had one man I could fully trust not to hurt me." She crossed her arms and cupped her elbows. "All the sex I've had was either forced on me, or I laid there indifferently to the feelings and emotions."
"Sweetheart—"
"Despite all that, Dawson, I'm not dead or emotionless." Her voice cracked. "Around you, I feel things that make me wonder what it feels like to fall in love and wake up in a man's arms and be wanted for more than a man's sexual relief. There are times I want to roll over in bed and put my hand on you instead of lying there pretending I’m asleep so you'll keep your hand on the back of my neck."
"Roni, I know—"
"You've turned me down before. You stop yourself at every turn. I'm not exactly sure what to do with all that." She inhaled swiftly. "That night I tried to please you, and you removed my hand and told me no. It hurt worse than being hit in the face, because it wasn't sex you rejected, it was me. I was able to see myself through your eyes, and I'm not pretty. What I do is ugly and dirty."
"You're beautiful," he said.
Her eyes softened, and she gave a sad shake of her head. "I'm not talking about my physical looks. I'm a sex worker, a childhood survivor of sexual abuse by a stepfather, and recently I was the whore to a man who inadvertently killed your sister by putting her on the street corner. And, yet, I'm a woman who feels and having you here trying to help me confuses me. I'm not strong enough to look at what is happening between us and not end up falling helplessly in love with you because you do everything right, and I've never had someone in my life who seemed to care. I don't know what to do with everything that comes with you."
Dawson stood, unable to listen to what he'd done to her. She had no fucking clue how hard it was to tell her no, and he'd like nothing more than to prove how much she turned him on right now by taking her on the table. But, when it was over, she'd view him like every other man who had taken advantage of her, and he was determined to show her he was different.
He couldn't take what she confessed and abuse her feelings.
He wasn't the kind of guy who planned for the future. He raked his hands through his hair and stepped over to the window.
He cared about her.
He wanted her.
But, how much of his attraction was based on his responsibility for her and their circumstances?
If any other woman who looked and acted like Roni let him know she was his for the taking, he'd never question himself. Roni declared he'd be the first man she had feelings for if he wanted to step up and take a place in her life.
His reluctance had nothing to do with her past.
He was afraid of disappointing her.
Once she learned everything about him, she'd change her mind. Then, she'd add his name to the list of men who fucked her over.
"Say something, please," she whispered.
He turned around. Her vulnerable state tonight sat on his shoulders and weighed him down. So fucking brave, she'd laid everything out in front of her.
"You're wrong about yourself." He returned to the table, sat down, and offered his hands, palms up, on the table.
She put her hands in his. He swallowed his regrets.
"Any man would be lucky to have you in his life. You have everything to give. A first date." He inhaled deeply, remembering what she'd planned if she had money in her pocket and a free day to enjoy with him. "Other women fall in love every year and make love to every boyfriend they believe will be her last, and you're sitting here eager to experience your first. You're a better woman than I had ever hoped for, but..."
She frowned. "But?"
He brought her hands up and kissed her knuckles, hating himself. He'd sworn to protect Roni, and he wouldn't fail.
"You will find that special person who will love you and give you everything you've been afraid to dream." His voice grew hoarse, and his gut tightened making it hard to breathe. "He'll be someone who won't disappoint you."
She tugged on her hands. "I see."
"No, you don't." He shook his head in frustration and to calm himself down over thinking about another man stepping into her life and being the kind of person he could never be for her. "I would love that person you want to have all those firsts with to be me, but every time you look at me, you'll think of your past and Jacqueline. And, no matter how hard you try, you'll remember what brought us together, and it'll be a wall that you can't tear down. I'm a felon, sweetheart. I won't have a cushy job in an office, but a dirty job working under the table or if I'm lucky I'll be turning a wrench and scrubbing grease. I'm living off money from Sparrows right now, trying to put my life back together. I have nothing to offer you, except a way out of the Network, a roof over your head in Seattle, and a new start. I want to give that to you."
