I knew I was basically ruining any kind of social life I had. I knew that eventually everyone would quit trying altogether, but I couldn’t deal with the possibility of telling anyone anything about what had happened. I couldn’t let myself get talked into going back to the frat house and then running into Jaxon. I just had to keep to my dorm, to my classes.
It was so frustrating; I started spending a little time with my roommates even though I didn’t want to have anything to do with what they were up to. I watched endless hours of Real Housewives or some other mindless show when I would have rather been watching a game with the guys in the frat house. I went to the mall and wandered behind them from store to store just to have something to do. I listened to the stupid bullshit that they wanted to talk about—guys they were going after, dresses and shoes they wanted to buy, the pop concerts they wanted to go to—and thought to myself that I couldn’t really understand why any guy would want to date them. I knew my roommates were popular with the guys at some of the other frats, and in some of the clubs, but I couldn’t see the appeal.
The only thing that I could do to get a break from it was hit the gym. I’d go late at night or early in the morning when only the most dedicated gym-rats were there; guys on different teams, doing off-season training or building on their training routines in their free time. I went in with my headphones on and didn’t take them off the entire time. At least, I thought, if any of the guys from the frat showed up while I was there, they’d likely be just as interested as I was in getting in, getting the workout done, and going back to the house without getting distracted. It wasn’t a huge risk.
Other than the gym, though, I was spending my hours either alone or with the stupid girls I lived with. Normally I could deal with them a few hours a week—they weren’t my favorite people, but they weren’t bad. Becka was actually pretty smart, but I had my fill of her Philosophy and Women’s Studies musings within the first day of sitting around with them. All I wanted to do was go to the Phi Kappa house and watch hockey or anything else—even a comedy show would have been a good break—but I couldn’t make myself go. I couldn’t risk running into Jaxon or finding myself telling someone in the frat all about what had happened. I had to just stick to myself and get through it as best as I could.
Whenever Mom called me—and she did, a couple of times—I had to pretend like everything was normal. Like nothing at all had happened. She chattered on and on about Bob and how good he was to her, and I pretended like I liked the guy in spite of everything he had said to Jaxon. I told her about classes and about hitting the gym and neither of us said anything at all about Jaxon. It turned my stomach, but I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I just had to get through it, move forward.
Chapter Three
The first week back from holidays was almost over when I got the email from the team list about practice; I’d been avoiding Jaxon the whole time, trying to do everything I could to get him out of my head. I didn’t want to have to give up snowboarding altogether, and it was just plain stupid to go out on my own. I’d competed before—I knew I was good, in spite of the bad boarding during the holiday. I shouldn’t have to completely change my life just because I’d had a shitty situation happen with Jaxon. I told myself that he’d encouraged me to join the team long before we’d even gotten close to getting involved physically. It was something I could do. It was the one thing that could probably keep me sane.
I replied with the confirmation that I would be there, in spite of the growing sense of dread that I felt every time I thought about it. I shouldn’t have to give up everything just because Jaxon was my stepbrother and we’d had sex; but I was starting to think that I would have to no matter how fair or unfair it was. After all, I’d have to be around Jaxon if I wanted to stay on the team. I’d have to deal with being around him. Could I do it?
I told myself that I could. After all, it wouldn’t just be Jaxon and me there together. It would be the whole team at practice—there’d be a ton more people. Jaxon and I were only really dangerous when we were alone together. It wasn’t as though we’d end up jumping each other in the middle of the practice facility and screwing mindlessly. We would both be focused on getting better, on nailing tricks and watching everyone else on the team work on theirs. I had loved snowboarding ever since I first started doing it when I was a teenager.
And on top of that, I thought as I walked back from class to the dorm, it would be good. I had been avoiding Jaxon ever since the last time we’d had sex. I couldn’t realistically avoid him forever—even if I could avoid him at school, I’d probably have to deal with being around him at home during break, in much closer quarters. I had to learn how to deal with being around him. I had to get over things, and it obviously wasn’t working to try and avoid everything to do with him. If I could just be around him with other people who didn’t have any idea about what had happened, I could probably move forward and get over the situation faster. At least, that’s what I told myself, over and over again.
I made myself focus on getting ready for practice. I’d had a rough time on the slopes the last time I’d gone out, so the few days before practice was scheduled, I hit the gym and focused entirely on routines that trainers had taught me for improving my balance, control, and form. I was not going to humiliate myself in front of people by being just as bad as I had been the last time I’d hit the slopes. Focusing on getting better, on making myself go through the jumps, the bends, the stretches and the strengthening in my core, made it easier not to think about Jaxon at all. I caught some of the people from the team in the gym—they were doing the same kinds of exercises as I was, and we managed to grin at each other, though we mostly left each other alone.
