by Betsy Anne
"My name is Jason. Jason Weber."
"Hi. Katie Barnett"
"I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night at the party. Colleen told me that you thought I was rude. I guess I was. I didn’t mean to come across that way. You caught me off guard,” he says, while inspecting the table.
I remain so still I can barely tell if my heart is still beating. I’m confused. What’s he trying to tell me?
"What? What does that mean?"
I say that much louder than I intended. Obviously, I had noticed something. He’s visibly uncomfortable after my outburst.
“I don’t know how to say this without sounding crazy, but you took me by surprise. At least my reaction to you did. I feel compelled to get to know you."
Yeah, right. I hear that one everyday from gorgeous hunks.
"Look, I understand that I'm new to this school, so if someone put you up to a prank, I get it. You’re free, you can tell them that it worked and have a good laugh."
He looks hurt. This can’t be happening. Does he really feel that way? It’s not possible. He's the most beautiful guy in the entire school, even the teachers check him out. My reaction to him was understandable. His to me? No.
"Well, I'm sorry I disturbed you. Nice to meet you, Katie."
With that, he stands up and walks back up the path. I stare dumbfounded at his back as he walks away. He doesn't return to the cafeteria to be with his friends, he heads in the opposite direction. Am I awake? Was that a dream? He seemed sincere. More than sincere, he seemed…compelled, just like he said. Like a force stronger than himself physically forced him to come and talk to me. Now I feel even more alone than I did before he sat down. Like Earth tilted just a bit, and everyone but me flew off. His eyes looked so deeply into mine. I've never known a feeling like that before. I feel exposed.
The bell rings loudly and jolts me out of my trancelike state. I don’t know if I can get my brain to make my legs work. He was only with me for a couple of minutes, which means I’ve been daydreaming for half an hour. I have to shake loose the euphoria surrounding me to stand and walk to my next class. I feel a little off. I'm bumping into people in the halls, and I know my body is in the chair in class, but I can't seem to process anything being said. Like I’m an alien floating around above who doesn't speak the language.
Thankfully, the day is almost over. Crap! I have P.E. next. I don't know what we're doing in class today, but I saw him during this class on Friday. It's possible I might melt if I see him. Colleen comes bounding up to me.
"Hey! Where were you at lunch? I looked all over for you. Kevin saw that I was alone and came and sat next to me. We talked the entire time; I didn't even eat! He is so sweet. He asked me out for Saturday. Well, kind of. There’s a bonfire that some kids are having at the lake, and he asked if I was going. You have to come with me."
Before I can respond, the P.E. teacher blows her whistle and tells the class to get dressed and meet in the gym. We're doing basketball today. Thankfully, that means no more accidental meetings outside on the field with Jason. I don’t know how much my poor heart can take in one day.
The following week goes by achingly slowly. No sign of Jason at all. I’ve been replaying our meeting in my head, wishing he would give me another chance to not make a jerk of myself. Trying to avoid running into him in the cafeteria, I keep to my routine of eating outside. The weather is cooperating for this time of year, so that’s a good excuse.
Colleen has been mooning over Kevin every chance she gets. Lunchtime is their time together. The football game on Friday is away, and Colleen's parents are going out so she’s watching her brothers. I opt to stay home and read instead, but in exchange I agree to go to the lake with her on Saturday. Kevin is meeting her there with his friends. I’m hoping this may be a second chance with Jason.
* * *
Even though I’m petite, I can still work some curves if the jeans are tight enough. Mine are so snug, I have to lie down on the bed to zip them. I put my hair back into a thick ponytail, knowing that around the lake it will frizz like crazy. I throw on a light blue Polo sweater and boots. I know it’ll be cold and windy so I grab my jacket as well. A little mascara and lip gloss, courtesy of Colleen, and I’m ready. My mom agrees to drive us - she’s fallen in love with Colleen - but the real reason she’s so eager is to get a chance to check out our other friends.
