by Simone Elise
I had purposely made sure the clubhouse was empty in case we found her. And I had kicked out every member for the night and it would stay empty till she felt comfortable about being around people again.
I knew Abby. So what did she need right now? I remembered the time her dad had his heart attack. I didn’t know what to do and I ended up calling Drake. But we had come so far from then. I knew her. And right now, I knew Abby would just need to know I was here.
I sat behind her, trapping her between my legs. She didn’t move. She didn’t even seem to notice I had joined her.
I tucked her hair behind her ear. It had been blocking my side view of her. I couldn’t stop myself from kissing the side of her face. She was really here. I had got her back. It was like my kiss broke whatever spell was over her. She suddenly starting blinking quickly, frowning, and turned her face to look at me. Like she hadn’t realized I was here till now.
Her expression changed to one of amazement. And she was looking at me like I wasn’t real. Kim said something about Abby thinking she was dreaming. Maybe that explained the look she was giving me.
She turned her body and moved between my legs but she didn’t pull her finger from Tyson. But her other hand went to my face, like she was testing to see if I was real.
I closed my eyes briefly, loving the feeling of her touch. To think this time two days ago, I was positive my heart was dead along with hers. I had given up on her. It was as if she knew it too, because she knew exactly when to reach out for me. If she hadn’t called and I hadn’t got her tonight… she’d be gone.
And that thought made my body go into a quick panic and made me wrap an arm around her. I had her. She was here.
I took a calming breath in. She was right here. I had her. But a part of me was telling me she wasn’t here with me. The look in her eyes; that was all I needed to see. She wasn’t with me.
Her hand ran down my neck, stopping on my shoulder. Then she did something I wasn’t expecting. She fell into my arms, putting her head onto my chest.
“I don’t want to wake up,” she whispered into my chest.
I wrapped both my arms around her, holding onto her. “You aren’t sleeping, sweetheart.” God, she was smaller than I remembered.
Maybe after she did sleep and woke up here, she would realize it. Till then I just had to accept she wasn’t with me right now. It didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment, though. I had her back.
***
I woke up on the floor. When the hell did I go to sleep? I remembered lying down when Abby did. Tyson had still had her by the finger. I remembered trying to convince her to go to bed. But she wouldn’t budge from the crib. She wouldn’t sleep either. I had settled for her lying on my arm. But she wasn’t there now.
Tyson was still asleep. It had to be early and I had searched the whole clubhouse looking for her. She wasn’t in my room. She wasn’t in her room. I had tried Kim. She wasn’t there. And she wasn’t with her dad, or in any other room in this fucking building.
WHERE THE FUCK WAS SHE?
The last thing I remember was that look in her eye, like she was with me but wasn’t. Fuck, it was like she was drugged or something and I had left her unsupervised! While she was on this other planet!
Where would she go? I had to think.
Why the fuck did I leave her unsupervised?
I got her back only to lose her again. Where would she go?
I pushed open the clubhouse door, heading for my bike. I was so focused on going searching for her that I only just caught a bit of movement out of the corner of my eye.
She was lying on one of the picnic tables.
She was still here.
I stormed over to her. What was she thinking just disappearing like that? She should have woken me! She couldn’t just disappear!
She must have heard me coming because she turned her head.
“I’m not used to it,” she said.
“What?” I snapped. I was pissed off because I thought I had lost her again. I was furious at myself for having spent half an hour looking for her and she was out-fucking-side. Why didn’t I look out here? Then again, why the hell would she be out here? It was fucking freezing and she was barely wearing anything. She hadn’t answered me. Maybe because I had snapped at her. I forced myself to take a deep breath and asked her again, this time nicer. “What aren’t you used to?” That came out better, less aggressive.
She sat up. Seeing all her skin, that dress barely covering her, I pulled my vest off and put it next to her. Then I took off my sweatshirt. “Arms up,” I said to her. She did as I asked, and I put the sweatshirt on over her head. She pulled her hair out of the sweatshirt.
I stepped closer to her, my hands running down her. “What aren’t you used to?” I had no idea what Jake had made her do. I had no idea what she was talking about. What wasn’t she used to? Being home? Did that mean she finally had come to the conclusion she was here and not dreaming it?
“Fresh air.”
And hearing that hit me in the chest. Hearing it was like taking a punch you weren’t expecting that winded you. I just stared at her. Not knowing what to say. She had been locked up for months because of me. She nearly died. She was nearly flown to a new country. All because of me.
How the hell was I going to make it up to her?
I swallowed sharply. I guess starting with the basics. “I’m so sorry, Abby.” My hands cupped her face. “You have no idea how incredibly sorry I am.” That didn’t even cover it. Didn’t come close to how I felt about this situation. It was all because of me.
Roach had been right when he said she would pay for my mistakes. Because she just did two hard months of paying for them and if I hadn’t found her, she would have been paying for them for the rest of her life.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t lock me up, Kade.” Her hands covered mine. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you are regretting every decision you ever made that led me to you.” She could always read me too easily. When my expression didn’t change, she sighed. “Well, at least we got Tyson. Even if we don’t make it.”