I hit the showers after the gym session and, in spite of all my confident words to myself about how I was going to just forget about Jaxon and focus on my boarding, I found myself fantasizing while the hot water rained down on me. I couldn’t make myself forget how good Jaxon had felt inside of me, of how he had gotten me off so hard that I’d seen stars. I closed my eyes and my hands wandered over my body; I couldn’t quite tease my nipples the way that Jaxon had every time we’d been together, but it was close, and I could remember it so well. I thought about what it would have been like if Jaxon and I had somehow managed to find a spare moment to be alone the last time we’d both hit the slopes, as part of Mom and Bob’s stupid “family day” idea. If we’d slipped into the lodge or if we could have managed to get alone out on the slope. I felt myself get more and more turned on while my hands wandered down towards my pussy, remembering Jaxon’s touch on my clit, the way he went down on me. So many guys went down on a girl like it was nothing more than a ticket to getting what they wanted; Jaxon at least seemed as if he liked getting me off just on its own, like he would have done it even if I didn’t screw him afterward.
In the middle of rubbing and stroking myself in the shower, the water started to cool—and I realized exactly what I was doing. It had sneaked up on me completely. I had been working so hard to not think about Jaxon that I hadn’t even been paying attention, so tired from the workout that my brain had gone on. I shook myself and finished the shower as fast as I could, not letting my hands stray or linger anywhere interesting while I rinsed the soap off of my body and grabbed my towel. I would just have to do my best to completely ignore Jaxon at practice the next day. It was the only thing I could do. And maybe it would be easier to forget about him after that.
***
When it came time to head out to the practice facility, I felt on edge—but determined. I was going to get through it, and then everything would fall into place. I didn’t have to pay any attention to Jaxon; he had managed to completely ignore me after we’d had sex the first time and before I found out he was my stepbrother, after all. If he could do it, then I could do it. I would just focus on my own practice and working on my own tricks, and pretend that Jaxon didn’t even exist.
I drove myself to the practice spot; normally we car-pooled
, since parking was scarce, but I hadn’t been keeping in touch with anyone on the team at all apart from confirming that I would be at practice. I unloaded my gear from the back of my car and walked into the huge practice area—half the team was already there, warming up, doing stretches. I decided that it wouldn’t do be any good to continue being on the team if I was just going to ignore everyone else—they’d kick me off for not getting along just as easily as they would for sucking. So I chatted up the senior girls on the team, the ones who’d been helping me the most on my tricks and technique before the holiday. I found out that Jess had pulled a muscle out partying with friends the night after Thanksgiving—and we joked about her clumsiness. “Yeah well, I’m good on a board, just not anywhere else,” Jess said, grinning.
To be fair, I told them about the horrible time I’d had going down the slopes over break; I didn’t tell them that I’d been with Jaxon, just that it was a family visit and I’d been trying to master some of the tricks I knew would come in handy once competition season really got started—and that I’d eaten more snow than I cared to in the process. Everyone was laughing as I described the epic failure of all my tricks, how often I’d body-slammed the slopes, or landed on my ass, or ended up face-planting or missing the landing to an aerial. We all started sharing “war stories” about tricks gone wrong, laughing it up, and all of my tension at the thought of having to deal with being around Jaxon started to go away. It was nice—it was good to stop thinking about him for a while.
As soon as the squad I was on was warmed up, we hit the slopes, doing runs. I remembered that it had been a while since I’d gone down the practice slope—I was used to real snow after the holiday—so I took it easy for a few runs, testing out my reflexes, getting a feel for the material under my board; how slick it was, how fast and where there was drag. It was the closest thing to regular snow that they could come up with, but it still wasn’t exactly the same. “You know,” I said at one point to a member of my squad, “they really need to make it more cost-effective to actually build snow slopes.” Everyone agreed—it would be awesome to get real snow experience while we were practicing. I started to do a few flashier tricks, building on what little practice I’d been able to get while I was on Thanksgiving break; as I did, though, Jaxon’s advice to me kept popping up in my head. I’d hear his voice in my mind, telling me how to twist out of a bad trajectory, or how to smooth out a landing that had already gone bad without falling.
I managed to make it about halfway through the practice session before Jaxon caught my eye. My squad was taking a break, sitting on the sidelines to catch our breath before we worked on balance and cross-coordination with one of the trainers at the facility. Jaxon’s squad, all upperclassmen guys, took to the practice slope. I tried not to watch. I tried to just pretend like it was anyone at all—but I had to admit to myself that Jaxon looked good in his gear. He looked even better busting out grabs and aerials. No matter how screwed up the situation between us was, I couldn’t deny that he was an awesome boarder. I knew from watching him before and from seeing him on the slopes that he was focused, dedicated, that he worked for hours on a trick without even caring if he injured himself. “Every injury is a lesson,” he’d told me before we’d gone our separate ways. “If you’re going to break your arm or your leg, you might as well learn something from it.” I knew he’d broken half the bones in his body in the different sports he did—mostly in snowboarding. He’d broken both of his clavicles, an arm, one of his legs—even the bones in his hands and feet.
But watching him go through his runs, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him—and neither could most of the other girls on my squad. I tried not to blush as I heard what they were saying about him; how hot he was, how much fun he’d be in the sack. You guys don’t even know, I thought to myself. They had no idea just how good he was in bed—but I did.
