He turned as if to walk away, then turned back, holding up a finger, as if something had just occurred to him. ‘You know, Heracleitus,’ he said to me with a smile, ‘soon you’ll be old enough to join me in the Inner Sanctum in the evenings.’
I heard a sharp hiss of breath from Fox, and felt him tense beside me. I thought of the women following Daddy after Family Time most nights. When I first learnt about it, I thought it was just sex. But now I knew Daddy better, and avocated the path to sublimation. I needed to receive his actuality in order to become sublime. I’d never be boundless without it. Was I ready for that? To give myself over to Daddy? The other women spoke of it as something magical. They said they glowed from within, that they flew around the Sanctum and could project their actuality right up into the stars.
‘Yes, Daddy,’ I said.
Daddy reached out and patted me on the cheek. ‘Good girl.’ Then he turned to Fox. ‘Was there something you wanted to say, Furicius?’ he asked, his voice mild.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fox’s hands clench and unclench. ‘No,’ he said at last. ‘Not yet.’
Daddy’s eyes narrowed slightly, but his smile didn’t waver. ‘Very well. Good morning.’
Once he was out of sight, Fox wheeled around on me. ‘You can’t,’ he said. ‘You mustn’t.’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘You can’t let him do it. I couldn’t bear it. Don’t let him force you into it.’
‘The only person who is trying to force anything is you, Fox,’ I said, forgetting to be cool and calm. ‘If I go to the Inner Sanctum with Daddy, it will be because I choose to. You don’t get a say in it. You don’t have a claim over me.’
‘Maybe not,’ said Fox. ‘But you have a claim over me. I need you.’
‘You don’t. It’s your doubt. You’ve let your body take over. You can’t think anymore.’
Fox barked out a hoarse laugh. ‘Thinking is all I can do! I can’t stop thinking. I can’t turn it off. Ever since we … It changed me. And it changed you too.’
Hot blood raced through my veins, and I willed it to slow and grow cool.
‘No, it didn’t,’ I said. ‘It meant nothing.’
‘You can pretend all you like, but I know you remember. What we did. How it felt.’
‘It was wrong.’
‘Why? Because Daddy says so? Why is it wrong when we do it, but he’s allowed to do it to whoever he likes?’
‘That’s different.’ I could hear the doubt in my own voice, and I hated it.
‘It wasn’t wrong. You know it wasn’t. It was …’ Fox’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. ‘I didn’t know I could feel like that.’
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I cursed my body for betraying me once more. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘I did this. I pushed you.’
‘Don’t be stupid. I wanted it. I wanted it from the very beginning. From the first day we met.’
I couldn’t help myself. ‘Why?’
Fox’s eyes softened. ‘Because you saw me. You saw me and I saw you and you made the world bright and strange and I wanted to see more of it.’
My body came to life, independent of my mind. My skin remembered the aching sweetness of Fox, the hot flush of desire. I bit the inside of my cheek and drove my fingernails into my palms, trying to regain control.
‘You woke me up. And now I have so many questions. I want to know who my mother was. I want to know how I came here. I want to know why we hand out water bottles on the street. I want to know what it feels like to stand with my feet in the ocean. I want to know how the world works. And I want you.’
‘What we did was wrong,’ I told him.
‘It wasn’t! This is wrong. All this.’
Fox was my weakness. I didn’t need Daddy to tell me. He was the one thing preventing me from becoming sublime. He was what shackled me to the earth, what pulled my actuality down into the cage that was my body. I knew I had to let him go.
‘Let’s leave,’ said Fox, low and urgent. ‘Tonight. You and me. We’ll walk out the gate and never come back. We’ll go somewhere. Anywhere. To the ocean. Across the ocean. As far away as we can. We’ll find a house with a garden full of flowers and get a dog called Barker.’
I stared at him. ‘Fox,’ I said. ‘No. You’re … you’re not thinking right. You’ve lost your way. But you can get it back. You need to be elutriated. You have to trust Daddy.’
‘No.’ Fox’s voice broke. ‘I’m done with him.’
