When I’d first arrived, I’d seen glimpses of his tattoos from afar. They pretty much covered his shoulders, his biceps, and moved across his chest. From afar, they were impressive, but now that I could see them up close, I realized how beautiful they were. He had scenes from under the water, scenes from space, and words etched into the waves talking about the beauty of life. I never thought of him as someone that deep, but it was a nice change of pace. I wish I could say, though, that the tattoos were the only things I was admiring. To be honest, the chest they were covering was a work of art in itself. It was obvious he took good care of his body.
He had a home gym, but he also had a gym membership, and I was used to him leaving for the gym in shorts and a T-shirt and coming back showered and clothed. I was not used to him walking into the kitchen, half dressed, his body absolutely amazing, and his muscles glimmering under the sweat. I wanted to rub my hands all over him. My mind was racing, thinking about him sitting behind me at the table. I was so distracted, I picked up the salt instead of the sugar and nearly poured it into the cake batter.
“Damn it,” I said, jumping back and spilling salt everywhere.
“You okay?” he asked from behind me.
“Yeah,” I sighed, cleaning up the mess.
“So, why are you baking at one in the morning?” he asked. “I thought I was the only one who did weird things in the middle of the night.”
“Whenever I couldn’t sleep at my parent’s house, I would go into the kitchen and bake something,” I said. “My father was a huge fan of my insomnia since it meant he would wake up to something sweet and delicious waiting on the counter. I couldn’t sleep for some reason. I have to keep my mind busy, or I’ll drive myself crazy lying there staring up at the ceiling wishing for the sheep to count. How about you? Why are you working out at one in the morning?”
“Same,” he said. “I couldn’t sleep. Actually, I was having some seriously crazy dreams.”
“You have no idea,” I said under my breath.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Oh, just that I was having crazy dreams too.” I smiled. “I kept falling asleep and waking up, falling asleep and waking up over and over again. It was frustrating.”
I finished mixing the cake batter and pulled out the two pans I’d already greased. Carefully, I split the batter between the two pans and then put them into the oven. I closed the oven and wiped my hands off before sitting down across from him at the table. I was struggling to concentrate on anything other than how hot he was. I had to force myself to look into his eyes to avoid staring at his chest. The problem was that his eyes were absolutely gorgeous as well. I could totally see myself staring deeply into them while I let him ravage my body. I cleared my throat, trying to shake the thoughts, and looked up at him with a grin. I was glad he couldn’t read my mind.
He leaned back in his chair, looking relaxed. For the first time since I had gotten there, he looked happy. Normally, he walked around with that grumpy grimace on his face, saying not much more than he had to. Not now, though. Right now, he looked like someone who was actually enjoying his life.
“So how’s everything going with Cooper?” he asked. “You guys seem to get along great.”
“You know, it was one of the things I worried most about before coming here,” I replied. “But I’ll be honest, it was so easy for us. I don’t know why. Maybe he needed a break from the things that happened, you know, someone to break the silence.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” he sighed. “It’s been really hard on him since his mom died. The house has been different, his routine has been different, and of course, he misses her a lot. They were close, and she stayed home to take care of him, so she was a daily, hourly, whatever, presence in his life.”
I wanted to bring him up, but before I could, the bell rang, letting me know the cakes were done. I pulled them from the oven and sat them out, letting them cool for a few minutes before putting them on the cooling racks. I brought them and the big bowl of icing to the table and sat back down. I had to wait for them to cool off first. As I waited, my mind went to what Cooper and Blake had been through.
“I’m sorry you guys went through so much,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said, looking down. “I think right now all I want to do is move on with my life. There’s no coming to terms with it. It’s a messed-up situation. All we can do now is move forward and try to get our lives into working order.”
“I agree,” I said, glopping icing on one of the cakes. “Did you know your son is one hell of a cook?”
“Cooper?” he said, pulling his eyebrows together. “Really?”
“Yeah, man.” I laughed. “He has all kind of ideas and really gets into it.”
“Huh,” he said. “I didn’t even know he was interested in cooking.”
Without thinking, it flowed from my mouth like word vomit. Normally, I was a pro at thinking before I spoke, but tonight, I didn’t seem to have a filter. Cooper had been on my mind, and his relationship with his dad was less than it should have been, but that didn’t necessarily mean I should have said it out loud.
“Maybe you should spend some more time with him,” I said. “Get to know your son better.”
As soon as I said the words, I froze, slowly looking up from the cake. Obviously, that was the wrong thing to say, and it was written all over his face. He put his bottle of water down and stood up without another word. I watched as he marched out of the room, upset. I knew I should call after him to apologize or something, but I didn’t. I wasn’t wrong in what I said. He needed to get to know his son, let his son know he loved him still. The whole situation was hard on everyone involved, and I was walking into the aftermath, but as the person who now spent the most time with Cooper, I could see it was becoming more and more important to get him and his father into a better position.