We would always have Tyson. Wait a sec. I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do you mean ‘if we don’t make it?’”
“I’m being realistic.”
“Only a couple of hours ago you weren’t even on this fucking planet. You thought I was a dream! And now you are being realistic? What the fuck do you mean by that?” I didn’t mean to grip her tighter but I did and she was quick to pull my hands off her.
“You’re looking at me with such regret, Reaper. You are looking at me like I’m your weakness. How can you expect to stay in a relationship with me when you see me as your one weakness? You’re looking at me now with this pained, regretful look and it’s hurting me!” She was getting upset and it was the last thing I wanted. I had wanted her back. I didn’t want her upset.
She started to get up but I gripped her by the hips and forced her back down in front of me.
“You’re wrong. I have two weaknesses. You and Tyson.”
She rolled her eyes. “Then cut us off if you don’t want us! God, it’s not like it is uncommon for a biker to do that! Because I won’t let you look at me as a weakness when I look at you as a strength!”
“Abby, calm down!” She started to stand up again, and again I forced her back down. Like normal, when things got hard, she wanted to run. Some things never changed. “Abby, listen to me.”
“No.”
“Abby.” I attempted to be calm with her. She hadn’t slept. She looked like she had stopped eating altogether. And she had been tortured for two months. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be making any decisions. And if she really thought I was going to cut her and Tyson off, she really was on another fucking planet.
She shoved me hard in the chest but it didn’t budge me. “Reaper, let me go.”
“Do you really thi
nk I would let you leave me? After everything we have been through? Do you think now, I will suddenly realize how much I put your life and my son’s life in jeopardy and push you away?”
“Yes.”
This time much more gently, I cupped her face. “I’m way too much of a greedy man for that, Abby. I know sense and history tell me to let you and Tyson go. But it’s not going to happen.” I was never letting her out of my sight again. “I’m never letting you go. You hear that part? Not even if it is the right thing to do.”
“What if it is what I want?” She looked at me challengingly, arching her eyebrows, looking at me like it was possible.
I smiled, and she frowned at that. “I know what you want better than I know what I want.” I took a step closer to her, hearing her take a sharp breath in. “You still want me as badly as you did when you were sixteen.”
She didn’t agree or disagree. She remained quiet. It was her breathing giving her away.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” I dipped my head, looking her in the eye. She always struggled to lie to me when she was looking me in the eye.
She bit her bottom lip and started nervously shaking her leg. It was when I placed my hand over her knee that she stopped.
She was looking me in the eye when she nodded her head. “Yes,” the word slipped from her mouth.
One word. I hadn’t realized I was so tense till I heard it. I dropped my head to hers. “Thank fuck for that.” I was never good at gambling and I had been praying she still had that unconditional love for me, even after everything I put her through.
It wasn’t me reaching out for her this time. She was reaching out for me, her hands going to my face.
“But…”
I wanted to curse. Maybe I had counted my win too soon?
I nodded for her to keep going.
“But you are going to have to come to terms with what happened and forgive yourself as well as me.” Her words were soft, barely a whisper. I almost missed the part when she said ‘as well as me.’
“What would I have to forgive you for, Abby? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
A dim smile graced her lips and it was the type of smile you would see just before someone bursts out crying. It was the type of smile she gave when she was struggling with something.
“I did.” She inhaled sharply. “I did something wrong.”
“What?”
She looked me dead in the eye. “Some things you are better off not knowing.”
“Nah, don’t play that card. We don’t do secrets.” I was always honest with her when I could be. She had always been the same when she wasn’t off killing people and keeping me in the dark. “Last time you kept a secret it nearly pulled us apart.”
She traced my jaw and that dim smile was back on her face. “This one will only tear me apart. And I’d really like it if we never mention this again.”
“It’s something he did, isn’t it?” I didn’t know what he had done to her. He clearly as fuck didn’t feed her. I knew she didn’t want me to press her for details but knowing she was keeping something from me, well, that gave me an itch I couldn’t scratch.
“Kade, stop.” Her hand froze on my cheek. “Like I said, I don’t want to mention it again.”
“Was it the beating? ’Cause I know about that. Fuck, I made him pay for that. Is it the Russian roulette? ’Cause he paid for that too. Was it not feeding you? ’Cause I can clearly fucking see that. And not any of those things are your fault.”
“Stop.” She looked like she was in physical pain. “Please stop.” She pinched her eyes shut. “I don’t want to talk about it. Any of it. Ever.”
“We have to talk about it.”
“Why?” Her eyes sprung open, and they were on fire. “Because you want to know every single detail of what happened to me?”
“Yes.” Wasn’t that obvious?
“Not happening.” Her eyes sliced through mine. “Ever. There is only one other person that knows the details and I’m assuming he’s dead. So that leaves me. And I’m keeping my mouth shut.”