‘But the plan … the Quintus Septum.’
Fox tossed his head to the side, as if to cast my words away. ‘I can’t, anymore.’
‘What about the Monkeys?’
His expression faltered, and he hesitated. ‘I can’t help them here,’ he said at last. ‘I can’t protect them anymore. Maybe if we leave, we can …’ He cast about, looking for the right words. ‘Ruby, please—’
I flinched. ‘That isn’t my name.’
‘Ruby. Ruby. Ruby.’
He moved closer to me, and I was drowning in him, his scent, his breath, the heat of his skin. He slid his hands up to my shoulders and bent forward to kiss me.
It took all my strength and resolve to pull away.
‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘We can’t. You know we can’t. We have to trust in the plan. We have to trust Daddy.’
I fled. I couldn’t trust myself around him. I had to get my body back under control. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, taking deep breaths and muttering to myself.
‘Boundless body. Boundless mind. Boundless body. Boundless mind.’
I knew what I had to do. It had worked before. I needed to be elutriated. I’d deprive my body of what it was demanding. I’d fast. No food or Fox for a few days. Then I’d be okay again. I’d be in control. Maybe then I could talk some sense into him, before it was too late.
I trained harder. I worked harder. I ran and climbed and crawled. I ignored the gnawing hunger in my belly and the dizziness that overcame me each time I stood up after Daddy’s Hour. When stomach cramps woke me in the middle of the night, I rolled out of bed and did push-ups or star-jumps until I was close to passing out.
I stopped visiting the mess for meals. I skipped Family Time, preferring to train by myself. I made sure to arrive slightly late to Welling’s sublimation drills, so there would be no opportunity for Fox and me to talk.
I didn’t let myself think about Fox. I didn’t let myself think.
Even though the weather was still warm, I was cold all the time, no matter how hard I trained. The autumn wind whipped me right to the bone as I hurried to the warehouse where Welling drilled me, Pippa and Fox. It had been two weeks since my encounter with Fox, and I felt like I had finally purged myself of him. I’d gone the whole previous day without noticing him, without feeling his eyes on me. The morning sublimation drill would be my test, to see if I was truly elutriated.
Pippa and Welling were in their usual seats, waiting for me. But Stan sat in Fox’s place. Fox was nowhere to be seen. Daddy stood at the head of the table, his glasses glinting.
‘Where’s Fox?’ I asked. I saw Daddy’s eyes narrow, and I knew he was disappointed I’d asked.
‘You won’t see him again,’ Daddy told me. ‘He’s gone.’
For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. I sank into my chair, hoping that no one would notice. Fox was gone? He had left? Without me?
Maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe it was one of Daddy’s tests. Surely he wouldn’t abandon the Monkeys?
But I knew it was true. Fox had been slipping away from us ever since that night we’d shared together. I had tried to hold on to him, draw him back in. But I had failed.
A part of me wondered if I should have gone with him. Maybe he needed some time out in the real world. Some time to realise how lucky he was, to have all this. To have Daddy. Maybe I could have persuaded him to return.
‘He was poisoning our family,’ Daddy continued. ‘I discovered his deceit and confron
ted him, and now he has slunk back to his masters like the dog he is.’
‘Yes, Daddy.’
Could it be possible that Fox had crossed over, become an agent for the Quintus Septum? Was that why he’d been asking so many questions?
It made an awful kind of sense. How long had it been going on? He must have been recruited when he was at the Red House – it would have been his only opportunity for outside contact. And it explained his behaviour, why the sublimation technic wasn’t working for him. Daddy said that none of it would work if the person wasn’t fully committed, body and mind. That was how the Quintus Septum had managed to infiltrate us. That was why they’d targeted the Monkey House, because it was the area Fox had access to.