Her hand left his, and she bit her thumbnail. His chest ached for how bad he wanted to be the man in her life and take the chance of something fantastic happening between them. He'd been by himself for too long, taking care of his sister, putting money first, and catering to Sparrows. For how much he wanted her, he had to think of her needs first.
She lowered her hand. Her tired eyes dulled by the conversation.
"Give me three days and I'll be ready to go to Seattle with you," she said in a monotone voice.
He blinked, letting his eyes close in relief. "Thank you."
"I'm not doing it for you, Dawson." She lifted her chin. "I'm doing it for me."
He nodded in understanding. Over the course of weeks, she'd grown. The first night he'd walked into her room, she'd cowered in fear, so petrified she couldn't talk to him. Tonight, she'd given him a piece of her she'd never given anyone else and even though the outcome wasn't what she'd hoped for, he hoped she'd found the strength to reach for her dreams.
She sighed in awkwardness and pulled out her phone. "Tiff said you had her phone number. I'd like to text her and go back up to my room."
He pulled out his cell. "Six-five-nine-two-zero-one-six."
She typed in her message and stood from the table. "I'm going to go upstairs now. It'd probably be better if you stay at your hotel at night until it's time for us to leave for Seattle."
"So, you want to head out on Thursday?" he said, standing and walking to her side.
She nodded and gazed up at him. He waited for her to say more, but she only looked at him, hiding what she was thinking.
"Sweetheart...are you okay?" He swept her bangs off her forehead and kissed her between the brows.
"It's not my place to tell you that you're wrong." She stepped back. "You have shadows chasing you, but you don't have a dark soul. Not like the one Vince had. I don't know what you're running from, but I can tell you that it's tiring and lonely."
He stepped forward and stopped. "Sweetheart..."
She ducked her chin, obviously finished with what she had to say and walked to the stairs. He let her go. The desire to be more for her left him aching.
Chapter Sixteen
Her last customer undid the belt at his waist and pulled his zipper down. Roni held out a condom. He'd claimed his name was Joe.
The countdown for his fifteen minutes dwindled. Joe seemed to get more aroused the longer he waited for a blowjob.
"Have you ever had this big of cock in your mouth?" Joe rolled the condom on and fisted the root of his dick.
She raised her brows and shook her head. Compared to the other six men she'd blown off tonight, he ranked in the bottom three according to size. None of them stood out as impressive if she was a woman who believed size mattered, which she wasn't.
The smaller the dick, the easier her job.
They all tasted the same wearing a condom and even thinking about putting her mouth on the Latex left her swallowing the gag that threatened to choke her.
Joe lifted his free hand toward her face. She ducked, her heart racing. Hyper aware of all movements from the customer, she couldn't stop the fear of getting hit.
"No touching," she said, gasping for breath.
"Come on, baby." Joe tilted his head, his eyelids at half-mast. "Let me rub your full lips and softened them up to take my big dick."
His hand stroked his covered length. If the guy kept talking, he'd jerk himself off and any tip he gave her would be gone.
She slipped out of her robe and kneeled at his feet. Keeping her gaze upon his face, she opened her mouth. The sight of her naked body more than enough incentive, he stepped forward and put the end of his cock at her lips. She surrounded him with her mouth. Light pressure, no tongue.
The musty scent of earth clung to him. Unable to breathe through her mouth, she stared at his chin and concentrated on him being a miner.
Miners were hard-working men. He probably had a tired wife with a couple of kids at home underfoot that looked forward to her husband coming home so she could get a minute by herself to shower and cook dinner.
"Suck it, baby." Joe thrust against her.
She applied pressure with her tongue. A shiver rolled down her spine, and her stomach rolled at the strong rubbery taste and texture.
Her eyes watered at the force. Unable to keep her lips relaxed, the corners of her mouth stretched uncomfortably.