Frustrating. So incredibly frustrating. Wouldn’t she want to get it off her chest? Have someone to talk to about it? Instead, she was going to bottle it up and that wasn’t healthy. I was going to point that out to her when she shivered.
And only then did I notice the mist of rain in between us.
“Come on. It’s raining.” I went to take her hand.
She suddenly looked uneasy. “Um, it’s OK. I’ll stay out here.”
“Abby, did you hear me say the bit where it’s raining?” I wasn’t leaving her out here. More importantly, why did she want to be outside in the rain? I looked at her, trying to guess what she was thinking and I had it within a second. I knew the reason she wasn’t getting up. “You can’t avoid inside altogether, Abby. I’m not locking you in. You can come back out as soon as it stops raining.”
Her eyes widened. I had hit the nail on the head. She was avoiding inside.
I pushed the sleeve of my sweatshirt up, taking her hand. “Come on, come inside with me?”
Her eyes darted from me to the clubhouse door. She still wasn’t moving.
“Tyson will be awake soon. I’m sure he wants to see you.” I kissed the back of her hand.
“Not you too,” she groaned.
“What?”
“This delusion that Tyson knows who I am. Dad and Kim said the same thing. He has no idea who I am. I am a complete stranger and, frankly, his morning would be better if I didn’t interrupt it.” She was so harsh and cruel. She actually believed Tyson couldn’t possibly know who his mother was.
I wanted to yell at her. Heck, it was the first thing I wanted to do after hearing that. Tyson didn’t just go to anyone. He sure as fuck wouldn’t hold onto someone’s finger all night if he didn’t know them.
“Start taking it back, Abby.” I gave her a chance. She didn’t know how wrong she was. It was her sweatshirt he slept with every night. It was her he kept looking for. Now she was sitting here like that didn’t matter.
“No. I’m not playing the game that you and Dad and Kim want to play. He doesn’t know me.”
I gritted my teeth. How had I forgotten how stubborn she was? I let go of her hand.
“If you are so sure of that, then you should be fucking moving quicker.”
“What?”
“He is your son. And if you think he doesn’t know you, you should be the one making the first move. You should be fixing that. Not just washing your hands of him!”
I was expecting her to spray me for accusing her of washing her hands of him. But she remained quiet and dropped her eyes from mine. Whenever she wouldn’t look me in the eye, I could guarantee I wouldn’t like what she was thinking.
I stepped back, putting my hand out for her to take. “You coming or not?”
Seconds passed. Soon, minutes passed and I was still waiting. What was I going to have to say for her to realize Tyson needed his mother? I sighed. I needed to come up with something and fast, before that multifunctioning brain of hers did some serious damage.
It was when I felt her hand slip into mine that my mind stopped racing. I opened my eyes and watched her get up.
It was instinct to help her down.
God, she was thin.
Breakfast, that was the first thing we were doing.
“You’ve gotten bigger,” she said, not fighting me when I pulled her to my side.
“And you’re fucking smaller.”
“Always yin and yang, aren’t we?” She smiled, not caring that she basically weighed nothing at all. I noticed it wasn’t one of her real smiles. She was faking it, forcing it. Fair enough. She had had a rough twelve hours. Hell, she had had a rough few months. Did it really matter if she couldn’t smile naturally at me yet?
Yeah, it did.
I still had that picture of her standing at the car out in front of the hospital, that real full-blown smile of h
ers. Somehow I had to get her back to that.
I held the clubhouse door open for her. She didn’t rush in.
“Do you want me to leave the door open?” I asked her when she didn’t move.
“No. It’s freezing out here.” She took a deep breath and walked through the door. I knew that was hard for her to do. I felt pride immediately. She was always braver than I gave her credit for. She looked over at her shoulder, frowning at me. “What are you waiting for?”
Right. I was holding things up.
I closed the door and was quick to wrap my arms around her. I would never get enough of touching her.
“So what’s your morning routine?” she asked, not pushing me away. Thank fuck for that.
Did I tell her the truth? Because the truth was I was usually gone most of the day looking for her. Kim looked after Tyson. I took over at night.
“Seeing as you are home, we need a new one.”
“I’m sure the one you have is fine.”
“Trust me, your boys have been struggling without you.” I kissed the back of her head.
She turned in my arms, her arms going around my neck. “My boys, hey?” She smirked up at me.
I nodded my head. My eyes flashed to her lips. As much as I wanted to kiss her, I didn’t want to rush it. She was letting me touch her which had to be big. Because she wouldn’t be used to it. Hell, I wasn’t used to it. But when it came to Abby, I found old habits came back quick.
Like right now, as she bit her bottom lip, it was killing me to not pull it from her teeth. Fuck it. I’d just do it. My thumb gently pulled her lip from her grasp. She realized what she was doing and didn’t go back to doing it.
I didn’t pull my thumb away. I had forgotten how soft she was. If I had forgotten that, was it possible I had forgotten what she tasted like? My memory hadn’t done her justice at all. So I was guessing my memories of kissing her weren’t living up to the real thing. She was more beautiful in person. The pictures and videos of her hadn’t done her justice.