Everything we’d shared had been a lie. Fox had never loved me. Not the way I thought he had. But, despite my shock and grief, I was eager to believe Daddy, because it let me off the hook. If Fox was a secret agent, it meant that his slide into rebelliousness wasn’t my fault. He was already aphotic before then. And Daddy knew. That’s why he’d isolated me. To elutriate me from Fox’s poison, and prevent me from infecting anyone else. He’d tried to save Fox too. Of course he had. Daddy loved Fox as much as I did. I could see the pain in his eyes, even now. I took a deep, shaking breath, and pushed thoughts of Fox from my mind. There were more important things.
‘The Quintus Septum have taken over the government,’ Daddy said gravely. ‘It is only a matter of time before they come for us.’
Images flashed through my mind. The front door of my old house being beaten down and masked soldiers storming in, hauling Mum up from the couch and taking her away. Minah and my friends being handcuffed in front of the milk crates at the Wasteland, and bundled into an unmarked van. Dad, locked away deep in solitary confinement, with no one to hear his cries.
‘Sublimation is our only goal, and we cannot let the Quintus Septum stand in the way of that.’ Daddy paused, looking around at us. ‘I had hoped you would have more time for training, but we cannot wait any longer. Welling, the mission status is now active. It’s time to take the technic into the field. Libavius is waiting in the A Block storeroom with your supplies. Stanihurst, ready the bus for an immediate departure.’
We stood, ready to file out of the warehouse. Stan bounced nervously on his heels. My thoughts of Fox were crowded out with new questions – what supplies would we need? Where were we going in the bus? But I knew better than to ask them. Daddy had chosen me for a mission, and I would do everything I could to make him proud.
‘You must be alert,’ Daddy warned us. ‘They will try to trick you. It will look as if everything is normal. The Quintus Septum are like oily snakes – they will slither around you whispering comforting lies. They will move unseen, behind curtains and under floorboards. They will hypnotise you with sugar and flashing lights and the gleam of coin. But you must resist, children. You must stay strong.’
I squared my shoulders and raised my chin. I would stay strong. I’d do it for Daddy.
As I crossed the courtyard to A Block, I glanced up at the warehouse next door. What lies were those toxicants being fed? What twisted truths? Did they really think they were safe? Did they think their leaders protected them? Did they have any idea of what was to come?
I shook my head. They were all fools.
‘Here,’ said Lib, handing us each a pile of neatly folded clothing.
I blinked as I accepted my bundle. It wasn’t the usual muted linens. I’d been given a black dress – the kind of neat, conservative-yet-revealing outfit that female lawyers on TV wore. Lib also passed me a pair of black high heels, and a black handbag containing make-up and jewellery – a simple silver necklace, a bracelet and a diamond ring. There was also a driver’s licence belonging to someone called Christina Delaney. She was twenty-five, and had dark eyes and curly hair like me. I wondered if she was a real person, or just a figment of Daddy’s imagination.
I stared at them, uncomprehending.
‘Get changed,’ said Lib.
The dress was strange against my skin, tight and itchy, even though it was a size too large. The high heels felt ridiculous, and I marvelled again at how completely the human race had been duped. They didn’t need to have tyrannical overlords controlling them – toxicants were happy to torture themselves, strapping themselves into painful shoes and clothes, pumping their bodies full of aphotic poisons.
I didn’t have a brush, but I pulled my fingers through my hair, and didn’t feel anything as handfuls of it came out. I watched the strands drift to the floor, and wondered what kind of supplement I should be taking to counteract hair loss. Not that it mattered. Hair was just a part of the body. When I became sublime, I could grow as much hair as I wanted, in any colour.
There were no mirrors in the Institute, but I did my best with the make-up anyway – a little foundation and eyeliner, a brush of mascara, a smear of lipstick. The powdery smell of it was overwhelming, and I felt it seeping into my skin, toxic and suffocating. It would take weeks of work to elutriate myself of it, but I did it uncomplainingly. It was for Daddy.
I slid the diamond ring onto my finger. It was beautiful. Hard, indestructible and full of light. With each passing day I was becoming more like that diamond. Soon I would glitter and shine like that. Soon I would be indestructible.