Joe hooked her neck, holding her in front of him and unable to retreat. A scream gathered in her throat making her mouth tighter, the suction greater. She pulled against his hand, and he groaned his release and let her go. Scrambling to her feet, she swiped her robe off the floor and shoved her arms in the sleeves.
Lightheaded and panicked, she backed up to the dresser and leaned on the surface for support. Joe's session over. He needed to leave. Now. Five minutes ago.
She pointed toward the door, sending him farther away from her. "Wastebasket."
She wanted to push him out of the room and never see him again. Never see another customer named Joe. Never see a man standing over her. Never see a man aroused at the expense of her fear.
A knock came, and Tiff opened the door. Roni's knees dipped, and she caught herself on the dresser. Tiff took one look at her and talked to Joe quietly and ushered him out.
Roni gave up and sank to the floor. Her body trembled. That was her last customer. She was leaving for Seattle in the morning. Swearing never to let a man use her body again, she promised herself that she would do whatever possible to make sure she kept her word.
She'd starve.
Live in a cardboard box.
But, she would never kneel in front of a man and taste the God-awful condom again.
Tomorrow, she'd be gone.
Dawson, true to his word, had stayed away from Red Light the last two days like she'd asked him to do. She stared at her short fingernails bitten down to the quick. Every minute since, she regretted her decision. But, she needed to go back to her hometown where she belonged, and Dawson was her ride to a better life.
"Roni?" Tiff walked into the room. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "I'm fine."
"You looked like you'd seen a ghost." Tiff held out her hand. "Let's get you off the floor."
She ignored the offered hand. Tiff was pregnant and with all the work she had running Red Light and Silver Girls, the last thing she needed to do was lift Roni's ass off the floor.
"That was your last customer. You're officially retired from the Network." Tiff lowered her voice. "Are you okay with your decision?"
"It's been a good year working. I've saved all my money, and I've enjoyed my stays at the four different bordellos I worked at, and the other ladies were friendly, but I'm glad that was the final customer I'd have to see. I've found out that I'm not cut out to work in the sex industry. That's probably hard to understand coming from a woman like me, but in here..." She patted her chest. "I've always had a problem separating sex and being used. I'm not like the other ladies in the Network who eventually accept men coming to them for sex. I know the men walk out of the room instantly forgetting about what happened between us, while I...it's not that I remember the men, but I remember each and every blowjob as if I've been hurt and carry the scar. I can't do it anymore because I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget."
Tiff squeezed Roni's arm. "Someday, you'll be able to let go and accept that you worked to survive, and I hope it won't hurt as much for you."
"Thank you," whispered Roni.
"Okay." Tiff smiled. "Get ready for dinner. The ladies have something special planned for you. Though don't tell them I told you. I figured you aren't the kind of person who likes surprises."
Warmth filled her cold body. She waited until the door shut and hurried into the bathroom to brush her teeth, rinse her mouth, and not satisfied, she brushed them again and rinsed. To be safe, she popped a mint into her mouth before her shower in case the freshness in her mouth wore out before she finished.
Knowing Dawson wanted to leave early in the morning while there was no snow in the forecast for the next twenty-four hours, she carried out her shampoo and soap when she finished her shower and put them on the counter. Everything else she owned was packed in one suitcase.
She'd bargained off most of her keepsakes she'd received from her mom and took them when she ran away from home. Later, she bargained them off to afford a spot in the homeless shelters. Then when she left Vince, she'd left all the clothes he'd bought her and escaped with only the jeans, shirt, and sweatshirt she'd put on before climbing out the bedroom window while Vince showered. The Network gave her a few more clothes and she found living with minimal things freeing. Nothing tied her down.
She dressed and put mascara on. Glad Tiff warned her about the ladies planning something for her last night staying at Red Light; she headed toward the kitchen. Her stomach already a ball of anxiety, she poked her head into the room first.
"Here she is," shouted Shana.
Ella turned around holding a cake. "I hope you like chocolate."
She smiled and nodded, walking to the table.
Marci leaned over and hugged her. "We're going to miss you."