She drops us at the public beach entrance to Lake Michigan. The sun is going down, and we see a small group of kids on the beach. One of the girls calls out Colleen’s name, and she grabs my hand to amble down to where they’re sitting. Kevin is already here with two friends that I recognize from the party. Jason is nowhere to be seen. Even though I know she wants to go hangout with him, Colleen proves a good friend and stays by my side. She introduces me to the other girl, who then introduces us to two more. They all seem nice. I give her a little nudge to let her know it’s OK for her to go and sit by Kevin. She takes the cue instantly, and smiles a huge smile as she walks - no struts - over to him. She makes me laugh.
He and his friends are trying to get the fire started before the sun goes down, and they’re having trouble. They’re all laughing, and he can't seem to take his eyes off of Colleen. I’m sitting with the other girls on a large tartan blanket. One of the girls, I think her name is Missy, is surveying the slowly growing crowd around the pit.
"Do you think he's coming tonight?"
Her friend rolls her eyes.
"I don’t know! You need to give that one up. He doesn’t date. Mr. Football doesn’t waste his time, and if he did, it would be with me!"
They both start laughing. I have a sinking feeling I know who they’re talking about. As his image pops into my head, Missy squeals.
"Oh my God, he's here!”
My stomach drops like I’m parachuting down from the moon. I feel his presence again. He’s walking with another guy from farther down the beach. The sun has disappeared into the sky already, making it difficult to see anything from a distance. His height is a dead giveaway. He stops when he reaches the fire pit, which they’ve finally set ablaze. I like that I can watch him from over here without fear of being noticed. Our blanket is a few feet behind the fire, and we’re shielded by the glow of the large flames. He waves to Kevin, and then sees Colleen. As soon as he sees her, I notice his head jerk up and look around like he’s searching for something. Me? Ha. I sound just like those other girls, fawning over him and pretending like he’s in my reach. He’s already apologized; maybe he’s just trying to avoid me. Again.
I see him ask Kevin a question, and he points over to the blanket. I feel like I’ll pass out on the spot. What should I say? He approaches the blanket, and I realize he’s headed for the cooler of beer and soda next to us. Missy is the first to speak up.
"Hi, Jason!"
He looks our way, and I can tell he’s having difficulty seeing in the dark.
"Hi. Sorry I can’t see you, hang on."
He turns and heads in our direction. The other two girls squeal again, barf, as he approaches us. I turn ever so slightly to put my back between us. Maybe he won’t notice me, and leave.
"Oh, hi, Missy. Good to see you."
He is so polite. She squeaks out another “hi” with a dry mouth. I, on the other hand, can't try any harder to make myself turn into a crab and dig a home right here in the sand. He turns to head back to the fire. Whew. Just when I think I’m safe, I hear him say quietly, "Bye, Katie." The girls stop what they’re doing and stare at me like I’ve sprouted horns.
I say, “excuse me," and stand up. I have no place to disappear. I go to the cooler and pull out a Coke. I am so grateful I brought my jacket; the temperature is really beginning to drop. I’m stuck. I don’t want to go to the fire where he is, and don't want to stay with the other girls and handle the inquisition. I head down the beach for a walk; it’s my only option.
The air is crisp and the fire smells good. My mom isn’t picking us up for another two hours yet. Ma
ybe I can have Kevin drive Colleen home, and I can find a place to call my mom. She'll give me the third degree about why I would want to leave early. I can handle her, but the humiliation of going back to the fire and facing him is far more difficult.
I've never been to this area of the beach before, and realize it’s going to be tough to find a pay phone. I resolve to keep my distance until it’s time to leave. I turn to walk my fourth stretch of beach, and I see someone approaching me. I’m nervous when I catch a glimpse of the fire way down the beach, and see just how far away I’ve meandered. As if on cue, I hear a deep voice.
"Hi, Katie. I was worried about you, I thought you may have gotten lost."
It’s Jason. My insides jump from scared to melting all at once. How can I pull off calm indifference?