I went outside and joined the others. Welling wore a suit, his tie casually loosened. It was as though he had stepped out of the pages of a magazine, his skin dark brown against the pale pink of his shirt, the pinstripes on his jacket falling from his shoulders in crisp lines. Pippa was in jeans and a sparkly top. In tight clothes, she looked plumper than I’d expected, and I wondered if she’d been sneaking extra food. Stan was dressed in a lurid Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and socks with sandals.
Pippa took my hand and admired the ring.
‘Do you think it’s real?’ she asked, turning my hand from side to side so the diamond caught the light.
I shrugged. ‘Does it matter? It’s just a rock.’
Pippa smiled, too brightly. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘You’re right.’
I remembered the story she’d told, about her boyfriend proposing to her. Did she ever wonder what would have happened if she’d taken that ring? Pippa turned and clambered into the van, and I made a mental note to keep an eye on her. She was weak.
We were blindfolded once more, and Stan drove us out of the Institute and into the world. After an hour or so of bumping and swaying, he told us we could remove our blindfolds.
We were in the city.
Everything was different. New shops and billboards. Buildings had been torn down and replaced with steel scaffolding and construction. I couldn’t believe how much had changed – how long had I been away?
I kept an eye out for Fox. I couldn’t help myself. I wondered where he was, what he was doing. Was he in some kind of Quintus Septum facility? Was he scared? Did he miss us? Miss me?
I saw floods of toxicants, clutching greasy bags of processed food, each one isolated from the world with earbuds and headphones. I watched them fill their mouths with poisons and turn their eyes away from each other. How could people be so stupid? They were killing themselves, each one in a prison of solitude that they’d built for themselves.
Stan shook his head. ‘Poor suckers,’ he murmured pityingly, and I knew we were all thinking the same thing.
He drove us to the edge of the city and into a public garage. Welling retrieved a dark briefcase from under the passenger seat of the van. Then we continued on foot, winding our way through laneways and arcades.
‘You can’t be too careful,’ said Stan, glancing around. ‘Stay alert. Make sure we’re not being followed.’
I could smell doughnuts and cigarettes and car exhaust and perfume. It was overwhelming. Toxicants jostled us and I stared open-mouthed at them. Couldn’t they see how lost they were? Couldn’t they tell how much better we were? Were our disguises really so good? Why weren’t these people humbled before us? Filled with awe?
Stan led us over a footbridge across the river, where boats belched oil into brown sludge and toxicants held hands and pretended to be in love. We followed the riverbank for a while, past restaurants and street performers, until we came to a large building – solid and windowless as a fortress, spreading down the side of the river like a giant hulking beast.
‘Um … where are we going?’ asked Pippa. ‘What does this have to do with balancing the elements to make aether?’
‘You’ll see,’ said Welling.
He brushed some invisible dirt from his lapels and led us into an enormous marble lobby, gleaming shining surfaces and glinting with chrome and brass. We waited by a floral arrangement that was twice my height as Welling went up to a curved sweep of marble counter, where a line of neatly presented people waited, wearing identical elegant uniforms.
When Welling returned, he carried a small plastic card. He led us over to a lift and we got in. The vertical movement made my stomach lurch, and I was relieved when it finally opened onto a long corridor lined with doors.
A hotel. We were in a hotel.
Welling led us to our room – actually a suite of rooms, with a living room and two bedrooms, one for me and Pippa and one for him and Stan.
We gathered in the living room and sat on the floor, ignoring the comfortable-looking couch and armchairs.
‘We’re not … here to steal something, are we?’ asked Pippa, looking around nervously.
‘Of course not,’ I told her, my voice haughty with superiority. ‘Daddy wouldn’t make us steal. Theft is aphotic.’
Welling nodded. ‘Hera is right,’ he said. ‘What we’re doing is perfectly legal. It’s more than legal. It’s right.’
‘So … what are we going to do?’
‘This is a house of lead,’ said Welling. ‘The toxicants who come here fill their bodies and minds with heaviness. The more they spend, the worse they feel. The more money this place makes, the more toxicants come here. It feeds on their greed. We are lifting that burden. We are elutriating the toxicants.’
The Boundless Sublime Page 19