"Thank you, and I'm sorry for leaving you shorthanded with three more weeks to go." Roni squeezed back. "I appreciate Tiff and everyone being so understanding."
"Tiff's the best." Marci winked. "We're happy for you."
"Did someone say my name?" Tiff walked into the kitchen holding Jeremy's hand. "Oh, look, cake."
Lynn held up a six-pack of bottled beer. "And, drinks. But, none for you baby momma."
"Let's have the pizza first." Ella sat the cake down in the middle of the table. "While we eat, Roni can fill us in on what she plans to do when she leaves us."
"I, uh..." Roni sat down. "I'm not sure."
"Girl, you better not be pimping yourself out to Carlson's Empire." Shana picked up her slice of pizza with both hands. "They hold you to a three-year contract, and the pay is three-fourths what we make through the Network. That's where I started out and let me tell you, the girls there are bitches. Every single one of them. They'll steal the customers and the tips from you every time you turn your back."
Roni finished chewing and swallowed. "I'm getting out of the business."
"What?" Ella wiped her face with a paper napkin. "Have you been holding out on us?"
"I knew she was putting on a shy act." Lynn glared. "Ain't no reason to leave the sex industry unless you have a man to go home with, uh huh."
"Ladies, ease up." Tiff handed Jeremy a plate piled with pizza slices and watched her man take the food out of the room. "I've had a lot of employees decide to leave before and after their contract was up. For all kinds of different reasons. Let's be happy for Roni and respect her privacy, please."
The women around the table quieted. Roni chewed her bite of pizza, unable to swallow the food through her constricting throat. The others were right. Sex workers stayed in the business until the customers started complaining about their age or looks. During the last year, she hadn't known anyone who left that she'd worked with at the different bordellos.
"I still think she has a guy we do
n't know about and even if she doesn't, she will. Regular men don't worry about how many blowjobs his woman has given. They only want to know your pussy doesn’t serve more quick meals than a Winky Dinky drive-thru." Lynn grinned.
Roni's groan joined the others. Her back relaxed. Despite the ladies' crude humor, she appreciated the ease at which they accepted her leaving.
"Okay, I can't wait any longer. I'm craving chocolate." Elle left the table and returned with a knife and a handful of forks. "Roni gets the first piece."
Shana passed Elle a paper plate. "What time are you leaving tomorrow?"
"Early." She took a bite of cake. "I'll probably be gone before everyone wakes up. We...I want to go while there's a break in the weather."
"You're not fooling me." Shana reached out her hand and squeezed Roni's wrist. "I'm terrible at goodbyes, so have a safe trip."
"Thank you." Roni turned at Elle's approach and accepted the woman's hug.
"Good luck with everything." Elle kissed Roni's cheek. "May all your dreams come true."
Lynn leaned over and hugged Roni, too. "Ditto what they all said."
"Thanks, Lynn." Roni smiled at everyone and caught Tiff holding out a plate wrapped in Saran wrap.
Roni stood and walked to the other side of the table. "Can I help you?"
"Nope." Tiff set the plate in Roni's hands. "Take your cake and this one too, in case you get hungry later. You should go to your room and rest. You've got an early morning."
Roni glanced down at the extra-large piece of cake. "I-okay."
"I'll be up in the morning to let you out of the building." Tiff leaned in and pressed her cheek against Roni's cheek. "You have a visitor," she whispered.
"Oh." Roni's cheeks warmed. "Okay. Thank you."
She rounded the table and at the door stopped. "Thanks for the farewell party, everyone."
The ladies waved and blew kisses. Her boost of adrenaline at seeing Dawson fueled her walk down the hallway, and she hurried to her door. Stacking her plate on top of the covered cake, she opened the door and slipped inside.
Dawson sat in the chair and raised his head when she entered. Her pulse raced, and her breath left her. Used to having him around and missing him the last two days, she caught herself wondering what he was doing or if he'd skipped town and changed his mind about taking her to Seattle.