"Oh, hi. I didn’t realize just how far down I had walked. Is Colleen ready to leave? Did she send you to find me?"
He closes the dark space between us, and I can see his face. It’s dark out, but his features seem to light up in front of me.
"No, she didn’t. I noticed that you hadn’t come over to the fire, and when I went looking, Missy said that you had gone this way a while ago. I kept hoping that you would come and sit so we could talk."
What?
“Oh, I'm sorry. I just feel, um, a little embarrassed by the way I behaved the last time I saw you."
Massive understatement.
"Where have you been all week? I haven't seen you around," I ask with a masked coolness I in no way feel.
"I drove to school this week, and I've been busy. I've been in the library during most of my free time. Just trying to get ahead of things."
He whispers that sentence like he’s thinking about something else entirely, but that’s what came out instead. We stand planted in our respective spots for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say next. I feel his eyes dare to look down and we catch each other in our gazes. It’s so dark, but the distant glow of the fire is enough. I’m transfixed. He slowly steps a few inches closer without breaking our bond. I hear him breathing: It’s shallow and rapid and I know it isn’t from the walk down the beach. I’m breathing just as erratically, and my heart is racing. My cheeks are burning with heat, and I’m so glad he can’t see me blushing. What’s happening?
He closes in on me the slightest bit, until his face is looking straight down at me. God I wish I were taller. In an instant, he squats down and wraps both arms around my legs and hoists me up so that I’m face to face with him. He’s panting now, and so am I. His eyes search for something to give him a sign that this is OK. My lips let out a slight involuntary moan, and that’s all he needs. He kisses me, hard. His lips are all over mine begging to release and explore the kiss with him. I eagerly return his ravenous kiss with matched desire. He slowly lowers both of us down, so now I’m standing and he’s kneeling in front of me.
Our lips never break apart. He locates my hair tie around my ponytail, and loosens it gently. The wind is whipping my hair around his face and he moans. Both of his hands are softly kneading my head and stroking my hair. They move to cup my face in the sweetest gesture. We aren't moving like two fumbling teenagers, but more like two lovers in a movie who reunite after years apart.
I lower myself to straddle his legs and push him down to a seating position. The muffled moans and grunts that are coming from our busy mouths are an odd sound in the quiet darkness. My skin buzzes wherever he touches me. He treats my body with reverence, like he’s trying not to break me. He keeps his hands in my hair, on my face, and on my back, never allowing them to travel anywhere else. A piercing scream breaks our connection. We both jerk our heads toward the sound, which is coming from the direction of the fire. From what I can tell, Kevin has tried to throw Colleen into the freezing lake. She’s up on his shoulders, laughing and screaming, and loving every minute of it.
This moment gives us a chance to calm ourselves and come down from our high. Whoa. My heart is racing; I can’t seem to get it to slow down. I see a bead of sweat on his forehead.
"I'm sorry,” he whispers.
No! Please don’t be sorry! I’m screaming in my head. On the outside I say calmly, "What for?"
"For losing control like that. I don’t know what came over me. I've never felt like that before. I thought that if I didn't kiss you, I would go crazy. I've been feeling that way since the first time I laid eyes on you. I guess it was built up.
What? Since the first time he saw me? When?
"Oh."
Really? That’s all I can spit out? He seems worried at my lack of response. I think he’s assuming I must be offended. He puts his head down, as if he’s ashamed. I know I have to get my voice back.
"It's OK, trust me. I was just caught by surprise, and now I'm even more surprised by your admission."
Get it out, Katie.
"When did you first feel like you wanted to kiss me?"
He seems hesitant to say, but I keep my eyes on him, hoping he’ll feel comfortable enough to let me in on it.
"I'm embarrassed to admit it: The first time I saw you, on your first day of school, last Friday."
Oh yeah, in the cafeteria, when I was trying not to be obvious that I was staring.