While I watched him go through his practice runs, I realized that I wasn’t even paying attention to anything around me. Everyone might as well have been speaking Mandarin for all that I heard them—and the worst part was that I was feeling more and more attracted to him by the minute. It hit me all at once, and my heart started beating faster. Even when we moved over to work with the trainers, I couldn’t keep myself from watching Jaxon; he was that good. I started to shake all over, sweat breaking out on my skin that had nothing to do with exercise. I couldn’t take it. I had to get out of there. Obviously it had all been a huge mistake; I wasn’t ready to deal with him, I couldn’t ignore him, I couldn’t even be around Jaxon in a crowd without getting all hot and bothered thinking about and watching him. I swallowed against the tight feeling in my throat, the dryness in my mouth.
“Hey, guys, I think I must have actually hurt myself over the holiday, planting my face in the mountain,” I said, trying to sound less nervous than I was. “I think I’m just going to head back to the dorms and put some icy hot on my quads and hams—they’re killing me.” I was paranoid that someone might realize what was going on, that everything would come tumbling out of me: the fact that I’d had sex with Jaxon, that we were step-siblings, the whole stupid, ugly, disgusting mess. But everyone was sympathetic. Someone told me to make sure to pop a couple of Aleve, someone else recommended catching a yoga class once the pain went away, everyone told me they’d make sure to let me know about the next practice session, and in the meantime I should take it easy. I got out of there as fast as I could, making myself look straight ahead, pushing back the temptation to look over my shoulder and watch Jaxon doing his thing on the practice slopes. That was the last thing I needed to do, when my hormones were raging and my whole body was buzzing for him. I needed a cold shower and a long study session to get my mind off of everything else.
Chapter Four
The entire drive back to the dorms I was cussing out loud, slamming my head against the seat back in my car, my hands against the steering wheel. I hated myself for pushing a bad situation too far. I hated the fact that, in spite of telling Jaxon I couldn’t deal with having anything to do with him, I still found myself wanting him. I had worked so hard to try and get over him—I’d completely deprived myself of being around my best friends because they belonged to the same frat as him! I didn’t even really have a social life anymore, all because I was trying so hard to avoid him and get over him. And then all it took was maybe a half hour and I was thinking about him again, staring at him, remembering how good it had been to have sex with him.
By the time I got back to the dorms, at least, I had it out of my system. My throat was a little raw from screaming, and my head was aching—along with my hands—but I wasn’t going to be walking to the dorms looking like some weepy girl who’d just gotten broken up with. I took a deep breath and promised myself a long shower—maybe hot instead of cold, to work out the pain I felt throbbing in my muscles—and maybe a beer stolen from the communal fridge in the common area of the room. It could be worse, I kept telling myself. I could have been just as distracted in the practice facility as I’d been on the slopes the last time I’d gone out with Jaxon, Bob and Mom. I could have humiliated myself by bursting into tears in front of everyone. I could have told the whole damned team about what had happened between Jaxon and me. Instead I’d made my excuses and left, and hopefully by the time the next practice rolled around, I would be okay enough to stick through the whole thing without getting distracted.
I was still psyching myself up when I got to my dorm room door; I was ripped out of my thoughts at the sound of someone saying my name. “Yo, Mia!” I looked up from my gear, my heart pounding—for just a second I thought it might have been Jaxon, that he might have taken a short cut. Instead, it was Jeremy, the guy who’d been my entry into the frat, who’d introduced me to everyone in the first place. I tried not to be obvious as I sighed in relief.
“Hey,” I said, smiling at him. “I’m just getting back from practice—had to leave early, my legs are just not up to it today.” Jeremy’s face was serious—almost worried—and he looked
me up and down.
“Can I help you with your gear, or are you too tough for that?” he grinned and I handed over the strap on my duffel. I dug my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door to let us both in. For just a moment, I almost wished that it had been Jeremy I’d gotten attracted to instead of Jaxon; Jeremy was pretty easy on the eyes, he was on the baseball team, and he’d been my closest friend in the frat ever since we’d played a game of basketball together before I’d even heard of Phi Kappa. He was even single—I’d seen him date a few girls but never anything serious.
“What brings you over to my neck of the woods?” I asked, sitting down in the empty common room. Suddenly I was nervous all over again; had Jaxon told Jeremy about what had happened? They didn’t seem to be that close—but it was hard to tell in the frat. Guys talked amongst themselves in stupid little cliques that didn’t make any real sense to me, and maybe Jaxon had just let everything out after a night of drinking.
“Kinda getting worried about you, Mi-mi,” Jeremy admitted, sitting down in the ugly-but-comfortable chair a few feet away. “You missed out on a total blow-out the other night; that’s not like you.” I shrugged.
“Well, you know, just trying to get my grades in order—I slacked off big time before the holiday.” Jeremy looked at me levelly.
“Bullshit. You’re smart, and I know you wouldn’t have let your grades fall in the first place.” I bit my bottom lip. Jeremy knew me well enough by now to know when I was lying. We weren’t quite as close as the guys in the frat were to each other, but we’d talked enough times—and I’d given him enough advice—for him to know that I was avoiding the frat house.
Stepbrother JEEZ! (The Stepbrother Romance Series - Book #4) Page 2