I finished up frosting the cake and wrote Cooper’s name on it, thinking the attention would hopefully make him smile in the morning. When I was done, I cleaned up the kitchen, put the cake on the stand, and headed back up to my room. Blake’s door was shut, but his light was still on, and for a moment, I considered knocking on his door. However, the fear of losing my job or getting a stern talking to changed my mind. I shrugged and sighed, figuring he would either come around or he wouldn’t, but if it meant there was a chance he would become more involved in Cooper’s life, then maybe it was worth it. Sometimes, the truth was hard to hear.
13
Blake
I barely slept a wink Saturday night, tossing and turning, getting up, pacing, moving around, thinking over and over again about what Aly had said to me. She told me I didn’t know my son, and it wasn’t only what she’d said that had me on fire. She’d said it so matter-of-factly, she might as well have told me what we were having for dinner the next night. When the words first came out of her mouth, I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say, but as they sank into my brain, I became angry. I knew walking away like that didn’t solve anything, but to be honest, I didn’t know what to say to that statement. If I had talked, I would have gone off on her, belittling her or making it seem like her time with my son wasn’t valid.
She had come in and, in one night, changed the way my son was acting. There was no way I could be upset with that, but what was she seeing about our relationship in that short amount of time that led her to believe I didn’t know Cooper? Had he said something to her, or was it so obvious in the way we interacted that someone who didn’t know us at all was able to pick up on it that fast? I was starting to second-guess myself and the time I’d put in as a father.
I had tried, hadn’t I? When Cooper was younger, the three of us were a really close-knit family. We did everything together and went out of our way to show Cooper what it was like to grow up in a loving family unit. However, once the business was up and running, I was working non-stop, and he spent most of his time with his mom. When she died, I’d pushed everyone away, Cooper included. I wasn’t sure how t
o be a person anymore, much less a father. It was something I needed to work on, that was for sure, but I still didn’t know how to take that criticism without getting angry. I guess it was only natural to feel that way because I loved my son.
I sat up in the bed and let out a deep breath, pulling myself upright and rubbing my eyes. I was exhausted, not only physically, but I was exhausted from thinking about everything all night. I needed to clear my head, but at the same time, I couldn’t keep running away from this issue. It was like Aly told me something I already knew but didn’t want to admit to myself. At the same time, though, Inez had been saying it to me forever, just not in such a direct manner. There had been several occasions when she tried to sit and talk to me, tried pulling me from the deep hole I was in, but I didn’t listen.
Every time I got that low, it was hard to feel like I was even the right person to be there for Cooper. He needed an Aly a long time ago, and it seemed I needed an Aly, too, in order to make the obvious known to me. It pissed me off that this was how it was going to go down, an almost stranger letting me know I wasn’t up to par at being a father. There was no way I was going to let that pass. Whether I was mad about the way it was presented or not, I was going to start trying to make things right with my son. The last year, I’d left him alone to deal with the death of his mother when we could have been facing the storm head-on, hand in hand, like a father and son should do. Fear and anger had driven me, and I found myself unable to step forward until now.
I got out of bed and threw on some clothes. There was no reason to prolong things. Time with Cooper was invaluable, and I needed to start being a part of his life before he no longer wanted me in it. I walked out of my bedroom and passed Aly’s open door, noting that she wasn’t inside. I ended up finding her in the kitchen, making some coffee and getting ready for yet another day. When I walked in, she jumped slightly, putting her hand to her chest.
“You scared me,” she said timidly. “I didn’t hear you come down the steps.”
“Sorry about that,” I said. “Look, I want you to go ahead and take the day off. I’m going to take Cooper out for the day.”
“Yay,” Cooper cheered from his seat at the table.
“All right,” she said, searching my face. “You two have fun.”
Cooper ran to the front door and threw on his shoes, ready to leave the house. We jumped into the SUV and headed out to breakfast so he could get some pancakes and I could drown myself in coffee. After I was done with my first cup, I looked across the table at Cooper eating.
“Are they good?” I laughed.
“Really good,” he said. “Thanks for bringing me to breakfast.”
“Sure.” I smiled. “I was thinking we could go over to the Discovery Museum when we’re done with this. They have a space event going on there today and apparently some cool IMAX movies playing.”
“That sounds great,” he said, getting oddly quiet.
“What is it, bud?” I asked. “We don’t have to go there if there’s another museum you’d like to visit. I just remember your mother telling me you liked places like that.”
“I do,” he said. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I asked.
“You don’t really like stuff like that do you?” Cooper asked, hanging his head lower. “I tried to be good at sports, but I’m terrible at it. I know that’s what you like to do.”
I sucked in a breath as though he words were a physical slap to the face. It was time I had a serious talk with my son. “Buddy,” I said, feeling about an inch tall. “You think I don’t hang out with you because you don’t play sports? Man, I’m so sorry, Cooper. I never wanted you to think something like that. Listen, when your mom died, it was really hard. You know that, and well, it was really hard for me too. I messed up, though, and instead of coming to you, grieving with you, I pushed a lot of things in my life to the side. I know it all doesn’t make sense to you, and it shouldn’t. You’re only eight years old. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do as a father. I didn’t protect you from the hurt.”
“How could you?” he asked.
“That’s a good question,” I said. “I couldn’t have, I guess, but I could have made this whole situation a lot less traumatic if I was there to hold your hand and walk through it with you.”