"You were outside the cafeteria looking around. Something pulled me to look out the window, and I saw you. Your eyes are so beautiful, and your face. But there was something more. I don't know what exactly, and that’s why I've been acting so strangely around you. When I saw you at the party, I wasn’t expecting you to be there, I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t trying to be rude, I just wanted to gather my thoughts so I walked away. When I saw you outside shivering, I couldn't stand it. I felt uncomfortable that you were cold.
"I've spent most of my high school years avoiding the dating drama. I saw how my friends would lose their focus on the team, and I have goals and dreams. I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn’t keep my attention. You've had my attention without even knowing it since the first time I saw you. I'm really sorry if that freaks you out. I just have to be honest. When I tried talking to you during lunch the other day, you looked like you had no interest in my being there, so I left. I tried my best to avoid seeing you until I could figure out why I feel so strongly.
“I noticed you tonight before you even saw me. I saw your beautiful hair pulled back, but still blowing around your face in the wind. I heard your laugh, and saw your smile. If you didn’t speak to me tonight, I don’t know what I would have done."
Oh. My. God.
I'm speechless. I have no words in response to this flood of information. His thoughts flowed out of his mouth faster than I could actually process what he was trying to tell me. He noticed me! I thought I was the one dumbstruck by him. He's waiting for me to say something. He appears to be getting frustrated that I haven’t responded.
I blurt out, "I noticed you too!" Duh. "I mean that, I had similar feelings when I saw you. I just know that every girl around looks at you like that, so I thought you saw me as just another annoying girl you had to let down. I haven't dated much, OK I've only had two dates, and one was a setup. Neither turned out well. I just don’t know how to respond when a boy shows interest, I guess."
His face turns from confusion to joy in rapid-fire sequence. With great restraint, he gently cups my face with his large hands. He leans in so that he’s only a breath away from me. His eyes are heated and his lids are low as he gazes into my face. It looks as if he’s trying to read a map of a place where he’s never been. Taking it all in, trying to learn it and commit it to memory. He inches closer and kisses me chastely, like he’s trying to apologize for being so forceful before. We sit and hold this soft kiss for ages. I feel as if the earth could swallow us whole, and I wouldn't care. I never want this feeling of intimacy with him to end. It feels more natural than breathing.
Our friends call out for us. They can't see us down the beach, and the fire’s been snuffed out. I pull back from him slowly and notice that his eyes are still closed li
ke he’s in a dream state. Slowly, he opens them, and he looks like the happiest person in the world. I can’t believe I make him feel that way! My insides are churning at the thought. I take a quick look down at my watch. Oh no, it’s eleven-thirty. My mom will be waiting for us.
"I have to go, my mom is picking us up now."
He takes a long deep breath.
“OK, I'll walk you back. Can I get your phone number?"
I tell him my number as we walk back down the beach. Colleen's jaw drops when she notices his arm around my waist pulling me tightly to his side as we approach.
"I'll call you tomorrow," he whispers in my ear, "but I'll dream about you tonight."
By saying that he sucks the wind right out of my lungs.
"OK. I'll be home in the afternoon. Bye."
I’m not quite as eloquent saying goodbye, and it’s nothing short of a miracle I have any strength in my legs to walk. My body feels like it has turned into jelly. Colleen pulls me violently out of my reverie by grabbing my arms.
"What were you doing with Jason? Oh my God! Even Kevin was surprised when he saw the two of you! He said that Jason rarely goes after girls. He doesn't have to. What did he say?"
Hello big splash of cold water in my face. Wow. I shake my head, trying to remember what he said to me. I want to play it back in my head over and over again. I feel like I was semiconscious the whole time he was speaking, because I can only remember bits and pieces.
"He just told me that he had noticed me at school, and that he is going to call me tomorrow."
"You guys were down the beach for a while. That can't be everything!"
I feel my face flush.
"He kissed you? How was it? Kevin kissed me, too!"
She keeps talking all the way home. My mom is riveted to the one-sided conversation Colleen is having. After we drop her off, my mother’s gaze pierces the side of my head.