“I know,” he said, lowering his head. “But you were so sad too.”
“That isn’t an excuse,” I said. “I should have been there. But here’s the thing. I can’t go back and erase the mistakes I made. What I can do is make sure we don’t lose out on any more time with each other. I can promise you I’ll do my best to be a better dad to you, to be involved in your life and the things that interest you. I want to know what’s going on with you, you know? I want you to feel like you can always come to me, and I think it’s important as we heal from losing your mom.”
“I’d like that, Dad,” he said in a tone that was way beyond his years..
“Good,” I said, smiling. “Now eat up. We need to get to the museum.”
“Yessss!” Cooper smiled.
I watched my son as he ate and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. To think that the most precious person in the world had thought I didn’t want to be around him was painful. And I had no one to blame but myself. I mentally kicked myself for what I’d done or failed to do for him over the past year and vowed to set it right.
Cooper finished his breakfast, and we headed out to Discovery. We laughed, we talked, and we had a great time being together. I missed that part of life, the part that gave me freedom to be the kind of father I knew I could be. Cooper was so smart and didn’t act like any typical eight-year-old I’d ever met. I guess in some ways, he had to grow up fast and that was part of why it was so important I start stepping back into his life. I needed to eventually talk to him about how he was doing with his mother’s death, but today, I wanted us to enjoy our time together.
We watched two IMAX movies together back to back before calling it a day. When we walked out of the theatre, Cooper stretched his arms over his head and smiled big. It felt good to know he was having fun with me.
“So, I have an idea,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“Aly’s been working hard, taking care of us,” he said. “I think we should take dinner home to her.”
“I think you’re right,’ I said, putting my arm over his shoulder. “I think she deserves more than that, but let’s start with dinner. What kind of takeout?”
“She loves Italian, so let’s get Piper’s,” he said excitedly.
“Perfect,” I replied.
We picked up a bunch of food from the Italian restaurant and headed back home. When we got there, Aly was in the kitchen grabbing a drink. Cooper ran straight in and hugged her tightly.
“Oh.” She laughed. “You look like you had a good time.”
“We did,” Cooper replied excitedly. “And we brought home dinner for all of us. Italian.”
“You did?” She smiled. “Well, that’s awesome.”
“I thought maybe we could eat and watch Harry Potter,” I said with a smile.
“I like that idea,” she replied, nodding at me in understanding.
We unpacked the food, fixed our plates, and headed out to the living room to watch the movie. It was Cooper’s favorite, and he decided he wanted to start with the first one, and every time we had a movie night, we would move on to the next. At the beginning, we all sat around eating, staring happily at the screen. When we finished our food, I got up and took all the dishes to the kitchen. I walked back out to the living room and stopped for a minute, staring at Cooper sitting close to Aly, talking about the movie.
Everything was so comfortable, so homey and family-like. My first instinct was to go with what was familiar, but as I slowly sat down at the other end of the couch, I started to feel uncomfortable with it. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying myself, but there was something about Aly in the picture that felt so right. In fact, it felt so rig
ht that it was suffocating me. I was terrified to have those feelings again, to feel safe and comfortable in a situation like that. It wasn’t supposed to be that way with her. She was supposed to just be the nanny.
After several minutes, the heaviness of it was too much, so I carefully got up and walked around the couch, trying not to have Cooper notice. I was successful in that, but as I walked toward my office trying to catch my breath, Aly looked back at me from across the room, the deep blue of her eyes looking sad that I was leaving. I couldn’t tell if that sadness was for her or for Cooper, but I wasn’t ready to explain yet.
14
Aly
It was Wednesday, three days after we’d watched Harry Potter and had a good evening together. Since then, though, Blake had turned back to his quiet, brooding self. He hadn’t communicated with me very much at all. Our only conversations were Cooper related. It was like all the progress made that day had been washed away, and I had no idea why. I regretted putting my foot in my mouth about Cooper, but he was an amazing kid with a dad who didn’t seem to know how to get out of his own head. Whether it affected their relationship or not, something had to be said to him. Everything seemed to be going great to that effect on Sunday until we all sat down to watch the movie together. It was comfortable and easy, and I was pretty sure that was what scared him off.
I had seen him getting up and escaping to the silence of his office, and though Cooper didn’t notice, probably because it was old hat to him, I did. I noticed the look of confusion in his eyes. I felt like I was the reason he didn’t finish out what seemed to be a perfect day between the two of them. He’d run off like a scared puppy, and ever since then, it had been nothing but radio silence between us.
It was driving me absolutely insane, and his stubbornness was the worst of it all. He had been almost going out of his way to work late again, not coming home until well after midnight. I had made it a point to stay up and make sure he came home every night because I wanted to make sure he was safe. On top of that, I didn’t want another false intruder situation leaving me standing in the kitchen in my underwear. Cooper seemed to be slipping back into silence too, starting to notice his father’s regression, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. I had to be there for Cooper and wait it out, hoping Blake came back around. Today, I woke up to fix breakfast and noticed Blake was still there, shut up in his room.
Men in Charge: A Contemporary Romance Box Set Page 7
